What jokes do you know?

[snakeoil]

Did you hear about the ebony skinned person with diaorreahoa?????

Thought he was melting

[FGII-XR6]

Originally Posted by birdman941

When it is used as part of an adverb, such as "unquestionably"
When used in a word such as "yes", it is not.
A E I O U and sometimes Y

where did you learn english there are 5 vowels and only 5 A E I O U Y never was and never will be a vowel people sometimes pervert the english language but this is a rule of the language that is not open to change 5 vowels thats all

[Burnout]

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vicegrips, then beat repeatedly with a hammer
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in Hell, matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Try lots of heat, a tin of WD40 (catering size), or a ten
pound hammer.

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez! What was that, it nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out that pesky bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot
be defined as 'lightly'.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it ain't broke... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this, so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But VW's are easy to maintain right, right? So you think three
spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you amateur!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Adjust gap to specified distance.
Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and
you won't find it!

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs ...
Translation: Snap off ...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift ...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: The bearing inner races can be released by applying light leverage.
Translation: There is absolutely no way those inner races will budge without
the application of a puller (which you haven't got) and a lot of swearing.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read
the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book
that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these
two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in, "Mine will never
look like that..."

Flick to the end and look at the colour plug pictures, how do these compare
to the plugs in your VW? If you cannot locate the plugs in your VW see the
last translation on the list!

Haynes Manuals are (C)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

[Laminge]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

where did you learn english there are 5 vowels and only 5 A E I O U Y never was and never will be a vowel people sometimes pervert the english language but this is a rule of the language that is not open to change 5 vowels thats all

They found it on google so it must be true!

People avoiding the swear filter will have a lot more time searching google shortly!

[Charliewool]

Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers,
40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ar se is for.

[icejagans]

Is Sex Good For You?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special runners!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

[Burnout]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you
will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex
watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business . you gonna have
a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a
bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with
another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to you watch and say
"Times up"?"

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by icejagans

Is Sex Good For You?
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than valium.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

In hospital, they wake you up to give you a sleeping tablet, so does that mean we no longer have to ask "Are you awake" ?

Hayfever could be a very dangerous thing.....

[Bossxr8]

Jesus walks into a motel, places 3 nails on the desk, then asks "could you please put me up for the night".

[snakeoil]

Y is never a vowel just a consonant that can be a bit vowely

A bit like an Elvis impersonator

Looks like Elvis

Sound’s like Elvis

But isn’t actually Elvis……………he died,sadly

[birdman941]

http://www.askoxford.com/asktheexper...tother/lettery

"Yes, the letter Y is a vowel or a consonant!
In terms of sound, a vowel is 'a speech sound
which is produced by comparatively open configuration of the vocal tract,
with vibration of the vocal cords but without audible friction...',
while a consonant is 'a basic speech sound in which the breath
is at least partly obstructed'
(definitions from the New Oxford Dictionary of English, 1998).
The letter Y can be used to represent different sounds in different words,
and can therefore fit either definition.
In myth or hymn it is clearly a vowel,
and also in words such as my, where it stands for a diphthong
(a combination of two vowel sounds).
On the other hand, in a word like beyond there is an obstacle to the breath
which can be heard between two vowels,
and the same sound begins words like young and yes.
(This consonant sound, like that of the letter W,
is sometimes called a 'semivowel' because it is made in a similar way
to a vowel, but functions in contrast to vowels when used in words.)
Whether the letter Y is a vowel or a consonant is therefore rather an arbitrary decision.
The letter is probably more often used as a vowel,
but in this role is often interchangeable with the letter I.
However, the consonant sound is not consistently represented
in English spelling by any other letter,
and perhaps for this reason Y tends traditionally to be counted among the consonants."

Can we get back to the jokes now?
Unquestionably.
A E I O U and somtimes Y

[xy351]

what do you do when your wife walks into the lougeroom?


shorten the chain.

