Funny Hospital Stay's

[BENT_8]

Ok as the title say's, tell us some funny things you've experienced whilst in or visiting someone in hospital.
Now before you go off half cocked about the Public Health system let it be known that i dont want this thread to go down that route, so only good stories.

I'll Start...

So i was admitted on Monday night with a cute bowel...no not a CUTE bowel, an Acute Bowel, or Divaticulitis for those playing at home.
As most of you would attest from my posts over the years I'm full of Sh.. anyway so this result is hardly surprising.

Is it obvious yet that im off my head on Fentonyl???
Can you spell check that please Gecko.

Had a great time so far, apart from the strict fluids only diet through a clear tube oh and the stabbing pain in my left lower quadrant.

So whats happened..
Well, to start with im in a ward with 10 different people, and i emphisise the word different, coz they certainly are a buch of individuals with every known ache and pain known to man.

Its an overflow ward used when the main wards are full so there are no windows, no TV, and a severe lack of sense of humour. Its borderline sensory deprivation i give ya the tip.
People have come and gone, some because of having no TV, some may have died im not sure i didnt take much notice.

So what does a bloke do when he's in a ward full of strangers with no sense of humour and no TV...he starts a fashion parade for those wearing compression stockings, surprising what people will do when subjected to this kind of torture.

Walking down the hall this afternoon in my denim shorts and stockings drew the attention and giggles from a particular nurse, but she soon broke in to full on belly wobbles when i told her i was infact a test pilot for a new fashion craze about to hit the scene.
Truth is i've always been curious of cross dressing and figured this is my chance.

It looked like a scene out of a 50's movie on Tuesday night when we all sat round this blokes wireless listening to the 20twenty big bash SA V's NSW.

Then it dawned on me tonight...im the only one in here smart enough to pack a notebook and wireless dongle.
At first i considered an Ebay auction to allow them access to it, but figured i'd have to let them use it to bid which sort of defeated the purpose, so i simply stood in the middle of the ward and asked... who wants access to the outside world bad enugh to pay me the most?
I didnt even mention the 'F' word...no Facebook not the other 'F' word
That, didnt go down so well with the long termers so i crawled back into my bed and here we are now.

Sorry for the long post, but your all i've got to talk to this time of night.

So how have you amused yourselves whilst in Hospital.

[Iggypoppin']

Well I have two stories. First is my dual broken arm incident. Long story short I fractured both arms falling from a tree at 13. They set one cast past my elbow and the up to my elbow so I could wipe my.....you know.
Later on we discovered the bones where growing incorrectly. This was easily fixed; break both arms in an operation and recast them to grow straight. When I woke up guess what the "highly intelligent" doctors had done? Cast both arms up to my shoulders. I woke up packing heat, if you get me. Called for a nurse and asked her could she please accompany me to the toilet to perform the unsavory task of wiping my you know what.
This occured several times.
In front of other patients.
One of which was a good looking 16 year old with a chest infection.
Gee don't I look stupid? Haha.
Anyway, second time was my fractured jaw. I was lying in bed after the operation to set the jaw and a whole heap of school mates came up to
see me. They only knew I was in hospital, not that I had a fractured jaw. Guess what they got me? A ton of chocolate, lollies, food and other sundry eatables. Yeah, I was not pleased as they sat around eating my presents. The nurse attempted to liquify some lollies with lemonade but....that was a disaster.
Great story though bent 8, I love that you are positive throughout what is no doubt a painful experience! My thoughts go out to you mate.

[BENT_8]

Originally Posted by Iggypoppin'

One of which was a good looking 16 year old with a chest infection.

I just PMSL in a room full of sleeping sick people...

I gotta go read some car ****, im cracking up still...

