What jokes do you know?

[05_ENFORCER]

Read to the end.


I've got two dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road
licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid woman.................why else would I buy dog food??

[JetBlack351]

wife and husband are in their room husbands standing naked admiring himself in the mirror he looks over at his wife and says 95kilo of pure dynamite baby. wife says back yeah dam shame about the 4 inch fuse

[RSgerry]

Driving an electric car is much like giving yourself a handjob.

It may feel the same, but you're still a w@#ker

[xls3v]

what does a hindo do

lay eggs bro

[Velociraptor82]

Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever!

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

[Hords]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[Burnout]

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really
bad day.

Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out.

Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking
towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate
school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school.

He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later, his inflatable mum
is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police.

Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.

Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees
the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him.

Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster
gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all,
you've let yourself down!!!!

[itchy brother]

A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day

when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,

'Pick me up..'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

[Burnout]

Definitions of Heaven and Hell.

Heaven; the police are British, the chefs are French, the mechanics are
German, your lover is Italian and it's all organized by the
Swiss.

Hell; the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are
French, your lover is Swiss and it's all organized by the
Italians.

[Burnout]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
winkie.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

[pauljh74]

A Priest and an Islamic Preacher are talking one day when an eight-year-old Muslim girl walks by.
"Wow!" says the Priest. "I'd like to get myself a piece of that."
"May Allah take mercy on you," says the Islamic Preacher, "for your sins are many."
The Priest looks embarrassed and stutters an apology
The Islamic Preacher continues, "Surely even your infidel religion is against sex with another mans wife."
**********************************************

To help the ' Bush Fire Victims ', a number of Australian singers have joined forces for a charity record.
' Fry me kangaroo brown sport ', goes out on sale Monday !
**********************************************

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bloody fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago, you stupid cow!"

[Burnout]

Two men are driving along the Western Ring Road through Sunshine when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his Maglight. The driver rolls down the window and - WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the torch.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.

"You're in Brimbank, mate" the pig answers. "When we pull you over, you'd
better have your licence ready when we get to your car."

"I'm very sorry" the driver says, "I'm from Darwin - I didn't know".

The cop runs a check on the guy's licence - he's clean - and gives the guy
his licence back. He then walks around to the passenger side and taps
on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, smacks him on the head with his maglight.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.

"Just making your wish come true," replies the Cop.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks, rubbing his head.

"Because I just know," the pig says, "that two miles down the road, you were
gonna turn to your mate and say 'Geez, I wish that mongrel had've tried
that with me!'"

[Cookie-XR8]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

To help the ' Bush Fire Victims ', a number of Australian singers have joined forces for a charity record.
' Fry me kangaroo brown sport ', goes out on sale Monday !
**********************************************

*shakes head* i was at the local on friday night watching the cricket with some mate and this young guy flat out being 18 turns to his mate and says

What do the the vic bush fires and hungry jacks have in common? they both smell like flammed grilled meat

he got a smack in the mouth and kicked out, true story

[Hardtopxb]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing" ? she asks.
"Hunting flies", he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?"
"Yes three males,two females".
"How can you tell?" she asked intrigued.
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone"

A woman in a supermarket hurries to the express line with a few items and says to operator,"Excuse me. I'm in a hurry. Could you please check me out?"
The operator looks her up and and says,"Well, a bit wide in the hips but nice tits".

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend a bloke rolls over and spies a framed picture of another man on her bedside table.He starts to worry a bit.
"Is this your husband?". He asks.
"No silly". She says, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?". He asks.
"No silly". She says, slipping her hand down his jocks.
"Well who is it then?" He asks bewildered.
"Thats me before the surgery".

[Burnout]

One day a Priest was walking along by the river when he noticed a frog sitting on a lily pad
"help me" croaked the frog "once I was a beautiful choir boy, but an evil witch turned me into a frog, the only way to reverse this terrible spell is for me to spend the night in the bed of a religious man". The priest took the frog home, put it to bed and lo and behold in the morning there was a beautiful choir boy..

And that your Honour sums up the case for the Defence

[Jason[98.EL]]

Don't Talk To My Parrot




Wanda's dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairperson. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairperson,

'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you a cheque.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'
'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairperson arrived at Wanda's flat the following day, they discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog they had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairperson go about thier work.

The parrot, however, drove them nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairperson couldn't contain themself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

See - some people just don't listen!

[FGII-XR6]

Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but theanimals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal ispunishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex forthe first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?Well, not as great as Guam!)*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last? Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future Iwill be in Guam!!

[FGII-XR6]

IMPORTANT INFORMATION ON THE STIMULUS PAYMENT

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
"Q: What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A: It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.
"Q: Where will the government get this money?
"A: From taxpayers.
"Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A: Only a smidgen.
"Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
"A: The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q: But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A: Shut-up."

