What jokes do you know?

[snakeoil]

So I had a session with a child psychologist and told her about my problem

At the end of the session I asked her if she needed a lift anywhere

She declined and said she would be fine on her tricycle

Cheers

[Burnout]

A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and
phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So,
he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try
again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of
the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying
in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is 'beeping'
the horn."

[TURBO_GHIA]

what do you tell a women with 2 black eyes ??









nothing you already told her twice !!

[Burnout]

While stitching up the hand of an 80-year-old farmer, who got cut while fencing on his property, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment as Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, ya know," drawled the farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old manager said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of fool put him up there in the first place!"

[uranium_death]

That fencepost turtle one has been going around a lot lately...on every anti-Rudd site I've seen.

Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

A:

[DayTE]

Originally Posted by uranium_death

That fencepost turtle one has been going around a lot lately...on every anti-Rudd site I've seen.

Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

A:

I don't get it. Who is that? Why red?

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by T6Ute

I don't get it. Who is that? Why red?

maybe after barry hall has been thru

[rodderz]

The great Darren Millane

Too many sherbets one night and drove home, straight through the back of a truck, not much left of car

As for the black, white and red...a maggie with a fat?

[XR6_661]

A Girl from Broadmeadows walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow
afternoon to pick up my dress." She says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise.

* * * * * * * *
Another Broadmeadows girl was involved in a serious crash, there's Blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

* * * * * * * *
A Girl from Broadmeadows goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor?
"Ten" replies the Broadmeadows girl,
"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Broadmeadows girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Broadmeadows girl... "I just use their Surnames"

* * * * * * * *
A Girl from Broadmeadows enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says I'll take the red one."
The man says: "That's the fire extinguisher."

*********************
An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was still too hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you,
Vinnie
***************************************
After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ..
OH, MY GOD!". . . .. .. .. Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
One Irish passenger yelled, "be jezis you should see the back of mine!"
*****************************************
A very self-important college student attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
'The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .. and' ... pausing to take another drink of beer....
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young,.. so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little , what are you doing for the next generation?'
*************************
Booze Bus
>
> Two Aboriginals were driving their old Ford Falcon in the
> outback one day,
> when off in the distance they saw a police booze bus.
>
> One of them thinks 'this is great' and heads straight for
> it. As they pulled
> up, the driver winds his window down and says 'Two cans
> of Emu Export thanks
> mate!'
>
> The copper looks at him and says 'You must be drunk! Get
> out of the car and
> blow into this tube for me.'
>
> The driver got out of the car and said 'Sorry boss, I
> can't blow in that. I
> got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll
> pass out if I blow
> in that.'
>
> The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says 'OK
> In these cases we
> require you to give a blood sample.'
>
> 'Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doin' that. I got a letter
> from the Red Cross
> saying I'm a Haemophiliac and I could bleed to death...
> Sorry boss, can't do
> that,' said the driver.
>
> By now the copper is getting fairly irate and finally
> demands a urine sample
> for testing. The driver looks at him and says 'Sorry
> boss, can't do that
> either.'
>
> The copper says 'Surely you can't have a letter for
> that!!!'
>
> 'Bloody oath mate.' says the driver, 'It's from Kevin he
> has apologised and
> says that you whites can't take the out of us
> blackfellas no more.'
*********************************
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When
I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told
her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she
said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too
large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had
a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got
Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his
trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said
that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack.'I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Jill paused and
removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said,
so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get
into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you
don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'

[uranium_death]

Originally Posted by T6Ute

I don't get it. Who is that? Why red?

Darren Millaine (1990 AFLPA MVP) and Collingwood icon died in a traffic accident exactly 1 year and 1 day after he threw the ball in the air as Collingwood broke a 32 year premiership-drought.

He was HEAVILY intoxicated and due to a severe loss of judgement, drove into the back of a truck.

Nowadays, trucks have those metal-thingies below their trays so that if you do run into the back of them, the car will only go so far.
Back then, there was no such thing, so the tray penetrated his car's cabin and smacked him good in the head...a bloody mess.

Hence, the Red.

[Burnout]

Which woman best represents your footy team?

ADELAIDE CROWS: JULIA ROBERTS
Big in the 1990s but what has she done lately?

BRISBANE LIONS: SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Just when you thought you were finally safe....... she's back.

CARLTON BLUES: NAOMI CAMPBELL
Struts around like a winner but behaves like a loser.

COLLINGWOOD MAGPIES: BELINDA NEAL
Arrogant who thinks the world revolves around her.

ESSENDON BOMBERS: SHARON STONE
Once the hottest name in the 'biz, now just a fading force.

FREMANTLE DOCKERS: CASEY DONOVAN
Seemed like a good idea at the time, now no-one is buying her .

GEELONG CATS: NATALIE BASSINGTHWAITE
A star after years as a bit player.

HAWTHORN HAWKS: SCARLETT JOHANNSON
Only recently has everyone realised how hot she really is.

MELBOURNE DEMONS: LINDSAY LOHAN
A miracle she is still alive.

NORTH MELBOURNE KANGAROOS: KIM (FROM KATH & KIM)
Deluded and incapable of living without the intensive support of others.
Would fit right in on the Gold Coast.

PORT ADELAIDE POWER: BRITNEY SPEARS
Once had the world at her fingertips. Now can`t even remember to wear her
underwear in public.

RICHMOND TIGERS: JANE FONDA
A legend in the 60's/70's but you wouldn`t touch her in 2008.

ST KILDA SAINTS: RICKI LEE COULTER
Promises a lot but never delivers.

SYDNEY SWANS: CATE BLANCHETT
Used to be boring but has become interesting again.

WEST COAST EAGLES: AMY WINEHOUSE
Obvious isnt it??

