What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

See page 23, #559.

Cheers.

[FGII-XR6]

The Life of a Man

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you
a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For
this,
I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

[FGII-XR6]

Breaking news from Apple

Announcement from Apple Computers

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[FGII-XR6]

Quote of the Week:


"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me."

[FGII-XR6]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little s*$&, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[FGII-XR6]

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Apricot is also a fruit. We have no idea what a mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football, cricket, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
And that's the way it really is!!!

[pauljh74]

Police are warning people to be on the lookout for Muslim suicide bombers over christmas, who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new 'Alphabet Bomb'.

If one of them buggers goes off,it could spell disaster.
********************************************

Yeah, 69's are alright. Personally I prefer a 68...

.. You do me, I'll owe you one.
********************************************

I was surprised to find that Muslims have a sense of humour!
I walked into a Mosque singing Rihanna's Umbrella, to hear a chorus of "Allah, Allah, Allah..."
********************************************

I don't get these people who say:

"I'm not racist...I don't care if you're black, white, yellow or purple"

Purple? WTF? If you're seeing purple people you need to stop worrying about racism and tackle your drug problem.
********************************************

2 gays, one dies.
When about to be cremated, the widowed gay asks the priest if his partner could be cremated into a curry
“Why?” asks the priest
“Because I’d just like to feel him dribbling out my bum one last time”
********************************************

A woman has a close male friend.
This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend.
This always starts out with, "you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way".
This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, "You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."
********************************************

I took my 6 year old son to the zoo last week. We were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden he yells, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said,

... and so it did,
A F R I C A N Elephant.
*********************************************

Obama's is already planning ahead for when he takes office in January.

His first act will be to change the US national anthem to the theme from Shaft.
*********************************************

To all those people who believe we should "Make love, not war";

I think that Osama Bin Laden's nineteen children prove the two are not mutually exclusive.
*********************************************

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."
*********************************************

[FGII-XR6]

'fessing up.
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival
weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises
the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the
woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl
into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes,
followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark
silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly
between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with
camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods,
screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with
the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and
blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred
remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim;
well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling
Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by
the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango
Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an
eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer,
"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours
ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning,
the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the
handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*?s!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright,
alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!"

[Hillbilly F Truck]

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.
The cop asks for his licence and registration but instead of handing them over, the guy says: "What for?"
The cop says "you didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign".
"I slowed down and no-one was coming," said the guy.
"You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please".
So the guy asks: "Oh come on, whats the difference?"
At this, the cop pulls out his nightstick, starts beating the guy and asks: "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"

[Charliewool]

BLACK TESTICLES


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your
upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank
you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......





A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ........... ?

[Burnout]

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else
a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's
rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are
encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//

Then simply enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the
desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time
and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap.

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in
your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken
variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their
chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in
Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Vista. However, that
version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in
advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

[Hillbilly F Truck]

Thes were sent via e-mail. I think they are supposed to be true.
GOOD, BETTER, BEST

GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car

[birdman941]

Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?
It's all over town.

I wanted to go shoot some pool,
but the lifeguard said no firearms allowed.

If I were going overseas to buy footwear,
I'd go to Holland.
Wooden Shoe?

[pauljh74]

I was coming back from shopping with the wife when we saw a traffic warden writing out a ticket,
"Oh for FFS" i shouted "we've only been 15 minutes"
"Sorry sir....just doing my job" he replied
"You mongrel....you love your bloody job don't you" i said
With that, he grabbed his book and started scribbling away,
"Your in big trouble now " he said with a bright red face,
"Oh yeah....what are you gonna do now you stupid .....give me 2 tickets?" I said as we walked away.

My wife was ****ing herself laughing as our car was parked in the next street.
***********************************************

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal
Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced
today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be
referred to as 'English Weather.'

Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population,it will now be
referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'

In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

[Burnout]

A one-eyed Blues fan goes into Carlton Social Club to drown his sorrows.

"A pot of Carlton thanks," he says.

"Sorry, mate," replies the barman, "but you can have a VB."

Fan: "Nah, pot of Kilkenny thanks."

Barman: "Sorry, how about a Melbourne?"

Fan: "Well, what about a pot of Guinness?"

Barman: "Sorry, mate."

Fan: "How come I can't get a Carlton or a Kilkenny or a Guinness, yet I can
get a VB or a Melbourne?"

Barman: "We've got no draught choices, but you can still get bitter."

[FGII-XR6]

Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, “White Wings, isn't it?”

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[FGII-XR6]

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer
it will go to Taiwan,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help
the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes
and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.

Thank you for your help.

Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan .
(Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

[FGII-XR6]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release
stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

[FGII-XR6]

Monkey business

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing
that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started
catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy
at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he
had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his
behalf.

In the man's absence, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these
monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to
you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to
him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

[FGII-XR6]

What are the three most useless things in the world?
The first two are the Pope's testicles.
The third ... a Falcon hand brake!

[vztrt]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.

Hmm sounds like a few BA's??

[Hillbilly F Truck]

Husband store
A storesells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On floor one the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - Thes men have Jobs and Love Kids

'That's nice,' she thinks 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes up to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Gorgious, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31, 456, 012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third , fourth, fith and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Burnout]

Two old drunks were drinking up at a bar.

The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[snappy]

Why we should not flirt!!!!!!!!!!


A couple were invited to a s****y family masked fancy dress
Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take
some aspirin and go to bed and there
was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went..

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour,
woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to
the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,
she thought she would have some fun by watching her
husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor,
dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little
feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.


After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading
when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never
have a good time when you're
not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,


'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he
had the time of his life.

[MNM96]

Absolute Classic Snappy!

[mik]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said,
'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because
she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

[Velociraptor82]

A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."

[pauljh74]

Somalian pirates steal a ship full of well sought out oil. Two days later, oil is being sold at three year low. And they wonder why they live in poverty - their business skills are bloody awful.
********************************************

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.

********************************************

Australia Post has just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of Collingwood players on them and people couldn't work out which side to spit on.
********************************************

If you added up every ticket bought for a football match which took place on a Saturday in the last 10 years and then worked out the gender of each ticket owner, you would probably find that...you're autistic.
********************************************

An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.

"What about my sex life?" asked the old man "Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"

"Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."
********************************************

I knew this guy right and he had been feeling sick for quite sometime now
I had been telling him to go see a doctor and because his situation was getting so bad he decided to go see a doctor so off we went.

He went into the doctors room sat down and was told that he had some sort of rare intestinal virus. He was subscribed with suppositries and told to take two a day. The doctor said he would give him the first one.

Once we got back to his house I had a few beers and left then it was time for his next one so he asked his wife if she could do it. So she put her hand on his shoulder and thrusted the supositry into his ***.

He screamed and his wife said "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

He said "No - I just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!"

[Bossxr8]

What do Tasmanians and cocaine have in common? They both cousins.














Ben Cousins for the people who don't get it.

[Burnout]

Two gaymen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has aMASSIVE erection.The gay men are fascinated by this, wherebyone of the men, whojust can't bear it any longer, reaches into the cage to touch it.Immediately, the gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.When the gorilla has finished its rodgering, it throws the man out of the cage.An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'
'AM I HURT?' he shouts, ...............................................'Wo uldn't you be?.......................................... He hasn't called....he hasn't written....'