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India or Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New
Zealand (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you by clothing or shoes it will go to China, Indonesia, Bangladesh,
Philippines, Thailand or India.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to China or Taiwan.
And none of it will help the economy.
We need to keep that money here.
You can keep the money here by spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still here ( it could be worse).

[Burnout]

Two guys were walking down the high street. One, Tommy, had a bit of a
stutter and saw things that were just not there. The other one, George,
was gradually losing his patience. The conversation went something like
this

"G-G-G-George did you see that new Mercedes?"

"No Tommy, I didn't."

Further down the High Street.....

"G-G-G-G-George. Did you see that beautiful blond?"

"No Tommy, I didn't."

And even further on........

"G-G-G-G-George, did you see that......."

George losing his cool at this stage interjected, "Oh yes, Tommy, of course
I saw it."

"The- the-the- Then why did you t-t-t-tread in it?"

[Jason[98.EL]]

Square Testicles
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring hi mself that
there
was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[Jason[98.EL]]

WIFE FROM HELL

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


(I love this part....)


'Only when he's been drinking, Officer'.

[NC1183]

Gold, absolute gold

[Burnout]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ............... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

[pauljh74]

I got a new Rolex for my birthday from the lesbian girls next door.

I think they misunderstood me when I said, 'I wanna watch.'
****************************************

So Patrick Swayze hasn't got long left to live.

That's okay though, he's already had the time of his life.
****************************************

At hearings this week, Congress asked the CEO’s of the eight largest banks to explain how they squandered away billions of taxpayer money.

To which the CEO’s said, “You go first.”
****************************************

A big hairy trucker was driving his truck across a bridge when he came across a pretty young girl standing on the edge about to commit suicide, he stopped his truck and went to speak to her.

"What are you doing up there darling?" he asked.

"Committing suicide" she replied.

"Well, before you do, how would you like to come down here and commit one last act of kindness and *do me a favour*?"

"Okay" she said, and duly did the business.

She then climbed back onto the parapet.

"Just tell me why you want to commit suicide sweetheart" asked the trucker.

"Because my parents don't like me dressing as a girl" came the reply.
*********************************************

It's pretty shocking that Fred Phelps, the head of "God Hates Fags", has been banned from Britain.

Everyone knows that God hates fags - that's why he gives smokers cancer.
*********************************************

You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else?

Well, there was this Texan living in London a while back. HUGE fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, (often had to go through sideways.) and he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging.

Anyway, he had a heart attack and died one day, and wound up the a mortuary where a friend of mine worked.

Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made.

"So what did you do?" I asked.

"Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really............ We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box."

[itchy brother]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance andHMO paperwork and was burned out.Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would bebeneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for eveningclasses, attended diligently, and learned all he could.When the time for the practical exam approached, thegynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam withtremendous skill.When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he hadobtained a score of 150%.Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don'twant to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonderif there is an error in the grade."The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engineapart perfectly, this was
worth 50% of the total mark."You put the engine back together again perfectly, which isalso worth 50% of the mark."After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% ** because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

[Burnout]

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club
and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage
to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played,
or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with,
and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.

[Burnout]

HAYNES MANUAL

For those familiar with the Haynes range of motor manuals please find the
following addendum which will prove invaluable:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly
with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place. Clamp with adjustable wrench then
beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles. Clamp with adjustable wrench
then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey. Clamp with adjustable wrench then
beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7 ...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you
are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry ...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into ...

Haynes: Undo ...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring ...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb ...
Translation: Okay - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly ...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot
be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks ...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance ...
Translation: If it isn't broken ... it's about to be!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this ...
Translation: Hahaha!

Haynes: Compress ...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw
at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst
muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect ...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking
at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's
going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully ...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut ...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant ...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last
summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs ...
Translation: Snap off ...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch ...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat ...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat until glowing red. If it still doesn't come
undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of
bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly
with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the picture's exploded,
numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The
actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the
damage.

For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the
bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book
that uses this form of understatement?

The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford
Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to
mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine
compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the
thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!

----====####====----

THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL

All makes and models post-2000

For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes
Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:
Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of
cash.

Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary.
Proceed with routine service (see above).

HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as
a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we
are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting
holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm
of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you
were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front wing (fender).

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength
of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the
handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a
car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery
is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose
is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer
shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the
name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30
years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

[Jason[98.EL]]

Duties of Wives...



Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece.


He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .


He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

[Burnout]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A shoe-phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Burnout]

LIFE AFTER DEATH

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you
left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to
see you."

DOCTORS

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"

Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down? Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"

WIZARD

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you."

The old replies, "It was 'I now pronounce you man and wife'."

REQUEST

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he whispered, "I want you to marry Joe."

"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

"I do."

FAMILIARITY

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to his
hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you
ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be,"
she says. "Your face looks familiar."

ADVICE

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

"Oh, yes", said the man.

The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"