What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

Two indigenous Australians were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus". Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that... I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK - In these cases, we require you to give a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Harry Connick Jr - and he says that you whitefellas can't take the hiss out of us blackfellas no more!'

[pauljh74]

Robert Mugabe and his chauffeur were driving down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road and killed it instantly.
Mugabe tells his driver: "Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what happen."
One hour later, Mugabe sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
"What happen to you?" Mugabe asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me."
"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Mugabe.
The driver answered: "Good evening, I am Robert Mugabe's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."
***************************

Food inspector in a bakery catches paddy using his false teeth, to put the design on the edge of the apple tarts.

She shouts at him furiously, “don’t you have a tool?”

Paddy replies: “Yes. But I use that for holing the donuts.”
***************************

just watched one of the Saw movies and couldn't help but to think how awesome it would be if Jigsaw was to be put in big brother......
..... i can only dream !

[bng]

-One morning at a doctor's clinic:
A patient arrives; complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives; looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.. What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late.. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu......?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"


-Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.


-I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

[pauljh74]

I see Katie Price is up for the mum of the year award.

Also on the shortlist...................

Joseph Fritzl for dad of the year,
Michael Jackson for tour of the year,
Jade Goody for hairstyle of the year.
********************************

Just for once I'd like to see a realistic tampon advert.

With the woman sobbing herself to sleep with a half chewed mars bar hanging out of her mouth.
********************************

'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of road when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the car park is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the road and was interested in possibly doing business.....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place £50 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts £50 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the car park facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
*******************************

2 blokes in a pub discussing their sex lives, 1st bloke says "we're still at it like rabbits!"
2nd bloke says "huh, i only give it to her once a month, i call it bruce lee night"
his mate asks why?
he replies "enter the dragon!"
********************************

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...OOH! all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by charliewool

How many times have you gotten home and part of your order is missing??

"Food" at our local Maccas is so bad, I'm THANKFUL when some of it is missing...

[Springfield_Johny]

Originally Posted by charliewool

How many times have you gotten home and part of your order is missing??

Its a hoax

http://www.news.com.au/technology/st...014239,00.html

[V3RSAC3]

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .

DON'T LOOK AHEAD

Let's find out just how clever you really are...



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

















Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take her or his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?













Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?














Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?

























Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it..



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?



Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right...
Maybe.
















Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!















Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?














He just has to open his mouth and ask.
It's really very simple. Like you!

[deesun]

Marriage humour:


Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

ooOoo

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'
ooOoo



Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

ooOoo

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

ooOoo

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

ooOoo

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

ooOoo

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

ooOoo

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face, my beautiful eyes or my georgous sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Your sense of humor!'
ooOoo

[FGII-XR6]

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
We apologise for the inconvenience

[FGII-XR6]

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

[FGII-XR6]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or
you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants
to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the
gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and
pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her
coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body
for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display
like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can
you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[Burnout]

stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only
child. . .eventually.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the
same room and let them fight it out.

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I
keep
it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He
said
"I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August?
Cool!"

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around
singing
"Happy Birthday".

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks
- I'm not going that far."

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller

[SilentDave]

F16 vs. C-130

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'


When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

[SilentDave]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

[Bluefreak]

Originally Posted by SilentDave

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

That was excellent...

[ltd]

Thank God they found that boy in the balloon alive and well.
We were all worried Michael Jackson was ordering home delivery from Heaven.

[V3RSAC3]

Tell Me This Won't Happen To Me!!!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_____________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see.." She starts up the stairs and pauses ... "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.


Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[V3RSAC3]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

And I had been dating for over a year, and so we

Decided to get married. There was only one

Little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

Younger sister..

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

Tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

Would regularly bend down when she was near

Me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

Be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

Near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

Come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

Alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

Had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

Overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

Before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

You want one last wild fling, just come up and get me..'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

Up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

And made a beeline straight to the front door. I

Opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing

Outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

Said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

Little test. We couldn't ask for a better

Man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[pauljh74]

My girlfriend is a feminist.

Which basically means she finds sexist jokes utterly abhorrent until one is made about men.
****************************

It is said that brushing your teeth with the opposite hand stimulates brain activity in the morning.

I tried it and stabbed myself in the back of the throat. Yep, I'm wide awake now.
****************************

How to describe your golf shot -

An Adolf Hitler - taking two shots in a bunker
An Arthur Scargill - great strike but a poor result
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson- somehow got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel very good
An elephant's a***hole - it's high; and it stinks
A sister-in-law - I'm up there, but I know I shouldn't be
A Sally Gunnell - it's ugly but it's still running
A Kate Moss - thinned it
An IRA shot - hitting a provisional
A nipple licker - a shot that opens up the hole
A Diego Maradonna - nasty five footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it seems
Putting like a gynaecologist's assistant - shaving the hole
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water
A Marilyn Monroe - a fair crack up the middle (aka "A Blondie")
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Tony Blair - too much spin
A Bin Laden - driven out, never to be found again
Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't

[Fled74]

Are you ready to have kids? Try these simple tests to find out.

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

MONEY TEST
Arrange to have your pay sent directly to the grocery store and pharmacy.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[V3RSAC3]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager .


After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, she's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.


A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced;
"I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.


The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager begin to emit a "beep, beep, beep".


The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f***ng life, she's reversing!!"

[Stattic]

ohhh my god that is hilarious v3rsac3!

[V3RSAC3]

An Australian Love Poem
(Who said Australians weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

[Riksta]

Originally Posted by V3RSAC3

A man boarded an aircraft at London ’s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

Hey Nathan, don't you mean boarded at Adelaide departing for Melbourne?

And where's the part about the three guys travelling with him all wanting to swap seats after she sat down??? LOL

[V3RSAC3]

Originally Posted by Riksta

Hey Nathan, don't you mean boarded at Adelaide departing for Melbourne?

And where's the part about the three guys travelling with him all wanting to swap seats after she sat down??? LOL

HAHAHAHAHA omg i've got to dig up that picture of her!! .. LOL

AAAAAAND you NERD!!! You didnt even HIT on her!!! You FOOL!!!!!! ... I woulda been mile high club for sure!!!!!

[Riksta]

HAHAHA you actually got a picture of her???

And yeah I was a bit of a fool back in those days. Would be different these days that's for sure ;)

[V3RSAC3]

I post later when I get back LOL

[Riksta]

Haha sweet. Was a good trip that one, good memories!

[vztrt]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[vztrt]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20..00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.