[Road_Warrior]

In Fremantle hospital 12 odd years ago with a fractured pelvis courtesy of a Honda XR600 and a rather large rock, I was just chillin' in my bed (because I was kind of immobile at that point and needed assistance to get out of bed), guy opposite me was watching the telly and the rest of my 6 bed ward was either asleep or out somewhere else, and these mullet/boganheads came in to bash the guy in the bed opposite me.

Now, the guy in the bed opposite me was of Croatian heritage and was probably about 6'6" and built like a brick shithouse. These muppets were weedy potheads and wearing flannel; average age probably 19-20 (he looked in his early 30's), as soon as they came sauntering into the room, he jumped out of his bed, ripped his singlet off with one hand and grabbed a crutch that was strategically located near his bed and exchanged a few choice words with the leader of the said muppet pack (who I think was staying in the hospital as well at the time, because he'd been in looking earlier in the day but the other bloke was outside having bongs with his mates) and they beat a hasty retreat. Needless to say I was spinning out just a tad; I didnt know whether to 1) press the duress button 2) grab a crutch and start swinging or 3) watch and laugh.

He settled back into his bed and we had a bit of a laugh about it, the other bloke in our ward stirred from his slumber and wondered what all the fuss was and the mung beans who started it all never came back.

[Iggypoppin']

hahahahaha i just realized what i wrote, she was genuinely suffering from a lung problem but i think i see where you are coming from hahahahaha well spotted sir!

[Spudz27]

I was 16 and a yearly routine stay at the childrens hospital was on the cards. Anyway they have a teen ward and for whatever reason seemed to put all the hot young nurses on said ward.

First story. I was asked to strip and given some very loose pyjama pants to wear to surgery. Being mobile the nurse decided we could walk, the lift was busy and we only had two flights of stairs to go down, so off we go. I was walking behind and as a 16yr old male, I was thinking some very interesting things to do with the nurse, needless to say something in my pants grew and next thing I know my pants are around my ankles, no jocks on because of surgery. I muttered **** and the nurse turned to see me struggling to pull up my pants at full attention. She just said "it's o.k I see it all the time"

Second story and in the same week.

One of the male nurse was chatting to me, this guy was awesome, he brought in his personal PS2 from home for me to play. Anyhow we were talking about the nurses, who was hot, who was mean etc. This one young female nurse comes in and starts having a chat also, really hot nurse, really nice personality. Anyway after she left he starts going "she's hot isn't she etc" I replied "she is sexy as man" (typical 16yr old reply). He says "you really think she is hot hey" again I replied yes with the added "man I would love her to sponge bath me" his next reply was "sorry mate isn't going to happen, she's my wife" he wasn't mad, he had deliberatly baited me. We had a laugh about it and I went red and became very appologetic.

Last year after my surgery. Surgeon comes in and guy next to me starts to say, "doc thanks so much, your a bloody legend" the doctor replies "yeah I know I'm good"

Same surgeon gave me a follow up appointment. His bed thing was covered in packs of dorito's. He said "sorry let me move those". I said "don't worry I'll just take them home". He replies "I think you have already eaten your share"

I have many stories, but they would be my top ones.

I wish as an adult nurses were so relaxed and fun, sadly most of them are scared of being in trouble, with kids the mucking around is seen differently. Although I must admit, some of my nurses last year were great, some I just wanted to slap.

[geckoGT]

It is Fentanyl Bent_8, good stuff, enjoy!

[Yellow_Festiva]

Siting on the beach in Zanzibar stealing wifi from the Hilton. Got treated by "Dr. Death" at Wyong hospital last yr. Aparently pronounced "Deeth"

[brydie76]

Had my jaw "corrected" in August last year, first thing I asked after waking up was "is this real?". Got a good laugh from the nurses and my parents for some reason!

For the next day I was dosed up on pethadine- man that stuff is good. The new running joke in my family centres around me talking about how funny I am drunk- something I barely remember saying because I was so out of it!!!

