What jokes do you know?

[Riksta]

Love this one, cracks me up every time, but it can't be done in writing - you need to do it to somebody verbally.

Knock Knock?
(who's there)
The Interrupting Cow.
(as soon as they start to say "The Interrupting Cow Who?" you blast them halfway through them saying "Interrupting" by saying "MOO!").

Originally Posted by BFGT40

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick

Always gotta follow that up with:

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.

Most of my other jokes are far too inappropriate for a forum like this. Unfortunate because they're gold!

[StAndArdAU]

Farmer recieves a phone call from his farmhand: "You've gotta help me out John, I've been driving the Cruiser, checking the fences and i've hit a Pig! Now im trying to put him on the side of the road but he keeps moving! What should i do?!"

Farmer: "Well thats nothing to worry about mate, grab the rifle from behind the seat, put a bullet in his head. He'll be easier to move that way!"

Farmhand: "Ok, cheers." - Hangs up

5 minutes later the Farmer gets another call
Farmhand: "Ok i've put him down and dragged him off the road. Now how do i get his motorcycle out of the bullbar?"

[StAndArdAU]

A man with no arms, and no legs is lying on a beach suntanning when a beautiful bikini girl walks up to him.

"You poor man, Have you ever been kissed by a woman?" she asks
"No" he replies. So she kisses him.
"have you ever touched a womans breast?" she asks
"No" he replies. So she gets out her breasts and lets him motorboat them.
"Now, have you ever been F(iretr)ucked by a woman before?"
"No!!" he replies very excitedly
"Ok" The lady picks him up and throws him into the ocean. "Now you're F(iretr)ucked!!"

[RSgerry]

Originally Posted by JACK250

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.

She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"

He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."

"That's not a record is it?"

"It is for a 10 year old."

http://www.sickipedia.org/index.php

That web site is the funniest thing i have ever read. they even have Austrian jokes...

[FlipXW]

I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal, one tin of soup.

I leaned over and said "You're single aren't you?"

"How can you tell" she said in a sarcastic tone,

I said "'cos your ugly as $#!!"

[guitarman]

get in one of these, HSV,

and you'll end up
WALKIN4SHAW


(BE AFRAID OF HSV) - it's the advanced stages of HIV

[pauljh74]

What do you give to someone who has everything?

A cocaine addiction, so in 12 months, they'll have nothing

[itchy brother]

Just found this one on another forum and thought i'd share! :
The WWII Spitfire Pilot

It was just before Memorial Day, and the 6th grade teacher decided it would be good for her class to hear a WWII vet tell about his experiences in the war. After making some contacts she found a WWII flying ace who was excited about talking to her class about WWII. Better yet, he was a German-American who had proudly served in the Battle of Britain fighting against Hitler and the Germans.

After being introduced to the class he sat down and started talking. "In 1940, the situation was really bad," he said. "The German air force was very strong. I remember one day when I was flying my Spitfire, when suddenly out of the clouds these Fokkers appeared."

Several schoolchildren giggled.

He continued, "I looked up and one was right above me. I pulled up, aimed, and shot down that Fokker. Then they swarmed everywhere! Suddenly I realized that there was another Fokker behind me."

By now the students were laughing out loud. Their teacher interrupted. "I think I should explain that 'Fokker' was the name of a German airplane."

"That's true," said the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"

:hihi:

[Russ]

Little Johnny is sitting in the class one day when the teacher asks a question - "Now class, who can tell me the name of the person who discovered Australia back in the year 1770. Johnny's hand is up in a flash, " Oh, oh, oh, oh, Miss, pick me, pick me, I know, I know" he cries. "Ok Johnny but keep it clean and no swearing." she says. "It was Captain Bloody Cook" he yells. " Yes Johnny it was , but why do you always need to use a swear word in every answer you give, whatever happened to that nice little boy who used to bring me in those yummy chocolate coated sultanas to school" she said. " Me fu!#ing rabbit died didn't it" he replied. :

Another quick one

What is the main reason black people were shot at during the war?
Cause every time someone yelled out "GET DOWN" they'd start dancing !! :

[V3RSAC3]

3 men where at home one saturday arvo and were bored sh!tless, so they decided to go out on a helicopter tour over the city, and to make it more interesting thought it would be a good idea to drop something out of the helicopter each mid flight!

