What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that
he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

[Burnout]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint
moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives
for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at
the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that
wall!'

[pauljh74]

We were watching James Bond the other day when my wife said, "phwoar, I could do him some damage!"

I said, "how's that then? You'd go on top?"
*********************
Bored? Broke?

Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?

Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?

Then get a job like the rest of us, you lazy bastard.
*********************
A terrorist is cornered by police when trying to plant a bomb in a train station.

The police immediately fire upon him, killing him instantly.

When in court and asked by the judge why the terrorist had 34 bullet wounds, the police replied, 'That's all we had!'
*********************
5 things not to say in a gay bar:

1. well me

2. bottoms up

3. can i bum a fag?

4. toss ya for the next round

5. can someone push my stool in?
*********************
Did you hear about the baby who was born with no eyelids, and the doctors had to take his foreskin from his circumcision and make eyelids for him?

The kid is going to be alright, he's just going to be a little c ock-eyed!

[FGII-XR6]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

Did you hear about the baby who was born with no eyelids, and the doctors had to take his foreskin from his circumcision and make eyelids for him?

The kid is going to be alright, he's just going to be a little c ock-eyed!

but think of ther foresight he'll have

[Ladiesman217]

Q: How do you spot a blind man in a strip club?

A: It isn't hard at all...

[Burnout]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I
have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade
soup for lunch and my favorite bickies and then makes love to me for half
the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a
gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me
until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

[Green X]

A man walked into a chemist and asks for a pack of tampons for his wife, the chemist replies would you like a lawn mower as well?

Why would I want a Lawn mower the man replies

Chemist says> why not, cause ya weekend’s *&*^ed isn’t it!

[pauljh74]

Pick up line of the century...

"If i flip a coin.

what are my chances of getting head?"
**********************
I knew having the Chinese hosting the Olympics would be a bad idea.

It has just finished and I feel like I want it again already.
**********************
It was such a touching moment when they had all the young children sing during the Olympic closing ceremonies....

...until the manager of the toy factory yelled out, "All right kids, break time is over, get back on the bus!"
**********************
Which Chinese gymnast won the most medals at the Olympics?

Wai Tu Yung
**********************

[Thommo76]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the who ran over my FROG!'

[Burnout]

Port Adelaide has entered into the running for the 2016 Olympics, with such
a well thought out plan I think they are in with a chance!

The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a local of
Taperoo wearing a counterfeit Fubo shirt, stolen Billabong board shorts & to
keep with tradition no shoes.

100 METRE SPRINT

Competitors will start outside Hungry Jacks Port Adelaide, and will have to
hold a VCR & a Microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the
starter's gun, a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind
the athletes.

100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, garden beds, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to Victorian residents and their caravans visiting West
Beach Resort within the time allowed.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target
will be a moving Police vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim
at the Port Adelaide Post Office Clerk, Mobil Petrol Station Console
Operator or Bottleshop Attendant.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 glasses of
Bourbon and Coke at the Ramsgate Hotel, while the wife wearing bike pants,
an old T-shirt, and thongs will be told not to make him any dinner when he
gets home. To charge him further she will ask him to remove the old
commodore transmission from the bath.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
The competitor will attend the Port Mall Shopping Centre where they will
obtain a bicycle stolen from a Portside Christian school student, they will
then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded for a helmet,
which would have been procured at the time of getting the bike.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this is now cancelled, as organisers cannot guarantee the
safety of anyone walking the streets of Port Adelaide.

GYMNASTICS
The Beam will be replaced by a strip of gutter along St Vincents Street,
outside Centrelink. The event will commence at closing time - we expect some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The floor
routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Adelaide Jail.

CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include a bonfire made out of the Taperoo Primary School
, accompanied by a local pub cover band. The Olympic Flame will be
extinguished by the Port Adelaide Mayor by urinating from the base of the
spire in a cascading effect. The stadium (to be constructed within the
Portmall Carpark) will then be boarded up before local athletes break in to
it and remove all the copper piping, electrical wiring and air conditioners.

[Burnout]

At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk.
The bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception hall fighting with
each other.

The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in court.

The judge asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Paddy rose and said, "Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what
happened."

"Go ahead, Paddy," said the judge. "Take the stand."

Paddy explained, "Per tradition, the best man got the first dance with the
bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I danced
a second song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced a third
song.

"All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the
bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!"

The shocked judge said, "By God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?" replied Paddy, "He broke three of me fingers!"

[V3RSAC3]

An older, white haired man walked into jewellers one Friday evening with a stunningly beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend…!’

[V3RSAC3]

That's the funniest thing I've seen in my life. Pure brilliance.

[Burnout]

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day, I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if
you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day,
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a
thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my
bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!! I was
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like
crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
GOD!! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a
few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a 'sunny beach'.... I saw another waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. I asked my teenage grandson, in the back seat, what that meant. He
said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've
never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this
religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car
down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

[Fev]

What's the difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on the taxman?

If you get cought, the taxman will still want to screw you.

[Fev]

Marriage has its good side. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, tolerance, self-restraint, and other valuable qualities you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single.

[uranium_death]

Did you Mum have sex with an orange, because you look like a ranga!

[XC GXL]

2 Monkeys and a Woman

There is a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature of engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So monkey 1 does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2, Monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

So monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman please, woman please, approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says....."I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything!!"

[ST]

Don't think this will come out too well written, it's a joke best spoken. May as well try anyway...

Pub Footy

A couple of blokes walk into a pub one day looking pretty down, they both make their way up to the counter. The barman walks up to them and asks "what's wrong with you blokes?" one of the pair replies "we were hoping to play some footy today, but it's pouring outside!"

"Is that it?" the barman smiles, "haven't you ever heard of pub rules footy?". They both look at each other and shake their head. "Well..." the bar tender begins "you both pick a team you want to be on, obviously you can't be on the same team. Then one of you starts; you have to scull a pot of beer, drop your dacks and fart. If one cheek moves it's a point, if both move it's a goal."

"Sounds easy enough" one replies "i'll start then, i'll be playing for Carlton and my mate will be playing for the pies"

"Alright, lets begin then..." the barman passes the Carlton 'player' a pot, he quickly takes it and sculls it down, pulls his pants down and pushes with everything in his guts...



"2 cheeks, that's a goal!" the barman shouts.

"Righto, my turn" the Collingwood player declares. As the barman is pouring the next pot a man in a bright pink shirt and skin tight pants walks in and stands nearby, interested in the game. The barman passes the collingwood player a pot, he takes it and quickly forces it down, drops his pants and...



"SMOTHERED!!!" the man in pink declares happily standing directly behind the collingwood player.

[Burnout]

Expressions.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.


* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.


* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.


* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.


* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.


* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.


* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.


* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)


* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".


* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.


* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.


* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.


* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McS*@T.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known
as a McS*@t with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').


* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.


* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!".


* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.


* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3:00am.


* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.


* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.

[snakeoil]

Wotz fat and hairy and hang's out your undies




Your mother

[SeXC]

bwahahahaha i actually laughed

[Burnout]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and Panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her Four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Susan is hiding in your Closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bed room, right Past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her Sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten ," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the Kids!"

[GS608]

From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his
keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He

was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.


Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now
started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled
the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's
intoxication.

The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be faulty`

'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'

[Burnout]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

[Burnout]

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.

[Burnout]

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, 'Daisy' says to 'Dolly', "I was
artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said 'Dolly'.

"It's true - no bull!" exclaimed 'Daisy'.

&

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

[killerjoolz]

THE “WILLY”STUDY

The AmericanGovernment funded a study to see why the head of a bloke's willy was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

[Burnout]

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think.
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why.

Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up!