My 14 year old daughter is out of control - Page 2

CrankR · 17-09-2005, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EL_Advanti

i think you misunderstood...his comments were aimed at someone else

EDIT: beaten to it...mods feel free to delete.

ah, my bad, sorry 'bout that.............just was getting worked up about a few people out there that where bagging the author out.

jonbays · 17-09-2005, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by loxxr6

My g/f's parents did this to her. She still turned out to be a horror. I reckon when you take so much away from a person they're more likely to resent you more and rebel further.

This the bind we're in now. Taking more away every time isn't really working just causing more problems but what do you do?

I can't say oh well don't do that again.

The fact I am asking for advice on the forum tells you I am getting seriously worried about her.

Trying to control which friends she sees is a real drama too. We have tried to make it easier to go out with people we approve of but this has been abused as well.

I would be happy if she had a sensible slightly older boyfriend who would probably straighten her out a bit but the way she carries on she isn't attracting those sort of boys.

Yes I am sorry I was really ****ed off with her and it all came out badly in the beginning but you have to understand how far teenagers will push you and there are a lot of ugly details that don't bear repeating. Stuff that you just don't want to know about your own daughter. If I had taken a photo of her when I picked her up last night I would be jailed as a Pedo for posting it up!

Cheahman · 17-09-2005, 01:56 PM

I completely understand jonbays. Alot of people dont understand really just how bad it can become, it sounds easy in theory but when it comes to the real thing it just goes the complete opposite. I know im not a father, but Im a brother and i care about my sister and worry about her just as much. My parnets have been through hell and back over the last few years. All I can say is the stuff we have been through is much worse than what you are currently. It is stuff i have told no one and never will.

Best advice i can give is the get her to hang around decent people, but again it may sound easy but to get her to do it is another thing.

Dodge · 17-09-2005, 01:58 PM

make her be miss inderpendant, send her to work and pay some bills.. dont have a answer 4 u mate , its a tough call either way. just stand by her so u dont loose her

XAGSV8 · 17-09-2005, 02:10 PM

Do what my parents did to my brother a few years ago, when they got the call about him been drunk they called the cops and told them there is a drunk wondering the streets. The cops picked him up and put him in the watch house for the night. When they called my parents to bail him out they left him there to teach him a lesson and told the police to give him a little scare. He never did it again. Other then that try to contact the parents of your daughters friends and see if they know what is going on.

aimzes · 17-09-2005, 02:23 PM

id be getting in touch with her mates parents. knock off her phone for and hour or two and ring some numbers. tell them wtf is going on and wtf they kids get upto. maybe you can sort something out where if there kid sees your kid getting too drunk they call there parents who will call you with the adress.

talk to the school, they might be able to help.

jonbays · 17-09-2005, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dodge

make her be miss inderpendant, send her to work and pay some bills.. dont have a answer 4 u mate , its a tough call either way. just stand by her so u dont loose her

This is the problem she is MISS INDEPENDENT. She works and earns enough money to buy smokes and booze and god nows what else. All we hear is when I am 16 I can leave and do what I want BLA BLA BLA. I have been saving her money in the bank and giving her pocket money back out of her wages to limit what she can get up to (taxi rides at night after she sneaks out a midnight!) but imagine the battles we have over that.

Psycho Chicken · 17-09-2005, 02:38 PM

Am I correct in assuming you have to have parental consent for a mobile phone under 16?

Shonky · 17-09-2005, 02:40 PM

Is her Mum still around?

Ignore this if it is too personal a question, but I grew up without my old man around (Thus accounting for my lack of mechanical aptitude :P) and while I turned out alright, It was 'difficult' at times to say the least.

Good luck with it mate. Women are difficult creatures at the best of times. Around "that age" they are blue murder...

pauljh74 · 17-09-2005, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jonbays

This is the problem she is MISS INDEPENDENT. She works and earns enough money to buy smokes and booze and god nows what else. All we hear is when I am 16 I can leave and do what I want BLA BLA BLA. I have been saving her money in the bank and giving her pocket money back out of her wages to limit what she can get up to (taxi rides at night after she sneaks out a midnight!) but imagine the battles we have over that.

She says she can do what she wants at 16. Maybe let her know that people twice her age living a clean, responsible lifestyle find it hard to get by WITH regular employment. I just started a part time job this week in addition to my other job that just covered my budget - which allows for $50 miscellaneous/entertainment expenditure. Now I work 10 hour days in an attempt to get ahead rather than just stay afloat. I don't drink or smoke or take drugs, and don't go out to clubs. My computer and the internet is my main "luxury".

jonbays · 17-09-2005, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Psycho Chicken

Am I correct in assuming you have to have parental consent for a mobile phone under 16?

I wish! I bought her one in fact two but as soon as she caught on these could be used to get info on what she was up to she got her own.

