What jokes do you know?

[LowEL2XR8]

I'll probably get banned for this one but here goes......

Looking forward to the French spin-off version of Lost.

[mikestp]

Originally Posted by LowEL2XR8

I'll probably get banned for this one but here goes......

Looking forward to the French spin-off version of Lost.

ROFL

[XR6_661]

Hahahaha.

Ohhh I shouldn't laugh but that was good

[Fev]

There was an old farmer who lived on a rock.
He sat in the meadow just shaking his...

Fist at some boys who were down by the crick.
Their feet in the water their hands on their...

Marbles and playthings and at half past four.
There came a young lady she looked like a...

Pretty young creature she sat on the grass.
She pulled up her dress and she showed them her...

Ruffles and laces and white fluffy duck.
She said she was learning a new way to...

Bring up her children so they would not spit.
While the boys in the barnyard were shovelling...

Refuse and litter from yesterday's hunt.
While the girl in the meadow was rubbing her...

Eyes at the fellow down by the dock
He looked like a man with a sizeable...

Home in the country with a big fence out front
If he asked her politely she'd show him her...

Little pet dog who was subject to fits
And maybe she'd let him grab hold of her...

Small tender hands with a movement so quick
And then she'd bend over and suck on his...

Candy so tasty made of butterscotch
And then he'd spread whipped cream all over her...

Cookies that she had left out on her shelf
If you think this is dirty you can go screw yourself![/QUOTE]
I actually have this recorded lol - some american radio station did it but its damn funny

[RSgerry]

Originally Posted by LowEL2XR8

I'll probably get banned for this one but here goes......

Looking forward to the French spin-off version of Lost.

what do you get if you cross the Atlantic with an Air France plane?

about half way.....

[Mickxr8]

poor taste . !

[LowEL2XR8]

Originally Posted by RSgerry

what do you get if you cross the Atlantic with an Air France plane?

about half way.....

ROFL

Doesnt take long for a disaster to strike someones funny bone does it!

[redxm]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet...

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out
as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your bloody life, she's reversing!!"

[buggerlugs]

RENAULT AND FORD TO MERGE
Renault and Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new little zippy car................The Clitaurus.
The car comes in Pink, with fur on the dash.
( Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option )

[pauljh74]

I tried booking a flight with Air France. The telesales rep asked me where I wanted to sit. She got annoyed when I said the shallow end.
*****************************

Has anyone else noticed there have been no suicide bombings since Susan Boyle emerged?
Now that they've seen what's on offer, they're thinking twice...
*****************************

Why does Michael Jackson only wear one glove?

He lost the other one in little Billys Jeans.
*****************************

When the bodies of the women from the Air France crash are recovered it will be easy to discover their nationalities.

To find out if Brazilian, check between the legs and to find out if French, check under the armpits.
*****************************

Popular Al Jazeera reality series "Jihad My Ride" features, among other Muslim celebrities, Mahmoud "I-Wanna-Jihad" Ahmadinejad taking normal automobiles and making them "The Bomb".
*****************************

A farmer takes a large bucket to collect some fruit from trees around his pond. When he gets to the pond, he finds a group of young women skinny-dipping in it.

The farmer tells them to get out of his pond, but the girls shout back that there is no way they are getting out of the water naked whilst the farmer is standing there.

Thinking on his feet, the farmer holds up the bucket and says

"if you don't want to get out, that's fine, but I've just come down here to feed the crocodiles"

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by XR6_661

Pre season training for the NSW 2009 state of origin team in Sydney was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially officials thought it was a prank, The Coach immediately suspended training, while police and ASIO were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, NSW Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the try line.

Practice was resumed this afternoon after Police & ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

Originally Posted by BFXRScott

Youll be singing another tune tomorrow night, CMON THE MIGHTY BLUES :

Wrong again!

Try to do better! :

[guitarman]

The 'Mighty Blues'......that's an oxymoron, isn't it?

(come to think of it, you could drop the oxy bit as well):

[Burnout]

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick', the Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you.

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.

Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.

“Fo’ Cris ‘ackes don't throw out the burnt ones!”

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by guitarman

The 'Mighty Blues'......that's an oxymoron, isn't it?

(come to think of it, you could drop the oxy bit as well):

Oh yes!
Very good!

[Fev]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick', the Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you.

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.

Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.

“Fo’ Cris ‘ackes don't throw out the burnt ones!”

Ohhh Ohh oh..

[Hardtopxb]

I rear ended a car this morning,the other driver got out of his car, he was a dwarf. He stormed over to me looked up and said "I,m not happy mate"!!So I looked down at him and said "Well which one are you?. Thats how the fight started.

One day long,long ago,there was a woman who did not whine, nag or .
But it was along time ago and it was just that one day.Probably never happen again...

A blond had a flat tyre on the expressway pulled over got 2 cardboard men out of her boot, unfolded them facing oncomming traffic. They were wearing trench coats were naked exposing nude bodies and private parts to thr traffic..
cars soon started backing up drivers tootinghorns and waving etc.
A cop pulls up asks her what was going on.
She replies "I have a flat".
Cop asks her what the obscene cardboard men are for.
She could not believe that he did not know............So she told him.
Hello-o-o, they are my emergency flashers..