[pauljh74]

The only cow in a small Cheshire town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the county line in Staffordshire for £200. They bought the cow from Staffordshire and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Staffordshire?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Staffordshire?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Staffordshire."
****************************************

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night whilst on stage, dummy on knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologise, when the blonde yells, "you stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
**********************************************

How many people with O.C.D does it take to change a lightbulb?
One; Me. Everybody else does it completely the wrong way, fails to give it 3.2 twists and leaves the empty box in the wrong pile.
**********************************************

I don't see the fuss people are bringing up about gay men adopting children.
Lets face it, they already know where all the best parks are.
**********************************************

[Burnout]

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY GET AWAY WITH SAYING AT CHRISTMAS

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

[Burnout]

A man goes into his son's room to wish him good night. His son is having a
nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK. The son
replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The
father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The
next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him good
night. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that his granddaddy had died.
The father assures the son that the granddaddy is fine and sends him to
bed. The next day, the granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that his daddy had died.
The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man
goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure he is going to
die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work, fearful of a
collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.
He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at
every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his
wife."Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my
entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the
doorstep this morning.

[FordFan86]

Two Jews walk into a bar....


Wait, can't finish that one here.

[V3RSAC3]

Originally Posted by FordFan86

Two Jews walk into a bar....


Wait, can't finish that one here.

Is that the punchline? :( lol ...

PM it too me haha

[pauljh74]

A man walked into a florist’s and said, ''I’d like some flowers, please.''
''Certainly, sir. What did you have in mind?''
''I’m not sure.''
''Perhaps I could help,'' suggested the florist. ''What exactly have you done?''
********************************************

A young medical student approaches an elderly patient with a syringe in his hand.
''Nothing to worry about,'' says the student, noticing the concerned look on the old man's face, ''just a little p rick with a needle.''
''Yes, I know you are,'' says the old man, ''But what are you gonna do with it?''
********************************************

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,'the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim.

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.''Why not?'he thought.

He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the
machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.

He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
*********************************************

What do you get if you cross an LSD tablet with a contraceptive pill?
A trip without the kids.
*********************************************

My daughter said she wanted to get loads of piercings, so to save on money I made her bath the cat.
*********************************************

It's not well known but Adolf Hitler wrote a book called "The Good Golf Guide".

The most popular chapter is "How to get out of a bunker with one shot"
*********************************************

I wouldnt say my missus is a bad cook, but she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
*********************************************

Sat in the front room the other night and the missus said to me, "I fancy going to the Bingo tonight, will you look up the phone number on-line?"

I giggled as I gave her the number for the local sex shop...

...never in my wildest dreams did I imagine she'd ring up and say, "hello, can you tell me what time tonight's session starts and how much it costs please?"

She hasn't spoken to me since.
*********************************************

Why do women live longer than men?

God adds on the time they waste parking.
*********************************************

[Burnout]

AN ENGLISHMAN'S DIARY OF HIS FIRST BRISBANE SUMMER

August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Brisbane!! Now this is a
city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting
used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.) I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By
the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I
told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat
dung. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot
as hell. The home air conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house
and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.

November 8th:
If another wise- cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my was on fire. I lost 2 layers
of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my . Now my car
smells like burnt hair, fried , and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2
damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so
my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool.
Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my out of jail
for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Brisbane . What kind of a sick demented
idiot would want to live here?

[uranium_death]

Melbourne Victory
25 October 2008

[XR6-VCT-2000]

Top Ten Ways to tell if you are turning Taliban ! .....

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher but you can’t afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon ‘unclean.’

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

[Burnout]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25
years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He
can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is damn
near perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball, Herman?"
"Of course I did!" says Herman
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember."

[V3RSAC3]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked,

'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.



The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.



'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a

person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'



The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,

faced the congregation,

and said:







“I outlived the b-ches.”'

[pauljh74]

People have criticised Sarah Palin's image of an 'ordinary woman', after she spent $150,000 on clothes and shoes.

Those people have obviously never had a girlfriend.
*************************************

I love it when the special coach goes past - it's the only time women look at me and drool.
*************************************

25 Recommended Courses for Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
*************************************

[jcat58]

hi.would like to invite you all to this years annual Premature Ejaculation Societys Dinner.No dress code ,just come in your pants

[Burnout]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft.
Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

[AndrewR_AUII]

And the Schizophrenia society is offering groups discounts for their dinner.

[Silversurfer]

Originally Posted by myts

Two baby seals walked into a club......

sic puppy dog you are :

[birdman941]

Originally Posted by AndrewR_AUII

And the Schizophrenia society is offering groups discounts for their dinner.

That's crazy........... wait, no it isn't.

[vztrt]

While walking down the street one day a 'Member of Parliament' is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..


Today you voted.'