What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly rep lies, 'Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.'

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr Smith no longer thinks the little s*#t is so adorable.

[Fev]

hehehe i used to love playin 'house' for exactly that reason :P

[XR6_661]

Bahahahah

[Burnout]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama
queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was
boring. She was totally predictable and never got
excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another,
never settling on anything. She did silly impetuous things
and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her
feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and am just looking for a girl with big t*ts.

[Fev]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[Fev]

The doctor took Bill into the room and said,
"Bill, I have some good news and some bad news."

Bill said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

___________________________________________

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

[Fev]

best one liner ever.


What's the best thing about a blow job?

- The 15 minutes of silence!

[Burnout]

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather
in a nursing home.

Since most of the facilities were completely full, they
had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility,
they came to visit Grandpa.

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says Grandpa.


‘We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

‘Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat
the residents here,' Grandpa says with a big smile.

'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't
played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'

'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't
been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Hounor'!'


And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't
been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'

'And what about you Grandpa' - asks the grandson.
'And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The f^*king Arab!'

[Fev]

hahaha pensioners :P

[FGII-XR6]

the picture of it on yahoo looks like the stargate with the iris 1/2 closed

[pauljh74]

I don't have a Carbon Footprint...

Because I drive everywhere.
***************************

My friend at work said, "you look happy today."

I replied, "well, we'll soon be listening to the pitter-patter of tiny feet."

He said, "wow, I didn't realise Sarah was pregnant."

"She's not," I said. "I've given the cheating cow pubic lice."
***************************

China has announced it's team for the Paralympics:

Fu Kin Mong, Sim Pal Twat, Wan Lim Gon, Fut Long Tung, Won Kee Eye and Mai Lef Fut
***************************

Amir Khan's mum shouts to him that his tea's ready.

"Be down in a minute mum!"
For those who don't know him:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/spo...cle4697789.ece

[XR6TCraig]

Q) How do you make a hormone?














A) Kick her in the guts!

[Burnout]

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The
new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[birdman941]

This has got to be the funniest thread ever!

[Fev]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The
new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

haha nice start! i wonder if my dad has ever done something like that? lol

[big-e]

Originally Posted by Fev

http://blog.lorla.com/2007/04/15/str...american-laws/

read these funny american laws - hilarious and weird!

Guys, this tread is the best thing out.
Keep it up.
The above link is soooooo funny.

[FGII-XR6]

Originally Posted by Craiginmackay

Q) How do you make a hormone?














A) Kick her in the guts!

or don't pay her

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by big-e

Guys, this tread is the best thing out.
Keep it up.
The above link is soooooo funny.

Do you know how much effort is involved in keeping all this stuff coming??????









Almost none!

[Burnout]

HOW CUM?

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one
named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu. For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.

One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.

However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father
but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.

Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!

[Fev]

god thats a hard one to read lol

[Fev]

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the
mental abilities of
their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most
stupid woman in
the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of
meat, and we don't
even have a freezer! The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went
out last week
and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive! Not to
be out done, the
Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left
for a two week holiday
in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a
Willy!"

(can someone please tell me why the hell p3n!s is blocked? COME ON!)

[Fev]

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered
dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it
he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and
the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog
walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one
side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the
top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm
gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he
approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned
hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and
took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were
full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's
hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind."

[Fev]

this is funny as

California Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a d**khead all day long.

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

HOW CUM?

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one
named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu. For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.

One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.

However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father
but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.

Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!

Come again ??

[pauljh74]

Just in case you've had a rough day or you ARE having a rough day.

Here is a quick 7-Step stress management technique recommended in the
latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is - this really works.

Try this:

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.

See - You are smiling already.
**************************

The Energizer Bunny, known best for 'going and going and going...' passed away last evening.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, some bugger put the battery in backwards and it kept coming and coming and coming...
**************************

Batman arranges a party and invites all the fashionable superheroes. He is particular friends with Superman, who, as the party reaches its peak, hasn't turned up. The night goes on and Superman turns up as the last of the guests are leaving.
"So what happened, Superman?", asked Batman, upset that his closest acquaintence missed the party.

"I was flying on my way..", started Superman in a fluster, "...when I saw Wonderwoman lying naked in her back yard with her legs wide apart. I've always fancied her and guessed that she was expecting me. I dived down as fast as I could from 30,000 feet to give her a good rogering there and then"

"I bet she was surprised", said Batman.
"Not half as surprised as the Invisible Man", replied Superman

[Burnout]

An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge asked, "What is it?"

The husband replied, "Your honour, she also stole a can of peas."

[Fev]

i think pensioners would prefer being in jail, atleast they wont have to eat dogfood :(

[Burnout]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing
that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started
catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy
at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the man's absence, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these
monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to
you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to
him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

[Burnout]

Happy Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well for example yesterday my wife and I went to Grantham and went into a
shop. We were only there for a couple of minutes. When we came out there
was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
said come on, how about giving an pensioner a break?

He ignored us and carried on writing out the ticket. I called him a Nazi
t*rd. He glared at me and wrote out another ticket for worn tyres.

So my wife called him sh*thead. He finished that ticket and started writing
out another ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally we did not
care. We came into town on the bus. We try to have a little fun each day
now that we are retired. Its important at our age.

------------------------

"Doctor, every time I break wind, I produce the sound 'HONDA'.

"Drop your shreddies, bend over the desk, and lets have a quick inspection.
But first, give me a rendition".

So I clenched my teeth, gave a squeeze, and there it was...'HONDA'.

I bent over and he had a rather lengthy delve into the depths. "Ah, I see
the cause of your problem; you`ve got an abcess up there".

"ut how does that produce such a sound?" I ask.

Doctor replies, "Because... Abcess makes the fart go 'HONDA'".

[GS608]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

================


Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of VB.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of VB you are'.