What jokes do you know?

[Charliewool]

double post

[Burnout]

Which one would you rather have?


PARKINSONS of course!


Better to spill half your drink than forget where you put it!

[Burnout]

Ascot Vale delicatessen has a new coffee on its menu.
It's the Des Moran expresso.
It only has 3 shots, costs tuppence & is guaranteed to blow your head off.

[Burnout]

MY COUNTRY (with apologies to Dorothea Mackellar)

I love this bonzer country
This land of grog and honey of wallaby and cockatoo of shearing shed and
dunny.

Of mates like blue and wocker
of Pharlap and the Don
The kingdom of the knocker of the wowser and the con.

I love our bonzer scenery
Where the mighty gum trees soar
Tho’ our never ending deserts are a crashing Nullarbor.

And our triffic culture
such as Eddie, Kyles and Ray
While the local gourmets have the yabby and the cray.

I love this bonzer country
where the sea is full of sharks
With blowies big as eagles
Where your car gets booked by narks.

Where your team gets trounced each Saturday and your pub sells ****y beer
Where there are red backs on the toilet seat and you’re nagged by Germaine Greer.

Then there’s our recreation
tossing cans at umpires at the AFL
Or bashing opposition supporters to show we’re the “sportsmen” from hell.

And going to the dogs and trots to cheer those pounding hooves
Or sinking boots in leather into men who wear feminine shoes.

I love this bonzer country
with its F.J. utes and trousers
With its dim sims and Chiko rolls and its triple fronted houses.

Where our roads are full of speed cameras and we are stuck with the Rudds & Swans
Where all the land and business is owned by Yanks and Poms.

I love our bonzer federal government good old Kevin, Julia and Wayne
The way our debt is rising makes you think they are all insane.

And I love the liberal opposition cos they know how to oppose
They all oppose each other
So you know they are on their toes.

Hey, when you come to think of it its really not so great
On second thoughts, I’m jack of it
I think i’ll immigrate.

[DJR-351]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked,
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative,ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?''
''Yes,ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955," he replied.
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."


(Gotta love military time)

[Burnout]

Who of you has not thrilled to the story of Horatius at the bridge? How he and two
Other Romans stood off the Army of Lars Porsena until
the bridge to Rome Could be destroyed? How his companions ran to safety as
the bridge began to Fall? How Horatius, only after the
bridge was down, quit his post and swam The Tiber to safety? Here is a
translation of a papyrus found recently which Requested an
award for Horatius:

.................................................. .....................
Rome, II Calends, April CCCLX
SUBJECT: Recommendation for Senate Medal of Honour
TO: Department of War, Republic of Rome
I. Recommend Caius Horatius, Captain of Foot, CMCMXIV, for the Senate Medal
Of Honour.

II. Captain Horatius has served XVI years, all honourable.

III. On the II day of March, during the attack on the city by Lars Porsena
Of Clausium and his Tuscan Army of CMX men, Captain
Horatius, with Sergeant Sporius Laritus and Corporal Julius Herminius, held
the entire Tuscan army At the far end of the bridge,
until the structure could be destroyed, Thereby saving the city.

IV. Captain Horatius did valiantly fight and kill one Major Picus of
Clausium in individual combat.

V. The exemplary courage and the outstanding leadership of Captain Horatius
Are in the highest tradition of the Roman Army.

JULIUS ANTINOUS,
Commander, II Foot Legion

***************
Ist, Ind, AG IV Calends, April CCCLX
TO: G-III

For comment.

********
IInd Ind, G-III IX Calends, May CCC
TO: G-II

I. For comment and forwarding.

II. Change end of paragraph III from "saving the city" to "lessened the
Effectiveness of the enemy attack." The Roman Army was well
dispersed Tactically; the reserve has not been committed. The phrase as
written might Be construed to cast aspersions on our fine
army.

III. Change paragraph V from "outstanding leadership" to read "commendable
Initiative." Captain Horatius command was II men, only
I/IV of a squad.

J.D.
********

IIId Ind, G-II II Ides, June CCCLX
TO: G-I

I. Omit strength of Tuscan forces in paragraph III. This information is
Classified.

II. A report evaluated as B-II states that the officer was a Captain Picus
Of Tifernum. Recommend change to "an officer of the enemy
forces."

J.H.
********
IVth Ind, G-I IX Ides, January CCCLXI
TO: JAG

I. Full name is Caius Claudius Horatius.

II. Change service from XVI to XV years. One year in Romulus Chapter BPOE,
Has been given credit for military service in error.

E.J.

********
Vth Ind, JAG II, February CCCLXI
TO: AG

I. The Porsena raid was not during wartime; the temple of Janus was closed.

II. The action against the Porsena raid, ipso facto, was a police action.

III. The Senate Medal of Honour cannot be awarded in peacetime
AB/CVIII-XXV, paragraph XII, C).

IV. Suggest consideration for Soldier's Medal.

P.B.

