What jokes do you know?

[Ohio XB]

In these hard times a guy offered me a job circumsizing elephants. He said the pay wasn't very good but the tips are big.


Steve

[Fled74]

Found this on the Whiteline website (I live in Melb and this is so damn true it's not even funny).

How to drive in Melbourne
by Vic Rhodes
To our Melbourne customers we apologise but this really applies to any big city in the world. Mind you, being from Sydney, every time I drive in Melbourne I find…..

Indicators - the sole purpose of indicators is to annoy people. Ideally, when suddenly changing lanes, they should not be used at all. If you feel you must use them when you cut someone up, wait until you are completely in the new lane then flash your indicator once. If someone from out of town makes the mistake of indicating before changing lanes, accelerate hard into the gap and give them a look as if to say "what are going to do next, molest my children?" Always indicate the wrong way when going round roundabouts.

Lanes - the general rule is to drive in any lane you feel like but to drive fast in the slow lane and slow in the fast lane is preferred.

Overtaking - overtaking is the purpose of life. If somebody overtakes you, go home and shoot yourself.

Wear a baseball cap when you drive - this makes your car go faster

Always wear sunglasses - even at night.

Handbrake - the handbrake should never be used and the major manufacturers are thinking of removing it from Australian cars.
If possible fit extra brake lights/strips so you can really blind the driver behind you when stopped at traffic lights.

Types of car - Men should drive either a Holden Commodore or a Ford Falcon, preferably a ute. People with no willy should drive a smaller, more effeminate car. However this gives every right to Commodore and Falcon drivers to pretend your car is invisible and drive accordingly. People who live in the inner south-eastern suburbs such as Toorak should drive four wheel drive vehicles as these areas are prone to heavy snow falls and mud-slides.

U-turns - try to fit a few u-turns into your journey however unnecessary they are.

Trucks - don't screw with trucks. Cars are on a par with cigarette butts in the urinal to them - mere playthings. Most truck drivers drool and are incapable of eating a meal that involves using a knife and fork.

Traffic Lights - a red light doesn't actually mean stop unless you would be the fifth car to go through. Never wait for the lights to change to green as you can usually creep to the other side of the junction without anybody noticing. When the green finally comes put your foot to the floor so you can arrive at the next red light before anybody else. Just before you stop at the red light, change lanes as often as possible. The police award commendations to drivers who manage to change lanes 4 times and get back in the original lane even if it is just to get ahead of one car.

Giving way - never give way, as it is a sign of weakness. If someone gives way to you never acknowledge it. Instead give them a dirty look as they are probably a homosexual trying to pick you up, a communist or a supporter of gun law reform.

Taxis - taxi drivers own the roads so can do whatever they want to. Despite this they will never take the most direct route to where you want to go. After all, how can they think about directions when they are gesticulating at other road users and swearing at the passengers in Greek/Italian/Liberian because you have caused them miss a trip to the airport.

[jaydee]

The Australian cricket team.

[deesun]

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[homegrown]

Why is that time of the month called PMS?
Because mad cow desease was already taken.

[Velociraptor82]

Originally Posted by Fled74

Handbrake - the handbrake should never be used and the major manufacturers are thinking of removing it from Australian cars.

i'm a step ahead of you on that one. lol

[Burnout]

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are
asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well, I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me' - and it worked! From then on, it was
sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got
thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are
you going to help?' I said 'No ... six should be enough."

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they
don't understand ... such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before ...

[AndrewR_AUII]

Burndedout,
I suffer from Diarrhoea and Deja Vu at the same time... I feel I've heard this Bull .... before (this condition is sometimes called Deja Moo).

[ltd]

A priest was invited to go fishing by 2 of his parishioners Mr Smith and Mr Turner and wanting to try new things, he agreed. The next Saturday at 7am he was picked up outside the presbytery, and they were on there way.
Out on the water, they weren't catching anything and after several hours Mr Smith suggested they call it a day. All of a sudden, the priests rod violently bent over on itself indicating a very large fish indeed. Encouraged by Smith and Turner enthusiasm, the priest pulled for all he was worth.
Struggling for 30 mins, he landed what appeared to be a 6 or more kilogram Red Snapper. All three of them astonished, Turner forgot himself and chanted "Look at the size of that F***er!.
The priest instantly retorted; "Turner, I don't appreciate the language" to which Turner replied "Um.... No father I wasn't swearing, I was describing the breed of fish. Here father, I'll clean it for you". "Many thanks my son" repliued the priest.

After coming ashore, they headed back for the presbytery. The priest said his goodbyes and headed inside with his prize catch. Mrs Athol the assistant was in the house and she instantly complimented father on the fish "My my father, it certainly is a big fish". The priest replied; "Yes, it is indeed a wonderful f***er". Instantly Mrs Athol was shocked and remarked "Father, how could you talk like that" to which he replied "No no Mrs Athol, that is the breed of fish, that's infact its name. Perculiar isn't it?" "yes. I'll cook it for you" she replied.