Shonky · 17-09-2005, 02:53 PM

Yeah so true Pauljh74...

I work F/T and was considering moving out. No reason. Just for the hell of it.

I do all my own washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc and I have my own car which I pay the rego, insurance, fuel, etc on. I also pay half the rent (the old lady pays the other half)

The reason I decided to stay was that my mum would have to pick up my half of the rent, and I wouldn't be available to drive me 15 year old socio-terrorist of a sister around.

I live a fairly no-frills lifestyle, and am involved in various volunteer organisations so that keeps me out of trouble.

I still go out and drink (don't smoke though) but because a lot of my mates are also in volunteer organisations with me, Instead of getting blotto every Friday night we go for a burn up the river in a 400hp 6 ton fire boat. And the government pays for it all!

Try and get her into volunteer organisations. It was the best thing I ever did, and it has certainly kept me on the straight and narrow. It also gave me a real eye opener as to what I wanted career wise.

Youth groups are also a good idea.

**Mechan1k** · 17-09-2005, 02:54 PM

See CH7472's post ... well ... his daughter's post.

This is a very good post indeed ... I remember going to a youth group at the end of every week when i was at school ... it was great ... kept me out of trouble and I enjoyed it.

It's hard to restrict her doing things.

I'd say seek professional advice as Mark mentioned ... yeah it might cost a bit of money .. but in the end ... there's no price on your family.

Speak to her friend's parents ... invite them around to sit down and have a chat ... or go to them ... which ever. I am guessing they are in a similar boat as you are as well.

Calling the cops on her might be harsh ... but they don't really take you back to the copshop though ... they take the kids home to the parents .. and then the parents look like the bad guys then .. it doesn't work too well.

Maybe a chat to Barnardos ... or Lifeline ... other another youth help line may give you some answers ... another option is to send her to one of thier "hostels" ... similar to a boot camp in a way ... they learn to smarten up quick.

Over time your daughter as learnt how to manipulate you and your partner/wife/etc. And manipulate very well ... kids act dumb most of the time ... but are pretty cluey and smart ... someone from a youth hostel won't take that sort of treatment and give back exactly the same as your daughter gives out.

She then realises home life is actually much better than being quasi-"locked-up" in a hostel ... and hopefully comes to her senses ... also there are councellors at these hostels as well ... and they "will" eventually get her to talk ... and find out why she is doing these sorts of things.

These are the only things I can think about to help you with ... I'm not a parent myself ... but was nearly in one of these hostels at one point myself when i was younger ... I went there (was taken there) to speak to someone ... and was shown around the place.

Somewhere I really didn't want to go to ... so I smartened up my act ... quickly.

**Mechan1k** · 17-09-2005, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Young 'un

Is her Mum still around?

Ignore this if it is too personal a question, but I grew up without my old man around (Thus accounting for my lack of mechanical aptitude :P) and while I turned out alright, It was 'difficult' at times to say the least.

Good luck with it mate. Women are difficult creatures at the best of times. Around "that age" they are blue murder...

Same here ... (although my Dad died when I was 12) ... hence my lack of mechanical aptitude as well ... but it was difficult as well ... I can tell you.

As i got older i realised how much i gave my Mum a hell of a hard time.

jonbays · 17-09-2005, 02:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Young 'un

Is her Mum still around?

Ignore this if it is too personal a question, but I grew up without my old man around (Thus accounting for my lack of mechanical aptitude :P) and while I turned out alright, It was 'difficult' at times to say the least.

Good luck with it mate. Women are difficult creatures at the best of times. Around "that age" they are blue murder...

I was the same as you with no Dad around when I was young but to try and get close to him I was into cars big time as he was. With only my mother to try and control me I was also really bad too mostly joyriding and binge drinking stuff and it took me a wake up in the cell event to get sorted out so maybe this is just my Karma.

Mums around all right and she does the day to day disciplining and so is a 16yo brother who is fine. We think were just a normal family. Of course we all have our problems too.

17-09-2005, 03:06 PM

you just gotta tough it out matey...and every family has problems, n thats why urs is a normal family too...but what u have to be careful about is that, u have to show her that there are consequences for bad behaviour...i know u said ur son is 16...n thats also a very impressionable age...u dont want him to think...wow...she gets to have all the "fun"...maybe i should be on the **** too.

So dont let her influence him into doing the wrong thing...even though shes the young'un

**GasoLane** · 17-09-2005, 03:41 PM

This is probably the toughest thread in the whole forum, no easy answer here.

At her age you cant 'tell' her anything, only suggest it. If you can make sound like it's her idea great as we all know parents know nothing.

I think the only real way is to get her out of her circle of 'friends'. If it's possible move to another town.

We had a similar problem with our daughter when she was 19 and she decided to try some chemical experiments, Outcome, daughter is now 27 and fine and we have custody of an 8yo grandaughter.

