What jokes do you know?

[birdman941]

What do Sears and Michael Jackson have in common?
Little boys' pants, 1/2 off.

[Charliewool]

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again.

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied.

'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals

in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[Burnout]

The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked
the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes
and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know
of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock
the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the
fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest
thing known is diarrhoea," said the Aussie.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

"Oh, said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and
ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the
light, I s*^t my pants."

[Fev]

Oh i love the Darwin Awards(its not really a joke, just bloody funny)

November 2007, Russia) Late one night, Eduard entered the apartment of a 30-year-old handicapped man, who slept peacefully as Eduard quietly cleaned out the valuables. Eduard was preparing to leave when suddenly the man woke up.
"I couldn't believe my eyes! The dark shape of some goon was standing next to my nightstand!" recalls the burglary victim. "I cried out and he attacked me, who was defenseless, with his fists! I had no choice. I hit him between the legs with my crutch, and he leapt out the window. Thank God I live on the first floor, and he did not die from the fall.

"I didn't understand at first what had fallen out of his pants. When I looked closer, I realized that it was a testicle, a man's testicle! I put it in cold water, and rushed to the phone." The handicapped man dialed the emergency services several times, but "the doctors hung up on me when I told them I had ripped a burglar's balls off!"

Half an hour later, the blood-covered thief was found by a passerby, who called the police. "An unconscious man was lying on the sidewalk," said the police investigator. "When the medics revived him, he started screaming hysterically, 'Give me back my balls!'"

Eduard's genitals were so traumatized that doctors had to amputate the entire scrotum to prevent gangrene. In the hospital, the burglar filed a complaint against his victim. He said, "I will never forgive him!"

[Fev]

Here's some more Darwin Gold :P

(21 May 2004, Texas) Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor, well, rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.

The machine shop owner couldn't imbibe alcohol by mouth due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favourite beverage via enema. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party. Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.

Wide-ranging Slashdot Discussion in which we learn that alcohol enemas are all around us! Apparently the alcohol absorbs more quickly through the capillary beds of the rectum, a fact exploited by many party animals."


Reader Comments:
"Drunk off my ***."
"Takes sh%7-faced to a whole new level."
"He earned the Award, no ifs ands or butts about it."
"This puts a new light on the old saying. 'Up Yours Mate!'"
"Up the hatch."
"What a bummer."
"Rectum? Hell no it killed him."
"In the end, no drinks for me, thanks."
"A drop never touched his lips."
"Texas is back in the lead!"
"Beware what lies beneath."
"Coitus alcoholus."
"Bottoms up!"


"Never again will I look at a tableful of liquor at a party and think, 'Damn, that's an assload of booze.'"

[BIGJB]

^^^^^^^ How funny is that.

[AndrewR_AUII]

Parity

[snakeoil]

First thing my wife says to me every morning

"Get off"

[T3-STROKER]

Chinese man Rings boss,Me no work I sick.
Boss says when iam sick i make love to my wife,try that?
2hrs Later Chinese man Rings back,Me better now
you got nice House.

[Burnout]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid
form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned
"stiff drink"

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of,

Yep, you guessed it. "MOUNT & DO."

[gz1]

NEW YORK (CNNfn) - In a stunning development, General Motors Inc. announced plans to acquire Al-Italia Airlines Inc. for roughly $182 billion in stock and debt Monday, creating a transportation powerhouse with the potential to reach every American in one form or another.
With dominating positions in the Motor Transport and Tourist industries, The new company will boast unrivaled assets.
The merger, the largest deal in history, combines the nation’s top Motor car manufacturer with the world’s top airline. The deal also validates GM's role as a leader in the new world economy, while redefining what the next generation of leaders will look like.
"Together, they represent an unprecedented powerhouse,” said Scott, an analyst with Bear Stearns. "If their mantra is content, this alliance is unbeatable. Now they have this great platform they can cross-fertilize with content and redistribute.”
The new company will be named Gen-Italia.

[AndrewR_AUII]

Old guy went to doctor and asked for a prescription for half a viagra tablet.
'Why do you only want half a tablet' the doctor says

'Just enough to stop me wizzing on the floor'

Have heard that courier companies Fed-Ex and UPS are about to merge.
The new company will be called Fed-up.

[snakeoil]

I reckon the Forum should offer a prize for the top three jokes on this stream

Some absolute rippers and happy to support it

[Burnout]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to
spending the rest
of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize
at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your
toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church
beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.'

[badefghia]

Whats the difference between a and a slut. A slut f.ucks eveyone and a f.ucks everyone but you...

[badefghia]

Whats the difference between micheal jackson and a xbox 360 there boath black plastic and attract small children..

[pauljh74]

A wife was trying to explain the purchase of some expensive underwear to her husband.

"After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," the husband replied, "and I wouldn't expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver either!"
*******************************

If "I am," is the shortest sentence in the world, what's the longest sentence?

"I do!"
*******************************

My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre
- and went to the jewellers.
*******************************

Whenever I go on the pull, I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo and I think "here's a bird who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."

[XR6_661]

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Ultratune when the mileage reaches 10,000 Km since the
last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 5 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: = $21.00

==========


Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of Oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.

2) Stop by Bottleshop and buy a case of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 socket.

9) Give up and use shifter.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
curse.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to basket surface.

18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid shifter to tighten drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cursing fit.

26) Throw stupid shifter.

27) Curse for additional 5 minutes because shifter hit golf trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Pour in four fresh litres of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[Fev]

I think the womens oil change list is a bit small. shouldnt it include be convinced all 4 tyres need replacing and the flux capacitor isnt running properly and will need replacing which includes a 4 wheel alignment, tune and diff oil change? :P

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

If "I am," is the shortest sentence in the world, what's the longest sentence?

"I do!"
*******************************

There is also a food that destroys a man's sex drive.

It's called wedding cake.

[XR6-VCT-2000]

Excuse me while i try to get myself up off the floor ! ( rolling around in fits of laughter ).
Some absolute ripper jokes in here. Good stuff .

[Fev]

MUST KEEP HIM ROFLING




A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?"

"Well...I would have gotten out today!"

[Fev]

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Finally...Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

[FGII-XR6]

a guy is driving through newcasyle when he sees a highway patrol car in his rear view mirror he is doing spot on 60. he speeds up to 80 and the cop thinks WTF is this guy doing he must have seen me I'll just watch him and see what he is up to
the guy looks back and sees the cop still on his tail so he speeds up to 100. the cop speeds up too and when the guy sees this he speeds up to 120
well the cop decides to pull him up. he gets out of the car and walks up to the guy and says WTF are you doing you were doing 60 and i was about to pass you and leave you alone then you speed up to 80 then 100 then 120, you must have known i would book you?
the guy says look mate I was just trying to get away from you, 10 years ago my wife ran off with a Newcastle highway patrol cop and here I am passing through Newcastle and i see you in my rear view mirror. So I thought you were him trying to bring her back

[Fev]

This is Gold. and absolutely true!! i use a few of them atleast once a day lol



The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[Fev]

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his will still manage to all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had ****ed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

[AndrewR_AUII]

The two most important words in a marriage:

"Yes Dear"

[FGII-XR6]

the 3 parts of the church on a womans mind when getting married

aslie
alter
hymn

Originally Posted by AndrewR_AUII

The two most important words in a marriage:

"Yes Dear"

[SwatXR6]

a Ya Momma joke
Ya Momma is so fat,
when God said let there be light,
he said Move Ya Fat ***

[Fev]

http://blog.lorla.com/2007/04/15/str...american-laws/

read these funny american laws - hilarious and weird!