random joke...

[montyv8]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long...
No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t.

The guilt and the sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every now and then he’d hear an internal reassuring voice in his head saying:
“Dave, don’t worry about it, you’re not the first medical
practitioner to sleep with one of their patients
and you won’t be the last…and, you’re single so just let it go”

But invariably another voice in his head would
bring him to reality whispering:









“Dave…Dave…You’re a Vet”

[montyv8]

and another one:


While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephants' foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.

Carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day ...

One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. The elephant gazes at him, looking deep into his eyes.

Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him... ................

... ... ... ...



Probably not the same elephant then.

[DOC]

Originally Posted by montyv8

Probably not the same elephant then.

It was probably the one the vet slept with.

[JADED6]

Haha. Simple + funny.
DOCs reply = perfect! LOL

[myxr6]

How was it for you sweety ?
Not baaaaaad.

[Eithor]

Talk about a random jokes lol

[MYVYSS]

I love the Elephant Joke...

[Outbackjack]

Subject: Eating peanuts

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it
in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the
kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
to be
when he grows older?"

The father replied

"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
_____

[Josh_XC]

ok heres something random.

what did one farmer say to the other farmer..... Hows ya farm hahhahaha.

[FordGuy]

Originally Posted by Outbackjack

Subject: Eating peanuts

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it
in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the
kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
to be
when he grows older?"

The father replied

"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
_____

BEST ONE YET!!

[Olympus]

Originally Posted by Outbackjack

....."From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAAH !!

[myxr6]

How do you like it ?
Ruff.

[joshf2]

A man walked into the lingerie department of Macy store. He spoke to a salesperson and said, " I would like a Jewish Bra for my wife size 34B " With a quizzical look, she asked, What kind of Bra ?

He responded a Jewish Bra, she said to tell that she wanted a Jewish Bra and you would know what she wanted.

Ah, now I remember said the saleslady, " We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra or the Presbyterian bra.

Confused and slightly flustered the man asked, " So what is the difference?" The saleslady responded " It's quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.

The man mused on that information for a minute and said, " Hmm, I know I'll regret asking , but what does the Jewish bra do? " "oh, the Jewish bra," she replied " makes Mountains out of molehills"

[AnthonyQLD]

the son in-law one was great :

[JD86]

lol yeh the son in law one was good

[fordsrule55]

PMSL hahahahaha that elephant one was so classic!!! haha

[ON_DUBS]

thanks for the chuckles!

[Olympus]

Originally Posted by Outbackjack

Subject: Eating peanuts

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it
in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the
kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
to be
when he grows older?"

The father replied

"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
_____

On second thought, yeah it's a great joke, very funny.....but it worries me that the dad recoqnizes the smell. :

[AUXRVIII]

Originally Posted by Olympus

On second thought, yeah it's a great joke, very funny.....but it worries me that the dad recoqnizes the smell. :

Tasmainian family you see.

[LUXO_8]

Originally Posted by Olympus

On second thought, yeah it's a great joke, very funny.....but it worries me that the dad recoqnizes the smell. :

Originally Posted by AUXRVIII

Tasmainian family you see.

hahahaha oh thats wrong.....but damn funny all teh same



some ripper jokes here, keep them coming

[Chippar]

Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

[Olympus]

Originally Posted by chippitydip

Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Hahaha, that's gold mate !

[OZFORDAU]

That' so funny, that's a good laugh!

Cheers

Simon

[revcore]

Here's a couple of jokes I thought people might like.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first vampire orders a double blood. The second vampire orders a blood on the rocks. The third vampire orders a mug of boiling hot water. The barman asks the vampire "Why didn't you order a blood drink like your mates?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

Three men die and go to heaven.... Two white guys and one black guy. God calls up the first white guy and says "Here's your wings, You're and angel". God then calls up the second white guy and says "Here's your wings, You're and angel". God then calls up the black guy and says "Here's your wings". The black guy asks "Am I an angel too?" to which god replied "No! You're a bat".

[xr8chick]

ha ha love the angel one i have like couple of blonde (no offence to them out there) and i got em off a poster i saw......

What do u call a blonde with 2 brain cells? PREGNANT
Why do blondes wear tight skirts? 2 keep their legs together.
How do u know a blonde has been using a computer? there's white out on the screen.
How do u know a 2nd blondes' been on the computer? there's writing on the white out.
How do u know there's been a 3rd blonde at the computer? there's cheese in front of the mouse.

[FTGAutosalvage]

Originally Posted by Outbackjack

Subject: Eating peanuts

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it
in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the
kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

"That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
to be
when he grows older?"

The father replied

"From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
_____

GOLD!!!!!!

[Big Mike]

Here's something to offend everyone!
[*] Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
[*] Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
[*] What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
[*] What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
[*] What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 Kgs
[*] What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
[*] What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
[*] Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
[*] Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
[*] What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
[*] What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
[*] What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
[*] Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
[*] Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.
[*] Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
[*] What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
They have a speech impediment.
[*] How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
"You are on the other side."