Every woman in the street...

[jaydee]

Was down the pub last night having a quiet one, bumped into a neighbour from down the road and got talking and he was telling me that he's done every woman in the street except one.
So I get home and I'm telling the missus about it and she says,
"Must be that stuck up bit-ch at number 7"

[onfire]

lol, sucks to be you. Unless of course, thats a joke.

[fmc351]

Adam used to tell that joke to Eve

[jaydee]

Yep, a joke.
I've been around a bit but I hadn't heard it before, thought it was pretty good.

[jaydee]

Originally Posted by fmc351

Adam used to tell that joke to Eve

What about this one then
A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to the procedure.
When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said "don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. The patient went on to explain that he had two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince.
The dentist, quite astonished remarked " that was amazing, the two recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must have been something special, would you care to tell me about them".
The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man replied "when I ran out of chain"

[XR6-VCT-2000]

haha , funny jokes . here's another for you all....

2 sailors are standing on a pier when the one says to the other "Phew, do you smell seamen ?" , the other sailor replies "Oh, sorry i farted ! " .

No offence to sailors , remember , its only a joke !

[prydey]

Originally Posted by jaydee

Was down the pub last night having a quiet one, bumped into a neighbour from down the road and got talking and he was telling me that he's done every woman in the street except one.
So I get home and I'm telling the missus about it and she says,
"Must be that stuck up bit-ch at number 7"

cmon guys, its an iced tea ad off tv!!!

[normxb]

(No Offence to the nurses)

Nurse , Nurse !

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.

"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor.

"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10
hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!"


The second doctor said,

"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"


Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!" said the first doctor,

"I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to P.rick Mr. Smith's boil!"

------------------------------------------------------------------
Can you stand another one ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Prison Break

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s/ex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.


Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Booka]

Originally Posted by jaydee

What about this one then
A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to the procedure.
When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man said "don't worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain that the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that he would be OK without a needle. The patient went on to explain that he had two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so the dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To the dentist's amazement the guy didn't even wince.
The dentist, quite astonished remarked " that was amazing, the two recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must have been something special, would you care to tell me about them".
The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a rabbit trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man replied "when I ran out of chain"

Somone has been on "The Hun"

[Marlene]

Originally Posted by jaydee

Was down the pub last night having a quiet one, bumped into a neighbour from down the road and got talking and he was telling me that he's done every woman in the street except one.
So I get home and I'm telling the missus about it and she says,
"Must be that stuck up bit-ch at number 7"

Originally Posted by prydey

cmon guys, its an iced tea ad off tv!!!

Yep I remember that add

[LUXO_8]

Originally Posted by normxb

Prison Break

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s/ex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.


Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

LOL :

[mik]

Prison Break


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s/ex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you."


To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.


Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[uranium_death]

I found the "Nurse, Nurse" one far better than the Prison Break...nice one Norm.

You should do stand up. I went to a comedy club a couple of weeks ago and all they could do was show their *****...it plain sucked.

[jaydee]

Originally Posted by tristo 4.0

Somone has been on "The Hun"

Takes one to know one, good spot.
I only read the jokes, honest.

[StealthAu]

Once there was a horse and a chicken that lived on a farm and were best of friends.
One day when the horse and the chicken were out on one of their walks, the horse walked straight into a pit of quicksand. So the chicken raced back to the farm house to get the tractor to pull the horse free. On arrival to the farm house the chicken saw no tractor, as the farmer had taken it into town to be serviced. As no other option was in view, the chicken grabbed a length of rope, and jumped into the farmers BMW, went back to the pit, tied the rope to the car, threw it to the horse and pulled him to safety. A few weeks after they were out again, and the chicken fell into a pit of quick sand. The horse widened his stance, walked over the pit, and let down his old fella. The chicken grabbed it, and the horse backed up pulling the chicken to safe grounds.
The moral of this story is: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[normxb]

Originally Posted by uranium_death

I found the "Nurse, Nurse" one far better than the Prison Break...nice one Norm.

You should do stand up. I went to a comedy club a couple of weeks ago and all they could do was show their *****...it plain sucked.

Naa , mate ,
They're funny written down or with the right person putting it across , I've tried when I've been doing band jobs , but they go down "Like a Lead Balloon "

try anotherone I heard ages ago , Feel free to pass them along if you wish .

THANKS TO THE INTERNET...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop being in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up the car.

I no longer drink Pepsi since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use glad wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be stuck with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me - that's if they don't steal my kidneys too.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a white tailed spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up $10 I dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy petrol from certain petrol companies on certain days!

If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 seconds, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy bum.

I know this will “really” occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s uncle’ ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Or a short one for the little lady :-

Backseat Driving

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

Careful . CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.... USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him.
"What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied,
"I know, I just wanted to show you how it feels when I'm driving.”

[jaydee]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT



My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend,

he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll

be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks,in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bytch

[killerjoolz]

here's some more jokes....too many to C&P....lol
http://www.fordforums.com.au/showthread.php?t=112211

[ebxr8240]

Little Johny was late for school...
The teacher asked, why are you so late ?
Johny said, well miss my horse jumped over
a buddle of water on the road. The shaft of the
buggy broke and went straight up his a$$!!!

The teacher JOHNY its not a$$ its rectum !!!

No! Said johny it dum near killed him !!!