********
VIth Ind, AF IV Calends, April CCCLXI
TO: G-I

Concur in paragraph IV, Vth Ind.

L.J.

********
VIIth Ind, G-I I May CCCLXI
TO: AG

Soldier's medal is given for saving lives; suggest star of bronze as
Appropriate.

E.J.
********


VIIIth Ind, JAG II Calends, June CCCLXI
TO: JAG
For opinion.

G.C.

********

IXth Ind, JAG II Calends, September CCCLXI

I. XVIII months have elapsed since event described in basic letter. Star of
Bronze cannot be awarded after XV months have elapsed.

II. Officer is eligible for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

P.B.
********
X Ind, AG I Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-I

For draft of citation for Papyrus Scroll with Metal Pendant.

P.B.

********
XI Ind, G-I III Calends, October CCCLXI
TO: G-II

I. Do not concur.

II. Our currently fine relations with Tuscany would suffer and current
Delicate negotiations might be jeopardized if publicity were
given to Captain Horatius' actions at this time.

T.J.

********
XII Ind, G-II VI November CCCLXI
TO: G-I
A report rated D-IV, partially verified, states that Lars Porsena is very
Sensitive about the Horatius affair.

E.T.
********
XIIIth Ind, G-I X November CCCLXI
TO: AG

I. In view of information contained in preceding XI and XIII the
Endorsements, you will prepare immediate orders of Captain C. C.
Horatius to One of our overseas stations (remote).

II. His attention will be directed to paragraph XII, POM, which prohibits
Interviews or conversations with newsmen prior to arrival
at final Destination.

L.T.
********
Rome II Calends, I April CCCLXII
SUBJECT: Survey, Report of, and Department of War
TO: Captain Caius Caius Horatius, III Legion, V Phalanx, APO XIX, C/O
Postmaster, Rome.

I. Your statements concerning the loss of your shield and sword in the
Tiber River of III March CCCLX have been carefully
considered.

II. It is admitted that you were briefly in action against certain
Unfriendly elements on that day. However, Sergeant Lartius and
Corporal Herminius were in the same action and did not lose any government
property.

III. The Finance Officer has been directed to reduce your next pay by
II-I/IV talents (I-III/IV talents cost on each sword,
officers; III/IV Talent cost of one each shield, M-II).

IV. You are enjoined and admonished to pay strict attention to conservation
Of government funds and property. The budget must be
balanced next year.

H. MARCUS AURELIUS
Lieutenant of Horse
Survey Officer

[Walt Kowalski]

This is an old joke and I have told it before but it it such a goodie that I had to tell it again. Holden

[AndrewR_AUII]

Just heard that HRT are releasing new POLO shirts for the Bathurst 1000...

P*** On Lap One....

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by Walt Kowalski

This is an old joke and I have told it before but it it such a goodie that I had to tell it again. Holden

AND just a few pages back.

[Burnout]

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his mother used to do

[FGII-XR6]

Kevin Rudd was out jogging one morning along the Harbour pathway near
Kirribilli House in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in
the water below.

Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing
pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid
said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD'

Kevin said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Prime Minister's
airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers.'

Kevin said, 'I'll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
stereo headset!'

Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like
you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from
drowning!'

[FGII-XR6]

Barber Shop

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, ' I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left
the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ' thank
you ' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week. The policeman is happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ' thank you '
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week. The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop..

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ' thank you '
card and a dozen different books, such as ' How to Improve Your Business '
and ' Becoming More Successful. '

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to
pay his bill the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week. The Member of Parliament is very
happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members
of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
citizens and Politicians

[FGII-XR6]

Mums in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

[FGII-XR6]

Kiwi walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The
wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't
such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous ( B word that means female dog) ,you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Jason[98.EL]]

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.




He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence




He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"




He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her 'husband' on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,




Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.




He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.




As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,he became even more apprehensive than usual.




Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:




"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"

[Rob's 76 Effy]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine

and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital,

he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years,

but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against

the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[Rob's 76 Effy]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, ‘I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?’
‘Good question’ noted the Rabbi.
‘We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.’
‘Oh’ replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

‘What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?’
‘Ah yes’ replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ‘We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.’
‘I see’ replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

‘Well, Rabbi’ he went on, ‘what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?’
Here, too, we do not waste’ answered the Rabbi…
‘What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.’

[Rob's 76 Effy]

The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.


The old lady thinks:

The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.


The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.


The Kiwi thinks:

The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.