We found out when both our kids were teenagers that you can give them the best advice in the world but there's nothing that says they have to take it.

Professional advice would be a damned good starting point, you dont have to do what they say just listen.

XR8GRL · 17-09-2005, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dodge

send her to work and pay some bills..

That doesn't always work, a friend of mine is in a bit of a similar situation like jonbays with her 16 year old daughter. She works but refuses to pay bills or will only hand over about 10% of the total, wants hand outs but will only pay back whats owed after she purchases things for herself.

loxxr6 · 17-09-2005, 04:14 PM

Maybe your daughter needs a hobby. Maybe she has too much money/time on her hands to get up to stupid things.

Maybe and its not the best idea....maybe she just needs to get this out of her system until she gets bored of getting tanked every weekend.

Have you thought about getting your sons to go out with her to keep her out of trouble ? Is that a possible solution ?

rag top · 17-09-2005, 04:30 PM

Might be time to do some research on you and your daughter's relationship, and as others have mentioned, seek some professional help.

I did a quick search on Google, and found the following which may be of some use to you...

http://adventist.org.au/life/childre.../your_teenager

buickman · 17-09-2005, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Waggajag

This is probably the toughest thread in the whole forum, no easy answer here.

At her age you cant 'tell' her anything, only suggest it. If you can make sound like it's her idea great as we all know parents know nothing.

I think the only real way is to get her out of her circle of 'friends'. If it's possible move to another town.

We had a similar problem with our daughter when she was 19 and she decided to try some chemical experiments, Outcome, daughter is now 27 and fine and we have custody of an 8yo grandaughter.

We found out when both our kids were teenagers that you can give them the best advice in the world but there's nothing that says they have to take it.

Professional advice would be a damned good starting point, you dont have to do what they say just listen.

Good advice.

I have a cousin with a 15yo daughter with problems of not comming home wagging school hiiting mum and the biggest cause is besides hormones out of control is the friends they keep.

The DHS will lay charges against you if you try physical disipline & half the safe houses they have for these kids to go to are full of lossers in thier 20's.
I now its not really the place to seek some type of advice on a car forum but when things get desperate & the child you love & if you have never been in this situation you look for as much advice as possible.

The friends my cousins daughter keeps are the same & now all the tricks of the streets but not life.

Seek profesional advice even if she will not attened.
Good luck & with professional help & percerverance I hope she grows out of it even if the schooling has been desrupted for the short term

buickman

MrQuan · 17-09-2005, 05:05 PM

I'm just wondering how it came to this? Was it an over the night type thing? Or did she do it behind your back so you didn't see the changes?

14 is a turning point in a kids life. If they mess it up now it'll be harder later to get back on thier feet.

See a professional I say, make sure you do everything right - because I seams like you've only got one shot at it (considering her current state). I assume her schooling has gone out the window? Or is there still hope there?

bindi · 17-09-2005, 05:11 PM

This is a very difficult situation, I agree with others who suggest to take Mark's offer (I would in this situation - my son is nearing 14 and my daughter turns 12 tomorrow).

By banning your daughter from doing stuff, it will make her want to rebel more. I know that we all go through those teenage years and things can get very nasty for some. I would look at her friends, her school, and the friends' parents. Get support from everywhere possible, cos you need it.

Also I don't know what the title was, nor the wording of the original post. Anything seriously demeaning and nasty she experiences at home will encourage her to leave, and/or rebel. She needs positive attention - she is craving love and support. By reacting so dramatically to her bad behaviour it only reinforces her to go and do it more. Negative attention is better than none at all in the eyes of a girl. Also she may deep down feel she deserves nothing better than this... been there, done that myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by davocol

and if that does not work find a male friend of hers and give him a stern talking to, that your daughter is his responsibility when they go out and if she is not looked after you will tell his parents what they get up to and if he touches her you will kill him. Good luck.

I personally think this is a bad idea. SHE needs to take responsibility for her own actions, and you can't force another into the situation. It would be unfair on the guy. What kind of pressure is that? And what makes you think that she would listen to him anyway??? He could warn others to stay away, but she'd need some 7ft Samoan guy to be her bodyguard in this situation.

Good luck.

ssj_jaypee · 17-09-2005, 06:37 PM

You guys are all pussies!!
If that was my daughter well for starters she wouldnt be a problem cause I would've raised her properly with good sets of morals and beliefs.
Half the problem with kids these days is their parents and their lack of proper parenting.
You gotta be strict and forward with them. Like the old saying goes "you gotta be cruel to be kind" they will thank you in the future when they realise all you did was to protect them and make them realise the errors in their ways.

Now, if that was my daughter and she still would be rebelious I would seriously start laying the law down on her ****.
If smacking and yelling at her doesnt do anything, start getting aggressive like take away all priviledges, dont do anything for her make her do her own washing of her clothes and making her own food, dont pick her up after school or take her to dance class.
If she thinks she is mature enough to be out drinking and partying and such at that age well she might as well do all the other stuff "mature people" do.

