What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

The Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the road with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and
his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks
'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home
with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...
So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... So I
did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to
town cowboy.. '

And here I am."

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

[Burnout]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and
I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the
teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &
Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same
thing, "Hey, this tastes like !" Then I would say, "It is . Wanna
buy a toothbrush?"

[LowEL2XR8]

How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Lets go ride our bikes.

[Russ]

Originally Posted by Russell

That supposed to be funny is it?

There's one in every family
:

[mattkeane88]

Once upon a time there lived a Grandfather and Grandmother,
and with them was their little grandaughter Masha.

Masha wanted to go into the forest to gather mushrooms.
"Go little grandaughter, only don't get lost!" they said.
Masha walked and walked about the forest and got lost.
Suddenly she saw it, an izba! (a little wooden house)
The little girl went into the izba, but no one was there.
"Who lives here?" "Where is the owner?" she called.
But in that izba lived a big bear!!

In the evening he returned home, saw Masha and was so happy!
"You will live with me now."
"You will stoke my stove,"
"You will make my porridge,"
"You will feed me porridge,"
"I will never let you go!"

Masha began living in the bear's izba.
In the morning the bear went to gather food in the forest.
"You don't go anywhere!"he said.
"And if you run away, I will catch you, and eat you up!"

Masha began to think, how could she get away from the bear?
The forest was all around, and she didn't know the way home.
Masha thought and thought and thought some more.

She baked some pies and put them in a great big basket.
"Bear, please let me have a day off so I can go into the village." she said.
"I want to take these pies to Grandmother and Grandfather."
"No, I will take the pies myself" said the bear.
"On the way, don't open the basket," warned Masha.
"Don't eat the pies,"
"I will be in a tall tree in the forest,"
"I will see everything you do!"
"alright." answered the bear.

Masha laid the pies in the basket.
"Go outside to look to see if it's raining." she told him.
The bear went outside, and Masha climbed into the basket.
She put the big plate with the pies on her head.
The bear came back in, picked up the basket and went to the village

[Russ]

Originally Posted by mattkeane88

Once upon a time there lived a Grandfather and Grandmother,
and with them was their little grandaughter Masha.

Masha wanted to go into the forest to gather mushrooms.
"Go little grandaughter, only don't get lost!" they said.
Masha walked and walked about the forest and got lost.
Suddenly she saw it, an izba! (a little wooden house)
The little girl went into the izba, but no one was there.
"Who lives here?" "Where is the owner?" she called.
But in that izba lived a big bear!!

In the evening he returned home, saw Masha and was so happy!
"You will live with me now."
"You will stoke my stove,"
"You will make my porridge,"
"You will feed me porridge,"
"I will never let you go!"

Masha began living in the bear's izba.
In the morning the bear went to gather food in the forest.
"You don't go anywhere!"he said.
"And if you run away, I will catch you, and eat you up!"

Masha began to think, how could she get away from the bear?
The forest was all around, and she didn't know the way home.
Masha thought and thought and thought some more.

She baked some pies and put them in a great big basket.
"Bear, please let me have a day off so I can go into the village." she said.
"I want to take these pies to Grandmother and Grandfather."
"No, I will take the pies myself" said the bear.
"On the way, don't open the basket," warned Masha.
"Don't eat the pies,"
"I will be in a tall tree in the forest,"
"I will see everything you do!"
"alright." answered the bear.

Masha laid the pies in the basket.
"Go outside to look to see if it's raining." she told him.
The bear went outside, and Masha climbed into the basket.
She put the big plate with the pies on her head.
The bear came back in, picked up the basket and went to the village

And ?????

[guitarman]

(SALESMAN knocks at door - door opens to reveal a 12 year old boy, lit cigar in one hand, scotch in the other)

SALESMAN: "Hi kid, are your parents home?"

12 YEAR OLD: "Well, what do you reckon?"



(Vacuum-cleaner salesman, desperate to sell a vacuum, buys a large bag of horse manure and sets off to a new estate - knocks on 1st door, and when it opens, empties the whole bag of horse manure, past the woman, and up the hallway)

SALESMAN: "Lady, I'm so confident, if this vacuum doesn't pick up all this manure, I'LL EAT IT!"

LADY: "Well, do you want a spoon or a fork, THE POWER'S NOT ON YET!"

[Laminge]

Keep the jokes clean or the thread will be deleted.

[smithd]

Originally Posted by Russell

That supposed to be funny is it?

Everyone i know seems to think it is.

[mattkeane88]

Originally Posted by Russ

And ?????

lol

[Laminge]

Originally Posted by smithd

Everyone i know seems to think it is.