Wasn't as nice when they took me off the pethadine and onto a mix of panadine forte and oxycodone. Turns out I am part of a group of people who reacts very badly to oxycodone. Teeth chattering, muscle spasms and frequently being ill (not to mention hallucinations and temperature fluctuations) are not fun when both your upper and lower jaw were broken just over 48 hours before....

[MNM96]

Originally Posted by brydie76

Wasn't as nice when they took me off the pethadine and onto a mix of panadine forte and oxycodone. Turns out I am part of a group of people who reacts very badly to oxycodone. Teeth chattering, muscle spasms and frequently being ill (not to mention hallucinations and temperature fluctuations) are not fun when both your upper and lower jaw were broken just over 48 hours before....

Hippy heroine! lol That will kill you!

[GasoLane]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

So how have you amused yourselves whilst in Hospital.

Give me 6 weeks and I'll let you know..... if they let me have a 'puter in the ward

[pottery beige]

a broken willy.. it hurt heaps.. mates sister was involved..

rocked up at emergency dept..

dude.. whats wrong...

me.. broken willy..

dude.. looks at me..

me.. mate its friggin snapped bro....

dude.. oooookkkkkay...

full on admitted.. full on op.. dragged some doctor dude off the golf course.. lost a fan belt but i reckon i gained a bit elsewhere...........

mum rocks in for a visit.. does that mummy crossed up lips thing and calls me a dirty little bastard....

bloody mummmmmms.....

[SmokinXR50]

Originally Posted by GasOLane

Give me 6 weeks and I'll let you know..... if they let me have a 'puter in the ward

Hi GasOLane,
I have spent an enormous amount of time as an inpatient (both public and private hospitals) due to a severe chronic illness. The one thing I have found re: computers is that hospitals are usually accommodating as long as you accept the risk if it goes missing etc.. Make sure you take the necessary precautions, especially if you are not in a private room. If you have a security cable loop it around your movable bed table and secure it to your laptop.

The issue in the past was establishing an internet connection. Now with 3G Wireless it tends to work well in most locations although during my recent stay I noticed my hospital has now installed WI-FI for patients to use (for a small fee).
So I would say you should be fine. Hell, 3years ago I was stuck in hospital for 3 months, I would have gone around the bend if it wasn't for my laptop (and of course copious amounts of Pethidine then Morphine, although the one that blows my mind was a recent 8 hour Ketamine infusion (yes its street name is Special K), that left me legless the whole time. Couldn't stop laughing at my doctor when he came to visit me, although being taken care of by a cute nurse on the day makes it that much nicer

As for funny stories (or at least unusual ones, I have plenty, especially the the crazy sh^%$t that goes down in Emergency. I will save those for a later post.

Cheers,

Chris

[Iggypoppin']

Mitch you taking the Mickey or did you really snap the old fella doing the dirty on ya mates blister?

[pottery beige]

Originally Posted by Iggypoppin'

Mitch you taking the Mickey or did you really snap the old fella doing the dirty on ya mates blister?

yep.. snapped it.. mates sister..

[pottery beige]

same mate that sold me the Potty Beige.. XA GT.. sister.. broken willy.. top bloke...

[Scott]

I had a visit when I was 21. Arrived strapped to a board and was verbally prepped to expect quite a room full when I arrived. I had done enough damage to warrant a crowd....

Soooo, I arrive to a room full of Dr's, only to have the room fill to the brim with a heap of student Dr's.

Still strapped to the board, room full of Dr's and maybe 8-10 student Dr's ( 50/50 blokes and chicks my tender age) and they cut every thread of fabric from my pretty little frame.

Then Dr Sausage Fingers whacks his middle digit straight up my backside. I screamed, called him some ugly names and then lay there for nearly an hour chatting with the mob. Still nude.

This was ~11am. They finally let me stand to pee at 1am as I had refused a catheter.... but that's another, mildly hilarious story.

[pottery beige]

Originally Posted by Scott

I had a visit when I was 21. Arrived strapped to a board and was verbally prepped to expect quite a room full when I arrived. I had done enough damage to warrant a crowd....

