What jokes do you know?

[snappy]

You have got to be kidding me.

[Burnout]

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

[Mudzy]

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female....... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys..

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Burnout]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks
over and over again.

There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding
the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning
almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said... "OK, I give up. Where's the effing ship?"

[snakeoil]

two old farmers driving down collins Street melbourne
one says
"can you make a u turn here"
the other farmer says
"not sure about that but I can certainly make its eyes pop"

[Burnout]

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

[NC1183]

I thought for sure you where going to be getting a holiday, thats great.

[Creampuff]

A woman gets a facelift, its the new method where they twist the top of your head up tight. the woman looks beautiful for years. She wakes up one morning and notices bags under her eyes! She goes back to the doctors and asks"what is wrong with my eyes"? i'm sorry said the doc but" those are your breasts". "oh" she says, "then i can guess what the goatee is"

[Burnout]

Two patients limp into two different Australian medical clinics with the
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month, and finally has his
surgery scheduled for a year later. After six months the surgery date is
extended a further twelve months.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever;

The second is a Pensioner.

[Burnout]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front verandah, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

[Burnout]

A Cuban, Scot, Kiwi and Aussie were travelling in the same carriage on a
train bragging about their homelands when the Cuban lit up a big fat
cigar. He took one puff of the sought after log and threw it out the
window.

"Why didya goen do that fir?" cried the Scotsman. "T'was a real Cubin
cigar you just threw out the window laddy".

"My country has so many cigars that losing tenfold this amount means
nothing to me. There is plenty more where it came from." returned the
bragging Cuban.

The Scot wondered what item his country had bountiful quantities of so
that he could out-do the Cuban. From out of his bag he pulled a brand
new bottle of the finest Scotch Whisky, took a gulp and threw the bottle
from the train.

"Why in the bloody hell did ya do that for ya stupid Scottish bastard?"
howled the Aussie. "That was a top drop you just got rid of."

"Ah young laddy, such whiskey runs like water in my fine country. Losing
even the finest bottle means nothing to me - there is plenty more where
it came from".

At that point the Aussie picked up the Kiwi and threw him from the
Speeding train.

[Burnout]

Two midgets are at Crown Casino and win the jackpot on the pokies. The
rest of the night they spend some of the money on alcohol, and
eventually go home.

Whilst sitting in the living room at home they both decide to hire a
hooker with the remaining money. Finally this gorgeous blond women
appears at the front door. The first midget goes into the room with her.
They take their clothes off and fall into bed together. However, due to
drinking so much, the first midget cannot perform. Eventually he gives
up and leaves the room and tells the second midget to go into the room.

Later that evening whilst the first midget is in bed he is awoken by
noises in the other room. All he can hear is the second midget with the
prostitute, and voices yelling: "1....2....3.... ahhhhh"
"1.....2.....3....... ahhhhh" "1.....2......3........ ahhhhhhh" The
first midget thinks to himself "Lucky bastard".

The next morning at breakfast the two midgets were talking to each other
about the night before. The first midget said "I am so sad. I couldn't
even get it up."

The second midget said, "Your not as sorry as I am."

"What?" said the first midget, due to hearing the noises the night
before.

The second midget says, "I couldn't even get up on the bed!"

[pitpal]

Q. What do you do if a shark is chasing you?
A. Stab your mate

[Charliewool]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.



The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.



The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.



I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour who knows bugger all about running the country.'



'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!' He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '



'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a f%&king truck hit us.'

[Charliewool]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming
Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the
corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv
prostate suckness ey"



"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off
your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards
wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[Charliewool]

A fleeing Talibani, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he staggered toward the object only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with a collection neckties laid out on it........

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

" DAMN IDIOT!" Shouted the Arab, I do not need an overpriced tie. I need WATER!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, and that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Six hours later he comes crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table. The Jew said, "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[birdman941]

Great one.
This is the best joke thread on the planet.
I have shared several on other boards.

[Burnout]

A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they
would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only
political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and
found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch, he tried the TV again but still only found
political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads, he called the store
to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to
only have political ads, but he agreed to send their repairman to check
the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV, he found that the farmer was
right. After looking at the TV for a while, he went outside to check the
antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found
the problem.

The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to
the manure spreader.

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Great one.
This is the best joke thread on the planet.
I have shared several on other boards.

I disagree with you, I think this one is:

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/index.php

I have been on the management team for some time.

[snappy]

Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'.

[snappy]

Subject: ATO Genie



A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains
without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sa nd, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the
sa nd several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sa nd, and discovers an
old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Australian Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' sa ys the genie... 'You know how I work. You have
three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' sa id the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust
an ATO genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transport, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right.

'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'



***POOF***



The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'



***POOF***



The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy sa ys... 'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'



***POOF***



He is turned into a tampon.



The moral of the story is:



If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.

[46302ute]

Skaife win bathurst....
:

[pauljh74]

For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: Being kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth.

So how can we reach an answer? Well put it this way. About a year after a couple's first child, a woman will say "lets have another baby"

But I challenge you to find a man, who one year on, will turn to his mate and say "tell you what, Dave...kick me in the bollocks again"
*********************************************

Police have now released the bodies of the Foster family killed in the Toorak Mansion arson case.

When asked why it had taken so long, a police spokesman commented, "We had to wait for the bodies to cool down... you wouldn't want a warm Fosters, would you?"
*********************************************

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Robert Mugabe".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Robert Mugabe
?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

Tomorrow we'll do Jacob Zuma
********************************************

Spending your life waiting for the Messiah to come save the world is like waiting around for the straight piece to come in Tetris. Even if it comes, by that time you've accumulated a mountain of crap so high that you're screwed no matter what you do.
********************************************

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Atheists.

Athe...

Only kidding! Because we don't go around knocking ON YOUR BLOODY DOOR.

[Burnout]

Praise for answered prayers

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise
for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise. Two
months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum
was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't
know if they could help him.' You could hear an audible gasp from the men
in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.'

Pat continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of
the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover
completely.'

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the
podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is
sternum.'

[burnz]

read these jokes from another site http://forums.justcommodores.com.au/...bad-jokes.html
allso http://failblog.org/

[burnz]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "IS there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, rips off his shirt and says, "HERE!..... IRON THIS!".

[rodderz]

I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pall bearers carrying around a large coffin.

3 hours later they were still carrying around the large coffin.

I thought to myself, "they have lost the plot!"

[hambo_12]

Two men got caught robbing a Calendar from a newsagents....They each got six months...

[hambo_12]

A cop riding a horse pulls over a small girl riding a bike:

The cop says "Did you get that bike from Santa little girl?"
The girl says "Yes"
The cop says "Well tell Santa next time to put reflectors on it"
The girl looks long and hard at the cop and says "Did Santa give you that horse?"
The cop almost laughs, and says "why, yes, he did"
The girl says "Well next time tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top!!"

[pauljh74]

You're about as much use as Anne Frank's drum kit.
*******************************************

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. Then, with his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
*******************************************

Not a joke but a good read..

The 1st part is a girl's email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. 2nd is his hilarious reply ..
Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p1ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I
can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that m! y behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth ,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't shag him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill blonde skank who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you! might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,

Brad

:

********************************************