What jokes do you know?

[Jason[98.EL]]

True Friendship

"Aussie Style"

None of that Sissy Crap




Are you tired of those weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?



Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.



1. When you are sad -- I will help you get smashed and plot revenge against the bastards who made you sad.



2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you, by giving you copious amounts of alcochol.



3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.



4. When you are scared -- I will tease you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.




5..... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whinging.




6.... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words, and speak very slowly.





7.... When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.



8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ***, but I'll help you up as soon as I can get it together again.



9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;

because you are my friend.



Friendship is like ****ing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

[Fev]

god damn that story on the page before was long.. wish i didnt see it while i was at work lol

[XR6_661]

Same haha. I got stuck into it and was actually quite engaged in it and interested it what was going to happen...

Then yeah, just wish I'd had realised it was a joke sooner...mmm, better late then never I guess!!

[Jason[98.EL]]

i know its a video but bloody hell its funny


Jason

[pauljh74]

The big bad wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down". The little pig said "bugger off or I'll sneeze on you"
************************

I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly".

That way everyone in the country can get wasted drinking Responsibly.

And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink Responsibly".

Probably will annoy the government as well.

[reece1]

there was a inflateable kid that went to a inflateable school with inflateable friends in inflateable town. in a inflateable world. this day the inflateable kid took a pin to school . the inflateable teacher caught the inflateable kid with the pin and sent him to the inflateable principals office. the inflateable princaple sat him down and said kid you've let me down, you let your friends down , you have let the school down. haha

[Windsor220]

Tough crowd.........




There is a joke thread a couple down form this one atm.

[BZINGA]

The kid sounds like a little pr1ck :dr_Evil:

[Iggypoppin']

That story was horribly long. Yet pretty fun to read. Well done got me hook, line and sinker!

[FGII-XR6]

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years
I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Gary said and proceeded to
drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever
seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to
the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her
composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen
again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Gary replied.
Things went downhill from there.

[FGII-XR6]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus is watching
you."


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."


Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.


"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you
that he is watching you."


The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"


"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
'Moses'?"


"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

[FGII-XR6]

The Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Kevin Rudd. The
stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the PM, who
demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a Royal commission presented the following findings - The stamp is in
perfect order - There is nothing wrong with the adhesive - People are
spitting on the wrong side.

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by reece1

there was a inflateable kid that went to a inflateable school with inflateable friends in inflateable town. in a inflateable world. this day the inflateable kid took a pin to school . the inflateable teacher caught the inflateable kid with the pin and sent him to the inflateable principals office. the inflateable princaple sat him down and said kid you've let me down, you let your friends down , you have let the school down. haha

Sound like he was real (Rick with a P)

[Burnout]

Two guys were walking their dogs. One had a German Shepherd, and the other
had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for
a drink.

The other man says "They're not going to let dogs into the bar."

And the first guy says "No? Watch this!"

So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a
seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says
anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on,
and walks his Chihuahua into the bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry - we don't allow dogs in here."

And the man says, "It's okay - it's my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?"

And the guy says, .................."They gave me a Chihuahua????"

[Rob's 76 Effy]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

The Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of Kevin Rudd. The
stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the PM, who
demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a Royal commission presented the following findings - The stamp is in
perfect order - There is nothing wrong with the adhesive - People are
spitting on the wrong side.

Not very original, it's the same one they had for Little Johnny eyebrows :

[Burnout]

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy !"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

[cool65]

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

[FGII-XR6]

Originally Posted by cool65

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

[pauljh74]

Sex is like riding a bike;

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16 Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountain Bikes.
*****************************

I've been spending too much time on my car recently and sort of ignoring my girlfriend.
She said to me; "You'd pay more attention to me if I had four wheels and an engine"
"No I wouldn't," I replied. "I'd trade you in as scrappage for two grand and get a brand new model."

[guitarman]

44 pages, eh! What did I start?? (And Burnedout is STILL not burned out). Good to see. Plenty of funny jokes over the time...thanks to nearly everyone concerned!

Q. What's the top sport in NZ
A. Rugby ewe-nion

DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD UNTIE!

[Burnout]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet
and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his
clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with
some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with
you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always
wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope......... only when it's raining".

[vztrt]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It gets worse........

next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the - what could possibly go wrong?

[CHARGED TERRA]

The population of this country is 20 million.

11 million are retired.

That leaves 9 million to do the work.

There are 5 million in school

Which leaves 4 million to do the work.

Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 2 million to do the work.

0.1 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 1.9 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 1.5 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 0.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals.

Leaving 381,200 to do the work.

Now, there are 380,198 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your backside,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice…Real Nice, that’s why we’re in trouble!

[CHARGED TERRA]

Originally Posted by vztrt

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It gets worse........

next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the - what could possibly go wrong?

Hate to ruin your Joke Dan,

But

2007 = PIG
2008 = RAT
2009 = OX

:

[vztrt]

Originally Posted by CHARGED TERRA

Hate to ruin your Joke Dan,

But

2007 = PIG
2008 = RAT
2009 = OX

:

So they're running bit behind....

[Burnout]

You May Not Know That Many Non-Living Things Have A Gender:

For example...

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[FGII-XR6]

I've just tried phoning the Swine Flu helpline but there is just a load
of crackling on the line!

[FGII-XR6]

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old farmer, who cut it on a
gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with
the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his
appointment as Prime Minister.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fellow is what they
call a fencepost tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost
tortoise was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come
across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a
fencepost tortoise."


The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain,


"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong
up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just
have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place."

[FGII-XR6]

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT............PSALM 2009 - 2012

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT


Kevin is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Liberal party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life
And I will live in a rented home forever.

[RepSpec]

wow, no jokes for a whole day!

does this mean that every joke ever written is in the last 40 something pages???