WESTERN BULLDOGS: LINDSAY DAVENPORT
Unflashy, no nonsense gritty competitor.

[last fairlane]

Bill and Hillary were in bed and Monica brought them their toast and coffee but the food was cold so Bill told Monica who was a bit deaf to sack my cook

[last fairlane]

One night I went to a bar and ordered a beer when I noticed a guy with orange, red, green, and blue rainbow coloured hair and he said what are you looking at nothing I replied and went back to my beer when I looked around again he was right beside me and demanded what the Fu.. are you looking at so I told him that back in the 70s I worked in New Guinee and one night I fu..ed a parrot and I just thought you might be my son

[DayTE]

Originally Posted by uranium_death

Darren Millaine (1990 AFLPA MVP) and Collingwood icon died in a traffic accident exactly 1 year and 1 day after he threw the ball in the air as Collingwood broke a 32 year premiership-drought.

He was HEAVILY intoxicated and due to a severe loss of judgement, drove into the back of a truck.

Nowadays, trucks have those metal-thingies below their trays so that if you do run into the back of them, the car will only go so far.
Back then, there was no such thing, so the tray penetrated his car's cabin and smacked him good in the head...a bloody mess.

Hence, the Red.

Thanks for that. Makes perfect sense now.

[Stealth00]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!"
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer,"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[Burnout]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was
Suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
The Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour
Their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more
handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went
on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you
did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, " I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

[Burnout]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want
to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the c*cky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his p*nis around
himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[sarrge2001]

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Port Adelaide showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Port Adelaide at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the people from Port Adelaide are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

[Burnout]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation.
Last year, when one flea got to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from Michigan in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Grand Rapids airport bar, have a few drinks while you are there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The flea thanks the other flea and says he will give it a try next summer.

A year goes by..... when the flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

The other flea asks, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes", says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Grand Rapids airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep..... When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.

[olfella]

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

[TUF_302]

Originally Posted by olfella

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

hahahah!!

[Burnout]

Three Labrador retrievers one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting
in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a
conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a ****er. I on everything ... The sofa,
the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
****ed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon
it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it when I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said. The
yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, post-boxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started humping away".
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off
for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[pauljh74]

Life is like a dog-poo sandwich.

The more bread you've got, the better it is.
*****************************
The wife asked ask me if I would still love her, "if I put on weight and lost my looks."

I asked, "how do you mean, 'if'?"
*****************************
Last Saturday afternoon I was sitting in the back garden having a few beers and watching the wife cut the grass, when our neighbour happened to be walking past and was so outraged at what she was seeing, she ran over and shouted, "you should be hung."

I said, "I am, why do you think she cuts the grass!"
*******************************
I thought I hadn't been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.

Amazingly that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.
********************************
AMERICA

The smartest, biggest, most powerful country in the world

That failed to translate English into English without mistakes.
*********************************
How many hot feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question - there are no hot feminists.
*******************************
During weapons instruction the instructor asked, "the enemy is 400 meters away; your rifle has a range of 200 meters. What do you do?"

"Shoot twice, Sergeant" came the reply from the blonde trainee from the back of the room.
*********************************
A condom broke a few months back, and now the missus is knocked up. I've nicknamed the baby "our little mistake".

I can't wait for "our little mistake" to be born. It'll be nice for "our catastrophic stuff-up" to have someone to play with.
********************************
I find women are like lava lamps...

Very pretty to look at, just not very bright
********************************
A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage . Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her before the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him profusely.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the biker says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "why, it was nothing really: the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a Journalist from The New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So... what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a United States Marine and a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning, the biker buys a copy of The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
*********************************
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman got captured by a tribe. Stranded on this island, the tribe were going to kill them one by one.
A man from the tribe states that there are three ways to die: either shot, stab or injected with AIDS.
The Englishman says, "I will go first, please. Shoot me in the head."
The Scotman says, "I am next, please. Stab through the heart."

The Irishman walks up laughing. "I will go next, please. Inject me."
As he gets his injection, he is laughing and the tribesmen cannot understand why he is laughing considering he will be dead shortly.
One tribesmen says, "why are you laughing? You have just been injected with AIDS and will be dead soon."
Irishman says, "I don't think so! I am wearing a condom!"

[prydey]

we've had some good times together! remember the time you stuck your bum out one window and i stuck my head out the other and people thought we were twins.

[Burnout]

HOW LATEX GLOVES ARE MADE

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and
workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes
later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out
laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

[MoreHPformyXR6]

For anyone that missed the joke of the day this morning on Sunrise. Here goes...


A guy was driving along with a heap of panda's in his car. A cop pulls him over and orders him to take them to the Zoo immediately. The following day he is driving around again with a heap of panda's in his car and the same cop pulls him over and says "I thought I orderded you to take them to the zoo" he's says "I did and today im taking them to the beach"....

[pauljh74]

Men drive too fast, we are told, because the car is an extension of their member.

But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage.

Or maybe just polish it all the time.
******************************
Am I the only one who'd love to go to suicide bomber training camp, and see the instructor stand before everyone and say 'Right I'm only going to show you this once...'

[Burnout]

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in
Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after
moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new bloke to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 chooks.

Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another "Chinese Custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold
for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door,
he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then
put his head next to the cow's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this,
so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your
Chinese Customs? I come over to welcome you to the area, and see you running around the yard after the chooks. The next day you are p*ssing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me
to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink P*ss, and listen
to Bull-.

[pauljh74]

The Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss her."

"Sicondly, you must niver, NIVER till anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Lastly," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up wuth the $500."
**************************************
The American Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone.

They just change the witness's name to ''G. Spot.''

[Burnout]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on s*x, marriage, and family
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you? "Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"