F**k I hate teenagers, bloody annoying idiots. Stupid parents cant even raise them properly.
Back in the old days kids were scared to answer back to their parents, now you see them calling their parents morons and "I hate you!".
This world is going to slowly cave into itself and implode killing everybody with it.

Laminge · 17-09-2005, 06:39 PM

Oh ssj, just fill us in and tell us how old you are so we can all learn from your life experiences!

Psycho Chicken · 17-09-2005, 06:40 PM

Ok mate, how many kids have you raised? None?

b2tf · 17-09-2005, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ssj_jaypee

You guys are all pussies!!
If that was my daughter well for starters she wouldnt be a problem cause I would've raised her properly with good sets of morals and beliefs.
Half the problem with kids these days is their parents and their lack of proper parenting.

I would suggest being VERY careful about making assumptions about jonbays' parenting abilities etc. You dont know what you're talking about.

Quote:

Now, if that was my daughter and she still would be rebelious I would seriously start laying the law down on her ****.
If smacking and yelling at her doesnt do anything, start getting aggressive like take away all priviledges, dont do anything for her make her do her own washing of her clothes and making her own food, dont pick her up after school or take her to dance class.
If she thinks she is mature enough to be out drinking and partying and such at that age well she might as well do all the other stuff "mature people" do.

All well and good to say it on the net, when its for real you may be singing a different tune.....

Quote:

F**k I hate teenagers, bloody annoying idiots. Stupid parents cant even raise them properly.

In that case, I hate you too.

Bucknaked · 17-09-2005, 06:43 PM

This is a topic that's all to familiar to me. It's happened to our family, and even though what your describing is happening to you now, we have already been through it and we continue to go through it.

It's amasing what children can get upto without realising what they are doing is wrong and there are consequences to their decisions. They want to grow up so quick, but they don't want the responsibility that goes with it.

In our case, it is my sister. I'm not going to go into all the details. I will spare the details. I can say that as a result of her rebellious teenage years, my parents now have full custody of her 3 children each from a young age. 1st was from 18 months, 2nd from 2 years old and the 3rd at 6 weeks of age. Its a battle they had to endure. Several preganicies and miscarriages. My parents survived it. And so have the children. But there are a lot of wounds that will never be healed. It's a long road with no resolution. The children have sufferred greatly. You can see that. But they have a good home now. Security and love. We give that to them.

My parents thought when the children left home, its time to enjoy the rest of their lives together. Now they are parents all over again. The youngest is almost 5. Their lives have done a full 360.

Its a subject that is a difficult one. I know what your going through. I hope you get through it and it ends as quick as it started.

I do wish you all the luck John.

What you need fom this community is support. I offer my support as I'm sure most of the posters in this thread will.

Cheers

Buckie

ssj_jaypee · 17-09-2005, 06:49 PM

I dont need life experiences, I dont have any kids but I was one and I know how I was raised and I can see now that how my parents looked after us kids I am alot more better now than alot of kids my age.
I have a good car, a solid job, a bright future. I dont tend to make the wrong choices in life like alot of people my age do.

Thats my 2c worth.

BJ · 17-09-2005, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ssj_jaypee

You guys are all pussies!!
If that was my daughter well for starters she wouldnt be a problem cause I would've raised her properly with good sets of morals and beliefs.
Half the problem with kids these days is their parents and their lack of proper parenting.
You gotta be strict and forward with them. Like the old saying goes "you gotta be cruel to be kind" they will thank you in the future when they realise all you did was to protect them and make them realise the errors in their ways.

Now, if that was my daughter and she still would be rebelious I would seriously start laying the law down on her ****.
If smacking and yelling at her doesnt do anything, start getting aggressive like take away all priviledges, dont do anything for her make her do her own washing of her clothes and making her own food, dont pick her up after school or take her to dance class.
If she thinks she is mature enough to be out drinking and partying and such at that age well she might as well do all the other stuff "mature people" do.

F**k I hate teenagers, bloody annoying idiots. Stupid parents cant even raise them properly.
Back in the old days kids were scared to answer back to their parents, now you see them calling their parents morons and "I hate you!".
This world is going to slowly cave into itself and implode killing everybody with it.

Well now why don't you take a good look at your self sport. I have a teenage daughter and guess what. I have got not one problem with her. Yes she was bought up with the right values and beliefs and she has respect for her elders, but saying all of that she also has her days were i could kill her,it is just part of them growing up. What this person has not so much asked for but is trying to find some sort of soluition for his daughters bad habits. Now if you dont have some thing worth saying from you bag of pareinting skills then i suggest you don't say anything at all. I hope to god you never have any kids i would hate to think how they would be bourght up like.