What jokes do you know? - Page 50

Fev · 28-09-2009, 08:47 AM

^grrrr lol

Reaper8 · 28-09-2009, 09:21 AM

An Irishman, Chinaman , Cuban and an Aussie are on a train.
The Cuban pulls out a big hand rolled cigar and lights it has a couple of puffs and throws it out the window, everyone looks at him and ask's why did you do that. he replies im cuban we got plenty of that where i come from.
The Irishman pulls out a bottle of wisky and has a couple of sips, throws it out the window and says got plenty of that where i come from.
The Chinaman pulls out some rice has a couple mouthfulls throws it out the window and says got plenty where i come from.
The Aussie gets up not to be outdone picks up the chinaman and throws him out the window and says GOT PLENTY OF THEM WHERE I COME FROM.

Reaper8 · 28-09-2009, 09:30 AM

Two blondes standing in line outside a nite club.
One says to the other whats further london or the moon.
The second looks at the sky and says to the other daaaa can you see london.

Reaper8 · 28-09-2009, 09:41 AM

Little Johnny is at a millionairs party, There all out the back and the millionaire says "I have a saltwater croc in my pool i will give anyone a million dollars to wrestle it". No-one takes it up so they turn around and about to walk back inside when they hear a splash.
Everyone spins around and see little johnny wrestling the croc. After a couple of min the croc floats to the surface dead. Little Johnny gets out of the pool and the millionaire walks up to him and says "that was great come and i will give you a cheque for a million dollars".
Johnny says "i dont want your money".
Millionaire says "I will give you my rolex and my new porche in the shed".
Johnny says "I dont want your money or your watch or your car".
Millionaire says "well you must want somethin just name it".
Johnny says "I want the name of the bastard that pushed me into the pool".

XR6_661 · 28-09-2009, 09:46 AM

LOCO XP · 28-09-2009, 03:25 PM

Fev · 28-09-2009, 03:29 PM

Lulwut?

burnz · 28-09-2009, 05:46 PM

cat of the night

**Burnout** · 30-09-2009, 02:34 PM

BREAKING NEWS:
Authorities have found the source of the Dust Storm that plagued New South Wales and Queensland the other day.

Some fool opened the New South Wales State of Origin Trophy Cabinet!!!!!!!!!!!

ltd · 30-09-2009, 03:31 PM

A woman has just taken a bath, and is drying herself with a towel when her 10 year old son walks in. Embarrassed, she tries to cover herself when her son says; "hey mummy, what's that?" pointing at the obvious. Trying to avoid any crudity or bring about the inevitable conversation of 'where babies come from', she blurts out; "it's where your daddy hit me with an axe". Her young son replies, "Geez what a shot, he got you right in the c**t".

**Burnout** · 30-09-2009, 07:13 PM

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose..

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose.. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."

vztrt · 30-09-2009, 08:08 PM

Saw this down Springvale rd a few weeks back.

pauljh74 · 30-09-2009, 10:19 PM

They're bringing out a new Barbie doll called "Internet Barbie", which is really a fat guy claiming to be a hot blonde.
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I was walking past a building site, when one of the builders shouted "Your tie looks stupid, get a blue one."

I hate constructive criticism.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger was upset last Easter 'cos he didnt get any eggs...His secretary said to him "Does this mean you hate easter now Mr Governor?" "NO!" He replied "A-still-love-easter baby!!"
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**Burnout** · 01-10-2009, 05:05 PM

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeeeze a jolly good fellow."

FGII-XR6 · 02-10-2009, 11:51 AM

Global economic meltdown!
A sign of things to come?

FGII-XR6 · 02-10-2009, 11:58 AM

I just broke up with this cross-eyed bird. I thought she was seeing someone
else.

There are only two times in a man's life when we don't understand
women...before marriage and then again after marriage.

When you're girlfriend asks, "Does my bum look big in this?" Never reply,
"The dress or the room?"

Apparently women have far cleaner minds than men. Hardly surprising as they
change them every five minutes of the day!

FGII-XR6 · 02-10-2009, 11:59 AM

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to
the starving people throughout the world.

