What jokes do you know?

[wgwallace]

I was waiting for someone to tell the hitman joke...

In the year 2004, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, "Once again, the planet has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another
Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the
Ark before I will start the ceaseless rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard, but no ark.

Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need
for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the
Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would
be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew.Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I
have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to
finish this Ark.."

Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You
mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[Burnout]

(Who said Australian men aren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya Darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

[Jeddak]

Two passengers on a flight to Brisbane

One says to the other "i wonder how far this plane can go on one engine"?

His mate says" All the way to the scene of the accident"

"And we beat the paramedics by a half a hour"

[duaned]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet,
But she didn't want to spend a Fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.

They say it's been Trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.


'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No More blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,
He was extremely Sceptical and laughed it off! ..

The woman went to bed happy,
Thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened
By the noise of pots and pans Flying everywhere,
Making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran Downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband

And the frog reading Cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

[Burnout]

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the
Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
it's important but it's only England. They're crap and we can't be
bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
myself. You lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how
the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A
big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho
10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers,

"It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the
teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1
(Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against
England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him
in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his
hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And
they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down ... I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[Tuddy200]

After I figured out it was soccer/football/kicking game that the joke related to I finally got it. Amusing.

[Burnout]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"

___.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.___


An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested
no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to
take me out when I'm dead."

___.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.___


A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

___.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.___


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, "They couldn't get a babysitter."


___.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.___


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

___.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.___


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."

___.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.___


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day
of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"

___.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.____.-_-_.___


Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's
probably just your Dad.

[go_ford]

There was a blonde lady who bought an economy class plane ticket from Sydney to melbourne. So when she got on the plane she went into first class and sat down.
Then a man came around checking passengers tickets and realised that this lady only had an economy ticket so he told her she had to move to where she was supposed to be seated, but she refused. She just said im sexy and beutiful and I can sit where ever I want. So just before the plane took of and after they had tried everything to get her to go to her correct seat a male flight attendant walked in and said dont worry I will handle it, so he goes over to the blonde lady and whispers into her and then she suddenly got up and went straight back to economy class. All the other attentants wondered what he whispered into her ear and what made her go to her seat, he said easy, I just told her that first class wasnt going to melbourne..

[Burnout]

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better."

And the Arabs asked, "Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So, he went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Mexicans wanted an example,

and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example

and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" they asked. "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"Good, we'll take 10."

[Jason[98.EL]]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend

Trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and

The Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

Having a great time, when one of them realized she

Hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She

Decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the

Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,

Clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?

We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard

And whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

[guitarman]

Proton

[Burnout]

Tony, a Lebanese businessman, talks to his son:

Tony: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: I will choose my own bride
Tony: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter
Son: Well, in that case...

Next Tony approaches Bill Gates
Tony: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry
Tony: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...

Finally Tony goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Tony: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Tony: But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case ...

[wgwallace]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better."

And the Arabs asked, "Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So, he went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

And the Mexicans wanted an example,

and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example

and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" they asked. "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"Good, we'll take 10."

Hahaha, nice.

[pauljh74]

I was passing a group of kids today when one shouted, "Oi, You dropped your gay card.". Now I fell for this I'm ashamed to say, however I feel I did manage to claim back my dignity as I bent down and picked up the Imaginary card, looked at it and said, "There's been a mistake mate, this has got your name on it. . .and a picture of you bumming your dad".

Me 1 /Little Bastard 0.

[duaned]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

I was passing a group of kids today when one shouted, "Oi, You dropped your gay card.". Now I fell for this I'm ashamed to say, however I feel I did manage to claim back my dignity as I bent down and picked up the Imaginary card, looked at it and said, "There's been a mistake mate, this has got your name on it. . .and a picture of you bumming your dad".

Me 1 /Little Bastard 0.

[Fev]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

I was passing a group of kids today when one shouted, "Oi, You dropped your gay card.". Now I fell for this I'm ashamed to say, however I feel I did manage to claim back my dignity as I bent down and picked up the Imaginary card, looked at it and said, "There's been a mistake mate, this has got your name on it. . .and a picture of you bumming your dad".

Me 1 /Little Bastard 0.

ahahah!! thats awesome

[Burnout]

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by
the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just
downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to
find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what
would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he
brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it.
He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket
some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the
rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.

The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked,
"What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"

"Well, they're smart pills."

"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple
of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.

"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like
rabbit turds!!"

"See, you're getting smarter already."

[Burnout]

Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to rob a bank together. The first
blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second
blonde, Robin, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and
says to Robin, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.

You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes
with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Robin.

Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Robin. She's got a safe
wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the
safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the
security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his
ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Trisha
says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Trish. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD
and blow the SAFE!"

[pauljh74]

How many of Iran's 46.2 million voters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because 52.6 million of them are delighted with the lightbulb they've already got.
******************************

Dear President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,

Congratulations on your comprehensive victory in the Iranaian election. Unlike the rest of the world, i do not doubt your honesty and integrity in any way.

If you wish to discuss this further, please do not hesitate to contact me at Robertmugabe@gov.zim
******************************

Did you hear about the Catholic exorcism?

The mother had to call the devil to get the priest out of her son.
******************************

England have knocked India out of the 20 20 at Lords, the Indians are going home.
Trouble is the furthest any of them have to go is Leeds.
******************************

Barina drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one
******************************

It has been announced that Fiat are to buy struggling car firm, Chrysler.
Apparently the Italians made them an offer they *couldn't refuse*.
******************************

If you can't find a space in the car park just pull into the mother and baby spaces, take up 2 spaces with the boot hanging 3 feet over the back of the space.

No car park attendant will ever give it a second look.
******************************

[Jason[98.EL]]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.


The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.


After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.


I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.


Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.


She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

[FORCED F6]

What do you get when a TURK and LEBO come together?.....

TURBO

[Burnout]

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?
The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?.............

[GS608]

Originally Posted by Burnedout

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he entered him into the Brisbane Exhibition and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?
The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?.............

[pauljh74]

Teacher: Johnny, why have you not given me your homework?

Little Johnny: I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it.
*****************************

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with...... 'If Elected, I promise...'"
*****************************

Having a conversation with a woman is like being dyslexic and playing scrabble.

You can never get a word in.
*****************************

1 Gimp outfit complete with gag; £79.99
1 First class postage with "You left this in your hotel room, Miss Whiplash" note; £6.50
The look on your Ex girlfriends' parents face......Priceless!
*****************************

What has George Michael got in common with a pair of wellies?

They both get sucked off in bogs.

[Jason[98.EL]]

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.

This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee

[fpvluver]

a man walks in to a bar...........



lame lol

[FGII-XR6]

am englishman irishman and a scot walk into a bar, the barman says "what is this? some kind of joke?

[Burnout]

An American tourist in Dublin decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub
to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area... big, stately
residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO
PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a
narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a member of the Garda,
who says, "I'm afraid you can't do that here sir."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Garda, "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which
he opens.

"In there," points the Garda. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Garda "That was
really decent of you... is that what you call "Irish Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Garda, "dat is what we call the English Embassy."

[Charliewool]

A Young man called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend’s Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long ,he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriend’s sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of Knickers for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following Letter:-

Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny. In fact she hasn't needed to wash them since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Ron.

P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Charliewool]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their

new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his

wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a

couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the

dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his

wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next

day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were

done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He said that he told her

that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and

ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the

table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the

second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the

swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left

eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a

handyman.