What jokes do you know?

[DJR-351]

Old Drivers?

As a senior citizen was driving down the M6 his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, Albert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M6 Please be careful!
"That's right," said Albert, "but it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Old Lady Driving on Motorway. Sitting on the side of the motorway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 25 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." Slower than the speed limit? No, officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-five miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M 25 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off the A 127."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to a junction.. The lights were at red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself " I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes, they came to another junction. and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next junction..

At the next junction., sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. S o, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?

[TheInterceptor]

A Toyota Camry Taxi!!

[T3man]

I'll start off with one ...

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said:

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

[AdzT3-146]

haha that's gold

[FGII-XR6]

Thank you for shopping @ K-Mart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My
elbow hurts like the dIckens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at K Mart . Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it.

It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to K Mart.

He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2... Avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ K Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to K Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10,
pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

Thank you for shopping @ K Mart

[Fev]

hahahaha thats a great one!

[FGII-XR6]

His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone
to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine
plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in
the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and
make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he
responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?

[ltd]

A traveling salesman is going from house to house, knocking on doors and trying to sell his wares, when he walks up to a nice house and knocks on the door.
The door opens, and standing before him is a 10 year old boy with a lit cigar in one hand, and a big glass of brandy in the other. The salesman says; "good afternoon, are your mother and father home" to which the kid replies "What the #@&* do you think?"

[pauljh74]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,
'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

[AUTE5O]

:
still laughing!!!!!!
Good one Jeff!

[AUTE5O]

OK.. one from me.

There were two golfers on the golf course.
One of the men pulled out a cigarette and asked his mate for a light.
His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" " Oh, my Genie got it for me"."Your Genie! Have you really got a Genie? Where is he?"
"He's in my golf bag"
The friend says "Can I see him?"
"Sure" says his mate.
So his friend looks in the golf bag and out comes the Genie.
The man says to the Genie, " I am your masters best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?"
The Genie says 'Yes, but just one wish"
So the man wished for a million bucks. The Genie says nothing, and slowly disappears back into the golf bag, without saying a word. Pretty soon the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. he man looks up and sees a million ducks flying over. The bloke gets really upset and says 'Whats the matter with your Genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million BUCKS! Not a million ducks!"
His friend turns to him and says "Do you really think I asked him for a twelve inch Bic?"

[Burnout]

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the
bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Bourbon," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blow job."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing
will."

[Jason[98.EL]]

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat .

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

[balthazarr]

A flasher goes up to three nuns... two had a stroke, the third was too slow.

Q. What's green and smells like pork?
A. Kermit's finger.

Q. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A. Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

Q. How many men does it take to make popcorn?
A. Three. One to hold the pan and two to act macho and shake the stove.

Q. What's yellow and lives off dead Beatles?
A. Yoko Ono.

[DJR-351]

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken !!

[Burnout]

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came
Murphy. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to
set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions,
and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9".

So Murphy says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says,"What the hell's that?"

Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine".

Fair enough, says the boss.

"Second question, same rules, but represent 99".

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der
ya go sir" he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do
you get that to represent 99".

Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now, so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n'
dirty tree, dat's 99".

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says "All
right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "got it!" he makes a little
mark at the base of each tree, and says 'There ya go sir 100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time.
Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred".

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you've got, dirty
tree an' a terd, dirty tree n' a terd, an' dirty tree an' a terd, which makes
one hundred. So when does I start me job"?

[burnz]

The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before the second week in the pulpit he asked the bishop how he could relax. The Bishop said, “Next week, put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should run smoothly.”

The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and felt just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Bishop…

1. Next time sip, rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he didn’t kick the crap out of him.
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as “J.C. and the boys.”
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.
7. We do not refer to the cross as “The Big T.”
8. We do not refer to the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost as “Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook.”
9. The recommended way of saying grace is not Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!”
10. And last but not least, it is the “Virgin Mary,” not “Mary with the cherry.”

[ltd]

Originally Posted by Jason[98.EL]

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat .

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

I love that one mate, absolutely brilliant

[DJR-351]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice
insurance paper work etc! and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,
he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended
diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical
exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and
completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor,
saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because
you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my
entire life.

[FGII-XR6]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a Pub and a
golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

[FGII-XR6]

A man, on his way home from work was stuck in traffic which was much worse
than usual. Noticing a policeman walking among the stalled cars, he asked,
"Officer, what's the holdup?" The policeman says: "Brendan Fevola is so
depressed about his behaviour at the Brownlow that he's stopped his car
and is threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He
says everyone hates him. His wife is leaving him and taking everything and
he's going to lose his $750,000 contract at Carlton. I'm walking around
taking up a collection for him." "Oh, really?" the man says. "How much
have you collected so far?" "So far only 18 litres, but a lot of people
are still siphoning.

[FGII-XR6]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in
Glasgowthere's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord thereGoes out
of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy
the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublinthere's
O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'llbuy you
a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on
the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister."

[FGII-XR6]

.........................................

[FGII-XR6]

.........................

[Charliewool]

How many times have you gotten home and part of your order is missing??

[Fev]

Originally Posted by charliewool

How many times have you gotten home and part of your order is missing??

heheheh Robert Mugabe strikes again!!

It was actually the dude who did that "I'll pay you with a spider drawing" email. funny bloke

[pauljh74]

Dear The Nutcase who right hooked leona lewis at a book signing recently,

Please take note of the following events;

- Robbie williams book signing - 23rd October Waterstones Leeds

- Katie Price fan meet and greet - 3rd November Hmv Manchester

- James Blunt promoting new album - 15th November Hmv Milton Keynes
*****************************

I finally got my tax return today.

I found an asylum seeker's wallet.
*****************************

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for £150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker said curiously, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?"
The man looked him in the eye, "Well, as I recall, a long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead..."
The undertaker smiled. "That's right."
"I simply can't take that chance." Said the man
*****************************

Why God didn't get tenure
1) He had only 1 major complication
2) It was in Hebrew
3) It wasn't published in a peer reviewed journal
4) It had no bibliography or citations
5) Some doubt he wrote it himself
6) He may have created the world, but what has He done lately?
7) The scientific community has not been able to replicate the results
8) He never received permission from the ethics board to use human subjects
9) When one experiment went bad, he tried to drown all the subjects
10) He often let his son do his teaching
11) He rarely came to class and told his students to "read the book"
12) He expelled his first 2 students
13) His office hours were irregular and were sometimes held on a mountain top
14) Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed
*******************************

Avoid jury duty by claiming you're a virulent racist with an alcohol problem and attention deficit disorder. Don't overdo it, though, or you might wind up becoming a magistrate
*******************************

[Springfield_Johny]

Originally Posted by charliewool

How many times have you gotten home and part of your order is missing??

Should make this available in PDF format so we can print it off & put it on the drivethru menu board

[deesun]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened. The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour d1ckhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody big truck hit us.'

[V3RSAC3]

Originally Posted by charliewool

How many times have you gotten home and part of your order is missing??

Hrmm.. I know the owner of the walkerville one with his stupid flash Blue WRX. I'll be having a word to him soon.