What jokes do you know? - Page 29

**Burnout** · 01-02-2009, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Torxteer

Why hasnt a women ever been on the moon?

It doesnt need cleaning!

YOU are dead! ...... It might even be me that tells on you!

FPVF6X189 · 01-02-2009, 06:17 PM

little johnny is sitting in class one day when the teacher ask the class to make a sentence using the word contagious so little johnny steps up and ask if he can have a shot the teacher knowing what little johnny is normally like refuses but after little johnny promises it wont be dirty she lets him, so little johnny comes to the front of the class and starts his sentence,Yesterday me and my dad were out the front when the neighbour was painting his fence and dad looked at me and said "I think he should of bought a bigger brush with the little one he's got it'll take the contagious"

**Burnout** · 02-02-2009, 09:42 PM

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So,
he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The
other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll
service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be
worth it. So he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down
in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens
to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a
good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a
chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house
and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or
FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house
and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pig-pen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on
every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his
expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy
dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such an expensive, colourful animal ,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy slowly opens one eye, nods towards the sky and whispers, "Shhh ... they're getting closer ..."

**Burnout** · 04-02-2009, 09:05 PM

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other Nun whispers, "I know, it's the cobblestones."

**Burnout** · 05-02-2009, 07:59 AM

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

**ebxr8240** · 05-02-2009, 10:10 AM

VERY IMPORTANT FACTS from your Financial Adviser!!
>
> cid:000b01c8caf4$322ead90$3301a8c0@theressa
>
> Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
> family business.
> When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
> died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
> One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman
> he
> had ever seen.
> Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary
> man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and
> I'll
> inherit $200 million."
> Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she
> became his stepmother.
> Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Fev · 05-02-2009, 10:21 AM

Evil woman!

hehe thats great

XR6_661 · 05-02-2009, 02:17 PM

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern
Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be
cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

FGII-XR6 · 05-02-2009, 02:24 PM

Important Government Announcement

Due To Recent Budget Cuts, The Rising Cost Of Electricity,

Fuel, Oil, Food, Sex, Wine & Beer The Light At The End Of The

Tunnel Has Been Turned Off Until Further Notice.

FGII-XR6 · 05-02-2009, 02:34 PM

Boy On A Bus

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his
collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of
your collar.'

mickyyyy · 05-02-2009, 03:05 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is gold

Women are so evil

**ebxr8240** · 05-02-2009, 03:17 PM

Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.'
She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.'
She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.' Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
'I'm in sales.' she said.
He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?'
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, 'I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)'.
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'.
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one hole behind you.'

uranium_death · 05-02-2009, 03:18 PM

Read this one AGES ago via email...it does the rounds...

**ebxr8240** · 05-02-2009, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mickyyyy

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is gold

Women are so evil

I dear ya to say that to Mrs or Mrs inlaw Lol..

XR8GRL · 05-02-2009, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mickyyyy

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That is gold

Women are so evil

Or is it that guys are so dumb :P

smacxr8 · 05-02-2009, 04:44 PM

God appears to a man and says..."youll have to quite the fags, drink and shagging if you want to go to heaven". A week later God re-appears and asks him how he is going...?
He says the fags and drink were easy, but when my wife bent over to take meat out of the freezer, I had to give her one there and then... God says..."they dont like that sort of thing in heaven" Man replies, they dont like it in f*#*in Coles either!

**Burnout** · 05-02-2009, 06:49 PM

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene
and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor
who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and
thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told
the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe
adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new
shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe's feet
and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new
hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . "

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . size
36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of our spine and give you one hell of
a headache."

**Burnout** · 07-02-2009, 08:59 AM

My 80 year old neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it
to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to
tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go
to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears
once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her. "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not
using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your
legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it
on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The
druggist says:
"Stay off your bicycle for a week."

**Burnout** · 07-02-2009, 09:41 PM

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several
applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to
apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. 'You have no arms!'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe!'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody
on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had
finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to
strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the
belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed
to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments
before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

(scroll down)

'BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'....

WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart
due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop
continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of
the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry
yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in
this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,
clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy,
rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened? Who is the man?' the
first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop,

but.............'

(.....Wait for it.......)

(.......It's worth it.......)

HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

**Charliewool** · 07-02-2009, 09:52 PM

That must be a thousand bloody years old Burnedout... Honestly!......
Points for trying though... most of yours are great.

**Burnout** · 08-02-2009, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by charliewool

That must be a thousand bloody years old Burnedout...

Just like me!

See if you like this one, then............................

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

toxicxr6uterus · 08-02-2009, 01:24 PM

this was a cracker of a text message i got once..

"Your profile on our dating site has been online for 15 years now with no interest and no response to any of your emails!"

"Would you like to try with out your display picture for 1 week?"

toxicxr6uterus · 08-02-2009, 01:28 PM

Did you hear the one about the BLONDE nymphomaniac? She smashed her teeth trying to give a B.J to her vibrator

Green X · 10-02-2009, 01:48 AM

A man walked into a bar with a emu and a cat.

They get up to the bar and order 3 beers, the man turns to the cat and says your shout! The cat get's up and storms off.

Barman turns to the man and says whats with the cat?

The man replies... Well i found a genie and i wished for a Bird with long legs and a tight Pussy

Oh Come on that's Funny!

burnz · 10-02-2009, 07:07 AM

Once a MARINE always a MARINE On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said;

" Mission Accomplished."

**Burnout** · 10-02-2009, 08:43 PM

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options. One was an alcoholic; one was a chain smoker, and one was a
homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in
your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again
indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the railway station for their
return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the
loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His friends
accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner
had he replaced the glass on the bar, he fell off his stool stone
cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar realizing how
seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they
came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The
homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "You know if you bend over
to pick that up, we're both dead."

NGN 351 · 10-02-2009, 08:54 PM

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

**Burnout** · 11-02-2009, 07:41 AM

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By It's Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My E yes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

jphanna · 11-02-2009, 03:28 PM

A man was driving a truck along a narrow windy road, and a man in a car was following closely behind. He noticed that every few kms the truck driver was stopping (blocking the narrow double lined road) and banging the side of truck with a stick, then would continue on. he would repeatedly do this every few kms or so and bang side of truck with a stick. Eventually the car driver asked the truck driver why he was stopping and banging the truck all the time, and the response was,

‘I only got a 1 tonne truck but I have 2 tonnes of birds inside. I need to keep them flying’

Fev · 11-02-2009, 03:59 PM

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT **G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"

The Teacher fainted.