What jokes do you know?

[Ladiesman217]

Here's a short one..

Q: Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

A: Tequila

[AccessD9D]

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

[Burnout]

john: "My wife got me involved in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
john: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

[snappy]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a Party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends

[V3RSAC3]

^^^^ Roflmfao

[deesun]

I wish my lawn was EMO,
Then it would cut itself.

[BIGJB]

^^^^

[pauljh74]

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
*********************

A young man grew fed up with life and decided to leave the city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.

The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually, "So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one of the men, "Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The youngster shuddered: "Thats gross! How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing.

Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...". He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.

"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"

"Yeah sure, but did you have to choose the ugliest one?"
**************************

[Burnout]

A man is recovering from surgery when the Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"

[xr8chick]

^^^^
Lol!

[deesun]

Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate
this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he
had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,
'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for
the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the
nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor
asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[Burnout]

While shopping for summer clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." ................He's
still in intensive care.

[Burnout]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith'
The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the s@#t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't
it?'

[Thommo76]

Daddy's car in the woods?



Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the

playground

and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to

look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her
take
off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt
Jane...'



At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an

interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'



At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his

story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was

giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy

started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when

Daddy was away on the rigs.'



Mummy fainted!



Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

[outback_chick]

LMAO so who is Little Johnny's real DAD LMAO :P

[ieatsports_cars]

Originally Posted by outback_chick

LMAO so who is Little Johnny's real DAD LMAO :P

well you would'nt know, it could be anyone ?

[Burnout]

This year a definition was required for the contemporary term;
'Political Correctness'.

The winner wrote:

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t*rd
by the clean end.'

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

This year a definition was required for the contemporary term;
'Political Correctness'.

The winner wrote:

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t*rd
by the clean end.'

i thought this was about jokes? thats damn true

[azaxr8]

Women are like carparks,
Normally the good ones are taken so sometimes when no ones looking you have to stick it in a disabled one.

[Fev]

Originally Posted by azaxr8

Women are like carparks,
Normally the good ones are taken so sometimes when no ones looking you have to stick it in a disabled one.

bahahahaha

[Fev]

A new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass."

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

To Our New Curate - A Few Tips.
* Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
* There are 10 commandments, not 12.
* There are 12 disciples, not 10.
* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
* Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ***.
* We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
* The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
* David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh^% out of him.
* When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
* We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
* When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
* The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
* The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God."
* Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[birdman941]

(Setting in the old west, covered wagons and such)

Every Sunday, the citizens of a town went to church.
They knew to arrive at the sounds coming from the church tower.
One Sunday though, the man responsible for signalling
the townsfolk suddenly passed away.
During services for their fallen friend,
the pastor asked the congregation for volunteers
to take the newly open position in the tower.

One congregation member who was without any arms hastily applied,
and the pastor, knowing this would be very difficult for him,
decided to give him the chance he so desperately wanted.
As the next Sunday arrived, the pastor nervously waited for the
signal from the church tower for the townspeople to come to church.

He was not disappointed, as it was as loud as it had ever been.
The pastor went and looked at the tower from ground level,
and saw the armless man jumping up and down feverishly,
performing his newly appointed duties.
The pastor decided this would work out just fine,
and he could keep this new duties.

The pastor advised the man that he had done a great job,
and that he was very pleased, and could continue every Sunday.

The man was very happy, and decided to do an even BETTER job next week.

So, the next Sunday comes, and there is boisterous sound from the tower
signalling the townspeople to come to services.
Unfortunately, the man got a bit carried away,
jumped extremely high, lost his balance and fell from the tower.
He perished in the fall as folks were arriving at church.
A young couple nearing the church noticed the man,
crumpled motionless on the ground.
The wife said "Who is that man?"
The husband replied,
"I don't know, but his face rings a bell'.


Allegedly true flight story

A plane flight does its normal takeoff and climbs to 40,000 feet.
The pilot, trying to be friendly, gets on the PA system
and tells the passengers:
"Hi I am the captain, and we are flying at 40 thousand feet.
If you look out to the left, you'll see the Grand Canyon,
and in a while, you will be seeing Las Vegas on your right.
We will be arriving on time, and thanks for flying our Airline".
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to the copilot:
"Boy I could sure use a cup of coffee and a BJ...."

One of the young stewardesses, hearing this,
and knowing that the pilot left the mike on,
immediately turned and quickly darted toward the cockpit to alert him.
One of the passengers then said to her:
"Hey, dont forget the coffee".

[Fev]

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

_______________________________________________

A couple in their 40's are in bed, sound asleep, when they hear a knock at the door. The husband goes downstairs to find out who is there.

At the door a drunk man is standing in the pouring rain. "H-hey bud-buddy, ya reckon you could give ush a pussshhhh?!?"

The man screams at the top of his lungs: "WHAT, YOU ARE INSANE!? You come to my house at 2 in the morning, it is raining and you want me to give you a push?! No sir, I bid you good night!"

The man slams the door in the drunk's face and hastily climbs back up the stairs. He crawls into bed and his wife asks who it was. "It was a drunk man wanting a push"

His wife sits up and turns the bedside light on. "And you didn't give him one?"

"No", says the man.

"Arthur, what if it was you out in the rain at 2am. We are the only house around for 40 miles and you just want him to wallow around in the rain all night? You get down there and you help that man!!"

So Arthur walks down the stairs, gets his boots and raincoat on and steps outside. "Hello?!! You still there?"

"Yeahhhh"

"Where are ya?"

"I'm on the swing!"

[Pinch]

Heard this one the other day about another make, but it may as well work for Holden. (Just for the record for the easily offended I have nothing against Holdens, I think I have owned more of them than Fords – its just that Holdens are Fords natural enemy)

Q Why do they put heated rear windows in Holdens?

\/


\/




A So your hands don’t get cold pushing them.

[Fev]

ahaha ill have to use that one

[Burnout]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel
noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you
know
you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a
suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know
where
to find my hearing aid.'

[HLC]

A mate of mine is addicted to brake fluid.....
















he reckons he could stop at any time though... :|

[Burnout]

When her husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and
complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not
gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I
know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity
to remember him as a great lover rather than the s&^it he always was.'

[deesun]

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

[pauljh74]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.