[Nickxb]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

Popular Al Jazeera reality series "Jihad My Ride" features, among other Muslim celebrities, Mahmoud "I-Wanna-Jihad" Ahmadinejad taking normal automobiles and making them "The Bomb".

I also heard "So you think you can Jihad" is a popular series. :

[FGII-XR6]

On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to
address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C,
due to his experiences in handling the Australian Indigenous situation in
Australia.

He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First
Nation's present standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister
with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he
left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name
given to Rudd.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of
crap, it can no longer fly.

[FGII-XR6]

Iqbal and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Iqbal, but collects $2 to $3 a day only.
Iqbal brings home a suitcase full of $10 notes everyday, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Iqbal 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Iqbal says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Iqbal says 'No wonder you only get $2- $3 a day.
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Iqbal shows Habib his sign.
It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan '.

[mikestp]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

I tried booking a flight with Air France. The telesales rep asked me where I wanted to sit. She got annoyed when I said the shallow end.

I rang to book a boat cruise

[Burnout]

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson ... ... paging Mr. Johnson.

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

... and the NUMBER ONE way of saying "Your Fly Is Open" is:

1. I thought you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

[Ross-b]

^^ hahaahaha number 1 is well deserved

[XRCIST]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day
a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit
with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs
to do here and there to make her feel important. do here and there to make
her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with
a pay envelope containing 5 dollars.

The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the appropriate words
of admiration and suggested that they take the 5 dollars pay she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"
"I will if those worthless c**k suckers at the timber yard ever bring us the f**kin' fibro we ordered," replied the little girl.




A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said

to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know $h*t ?



A Teacher says to her Year (Grade) 2 class - “Today class we are going to learn about the word contagious. Who can tell me a sentence with the word contagious in it?”

Little Mary – “Miss, I can. When I went to the hospital the Doctor wore a mask. Mum said that was to make sure the doctor did not spread or catch any contagious germs.”

“Very good Mary” says the Teacher. “Anybody else?

“Yes Miss” says little Sarah. “When I had chicken pox I could not come to School because my Mum said it was contagious.

“Very good Sarah” says the Teacher.

A voice rings out. Its little Johny.

“Miss, Miss, I have a sentence” says little Johny.

“Okay” says the teacher. “What is it?”

Little Johny says – “One day my Dad and I were sitting on the front porch. He was having a beer. A big garbage truck came down our street. As it went around the corner all the rubbish fell from the back of the truck. My dad said it will take that c#nt ages to clean up the mess.”

[XRCIST]

Dont know if this ones been posted but it alwlays cracks me up lol

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN!

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights, darks, whites, man made or - natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the
bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth,
armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that
it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and
turns red hot.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of spots.
Attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find them).
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to
spend hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN!

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile on floor.
Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!!
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch balls and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't need one.
Wash face.
Wash armpits.
Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash balls and the surrounding area.
Wash bum, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because
the shower curtain was outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off
towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.

[XRCIST]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said."I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

[Coogs289]

XRCIST, all of those jokes were bloody hilarious!!!

[Hemicuda]

Yeah, bloody ha ha at all the Collingwood jokes. Whats the difference between jumping on a trampoline an jumping on a Bris. Lions supporter?
You take your shoes off when u jump on a trampoline.

[XRCIST]

Lol....one more before i go to sleep, this is one of my favourites



An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.

It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.

A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.



"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.


"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could

THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already $h*t my pants!"


HE GOT THE JOB

[Hemicuda]

Very good. Ain't that the truth!

[pauljh74]

What do the Conservative Party and the Atlantic have in common?

Both have gained 200 seats this week.
*********************************

As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.

'I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.

Again, he shouted back.

'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room,' I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

'Dad, I've got dog crap all over my shoes.'
*********************************

Joe & John are twin brothers who live in the same town. Joe owns a dilapidated old boat which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few weeks later a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. "I'm sorry for your loss", she said. "Thank you", said Joe, "but i'm sorta glad to be rid of her, she was a rotten old thing anyway. Her bottom was all shrivelled and she smelled of dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big one in the front. She was bulging out everywhere in her old age. Every time i used her she leaked and dribbled and her old hole got bigger. I think what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to 4 lads looking for a good time. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!
*********************************

Mike meets his old pal, John, on the golf course and gets chatting, catching up on their last 10 years. "What you working as nowadays?" says Mike. John replies, "I'm actually a hitman." "A hitman?!" Mike retorts. "Yeah, I use a sniper rifle to kill on contract. I've got it with me in this briefcase if you want a look?". Mike asks to see the gun so John opens his briefcase and assembles the rifle. "You mind if I have a look through the scope?" enquires Mike. John agrees and passes the gun to Mike. "This is great!" says Mike, "I can see right in my bedroom window from here! That's my wife!!....wait a minute....that's my next door neighbour! The dirty bastard! Get off my wife!...how much do you charge for a hit?" John replies, "2 grand a shot." "Right," Mike says, "I want you to shoot my wife in the head and my neighbour in the groin. "Okay," replies John and takes the gun from Mike. After a short while he still hasn't pulled the trigger. "Come on what's taking you so long?!" asks Mike. "Relax," John replies casually, "I'm trying to save you 2 grand."