So they get to the helicopter and go up over the town, The first guy drops a Brick, a few seconds later the 2nd guy drops a chair, and then the 3rd drops a bomb ...

seeing as it was such a nice day the boys decided too walk home after their flight. They were stroling down a side street and came across a construction worker on the side of the road crying, they approached him and asked him what was wrong, he replied "i dropped this brick, and another brick came out of nowhere and smashed me in the head", the boys looked at each other and walked off ...

Around the corner they see another man crying, so they agian approach him too see whats wrong, he replies " all i did was sit down too rest for a minute on this seat, and out of nowhere another chair lands on me" ... knowing what was going on the boys wished the man luck and walked off ...

down the road more they see another man laughing his *** off, they approach him and ask what is so funny, short of breath he replies with "I farted.. And the house behind me blew up ROFL"

[V3RSAC3]

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "we have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "we had great mathematicians."
The Italian says, "we had the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "we invented sex."
The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "that is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

HA

[FPV 5TH]

Why does a hummingbird hum?

Because it doesnt know the words

[290v]

woman taking to her Mum and said mum my hubby of 20 years is wanting "A" sex all the time when we met my rear end was the size of a 5 cent piece now its more like a 50 cent piece what can i do. Well said mum you live in one of the most beautiful houses on Sydney harbour, you are rich as can be, you have some of the most expencive cars the world has ever built, you fly all over the world seen everthing there is to see and all you can winge to me about is 45 cents

[gtfpv]

WHAT'S THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A BAKER , AND A PILOT ?

most people will think about it then say , i dont know .
then you answer . A BAKER BAKES BREAD AND A PILOT FLIES PLANES .

[gtfpv]

how do the greeks seperate the men from the boys??

ans: with a crow bar.

[alecrain]

Originally Posted by gtfpv

WHAT'S THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A BAKER , AND A PILOT ?

most people will think about it then say , i dont know .
then you answer . A BAKER BAKES BREAD AND A PILOT FLIES PLANES .

On a similar note:

Do you know the difference between a kettle and a toilet?

....no....

Remind me not to invite you to my house, then.

[rodderz]

How do you cancel your appointment a the sperm bank?

Ring them up and tell them you can't cum

[Burnout]

Duties of Wives..

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece, and bragged that he had told his
wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a
couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy. He bragged that he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and
ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just
enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a
handyman.
__________________________________________________ ___________

35 rules of life....

1. Never, under any circ*mstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program .

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing, it enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved it's full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we
ALL believe we are good drivers.
__________________________________________________ _____________

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied. 'I
can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?

'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one,
my mum fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined
the
Navy.'

[JACK250]

Originally Posted by rodderz

How do you cancel your appointment a the sperm bank?

Ring them up and tell them you can't cum

When I saw you name with the last post I thought the thread had been deleted! Good stuff

[richa]

YOU..."i cant come in today"
BOSS..."why not?"
YOU..."got something wrong with my eyes"
BOSS..."nothing serious i hope"
YOU..."nah,just cant see myself turning up today.

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

Duties of Wives..

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece, and bragged that he had told his
wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a
couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy. He bragged that he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and
ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just
enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a
handyman.
__________________________________________________ ___________

35 rules of life....

1. Never, under any circ*mstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program .

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing, it enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved it's full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we
ALL believe we are good drivers.
__________________________________________________ _____________

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. 'It's a period,' he replied. 'I
can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?

'Darned if I know,' he said, 'but this morning my sister was missing one,
my mum fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined
the
Navy.'

Mate, you should be Sir Leon after that!!! THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN IN YEARS!!

Do they put a little something extra in the Bremer?, or is it just the Ipswich air?

....but:Up_to_som .....I've always thought of Ipswich people as being really funny...........( : ).........(funny haha............seriously! )

[guitarman]

(Doctor checks over a Husband) "Mmm, I better go and talk to your Wife privately '...........(Doctor goes into other room where Wife is)

(Doctor to Wife) "Look, he's in a really bad way, BUT with your constant love and full attention, and doing all the chores and errands and being the provider, THERE'S A SLIM CHANCE HE MIGHT MAKE IT!....Now I'lll let you tell him!.......(Wife goes into husband)

(Wife to Husband) "You're going to die!"



