What jokes do you know?

[Trendseeker]

Did you hear about the constipated woodpecker?

It was so bad that he couldn't tell the difference between his wood-pecking and ring-barking.

[AustinA40]

A man was shaving when his shaver slipped and cut off his nose and then fell and cut off his big toe, in his haste to fix things he stuck his nose on his foot and big toe on his face.
Everything worked fine but if he wanted to blow his nose he had to take his shoe off.

[AustinA40]

A couple were going to a fancy dress party, the wife did not know what to wear so the husband said he would pick-up a costume for her.
When he got home he flung a couple of long black stockings and long black gloves, she wanted to know what do I do with these, he said, strip off and put these on, reach over your shoulder, grab your fanny, pull it up your back and go as a Redback Spider.

[Jason[98.EL]]

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be buggered!! ( think forum unsafe there ) A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room

[AustinA40]

Irving and his dog Spot were lost in the bush and were starving, Irving was leaning against a Coolabar tree and said to Spot, well old fella I am going to cook and eat you, while he is picking his teeth Irving looks at the pile of bones and says "If only Spot was here now he would love those bones."

[Suvo]

Heard this the other day.

Two irishmen are in a boat about to go diving, one says to the other "Why do divers fall backwards out" The other replied "Well if they fell forward they'd still be in the bloody boat"

[Burnout]

A policeman pulls over a driver who has a VB label stuck to his forehead.

The policeman says "Have you been drinking?"

The driver replies "No, I've given up. I'm on the patches now."

[Yellow_Festiva]

What do you call two Irishmen who enjoy each others company in an intimate sorta way? :

Gerald Fitspatrick and Patrick Fitsgerald

[Burnout]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates struck up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death" says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes,
and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very
calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was
cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the
bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement but no-one
was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding
there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there,
I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[AustinA40]

Confucious Says: "All women that fly upside down will have a crackup"

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by AustinA40

Confucious Says: "All women that fly upside down will have a crackup"

dont give up your day job mate

[pauljh74]

A foolish man will tell a woman to shut up.

A wise man will tell a woman she is beautiful with her lips closed.
************************

An amateur guitarist died one day, and as his life was filled with drunkenness, womanising and waste, he found himself in hell.

As he gets to hell, the demons usher him through a doorway into a recording studio. He looks around the room, sees Gerry Garcia, Louis Armstrong, Jimi Hendrix is over in the corner tuning up, Duane Allman is over chatting with Jim Morrison.

Surely there's been a wonderful mistake, he thinks to himself. Gerry Garcia walks over and hands him a guitar, and he gets the nerve to speak,

"Gerry, I thought I was going to hell, but isn't this heaven?" he asks, and Gerry just shrugs and chuckles sadly to himself. "oh, this is hell all right".

At that moment, the door opens and Karen Carpenter strides in, walks over to the drum kit, and sits down, putting on her headphones, and yells to the room:

"ok everybody, get ready. This is 'Close to you', take 40,785. Let's try to get it RIGHT this time, shall we? 1...2...3...4..."

[Jason[98.EL]]

An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'


'Yes, Father, it is.'


'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'


The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'


'Four months vacation and five good leads.

[FGII-XR6]

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having s*x .
Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading jokes ...

You hang in there mate.

[FGII-XR6]

Great news in these financially troubled times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night
out.

[FGII-XR6]

Scottish Wedding

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub
discussing Jim's big wedding day.

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised
already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night.'

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly. 'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be
married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and
what's the tartan?'

'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

[FGII-XR6]

School telephone answering machine

This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine .
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came
about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to
be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The
school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's
failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were
absent
15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to
pass their classes.

The outgoing message: Hello! You have reached the automated answering
service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right
staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why
your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do -
Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information
that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to
you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to
reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another
teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus
transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you
realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and
responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's
not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have
a nice day! If you want this in another language, move to a country that
speaks it.

[Burnout]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a Captain and his
crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the Captain bellowed to his First Mate,
"Bring me my red shirt!".

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
Captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were
repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were now _two_ pirate
vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the
Captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle
was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir - why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?".

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a Captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid".

The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there
were pirate ships - 10 of them - all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown trousers!"

[Burnout]

A letter recently seen in the "Personal advice column"....

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in Pukekohe and
one of my sisters, who lives in Browns Bay, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are
prostitutes on K Road. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a
non-parole life sentence in Mt Eden, for the rape & murder of a teenage
boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Auckland remand centre
on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who and
indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Fort St Brothel, however,
her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an
STD.We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into
the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee, utilising her
knowledge of the industry, working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it
would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this... I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her
into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with
her, so ...... .............should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an
Australian???

[vztrt]

WHAT SEVEN YEAR OLDS THINK ABOUT BEER

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.


(1) I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he
drinks the prettier my mom gets.
--Tim, 7 years old.

(2) Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we
want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
--Mellanie, 7 years old.

(3) My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when
she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad
doesn't think this is very funny.
--Grady, 7 years old.

(4) My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the
more they drink the more they give kisses to each other,
which is a good thing.
--Toby, 7 years old.

(5) My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets
his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old.

(6) My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he
dances. One time he danced right into the pool.
--Lilly, 7 years old.

(7) I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks
it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste
disgusting.
--Ethan, 7 years old

(8) I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.
--Shirley, 7 years old.

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

(9) My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks
on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and
tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but
that doesn't make any sense.
--Jack, 7 years old

[Burnout]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish
you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see
a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in the Northern
Territory when she saw an elderly Garrowa Aboriginal woman walking on the
side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Garrowa woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with
the old woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got
it for my husband."

The old woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."

[J_Tank]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?





Dr Dre.

[aomega54]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[mikestp]

Originally Posted by aomega54

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

...The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs that agrees with everything I do

[Jason[98.EL]]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .'


* * * * * * * * * * *

[Jason[98.EL]]

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a

lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
;
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Burnout]

Keeping up to date with the jargon.........

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the
WWW error message "404 Not Found," meaning the requested document couldn't
be located.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on most
computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've
just made a big mistake.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SitComs: What yuppies become when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it.
Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who've
snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes
off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterised by physical spasms, goofy
facial expressions, and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted
30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Midair Passenger Exchange - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on
collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminium rain."

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all of the
appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot.

[Rob's 76 Effy]

Well in day's gone by all dogs were made to attend Church
Upon entering the church all he dogs were required to remove there butt's and hang them up on the hooks proved at the door,
On one such service a fire broke out from a knock over candle and in the mad panic and rush all the dogs made a B line for the door and just grabbed any butt they could get hold of, which then started the dogs sniff around and thinking to themselves "Sniff Sniff no that butt's no mine"

[pauljh74]

Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[Burnout]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis
sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you
drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."