What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and
discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other,
'You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a
woman. It's been such a long, long time....So.... do you think we
should....well....you know....screw her?' 'Out of WHAT???' asked the other

[BLU XR]

A Small Guy Sitting At The Bar, A Big Thug Walk's In And Hits Him To The Floor And Said's That;s A Karate Chop From Korea.later The Thug Walk's Up To Him And Hits Him Again And Says That's A Judo Chop From Japan.the Small Guy Walk's Out And A Few Minutes Later Return's Smack's Him In The Head And Knock's Him Out Cold He Say's To The Barmen When That Mongrel Wake's Up Tell Him That Was A Crowbar From Bunning's.

[guitarman]

Australian gets off the plane in Ireland.
Walks up to an Irishman and asks: "Mate, where's the Ambassador Hotel from here?"
(Irishman) " Certainly, Sir, just go up this street here for 200 yards and you'll get to a hair-dressing salon, then turn left, then go up that street for another 200 yards to a church, and turn left again, then go up that street for 200 yards to a fish shop, and turn left again, then go up that street for another 200 yards to another church and turn left again....." (Australian interrupts, working it all out in his head) "Hang on, mate, if I go up there 200 yards, turn left, then another 200 and left, and another 200, left, AND ANOTHER 200, THEN LEFT, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK HERE."
(Irishman) " That's correct, Sir, the Ambassador Hotel's right across the road there!"

[troppo]

Gazing into my cystal ball, I see another holiday coming up...

[Laminge]

This is the 3rd time I am going to ask to keep the jokes clean, the last user is now enjoying a 2 week ban.

Next will have their account deleted and permanently blocked

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by Laminge

This is the 3rd time I am going to ask to keep the jokes clean, the last user is now enjoying a 2 week ban.

Next will have their account deleted and permanently blocked

Yeah, c'mon guys. Admin already lets us get away with a lot of stuff!
e.g:.........you don't even have to be musical to join the banned!

[StAndArdAU]

6 year old pony-tailed pink dress wearing girl walks into a pet shop, Asks the man behind the counter:
"Excuthe me thir, do you have any little bunny rabbitth?

the man replies "Well yes we do little girl" holding two of em up, "would you prefer a cute little white one with a bushy little tail, or this dark one with the white spot on its head"

The little girl answers sternly, "i don't think my pet python gives a thuck!"

[Burnout]

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. On meeting St Peter at the gates, it asks
whether it is white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. St Peter
doesn't know, so he sends it to see God who is working round the corner in his
garden.

The zebra puts the same question to God. God replies "You are what you
are".

The zebra returns to St Peter, who asks how it got on. The zebra says
"God said 'you are what you are'. What does that mean?"

St Peter says "That means white with black stripes."

"How come?" says the zebra.

"Well", St Peter says, "if you were black with white stripes, God would have
said 'You is what you is!'.

[StAndArdAU]

A bit distasteful!?!? its princess Di for christ sa.....oh i wont argue.....On the chin!

Lets see how we go with this one,
How do you make a Hormone?

Dont Pay her!

[pauljh74]

Golfing Dictionary

Tee Shots
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner
A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner

Sand bunker Shots
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
An Eva Braun - picked up in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

Striking the Golf Ball
A Russell Grant - a fat iron
A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
A circus tent - a big top
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

Approach Shots
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you
A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
A Sister-in-Law - you're up there but you know you shouldn't be

Putts
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Kings Corner Dancer - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
An Issan Girl - boy that cup has big lips
A South American - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

Match Play
A Thai Bar Girl - an expensive round
A Thai Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

[Burnout]

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS You don't have any cows. You claim that the Indian
cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for military
aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology,
French for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan
for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by
the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH ECONOMICS You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live
for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS You have two cows. They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You
break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge
others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five
cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You
claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting
the actual numbers.

[Burnout]

An elderly gentleman (mid seventies), very well dressed, hair well groomed,
great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after
shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail
lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
__________________________________________________ _________________

(Something a little close to the bone.)

RAISE YOUR GLASSES

An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out
a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the States our glasses are
so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Brit obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into
the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit.

He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to
drink with the same ones twice."

[gthofan]

Heres one my dad told me years ago.