The Australian thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[Rob's 76 Effy]

Cyber sex at it's best, stummbled across while read other stuff on this site

wizer: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

wizer: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

wizer: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

wizer: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

wizer: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

wizer: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

wizer: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

wizer: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

wizer: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

wizer: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

wizer: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

wizer: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

wizer: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

wizer: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

wizer: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

wizer: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

wizer: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

wizer: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

wizer: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

wizer: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

wizer: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.


wizer: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

wizer: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

wizer: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.

wizer: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

wizer: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

wizer: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

wizer: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

wizer: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

wizer: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

wizer: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

wizer: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my *** back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

wizer: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

wizer: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

wizer: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

wizer: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

wizer: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

wizer: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: (logged off)



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bloodninja's was better...

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't with me , I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

bloodninja: Baby?

-------------------

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.

j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.

j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.

bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.

j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.

j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They charge your ***.

j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.

bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ***.

bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.

j_gurli3: thats it.

bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?

eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.

BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.

eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.

BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.

BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.

eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: What the , I told you not to message me again.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you up.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

[burnz]

the Mc jackson burger.
50 yearold meat in between 10 yearold bun's.

[grandpa_spec_F6]

Well it only took 4 hours after the death of 'The King of Pop' before I received these:

Michael Jackson passed away this morning from a masive heart attack. Authorities have released a statment saying that they will melt his body down and make plastic toys so kids can play with him for a change.


Michale Jackson has died of a heart attack:

I wonder what caused it?
Don't blame it on the Sunshine
Don't blame it on the Moonlight
Don't blame it on the Good Times,

Blame it on the boogie!


I wonder if they used the defibrilator? Cus they wanna be starting something!

Scientists have protested a request to have michael jackson cremated due to toxic fumes, his family said keep his nose out of your business

[Hords]

Originally Posted by grandpa_spec_au

Well it only took 4 hours after the death of 'The King of Pop' before I received these:

Michael Jackson passed away this morning from a masive heart attack. Authorities have released a statment saying that they will melt his body down and make plastic toys so kids can play with him for a change.


Michale Jackson has died of a heart attack:

I wonder what caused it?
Don't blame it on the Sunshine
Don't blame it on the Moonlight
Don't blame it on the Good Times,

Blame it on the boogie!


I wonder if they used the defibrilator? Cus they wanna be starting something!

Scientists have protested a request to have michael jackson cremated due to toxic fumes, his family said keep his nose out of your business

Go here for more...

[95frd]

A young couple moved into a new neighbour hood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbour hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

[Burnout]

An Irishman found a subway sandwich in the gutter with two red wires
sticking out of it, he phones the police emergency line and the
conversation went like this ...

Paddy...." I think a Shi'ite has been in the gutter"

Operator..."Well Sir! dogs often do that"

Paddy....." No Sir! You don't understand, I've found a sandwich with two
red wires sticking out of it, help me bejesus, I think it's a bomb"

Operator..." Is it tickin?"

Paddy......" No Sir, I think it's beef"

[DJR-351]

In a small town on the South Coast of France, the holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.

Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich American tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro 100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients. At that moment, the rich American is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.

COULD THIS BE A SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis?

If only....

[Burnout]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for
another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?'
The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home.'

[Breezed]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Burnout]

A JEWISH TALE -- OF FOUR JEWISH SONS AND A MOTHER
Four Jewish brothers left home for college,
and eventually,
they became successful doctors, and lawyers --
and prospered.

Some years later,
they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother,
who lived far away in another city.

The first said,
'I had a big house built for Mama'.

The second said,
'I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house.

The third said,
'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.'

The fourth said,
'Listen to this.
You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and
you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well.

I met this Rabbi
who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year
for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse
and the parrot will recite it.'

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays
Mama sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:

Milton -- Bubelle,
the house you built is so huge,
I live in only one room,
but I have to clean the whole house.
Thanks anyway.

Marvin -- Mine Sheyne Kindele
I am too old to travel. I stay home.
I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes
and the driver you hired is a Nazi.
The thought was good.
Thanks.

Menachim -- Tataleh,
you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound,
it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead.
I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind.
I'll never use it.
Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin --
you were the only son to have the good sense
to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious.

[rodderz]

A man asks a blonde if his indicator lights are working

"no! yes! no! yes! no! yes! hang on.... yes! no!"

[Iggypoppin']

a man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He enjoys his beer for some time, until a voice reaches his ears, "mate, love your haircut". Perplexed, he looks around, and sees only the regulars at the far end of the bar. Deciding it might have been someone leaving, he continues drinking. Not too long after, he hears the voice again, "nice shirt buddy, goes with the hair". Truly bewildered he calls over the barman and asks him what's going on, who's talking to him? The barman looks at him then points at a bowl on the bar, "don't stress mate-that's just the complimentary peanuts".