Soooo, I arrive to a room full of Dr's, only to have the room fill to the brim with a heap of student Dr's.

Still strapped to the board, room full of Dr's and maybe 8-10 student Dr's ( 50/50 blokes and chicks my tender age) and they cut every thread of fabric from my pretty little frame.

Then Dr Sausage Fingers whacks his middle digit straight up my backside. I screamed, called him some ugly names and then lay there for nearly an hour chatting with the mob. Still nude.

This was ~11am. They finally let me stand to pee at 1am as I had refused a catheter.... but that's another, mildly hilarious story.

man.. some freaky stuff goes on in em hospitals.....

[Scott]

Originally Posted by pottery beige

man.. some freaky stuff goes on in em hospitals.....

It was only weird because he was nibbling my ear and stroking my hair at the time... to his credit, I still get a hand made (newspaper cuttings) Valentines Card every year though

[2011G6E]

Originally Posted by Scott

It was only weird because he was nibbling my ear and stroking my hair at the time... to his credit, I still get a hand made (newspaper cuttings) Valentines Card every year though

You only have to worry if you see both his hands on your shoulders...

[munkky]

haha some good storys boys well about 2 years ago when i was attacked (stabbed)(attempted car jacking) i got sent to the royal melbourne truama word for treatment. every time they pushed me around on my bed, the bed hit the wall wich i thought was funny. also me and a mate got told off for playing with the bed. lol bed goes up bed goes down lol

[BENT_8]

Great work guys, i knew you'd come through with some funny stuff.

Pottery, great work mate...i had images of John Wayne Bobbit, well not really coz that would be all weird and ****, but yeah, you know what i mean.

I always remind my missus of the time she was deep in labour with our second child...well, no, maybe i wont, its proberbly not quite appropriate for a public forum...

[SIMBAD]

>>>>>>

[SIMBAD]

I was playing rugby league about 4
5 years ago at my local ground, Tumut vs albury under 18s. ten minutes into the second half I thought right, I'll rattle this blokes cage.
Sprinted up off the line and wacked him.. But most of the contact was full on front body but just as I hit him he ducked his head down slightly enough for me to break the right side of my jaw on the top of his head. The brakages were next to my ear and 2 more breaks around the front on my chin.

Anyway I've gone to the Tumut hospital for X-rays to see what's happened.. And god dam you could see the breaks clearly, you could see the imprint of the other blokes head in the side of my jaw as it was curved inwards instead of outwards.

Before the X-rays I was sitting there waiting and all of a sudden I see this same bloke come in on crutches..

I asked him what's happened? He replied, broken leg.. You? I reply.. Jaw...
Nothing else was said.. Was quiet and awkward.. Was gonna ask him what the scores were before he left the field but didn't bother because we were already winning by over 30 points when I left.

Anyways I have my X-rays done and then I'm told I need to go to albury for a better check over there! I may aswell ask someone from albury to give me a lift back!

So I have the debutant ball to attend the following weekend and the doctor I have seen is pushing to try have my operation on my jaw done on a thursdy or Friday? Before the deb ball which was Saturday.. I left to go outside while the doctor was figuring out what he could do so I thought I better let my deb partner know that I'm probably not gonna do the deb on the day and she will have to find an emergency partner, the only person able was our teacher as we had been practicing for quite sone time to learn the dances and would be hard to just chuck someone in there to partner her.
A little about my partner, she is a really laid back girl that takes a hell of a lot to upset her, nice bubbly personality, just a really nice person.
Anyways got off the phone to her and let just say she was doing backflips :-)