(Police Motorcyclist to very aged Driver) "Sir, sorry to pull you up, but do you realise that your wife fell out of the car several kilometres back?"

(very aged Driver....relieved) "Whew, Thanks officer, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[uranium_death]

Kevin Rudd :P

[guitarman]

Quasimodo, busily ringing huge bell on top of tower, is suddenly confronted by a strong gust of wind. Quasimodo loses his footing , gets smacked in the face by the bell, and plummets to the courtyard and lands face-up, dead.
Louis XIV, walking along courtyard with his guards, looks down at the crumpled heap and says: "Does anyone know this man? One guard replies: "I'm not sure, but his face rings a bell!"

(Englishman, Scotchman, and Irishman opening lunches at work)
ENGLISHMAN: "Not baked beans again! if I have baked beans again, I'll commit suicide!" "I've had baked beans every day for 16 years!"
SCOTCHMAN: "Not haggis again!, if I have haggis again, I'll join you!" "I've had haggis every day for 26 years!"
IRISHMAN: "Not potato soup again! if I have this again tomorrow, I'll go with you!" "I've had potato soup every day for 36 years!"
(Next day, sure enough, they all get the same food; So all three go up to the railway bridge and commit suicide)
(At funeral, 3 days later)
ENGLISHMAN'S WIDOW: "If I'd known Edward hated it this much, I wouldn't have kept giving it to him!
SCOTCHMAN'S WIDOW: "If I'd known Jock hated his this much, I'd have never kept giving it to him either!"
IRISHMAN'S WIDOW (really, really distraught): "Poor old Paddy, He always made his own lunch!"

[guitarman]

RE Burnedout's post

Originally Posted by guitarman

Mate, you should be Sir Simon after that!!! THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN IN YEARS!!

Do they put a little something extra in the Bremer?, or is it just the Ipswich air?

....but:Up_to_som .....I've always thought of Ipswich people as being really funny...........( : ).........(funny haha............seriously! )

Sorry, mate, I meant Sir Burnedout, not Sir Troppo. (although our northern terrorist probably deserves an honourable mention too with his horses, bartenders, and fire-lighters).

[Burnout]

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

[Russ]

Two drunks are sitting in the pub when they look out the window and see a dog licking itself on the privates, one drunk turns to other and says (in a drunken sounding voice) " Geeez I wish I could do that " and the other drunk replied (same drunken voice) We'll if I were you I'd give him a pat first !!!


A grizzly bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when the rabbit asks the bear if he could stop for a minute while he went for a crap. The rabbit moves to the side of the track and drops a pile of little dry rabbit droppings. They walk along a bit further and the bear asks the rabbit if he would stop while he went for a crap, when the bear had finished he said to the rabbit " Hey rabbit do you ever have trouble with $h!t sticking to your fur " the rabbit replied no. So the bear picked him up and wiped his ar$e with him. :

[tpintas]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the priests, the prostitutes, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch. Only she would know the answer.
The price would be high, however, as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: she wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified as the witch was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises ... etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature and he refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that no sacrifice was too high compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thusly: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And it was so. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom and Gawain and the witch had a splendid marriage. Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display and made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament:
during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends but, at night in the privacy of his home, a hideous witch? Or vice-a-versa? What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read it until you've made your own choice.
































Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, the witch announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is this: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.

[guitarman]

Paddy & Mick go down to check out newly-renovated Irish pub, and find that it has been adorned with full-length mirrors completely covering every wall.
They order 2 beers and sit over one side of the room.
They are there for about 20 mins, when Paddy says to Mick: " Mate, it's funny, but there's 2 blokes over the other side of the room who look just like us!"
Mick (starting to get up) replies: " I think I'll get up and shout them 2 beers!"
Paddy (stopping Mick) replies: "No, don't worry mate, looks like one of them is getting up to shout us!"

[Russ]

Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."



What's worse than having termites in your piano?

Crabs on your organ.


When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."