Funny and in poor taste for those suffering with cancer.

leave it at that

[tpintas]

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

[blueline]

what's the difference between a lada niva and a jehovah's witness?

you can shut the door on a jehovah's witness

why do ladas have heated rear windows?

so the people pushing them have some comfort

what's the difference between a lada and a golf ball?

you can drive a golf ball 200 metres and it will make it.

a man buys a lada and after a day returns it to the dealership. the salesman asks why he doesn't want the car, the man replies 'see that hill over there, I can only make it to 75 getting up there'. The salesman says 'that's good though', to which the man says 'that's all well and good, but i live at number 95.'

[Joey_Falcon]

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith .

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith .

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, Uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs Smith fainted!!

[V3RSAC3]

Originally Posted by mattkeane88

lol

i don't get it?

[mattkeane88]

Originally Posted by V3RSAC3

i don't get it?

yes no1 does but I enjoy the fact that you have just spent 5 mins reading it lol... : sorry

[ltd]

Originally Posted by mattkeane88

Once upon a time there lived a Grandfather and Grandmother,
and with them was their little grandaughter Masha.

Masha wanted to go into the forest to gather mushrooms.
"Go little grandaughter, only don't get lost!" they said.
Masha walked and walked about the forest and got lost.
Suddenly she saw it, an izba! (a little wooden house)
The little girl went into the izba, but no one was there.
"Who lives here?" "Where is the owner?" she called.
But in that izba lived a big bear!!

In the evening he returned home, saw Masha and was so happy!
"You will live with me now."
"You will stoke my stove,"
"You will make my porridge,"
"You will feed me porridge,"
"I will never let you go!"

Masha began living in the bear's izba.
In the morning the bear went to gather food in the forest.
"You don't go anywhere!"he said.
"And if you run away, I will catch you, and eat you up!"

Masha began to think, how could she get away from the bear?
The forest was all around, and she didn't know the way home.
Masha thought and thought and thought some more.

She baked some pies and put them in a great big basket.
"Bear, please let me have a day off so I can go into the village." she said.
"I want to take these pies to Grandmother and Grandfather."
"No, I will take the pies myself" said the bear.
"On the way, don't open the basket," warned Masha.
"Don't eat the pies,"
"I will be in a tall tree in the forest,"
"I will see everything you do!"
"alright." answered the bear.

Masha laid the pies in the basket.
"Go outside to look to see if it's raining." she told him.
The bear went outside, and Masha climbed into the basket.
She put the big plate with the pies on her head.
The bear came back in, picked up the basket and went to the village

Wow, I guess there's only one reply to this.

[V3RSAC3]

Originally Posted by mattkeane88

yes no1 does but I enjoy the fact that you have just spent 5 mins reading it lol... : sorry

LOL, ya stooge :

[RG]

Originally Posted by mattkeane88

yes no1 does but I enjoy the fact that you have just spent 5 mins reading it lol... : sorry

And now it IS funny lol.

[Russ]

Originally Posted by Russ

There's one in every family
:

I rest my case !!!!

[mattkeane88]

Originally Posted by Russell

And now it IS funny lol.

exactly ;) lol

[DeansXR8]

My favourite joke at the moment, everybody laughs, more so kids, but that still counts.

What's brown and sticky??






A stick.

sorry.

[stera]

Im a Dr. and I once had a patient come in with five penises!

I ask, how do your pants fit?

He replied, like a glove!!

[troppo]

I know a few people I suspect have multiple penii....ya can't get that silly playing with just one.

The stick joke is a timeless classic, along with:
What's yellow and smells like bananas?
Monkey vomit.

I stuck up for you the other day...they said you weren't fit to live with pigs, but I said you were.

They call him "tropical cyclone"....because he's a slow-moving depression.

A hat and a pair of jumper leads go into a bar. The hat goes to order some drinks but is refused service.
"Why won't you serve me?" asked the hat.
The barman replied "because you're off your head and your mate looks ready to start something"

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[pauljh74]

Benazir Bhutto stood up for human rights. She stood up to oppression. She stood up to dictatorship.
But I bet she wished she never stood up to wave.
*******************
Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

**************

Barclays are apparently "Fluent in Finance."

Well, that's fantastic. It's just a shame none of the Indians that answer their phones are fluent in English.
************

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...
*******************

Girls:

If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...

He's just not very good at predictive text.

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by troppo

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

OK.....how?......................I'm still waiting, mate!

[guitarman]

http://www.fordforums.com.au/attachm...chmentid=43967

Doesn't this guy own a pink HIV Holden?



It has a sticker on it: "Never leave your mates behind"

[Laminge]

I asked for the jokes to be kept clean, 2 decided against that advice and are now enjoying a ban

[tpintas]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Steve and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Steve came to John and said "ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
John said "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure". So he sat down and wrote,
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Steve and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Steve, but the fact remains that if he were sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle. ‘Bye now. Love Mom.

[AC]

Why did the Irishman fail his drivers license test ?



He opened the door to let the clutch out :P