What jokes do you know?

[birdman941]

Owned is right!
Brilliant!

[Charliewool]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when a American tourist , chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing the Australian replied "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course."

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

[RG]

Thanks for that, you managed to make me laugh even though I'm having a shocker of a day.

[DDXR6T]

Two elephants tied to a pane of glass walk off a cliff ... Boom Boom Tish.

[Burnout]

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo




I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fo*kin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fo*kin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fo*kin clock!'

[Loonar]

Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 100kms per hour with her face up to the mirror puting on her eyeliner!!!! Shocked, i looked away for a couple of secs and when i looked back she was still putting on the makeup but drifting halfway into my lane!! It scared me so much(and this c oming from a bloke....) that i dropped my battery shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked the mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM and THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!! Women Drivers eh!!!!!!!

[DBourne]

enjoy the holiday

[bjr22n_]

(I think i am going to get banned for this one...)

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties before I get on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem for?' the other two asked

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flor-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear them?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the sea, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties...'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first.......'

[RG]

Originally Posted by bjr22n_

(I think i am going to get banned for this one...)

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties before I get on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem for?' the other two asked

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cornfield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flor-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear them?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis here plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the sea, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties...'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first.......'

I should delete it....but it's too funny!

[deesun]

Originally Posted by Russell

I should delete it....but it's too funny!

[ten[A]cio[U]s]

Hahaha benny...! I think you told me that one before? Just as funny to read as it was when you told me.

[uranium_death]

Why did the student leave the classroom carrying a chair?

The teacher told him to "take a seat".

:sm_headba : :

[bjr22n_]

A vicor booked a hotel room and when the vicor was checking in he said to the receptionist... 'I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled'

the receptionist replied... 'No, its just ordinary porn... you sick b@st@rd'

[Charliewool]

Investments



If you purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49.00 left.

With Enron, you would have had $16.00 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling
REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash. You would greatly aid the glass recycling industry with those wine bottles too.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

[uranium_death]

Originally Posted by charliewool

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

I'll drink to that! :

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by charliewool

Investments
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

Is that where XXXX comes from ?

[BENT_8]

I was down at the ATM this morning where i noticed an elderly woman standing in front of the machine in a distressed state.
I asked her if she needed any help and she told me she had left her reading glasses at home and couldn't see the numbers on the key pad.

I offered to push the buttons for her if she could trust me and she agreed.

After entering her PIN, i asked her which service she required, she said she wanted to check her balance.

I gave her a slight shove and she fell over...So i told her that her balance was no good......

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by charliewool

Investments



If you purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you
would have $49.00 left.

With Enron, you would have had $16.00 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling
REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash. You would greatly aid the glass recycling industry with those wine bottles too.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

actually double that now for the return! the deposit is now 10c per bottle/can even on the oldies with 5c on them (not that ive actually seen one with 10c yet)

[birdman941]

Q: Is there a word in the English language which contains every vowel?

Answer: Unquestionably.

[Burnout]

There was this fellow who worked for Australia Post whose job it was to
process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to
his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy,
better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a
very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars
in it which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday
is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that
money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you
are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the
others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By
the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into
an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a
warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old
lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift."

"By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those
thieving pr*cks at Australia Post."

+++++++++++++++++++++

THE BACON TREE

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No
other people had been seen for days.

Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up
to him and said, "We're lost. Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down
other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they might
be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know those Jewish folk - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians
attack and massacre everyone except the leader. He manages to escape back to
the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We
followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of
Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He gets out an
English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.

"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a
ham bush!"

[nuthin' fancy]

Originally Posted by myts

Two baby seals walked into a club......

What drink will a harp seal never order?
Canadian Club on the rocks

[nuthin' fancy]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Q: Is there a word in the English language which contains every vowel?

Answer: Unquestionably.

Abstemious contains each vowel once and in correct alphbetical order! It means to drink in moderation (which I dont really understand).

[birdman941]

Originally Posted by nuthin' fancy

Abstemious contains each vowel once and in correct alphbetical order! It means to drink in moderation (which I dont really understand).

Except the letter "y".

[FGII-XR6]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Except the letter "y".

since when was Y a vowel ???

[LOCO XP]

since black became a primary colour.... did you miss that class?

[Burnout]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She
notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and
kisses him lightly on the lips........

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[birdman941]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

since when was Y a vowel ???

When it is used as part of an adverb, such as "unquestionably"
When used in a word such as "yes", it is not.
A E I O U and sometimes Y

[irlewy86]

Why haven't New Zealand gone to the moon yet?

Not enuff scaffy tube bro!

[snakeoil]

Three young Indian braves smoking the pipe around the fire
First brave asks "how did you get you name full moon?
Full moon says "my father make love to my mother and after goes outside Teepee looks up and sees full moon"
First brave asks "how did you get your name great white buffalo"
Great white buffalo says " my father make love to my mother and after goes outside Teepee and sees great white buffalo in the snow'
First brave asks

So how did you get your name two dogs rooting?

[snakeoil]

How do you make a Sausage Roll

push it