What jokes do you know?

[jcat58]

i was on my way to work this morning so i decided to cut through the cemetary.i noticed a bloke squating down behind a headstone. i said "morning".he replied,no mate i'm just having a "dump"

[Burnout]

A Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on
his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is
playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd
cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake
his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter
himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the
Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've
been waiting a long time for you.

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Sparky ('Electrician'
Royalty of all Trades) sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint
Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to
obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't
remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because
I'm a Sparky the Royalty of all Trades"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the
man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160
years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The Sparky ('Electrician' Royalty of all Trades) is awestruck and can
only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his
power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I
lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by
God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your
time sheets."

[Burnout]

When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside
the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs.

The first replied 190. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the
contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of
general relativity".

The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to
discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest
for world peace".

The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So
what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?"

[Burnout]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa. 'The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy ' thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?' He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.' She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'

[AustinA40]

Husband came home to find his wife in an agitated way, he said "what's the matter", she replied "there's a dog on the nature strip" he said "leave it there for 10 days and if nobody claims it it's yours"

[Burnout]

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for cars and coaches. There also
used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars
£1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years, then one day just
didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council
and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......

"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...

"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the
City Council, wasn't he?" .....

"Err NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park
fees for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

********

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being
so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the
car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest
Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted
"240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me
roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car
to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily
down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

[pauljh74]

A Policeman drives up to a Scousers house with an arrest warrant for a recent spate of car thefts, he knocks on the door and a woman answers.

He says, "Hello, does Terry Scallie live here?"

"Yes" says the woman

"Is he in?" he asks.

"No" says the woman

"Do you know where he is?" asks the copper.

"Yes" says the woman "He's just gone to give his friend Barry a lift home."

"Do you know what car he is driving?" asks the copper.

"Yes" says the woman "Right now he's driving a white Ford Transit van with blue flashing lights on the top."
************************

The mother-in-law asked me what I thought her ideal weight should be.

'Two pounds including urn' isn't what they want to hear.
************************

What's the worst thing you could say if a woman asks you "Does my bum look big in this?"

"Hold on. Let me stand back a bit to get it all in."

[Daymoe]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for cars and coaches. There also
used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars
£1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years, then one day just
didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council
and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......

"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...

"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the
City Council, wasn't he?" .....

"Err NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park
fees for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

********

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being
so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the
car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest
Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted
"240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me
roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car
to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily
down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Lol French... Its one of those lame jokes but makes you laugh haha good work.

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by Daymoe

Lol French... Its one of those lame jokes but makes you laugh haha good work.

Maqte I have thousands of 'em!
If you dont larf you die!

[itchy brother]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

Maqte I have thousands of 'em!
If you dont larf you die!

Not a truer word was spoken!

[Cookie-XR8]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop ****ing.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shi,,,,,,,,."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[pauljh74]

Aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defence Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
A pilot overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . Read below....

The conversation...
Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
U.S. Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

U.S. Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up. I'll wait!'

Iranian Air Defence Radar: (no response ... )
*****************************

After laughing at some of the jokes on here i'm convinced that i am going to hell.
But its ok, it's warm and i'll know people there!
*****************************

I read somewhere that man should be master of his own destiny.
I take that to mean the writer has never been married.
*****************************

What does Pontiac stand for?
.
.
.
.
Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It's A Cadillac!
*****************************

Last night I confused my constipation pills for Viagra...

Talk about crap in bed
*****************************

Whilst suffering a crisis of faith, a Priest takes a holiday and is walking down the beach enjoying the sunshine. As he looks out to sea he notices a man in a Collingwood shirt being attacked by a shark. Just as he is about to jump into the water to try and help in any way he could, he sees two guys in a boat wearing Carlton shirts approach the stricken man. He thinks surely this is the end for the poor guy now.

Then to his utter surprise, he sees one Carlton fan take out a gun and shoot the shark while the other pulled the half chewed Collingwood fan to safety. Completely amazed by the events that have just unfolded before him he shouts with all his might to get the attention of the guys on the boat, who then sail over to him.