As it was getting on, Mrs Athol was just bringing in the cooked fish to the dining table as well as other fare, when the priest came down to enjoy his dinner. As he sat down, the doorbell rang. Sure enough, it was an unscheduled visit from the pope. Dropping to his knees, the priest took the popes hand, kissed it and said "your eminance, such a pleasure to meet you, how can I be of service?" The pope replied; "My son stand up, I am here to make sure that our priests are happy and being looked after. Continue doing what you are doing, I am only here to observe". Forgetting himself for a minute, he asked the priest "Father, we are just about to eat. Would you like to share some food with us?" The pope was famished after the trip from Rome, so he agreed. Stepping into the dining room the pope sat down, and Mrs Athol brought him a plate. Surveying the table the pope said "My, what a lovely fish. How on earth did you come by it?" The priest replied "I caught the f***er, Mr Turner cleaned the f***er and Mrs Athol cooked the f***er". Mrs Athol nodded her head in agreement.

The pope sat there astonished for a moment, kicked out his chair, took his hat off, put his feet up on the table, pulled out a cigar and llit it. Looking at both of them he said "You know what? Youse c**ts are alright"

[Fev]

bahahaha

[Iggypoppin']

Hahaha. Ltd that's pure gold.

[WOTDAH]

Good email I just got

Why Australia is in Trouble

The population of this country is 20 million.

11 million are retired.

That leaves 9 million to do the work.

There are 5 million in school

Which leaves 4 million to do the work.

Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 2 million to do the work.

0.1 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 1.9 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 1.5 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 0.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals.

Leaving 381,200 to do the work.

Now, there are 380,198 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your a$$,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

[Fev]

reading that joke kinda reminds me how small we are as a country - population size anyway

[burnz]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a couple of sideways glances, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton "your turn".

Elton starts crying!

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head wont fit through the railings"

[burnz]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

[FGII-XR6]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth,and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be a politician . . . . .

[Burnout]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts
and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk
and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length
of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which
is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly
beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves,
as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of
bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking
quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another
male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just
to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated
and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men
standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring
up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man
"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin."

[LANKY 1]

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known
as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below,
one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online
chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex.
Then again, maybe he does....

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and
high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect.
My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and
I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart.
I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on
it from dinner. It's smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on
the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up
into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.
My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it
off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.
The cool silk slides off my warm skin.
I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally
rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung:I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
My soft breasts are rising and falling,
as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.
I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...
I'm reaching back undoing the clasp.
The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts.
My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby.
I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.
Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered
with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with
the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.
I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman.Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going
all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat.
I'm choking!

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.
I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup.
Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the
cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom.
Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning.
I want you so badly

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our
naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face.
It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them.
I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly
across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around
for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush
handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your
laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now,
blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...
in your... you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I
kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my *** back and forth, moaning. I can't
stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around,
an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener
is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting
on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night
table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking
over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse.
Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God!
One of our candles fell on the curtain.
The curtain is on fire!
I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!

Sweetheart: Bye!!!


Edit: After reading it again, it should prolly be deleted

[deesun]

^^^^ Nah just right, not too hot not too cold. Funny as. There is far worse in here and some should have been deleted but because it is called humour it is acceptable. Anyway keep em coming.

[pauljh74]

What's the best thing about the new Internet Explorer?

You can use it to download Firefox.
*********************************

Girl says to boyfriend
"You make love like you decorate"
He replies
"What ......slow with smooth strokes and a professional finish?"
"No" she replies "more like the council. You just bang it up, leave a right mess and I have to finish the job myself!"

[homegrown]

Crappy golf players make better lovers.
They take more strokes.

[Fev]

"I put on my robe and wizard hat!...."

[Falcon Coupe]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever and evil.

Don't mess with them.

[SB076]

Got this today - its probably done some rounds but will post up here for those who havent seen it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Bunnings customers.

This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Bunnings.
Simply going out to get home building supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way they start undressing.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you while the other one steals your wallet!!

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th.
Also June 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. K-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.
I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Crazy Clarkes and bought them out.
Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds.
I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Bunnings.

[Burnout]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs
the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site
is ten miles away, so--being tortoises--it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les, give me the
bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a
bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses, saying,
"No way. As soon as I'm out of sight you guys will eat all the sandwiches."

After arguing for two hours, and after Mick and Alan have sworn on their
tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, Les finally agrees. So
he sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving,
but a tortoise promise is a tortoise promise.

Another five days pass and he still isn't back, but a tortoise promise is a
tortoise promise. Finally, they can't take it any longer so they take out a
sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind
a rock and shouts ...

"I KNEW it! I'm bloody well NOT going!"

[gtfpv]

what did the dolphin say when it swam into the whale.
sorry , i didn't do it on porpose...

[gtfpv]

Originally Posted by Falcon Coupe

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever and evil.

Don't mess with them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA LOL ! OMG that is funny.

[homegrown]

How do you know when your at a Jewish house?
They have toilet paper on the clotheslines.

Whats a delema for a Jew?
Free Ham.

[homegrown]

How do you know a blonde has had a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pen.

[big-e]

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"