What jokes do you know?

[Pedro]

HAHA good onya Daz

Got this one in an e-mail today .. hope it hasn't been posted before ...


MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.)



1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.

[Road Games]

Bahahahahaahahahahaah true !!

[DJM83]

Some people posting jokes in here may want to have a look at this sites T&C as there is some quite tasteless jokes in here and also avoiding the swear filter is not allowed.

PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A FAMILY FORUM

[FGII-XR6]

The early bird may get the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese in the trap

[Pedro]

The blokes were all at a bowls camp. No one wanted to room with Barrie, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first bloke slept with Barrie and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, “Barrie snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.

The next night it was a different fellow's turn.
In the morning, same thing hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Barrie
shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Terry's turn. Terry was a tanned, older bowler; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Terry, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Barrie into bed, patted him on the bum, and kissed him goodnight. Barrie sat up and watched me all night.

[Pedro]

The Stranded Irishman

One day Paddy, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to a stunned Paddy and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Paddy.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway... "Ahh, that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, Paddy replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted Paddy. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, Paddy fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[pauljh74]

A female philosophy student fails her exam. Frustrated she approaches her tutor and asks her "Do you know anything about the subject you teach?" She replies "Of course, I wouldn't be a tutor otherwise."
The girl says " Ok, I'll ask you a philosophical question. If you can answer it, I'll accept my failure, If you can't give me full marks." The tutor accepts. The girl asks "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?" The tutor gives this a lot of thought. Finally she gives up, eats humble pie and gives the girl full marks. A few days later the tutors curiosity gets the better of her and phones the girl. She asks "Ok fair enough, I've given you a pass, full marks too, now what's the answer to that question?"
She says "The fact that you, a 50 year old woman, are married to a 25 year old man, is legal but not logical. The fact that your husband is having an affair with a 20 year old girl, is logical but not legal. And the fact that you have given an unearned pass to your husband's lover is neither legal nor logical."
****************

I went on a blind date last night, saw a girl matching the description of the girl I was meeting & said "Hi, are you Wendy?" she looked me up & down & asked "Are you James?" I said "Yes." she replied "I'm not Wendy!"
****************

My girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed,

Solution? I sent them to her Dad
****************

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
****************

What's the difference between Woody from toy story and a priest?????

Only one of them goes limp when a child walks into a room.

[FGII-XR6]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he
is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

[FGII-XR6]

Good spelling.

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate
e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him
straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you've
forgotten, spell checker comes free with your software."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."

[FGII-XR6]

INSTANT SAVINGS: -- Wayne Swan has announced that he can achieve massive centrelink benefit savings. In future claim forms will be printed only in English.

[FGII-XR6]

Goodbye Mum

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following
him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at
him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so
much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the
store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the
store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went
to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her
things, too."

[Mickxr8]

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a "POOF" you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." "POOF" The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." "POOF" The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." "POOF"

[pauljh74]

In America they call it ' Survivor '

In Australia we call it ' Camping '
******************

What Sith Lord targets pensioners with frail bones?

Darth-eritis
******************

The Catholic church has a tough policy on child molesters;

Three strikes and you're a cardinal.

[T1 Terry]

Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs
over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside,
that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr.. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'

T1 Terry

[pauljh74]

The difference between girls of various ages:

At 8 : You take her to bed and tell her a story
At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed
At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48: You tell her a story to avoid going to bed
At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story
At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
At 78: If you can get out of bed, that's another story
******************

Jobs.
Make lots of money. Enjoy the work. Keep it legal.
You must choose two of the three.

[Springfield_Johny]

So, I was in the supermarket the other day when I walked down an aisle and noticed an Indian woman. She had her eyes closed and was breathing shallow breaths. I went to check on her to see if she was ok. It was then that I noticed she had a red dot in the middle of her forehead. I figured she was ok as she was just on standby

[Pedro]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

[pauljh74]

Order now for christmas - the new radioliveloungewith the cover versions you never thought you'd hear;

Susan Boyle - Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Stevie Wonder - I can see clearly now
Nick Griffin - Black or white
Katie Price - Like a virgin
Rihanna - Hit me baby one more time
Michael Jackson - I'm forever blowing bubbles
Josef Fritzl - Love shack
Stephen Hawking - I'm still standing

[GS608]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

Order now for christmas - the new radioliveloungewith the cover versions you never thought you'd hear;

Susan Boyle - Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Stevie Wonder - I can see clearly now
Nick Griffin - Black or white
Katie Price - Like a virgin
Rihanna - Hit me baby one more time
Michael Jackson - I'm forever blowing bubbles
Josef Fritzl - Love shack
Stephen Hawking - I'm still standing

[FGII-XR6]

some quotes on the darwin awards

1. Evolution: Taking care of those too stupid to take care of themselves.
2. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself
3. When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots
4. The creative answer to the question,'To be or not to be.'
5. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
6. Nature's UNDO key
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
8. I think not, therefore I am not.
9. Stupidity is a capital offence.
10. "Why pay more for a mountain climbing rope? If it breaks, we'll replace it for free."
11. "You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"
12. "Fool proof systems do not take into account the ingenuity of fools."
13. (gene pool) Lifeguard Is Now Off Duty
14. And We Are the Top of the Food Chain?
15. Famous Last Words I: I bet no one's ever done this be...
16. Famous Last Words II: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
17. Famous Last Words III: Watch this!
18. Famous Last Words IV:I wonder what this button does?
19. Gene Pool Belly Flops
20. Scientists have long been looking for the smoking gun to prove evolution once and for all. What they did not realize is that the smoking gun was really a gun.
21. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
22. The difference between genius and idiocy? Genius has its limits.
23. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped
24. The sum I.Q. of the world is a constant. The more people, the more idiots.
25. Reincarnation: Let's you keep trying til you get it right!
26. Forget the adage about learning from your own mistakes. It's safer and more entertaining to learn from other people's mistakes!
27. There are two things in the universe that are truly abundant: Hydrogen and Stupidity.
28. Gravity:It's not just a good idea;It's the law!
29. Everyone starts off with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the experience bag befor the luck bag is empty.
30. And finally: God must love stupid people, he makes so many.

[AndrewR_AUII]

#29 is used at a flying school along with:

Any landing which you walk away from is a good one,
and landing where you can use the plane again is an EXCELLENT one.

[pauljh74]

Susan Boyle - Dont you wish your girlfriend was hot like me

I really hope there isn't a music video

[pulpist]

Went to my girlfriends funeral yesterday.

Met her parents for the first time.

What a miserable pair of buggers they were.

[CHARGED TERRA]

Guys, I really need your advice for a serious problem.



I have suspected for some time that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs; the phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot. Late meetings, and more nightshifts than usual.



I called the hospital when she was on shift the other night, and nobody had seen her. I confronted her when she got home and she had quite an elaborate story about a homebirth call out. I didn't pursue it any further.



I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid behind the boat when she came home.



She got out of a blue commodore and she was buttoning up her shirt, took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.



It was at that moment as I was crouched behind the boat that i noticed it................................................ ..........






a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket on the transom. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace it?

[KR1STO]

hahahahahah!!!!!

[GTpilot]

Don't get to mad, she's probably know about it for a while and been "touching up a welder" so he will fix it cheap.

[Bundy]

yeah I'd get it sorted quick, these things can only get messy if left to their own devices.

[SSD-85]

Isnt that an ad on TV?

[Road_Warrior]

Is it a fibreglass hull or aluminium?

[fmc351]

Boats are no joking matter.