He says "Bless the lord, that was the most selfless and heroic deed I have ever witnessed, you have reaffirmed my belief in an almighty God and you have inspired me to go forth and help everyone I meet. Thank you."

As he is walking away one Carlton fan asks the other "Who was that?"

"I don't know" he replied "But he knows bugger all about shark fishing."
**************************

I got called up for jury service the other day. The first case was a young bloke who'd been found "interfering" with a horse. It dragged on, and was pretty boring, until his lawyer mentioned he'd come from a "stable background".

Everyone wet themselves laughing.
*************************

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."

[Burnout]

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into
his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the
room, make a noise like a frog!"

What?" said his grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak,
we're going to Disneyland!!!"

[AndrewE]

Not sure if this has been said...

What do you call a greek girl with numbers on her back???

Ruler..

[redxm]

Hung Chow calls into work and says,'Hey,I no come today,

I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come

work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I
really

need you today.

When I feel sick like

you, I go to my wife and tell her to

give me sex.

That makes everything better I go to work. You

try.'



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say

and feel great. I be work soon........ .. You got nice

house.'!!!!

[FGII-XR6]

I called the Italian Embassy today to offer my ex wife's assistance after the
earthquake.
She's great at finding faults

[FGII-XR6]

Japanese bank crisis!

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the
run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 hours the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone
belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were
suspended after they nose-dived.

The Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks but the Ninja
Bank is reported to have taken a hit - they however remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is
feared that staff may get a raw deal.

[FGII-XR6]

Proof That The World Is Nuts


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?WTF!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex forthe first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)


Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I
will be working in Guam!! ( I'ts a tough job but someone has to do it)

[Burnout]

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient
acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! what are
you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now ... I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving
his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"

Charlie says "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some
rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Bob's
room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With
surprise, she asks, "Bob - what *are* you doing!?"

To which Bob replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

[CHARGED TERRA]

4 Uni students decided to go out on the turps the night before there mid term exams.


Upon getting home at 6am they all decided they were to hungover to take the test and came up with a plan, So they covered themselves in dirt and grease and went to see the leacturer and explained that they had been to a wedding last night and on the way home a tyre blew out and they had to push the car all the way back, by the time they got home they did not have any time to study and asked if they would be able to take the test tommorrow.


The lecturer agreed that since they had car trouble and were not able to study they could take the test tommorrow.


That night they all studied really hard and upon arriving at uni the next day the lecturer asked them all to go into seperate rooms.





When they looked at the test they noticed only 2 questions.



1. Write your name (2 marks)



2. Which tyre blew? (98 marks)

[Burnout]

If you are interested reducing your housework consider this option:

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it 'Housework.'
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'
6. Calmly answer, 'Yes' and press mouse button firmly...
7. Feel better?

Works for me!

[Jason[98.EL]]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew......




Bastards won't let me fart.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quick Thinking





Wish I could think so quickly. . . ...

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.





After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across


the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,


'Are all of those kids yours?'



He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company.


These are customer complaints'.

[Charliewool]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!

[Jason[98.EL]]

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!


The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a
bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with
$96,000.


The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He
did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are
your testicles?'


The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam’.

[Hords]

A bogan walked into the Centerlink office, marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 30 year old daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The Centerlink worker said, 'Yeah, well*..you started it!'

[Walt Kowalski]

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

In Seth Efrika ourglasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

[my gt]

what do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
"do you think he saw us" (Say it like one word)

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by my gt

what do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
"do you think he saw us" (Say it like one word)

Somebody has been watching Jurassic Park.

What was the Dinosaur's Dog's name ?

Do You Think He Saw Us Rex

[Burnout]

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair
styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome?" Why would
anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place on Rome's left bank called Teste..."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in
the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying
to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip
of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her
about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked,
so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some
of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and
wait, the Pope would personally greet me."

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my
hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really...What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the rubbish hairdo?"

[Jason[98.EL]]

No attempt at being political here ( mods remove if no good )

You've got to love little Johnnie!!!!!


Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working families', if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families') asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, That would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children Drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!'