I told them where to go!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!

FGII-XR6 · 02-10-2009, 11:59 AM

Saw an old friend of mine the other day, so I asked him how things were.

He told me that things were bad ... his missus wasn't talking to him.

I saw him again today & asked how things were now.

He said they were worse.

I asked him to share his feelings as to how worse things could get.

He said that she was now talking to him ...

Need I say more!

FGII-XR6 · 02-10-2009, 12:13 PM

IN THE BEGINNING, God created heaven and earth. However, HE was almost
immediately faced with a class action suit for failure to file an
environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for
the project, but was then stymied with a cease and desist order for the
earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project
in the first place. HE replied that he just liked to be creative.

HE then added, "Let there be light!", but immediately the officials
demanded to know HOW the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.

HE was then granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that
no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that he would obtain a
building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light half the
time. God agreed to this, adding that he would call the light DAY and
the darkness NIGHT. Officials replied that they were not interested in
semantics.

God then said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many,"
adding, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the
fowl that may fly over the earth".

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of
Game, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation, and the
Audobangelic Society. Everything then seemed to be okay - until HE said
he wanted to complete the project in six days.

Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application
and impact statement. Following this, there would need be a public
hearing. Then there would be a further 10 to 12 months before ...

At this point, God created Hell.

FGII-XR6 · 02-10-2009, 12:15 PM

A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son
to college

Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee.

When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his
photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: "Fascinating,
no? Don't I perhaps look like a count?"

"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on
your education and you can't even SPELL!"

**Charliewool** · 02-10-2009, 01:22 PM

Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find themselves in
Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're getting on and finds
them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....
"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.
Bruce says "Oh mate..we're from Australia ...we love the heat. It's just
like a summer's day."

Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat up
to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from the heat
and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back in on the two
Aussies.

He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie,
knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets, laughing
and chatting.

"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil.
Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually
enjoying it!"

"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's actually
nice to have some dry heat for a change"
The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking about it
for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the heat so much,
he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night without heat, Hell
is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if the residents were
unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly miserable from the cold.

The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds them
jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the time of
their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams "WHAT IS
GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"
Kev says...Mate, don't you know? Hell's frozen over!...Collingwood must have
won the Premiership!

xrford · 02-10-2009, 02:07 PM

Two mates are on the roof of a building one of them says "watch this".... he throws a brick off the roof and yells "FALLING BRICK".... the brick smashes on the gound.
He hands a brick to his mate who has a chronic stutter, he then throws the brick off and yells "F.......F......F.....F....F..u.c.k........... i hit him!

Jason[98.EL] · 03-10-2009, 09:38 AM

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Jason[98.EL] · 03-10-2009, 09:40 AM

Wheelie bin!!!

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins in Melbourne Australia, and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer..

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No! no! mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"

Jason[98.EL] · 03-10-2009, 09:49 AM

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours" .
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.

Follow that guy, and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?"
Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said, "Your house."

Jason[98.EL] · 03-10-2009, 09:52 AM

Hoon loses control in Drifting Mishap!

The message just isn't getting through!

wbb54 · 03-10-2009, 10:22 AM

A blonde walks in a electrical shop ,says to the salesman: " I'd like to buy that TV:, the salesman replies : " sorry we don't serve blondes in here".
She walks out, comes back the next day wearing a brunette wig and says:" I would like to buy that TV", salesman retorts: " sorry we don't serve blondes here". The next day she walks in wearing a red wig, she had a spray tan new make up, the lot. she says: " I want that TV", salesman give her same reply. She looks at him bewildered and says: " come on man, how do you am a blonde?" to this the salesman replies: " it's not a TV it's a microwave"..

:

**Burnout** · 03-10-2009, 11:41 AM

They've done it again:
Saints this time...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ4HQ...layer_embedded

And some Classic Hoges:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pX6MtWRGW3M

csv8 · 07-10-2009, 09:39 AM

THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....

And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning,sleeping

and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming > > and BBQ's on the beach,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...
Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

Jason[98.EL] · 07-10-2009, 11:01 AM

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.