What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a
little proofreading would provide.

* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all
the way from Africa.

* Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."

* Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

* Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
your
own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon
tonight:"Searching for Jesus"

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help
they can get.

* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much
about you.

* Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person(s) you want remembered.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and
gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[Jason[98.EL]]

Preparing For A Senior Wedding


Jacob, Age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all Excited about their decision to get married. They go for a Stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

*Jacob addresses the man behind The counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

*Jacob: "We're about to Get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds

*Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

*Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

*Jacob: "Medicine for memory Problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

*Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and Canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

*Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

*Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[Jason[98.EL]]

Sweet little poem




A fart is a pleasant thing...
It gives the belly ease...
It warms the bed in winter...
And suffocates the fleas.




A fart can be quiet...
A fart can be loud...
Some leave a powerful...
Poisonous cloud




A fart can be short...
Or a fart can be long...
Some farts have been known...
To sound like a song.....




A fart can create...
A most curious medley...
A fart can be harmless...
Or silent...and deadly.




A fart might not smell...
While others are vile...
A fart may pass quickly...
Or linger a while...



A fart can occur...
In a number of places...
And leave everyone there...
With strange looks on their faces.


From wide-open prairie...
To small elevators...
A fart will find all of...
Us sooner or later.


But farts are all bad...
Is simply not true...
We must never forget...
Sweet old farts like you!

[bodes-sh]

CHEWING GUM!


An Australian man was having a coffee and
croissants with butter and jam in a cafe

when an American tourist, chewing gum,

sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American,

who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said,

'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being

bothered during his breakfast, and replied,
'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't.

In the States, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container,

recycle them, transform them into
croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face.

The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with

your bread?' Sighing, the Australian

replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the

American said, 'we don't. In the States,
we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we

put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers

in containers, recycle them, transform them
into jam and sell it to Australia ..


The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex

in the States?' The American smiled and said

'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned

closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do

with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down

into chewing gum and sell them to the

United States .

Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

[bodes-sh]

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,” says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.”

[pauljh74]

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug.
**********************************

"Pope breaks wrist after falling."

Falling? Yeah right. I think it's more likely the result of a lifetime of abstinence.
**********************************

My wife filed for a divorce last Sunday after she came in from one of those classes she goes to.
"Maureen says her husband always treats her with respect, always hugs her and always writes her poems. Why don't you ever write me poems?"
My reply: "Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The Ashes are on,
And there's hoovering to do."
***********************************

You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
***********************************

[Burnout]

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is
just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You
can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water
park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never
have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, Tux
rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut,
blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. It gets better.... or
worse, depending on your gender;

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your
own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your
underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than
enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to
see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original
color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck. It gets even more extreme;

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big
hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can
wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You
can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[pauljh74]

An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman were boasting about how famous their uncles were.

'My uncle is a bishop,' said The Englishman, 'and when he walks down The street, everybody says, "Your Lordship".'

'My uncle is a cardinal,' said The Scotsman, 'and when he walks down The street everybody says, "Your Eminence".'

'My uncle,' said The American, "weighs twenty-seven stone, and when he walks down The street everybody says, "Jesus Christ!".
************************************

There are rumours that there has been a heated exchange between Prince Harry and his 'father' Prince Charles, it is claimed the arguement nearly came to blows.

An insider said "When Camilla turned up... things got really ugly"

[FGII-XR6]

who said life is fair

[Burnout]

HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT GLOBE AT...
----------------------------------------------------------

Scotch College: Two - one to call the electrician and one to call daddy
to pay the bill

Wesley College: Two - one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician

Kildara: Eleven - one to change the light globe and ten to share the
experience

Melbourne Grammar: Two - One to change the light globe and one to crack
under the pressure

Melbourne High: Only one, but he gets six credits for it!

Uni High: Seventy-six - one to change the light globe, fifty to protest
the light globe's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold
a counter protest

Mount Scopus: None ... Burwood Haven looks better in the dark

M.L.C: One - she holds the globe and the world revolves around her

Carey: Five - one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs
changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Melbourne
using that nuked light globe, two to install it, and one to write
the computer program that controls the wall switch

MacRob: Eleven - one to screw it in and ten to support its sexual
orientation

Balwyn High: Three - one to change it and two to figure out how to
get high off the old one.

Melbourne Uni: Four - one to change it, one to call Parliament about
their progress, and two to throw the old globe at the
Monash students

Camberwell High: Two - one to change the globe and the other to say loudly
how she did it as well as a private school student

College of the Arts: Five- one to change the globe and four to do an
interpretive dance about it

De La Salle: None - they're all too drunk to notice

Sienna: One - but you would never know about it because only M.L.C and
P.L.C get publicity for changing their light globes.

[pauljh74]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband came home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She shoved him into the closet, stark naked. The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?"
The man looked down at himself and said,......
"Those little bastards!"
***********************************

Me and the wife, were putting our 6 year old daughter to bed, the night before my birthday. And my wife said, don’t forget to say a Prayer for daddy.

She said:

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies, in Daddy's computer,
Amen."
***********************************

Statistically... 9/10 men are only watching The Half-Blood Prince to see how Hermione is coming along.
***********************************

I'll never forget the my Grandad's last words of wisdom before he died...

'I'm not dipping my headlights before he does!'
***********************************

I'm with the other P.E.T.A.
People for the Eating of Tasty Animals

[FGII-XR6]

Two blondes walk into a building.......... You'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a Look at him' So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going
to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.

[FGII-XR6]

........

[FGII-XR6]

.....

[FGII-XR6]

......




.

[FGII-XR6]

fondling in bed

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

.....

Trouble is, you can only have it once.

[FGII-XR6]

no you can have a new one every day

Originally Posted by AndrewR_AUII

Trouble is, you can only have it once.

[Burnout]

Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.

In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her,
the psychic delivered the bad news;

"There is no easy way to say this so I"ll be blunt, prepare yourself to be
a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, and then looked down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to go ahead and
ask the question she simply had to know.

She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked ...

"Will I get away with it?"

[Burnout]

In a restroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In another office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,
ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1st FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD
FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO
GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE
DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[Velociraptor82]

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?

Q: How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know I only get paid $5 an hour to do this, and I don't know why I always have to do everybody else's work anyway.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but it takes nine visits.

[FGII-XR6]

The maid's pay increase

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

[deesun]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only
one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he
started shouting in the middle of the show,

"Look, It's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The
magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found
himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate
would have it... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...
and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back
any longer and said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the f**&%%n' ship?"

[Fev]

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's *** with your flag!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

[Fev]

Jokes about the differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Candadians
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.


Americans: Drink weak, ****y-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, ****y-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting .
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!


Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.


Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.


Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.


Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

[Fev]

Aussie stuck on a deserted island..

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.
The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.
Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new
found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!

[vztrt]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

.................................................. ..............

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[Burnout]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an
unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot,
named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the
perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet."
was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet
began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held
another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and
the air was filled with " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she
was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" No, the young man replied,
"But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his
lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown
him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved
the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent
Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the
lighter between his legs?" The man did not know" Let's try it," he
answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between
Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little
parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[sarrge2001]

New Zealand...

The only place in the world where the locals can get great sex.....

a nice roast......

and a really nice knitted jumper.....

all from the same animal.

[FGII-XR6]

Proof reading a dying art
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian

Takes Over What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A while

Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
---------------- ---------------------------------

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
---------------- ---------------------------------

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?