Found out some goodish news for her.. I couldn't get in to have the operation done untill the following Wednesday so I could do the deb ball.. I held off for letting her know for a few extra hours.. Just Coz I could, then let her know.. And done the deb with the broken jaw..
Now I remember walking Into the hall where the deb was done and because I couldn't write the "things about me profile", someone else wrote it out for me and ofcourse all the usual broken jaw jokes came out saying stuff like in my past time I enjoy eating my food with a straw etc etc.. Lol
Let's just say after the night and more and more jack Daniels cans were consumed.. It was really hard to later on hook up with this girl I was admiring at the time she was an "austrian" exchange student Up in bed and trying to be really carefull and then she'd get caried away and more pain was inflicted.. This broken jaw definitely sucked! Still had a win though

Now comes the time for operation.. I went under in not too much pain.
I woke up in tremendous pain with a massively fat bottom lip as they had it clamped and pulled right down so they could put 2 plates on my chin for the 2 brakages there.
First things that came out of me, my mum said was.. Awwwww farrrrrrrk! WTFaaa.... And I felt my lip and then said.. Now I've got a bubba gump lip!
I heard some chuckles, I remember thinking I feel 10 times worse than what I did before I went in.

Now driving home my mum decides to offer me a piece of chewing gum.. She did so not completely thinking.. I just said, your joking right.. An then she looked at me puzzled for a few seconds before she cracked up laughing....
Thanks mum.

[Jestr75]

Another broken jaw story
Broke my jaw while on a night out with the boys (not fighting) and needed to have surgery to have plates and screws installed. Surgery was all good and when I awoke the nurse that greeted me asked how it happened and then proceeded to give me a lecture. I had a few words to say and she left to get me something to eat.
When she came back she brought me chicken sandwiches.
I thought that was pretty funny. Taught me a lesson!

[BENT_8]

Well, im out now guys, what a week.

Now the recovery begins...another 2 weeks off work should take care of that.

Feel free to keep posting stories though, Hospital can be a breeze with the right attitude... and some awesome Nurses.

[Fev]

When I was in hospital after having a couple of rods and 4 bolts jammed into my lower back I watched the clock for that very special 5 minute mark. Every mark, on the dot i clicked a button.. And all was fuzzy for the next 4 minutes.. Then the count down had begun once again


I do have one funny story

When I broke my arm in year 6 I was admitted to Westmead Childrens Hospital. They put me under happy gas to knock me out and reset my arm - what a freakin trip!! The nurse starts telling me the history of casting which started in the middle age and her words put me into a crazy hallucination. I was flying through the gates of a medieval castle checkered floor and suits of armor, everythings all distorted and twisted and i'm just gliding like superman through it all lol

Then I woke up because they didn't give me enough - the Dr was resetting my arm when I woke up and wrenching on a very large break in my right arm had me punching and grabbing at the Doc. I ended up covering him in plaster and destroying his tie, I recall trying to throw him over the top of me and over the table hahah

He also missed that I had a broken wrist at the time - which I had to go back and get reset.

[henry 351]

A mate of mine was a hospital orderly looking after a motorcycle cop who got knocked off his motorbike. "What happened?" He asked the policeman. "A woman put her indicator on to let me know she had arrived in my lane safely" replied the cop. The bloke was also a competition pistol shooter. "What do you practice on?" my mate asked. "Crows" said the cop. "Aren't they protected?" my mate queried. "Only by feathers" answered the cop. One droll fellow.

[Trevor 57]

I went in for really minor surgery on Monday December 5th and before the procedure had even started I had a major anaphylactic reaction to the muscle relaxant while I was under the anaesthetic, I woke up in the intensive care unit (ICU) of another hospital 16.5 hours later, my family thought I was a goner, intubated, life suport, adrelin in through a vein in my neck, the whole thing. I had no idea anything had happened. They kept me in for 2 days then sent me on my merry way, I am waiting for the follow up tests.


yeah you are right it wasn't that funny, but I thought I would share it.

[Scott]

Originally Posted by Big Trev

I had no idea anything had happened.

Nothing really went wrong Trev, they're taking the **** out of you.