What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

A man hears the voice of God telling him that in order to enter the kingdom
of heaven one day, he needs to give up booze, cigarettes, and sex. He says
he will need time to think about it, and God says he will speak to him
again in one week.

A week later the voice of God asks for his decision.

He says I have given up the booze, and the cigarettes, but the other day my
wife was getting some meat out of the freezer, and I couldn't resist, and
there and then went for it on the spot.

God says they wouldn't approve of that sort of thing in heaven.

The man replies " They weren't too impressed down in "Woollies" either! "

[sarrge2001]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra one afternoon.

“Can I have six tablets cut into quarters please”

“I can cut them for you” said the pharmacist “but a quarter tablet won't give you a full erection”

“I'm 96” replied the old man, “I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers”

[Burnout]

The following are all replies that Manchester (UK) women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....
Who's your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can pro vide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the s#x was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had s#x with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejac#late and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordo Ramsey did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Jason[98.EL]]

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front &tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years
&not have an enemy in the world?'

Miss. Joyce tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, �I outlived the bitches.�

[Walt Kowalski]

Holden

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by Munroman

Holden

Oh, very Droll!

[Burnout]

Dear White King,

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since
the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In
fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led
to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as
well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
couldn't come out. After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of
liquid 'White King' with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!!
They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!!
I thank you once again for a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Glad 'Hefty' Bag people.

[FTe342]

A priest is booking into a motel.

He says to the receptionist "I hope those porno's are disabled".

She say's "No, there just ordinary porno's, you sick bast@#d!!!"

[Pedro]

This is a real tough one!!

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:
You are in North Queensland , Ingham to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You suddenly realise who it is... It's Kevin Rudd!
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options: You can save the life of Kevin Rudd or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer... Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Fev]

High contrast! High contrast!!!!

[FGII-XR6]

for a clasic moment like that it must be HD video

[Hardtopxb]

This is just a joke, no disrepect intended...

If you had a p0ofter on your back would you ..

A. Leave him there ?.

B. Pull him off ?.

you are free to choose,it's a free country..

[azaxr8]

hahaha hardtopxb i get it:P i choose C!

[Burnout]

A Garbo knocks on a Japanese mans door one morning.

The Jap says "Harro, what you wann?"

Dustman says "Where's ya bin?", "I bin on loo" says the Jap.

"No mate, where's ya dustbin?", "I dust bin on the loo" says the Jap.

"No no mate, stop mucking me about, where's ya wheelie bin?"

Jap says "Hokay, I wheelie bin having a pull!"

[Pedro]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

A Garbo knocks on a Japanese mans door one morning.

The Jap says "Harro, what you wann?"

Dustman says "Where's ya bin?", "I bin on loo" says the Jap.

"No mate, where's ya dustbin?", "I dust bin on the loo" says the Jap.

"No no mate, stop mucking me about, where's ya wheelie bin?"

Jap says "Hokay, I wheelie bin having a pull!"

[Jason[98.EL]]

The spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[Ross-b]

^^ haha thats gold

[Burnout]

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewellery.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few
weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my
husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually
cancels out the nice of "bald."

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where
there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

7. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever
care about anyone else.

8. Men who are going bald usually start wearing baseball caps.

9. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow - instead of a gun.

10. A good place to meet a man is at the Dry Cleaners. These men usually
have jobs and bathe.

11. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
combination address book, telescope and piano.

12. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship..." These
seven words strike fear into the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

13. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

14. Men don't get cellulite. (God might just be a man.)

15. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

16. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes
out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like
portable heaters that snore.

17. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I mean - have you ever
seen a man walk into a party and say: "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed!
Get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo ...."

18. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

19. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying
he wished he could be Cary Grant.

20. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

21. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

22. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?"
Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

23. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are
we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

24. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out
of sight of women.

25. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
"Get out!", and "I never want to see you again!" might sound like a
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes
they leave skid marks.

26. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you
look great." Mitch: "Thanks." But:
Mitch: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do..? Must be the lighting."

27. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

28. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a
woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

29. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually
button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but
we also need men to help us get dressed.

30. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his
closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

31. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause,
you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

32. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

33. All men would still really like to own a train set ....

[Burnout]

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an eight-step stress management
technique recommended in the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding
underwater.
8. See. You're smiling already.

[XR6_661]

It's true...

I do want a train set =(

[troppo]

A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre...
So he gave her one.

I met a really nice girl the other night, we really hit it off. It seems the chemistry was just right...one part rohypnol, one part chloroform.

Sort of like that never fail pickup line...
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

[XR6_661]

A man walks into a bar with some bitumen.

Goes up to the bar and say's "Can I get a beer and one for the road."

[Burnout]

Murder at Woolworths

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to
have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as
down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath and slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he
could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!'

[birdman941]

[Burnout]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes,
that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street
did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Trendseeker]

Withdrawn.

[Burnout]

* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

* When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me . .they're cramming for their final
exam.

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

* No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[Burnout]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . "
..
..
..
..
You just happened to catch my eye."

[Coogs289]

^^^^ DOO DOO - CHSHH (drum thing) lol good call!!! funny stuff their burnedout!!! thanks for the laughs!
cheers, Anthony

[AustinA40]

A Woman in Sydney was bitten on the Finger by Funnel Web Spider and rushed to Hospital, the newsreader who was a bit under the weather announced.

"A Woman in Sydney was bitten on the funnel by a finger web spider."