Weds Funnies

[Charliewool]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and playing golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya
doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did
she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always
have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have
mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it..
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real ИИИИИ this time!"



A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded
above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you
have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over
anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish
that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what
she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,
what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman
truly
happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?


An Aussie love story -

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
chocolate
chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing
into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie
wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled
towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
by
his wife with a spatula.......................
.
>
>
>

F# ckoff" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Falcon_Phill]

haha good ones

[falcon91]

That second one was actually quite funny! Good start to the day, just sent it to my missus at work. Let's see if she finds it as funny (Probably Not, come to think of it)

[EF, What else?]

OMG! That first one is an absolute beauty. Definetly going into my collection

[Chippar]

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"

The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this beautiful female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."

"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,000."

"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."

"Finally for my third wish, I wanted to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in those kind of activities." So, I said, "How about a little head?"

[xbcool]

mickey mouse and minnie were getting divorced.
the big court day came around,and mickeys lawyer says to the judge,
"your honour we a seeking a divorce on the grounds that minnie is a stupid mouse!"
with that statement mickey jumped to his feet and says,
"I didnt say she was stupid I said she was ИИИИing goofy"