*IN THE LOCAL PRISON*

The local priest was in the prison for his monthly visit to talk to some inmates, The priest went to the first inmate,

PRIEST- Oh hello my child, god is with you, Now what are you in for?
INMATE 1- Armed robbery
PRIEST- OH thats terrible, what did you get for that?
INMATE1- 4 years. no parole

the priest goes to the second inmate,
PRIEST- Hello my child, what are you here for?
INMATE 2- Im here for Woofing.
PRIEST- uh Woofing?
INMATE 2- Yeah Woofing, Its when you find some "illegal immigrant" throw a can of petrol on him and WOOF!
PREIST- Oh my thats absolutely terrible. What did you get for that?
INMATE 2- About 12 to the Gallon.


Sorry if its bad taste

cheers
scott

[xalent]

Not some much a joke but funny anyway and hopefully not bannable

Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on
British TV and radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the
Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold> > Palmer] is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the
set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Fev]

ahaha ive heard some of those before but still gold!

i saw a video on youtube a while back. it was a CNN news presenter taking callers about something, and he gets one on

CNN: "Hey andrew, what do you think?!"
Caller: "am i on the air?"
CNN: "Uh yes you are!"
Caller: "F&^k!!!!! *dial tone*"
CNN: "..um..Next caller!"

[Fev]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[gthofan]

hahaahah very good.

[Fev]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[FGII-XR6]

THE ART OF SPIN-DOCTORING

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that
Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse
stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the Gallows.

On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse
thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the

Montana Flyer six times, caught
by Pinkerton Detectives,
convicted and hanged in 1889.

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of
Professional Image adjusters sent back the following biographical
sketch:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His
business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a
government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with
the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in
his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.

Regards, Hilary

[FGII-XR6]

The Points System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's
the way the game is played.

Here is a guide t o the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (0)

Without her asking (+5)

In the rain (+8)

But return with Beer too (-5)

But return with Beer instead (-50)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her cat (-10)

It's her cat (and she knows you hate it) (-100)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-20,000)



HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It’s ok it matches yours." (-8000)



ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (- 10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV or getting beer(+5000)
She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)


Now what chance do you have???

[FGII-XR6]

Hurricane Shazza hit Mt Druitt in the early hours of Monday 17th March
2008.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The hurricane devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of
Damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
Woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Mt Druitt Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused
And bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
Something interesting had happened in Mt Druitt.

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old
Mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two
Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
On as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
Large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care
Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
Unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette
Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport
Socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The
Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked
Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and
a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

* * * * *Breaking news* * * * *
Mt Druitt Uniting Church has cancelled their local 'Nativity Display'
Due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin. Please don't
forward this to anyone living in Mt Druitt - oh, stuff it, they won't be
able to read it, anyway!

[Fev]

BAHAHAHAHA i love that! although you left out parklea markets tracksuits made by C-Unit and the Wutang Band :P

[Burnout]

A lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, and she lets off loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, sure enough standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to s*$t
yourself when you hear the price."

[Fev]

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

[Fev]

Each year, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and a sphincter.

[guitarman]

What about the quality of humour on this thread!....(hilarious)... here's just a few recent honourable mentions:

Fev, your "Style Invitational", and "Movies" posts are some of the funniest i've ever seen

xalent, those double-entendres are crack-ups

au3xr6, The Points System, a true classic ; Spin-doctoring, ; but that one on Mt. Druitt! :king: : I laughed so much reading it out to my wife, I think I've covered her in about 4 coats of spit. (post some more! - I think she'll need a finishing coat)

I've heard about that hospital at Mt. Druitt! - they once treated a little bloke for about 3 months for jaundice, until they found out he was only Chinese!

[Burnout]

A man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the
round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green
when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping
and stands up on its hind legs.

The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That
dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??"

"Somersaults."

"Somersaults?! How many of them does it do?"

"Mmmm ... depends on how hard I kick it up the ar*e!"
__________________________________________________ ________________

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He's so proud
of himself that he starts calling his wife "mother of six" (in spite of her
objections).

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home,
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, mother of six?"

His wife, now irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back:
"Any time you're ready, father of four!"

[TheSneakiness]

:

Simon, those jokes you're putting up are great.

[Fev]

this one might be a bit dark but still funny

A man's wife goes missing ona diving holiday in Western Australia.

He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the older Sargeant and a young Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm veryy sorry but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a cleft in the reef."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and asks what the good news is.

The Sargeant says, "When we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the amn a sugar bag with a couple of crayfiss and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...... So what's the other possible good news?

"Well", the Sargeant said, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[xr8chick]

A very loud, unattractive, overweight, hard-faced woman walks into Centrelink to collect the dole with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



The man at the counter says, "Good morning and welcome to Centrelink. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"


The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? .... Do you think they look alike, ya dickead?"

Wait for the punchline ..................................

"Absolutely not," replies the man, "I just couldn't believe anyone would f#@k you twice."