Depression, Anxiety

[BENT_8]

Sorry to hear of your troubles mate, just remember we're here to listen and help if we can.

I know what you mean when you said they didn't find your comment as amusing as you did, it's interesting how desensitised you become to that kind of dark humor when you're battling demons, unfortunately those who can't relate to it find it very confronting.
I guess you have to pick your audience when speaking openly in that manner as it freaks some out..lol

Roll with it mate, you know your own body and mind, if you think you could do with a bit of evaluation and it'll help you then embrace whatever they have to say, if you're feeling ok and see it as poorly timed dark humour and all it does is appease them then let them feel like they're making a difference.
Dont let a few seconds of poorly timed humour eat you up, learn from it and move forward.

Best of luck.

[Syndrome]

https://www.zerohedge.com/medical/st...alth-treatment

[Citroënbender]

A simplistic and generally unhelpful article. Only one step better than suggesting depressed people should “snap out of it”.

There aren’t the public health resources available to the “Everyperson” to (long term) effectively promote and guide physical movement towards beneficial exercise. If you try to force someone, it’s at risk of being categorised as assault. If you make an effort to assist then walk away, you’re possibly doing more harm than if you’d just been a quietly neutral/positive presence in the first place.

[b0son]

Originally Posted by Citroënbender

A simplistic and generally unhelpful article.

Why? It said that basically any type of exercise will do. Why does it need to be more complicated? Exercise is a good time filler, a good distraction, it leads to metabolic improvements which have well-documented flow-on effects to other facets of life.

[sneaky]

in theory, yes.

I know at times I have found the idea of getting off the lounge/bed to eat and function as a person all seemed too difficult.

The good old 'just go for a walk' was never going to happen.

even though I had read the books, heard the doctors, done all my homework and knew what was good for me, sometimes it was just overwhelming to even consider it.

thankfully for me I haven't been in that state for a while now and I can pick up and act on the signs fairly early when I start heading in that direction. For others that isn't the case, hell for me it might not be the case again at some point.


good luck out there everyone

[DFB FGXR6]

I think sometimes the word "exercise" gets overloaded with expectation that someone should be pounding the gym or running 4000km a week.

I'm a big believer of being "active" instead. That doesn't necessarily mean going to the gym, running, walking, riding a bike, swimming ect. It does though include things that make you happy or entertain your mind. Be that gardening, working on your car, playing with the dog, cooking......whatever it is, do it and do it as often as you can. For me, its washing cars and writing about washing cars.........its a distraction that entertains my mind and body. I do appreciate that sometimes, even those activities can be hard for those drowned in depression.

Personally, I properly exercised far too much for a long time, on top of a very active job, I got down to 60kg at one point. I do sometimes miss the satisfaction from being so mobile, but I am also listening to my body more.

The key thing is, if you don't want to "exercise", find something to keep you "active".

[Citroënbender]

Originally Posted by DFB FGXR6

The key thing is, if you don't want to "exercise", find something to keep you "active".

That’s a far better perspective IMO, because it implicitly leans more toward happiness.

Yesterday I had to admit a family member to hospital with a combination of physical and mental illness. It wasn’t the first time, it (sadly) won’t be the last, and they’re far from unique. Keeping active would have greatly helped their condition, but as per my previous post you cannot compel someone beyond attempting to persuade or motivate.

Why do I know it will happen again? Because the health system is incapable of coping with complex cases that need a lifetime of tailored management. Just when a rapport is starting to build with a social worker, or interest is blossoming in an activity, the standout person leaves, a class is reconstituted to be inferior, sessions are cancelled. So the person is back to square one and there’s no time for a case worker to sincerely and diligently engage to see how the loose ends may be picked up again.

In no way does it help someone in that position to lay a further burden of presumption, that they should be exercising more. I’m not apologising if this sounds abrasive, but trite rubbish generally does not help people with mental health difficulties, and people should refrain from posting it.

[T3rminator]

Don't forget to exercise the most important muscle....no not that one...the one on your noggin.

On the physical exercise, set yourself up for success. Don't wait until you are down in the dumps to try and phsyc yourself up to move. When you are feeling good, start planning how you can make yourself take the initial step when you are down.

For me, its asking myself "How would I feel if I didn't walk / exercise the dog today, and he is gone forever tomorrow?". Thats enough to get me into the car. I then take a particular route to the beach, less traffic, an enjoyable drive. 30 mins later I'm at the beach, with other dogs, and some times...good people, around. 15 mins later, I'm feeling a million dollars.

Gym, I go first thing in the morning, within 30 mins of waking up. I find if I wait until noon or after work, there is a 99% chance "I won't feel like it". Find a way to make it work for you.

[CoupeKing]

For someone starting out you want a low-impact exercise and long walks in a stress-free environment are ideal for several reasons, and it's great for circulation and keeps your cortisol levels down. But start off at 20 minute walks and gradually extend them and after that if you will, test the waters so to speak for replacement activities.

I do a daily ( when I'm not working day shift ) walk of a minimum 10k and are considering slowly increasing that to 15. And I do that on an empty stomach. I'm back to one meal per day with wholefoods and zero snacks or beverages with sugar etc.

Of course I'm not doing monk mode and I like to live a little but once you '' go back '' you not only see certain patterns but you realise that most of our problems are coming from our diet/lifestyle and all the processed crap we eat/drink. Three meals per day of highly processed junk, plus snacks in between? = very problematic.

I never documented anything it was just all trial and error, but plenty of research. From memory I think it took me close to 18 months to get to one meal a day - meaning eventually that one meal would keep me satiated for approx 24 hours. I have fasted slightly longer than that but be careful here, small steps, baby steps. Go too hard at the start you will most likely crash and burn.

Time is key here. Most of us with a busy lifestyle simply can't find the time. So quick and easy food is the go-to. And I've been guilty and charged with that since I can remember. I ate fruit loops as kid in the 80's and most parents thought that was healthy...LOL.

I truely believe that getting your gut right is key to getting your head right.

Plus I have a few other hidden practices ( none of which I can take credit for ) that I will divulge.

[blueoval]

Its great that some here are recommending 'activity' as a source of help. I see it a lot like DFB said. Any activity is better than no activity. Keeping busy doing something you used to enjoy or wanted to get into is a great way to help stimulate the mind and body. These things no matter how small produce endorphins.

As others have said, reducing your take out food intake and alcohol consumption makes a huge difference on energy levels and mental clarity.

Getting a good nights sleep. Drinking lots of water. Meditation. All these things eventually add up to better mental health.

The hardest part though is actually getting started and setting a realistic routine. Even better is having a friend or partner who can assist in your progress.

[mondeomatureguy]

Hi Guys,
I havent been on here for a while and thats because ive had problems with my wife of late.
I keep very active lots of walking, my work keeps me fit as i now work in the Cleaning industry and have done for nearly 3 years.

My wifes on Medication and she's put on a stack of weight. I was and i am still worried about her weight and told her so many times and all i get back " i will do something about it" which hasnt happened.

She sees a Doctor in Sydney once a month but not a GP and this month cancelled her face to face appointment and instead had a tele conference with her.

Any how i hope you guys are doing good and looking after yourselves and its always nice to read your posts.

cheers

[DFB FGXR6]

Originally Posted by mondeomatureguy

Hi Guys,
I havent been on here for a while and thats because ive had problems with my wife of late.
I keep very active lots of walking, my work keeps me fit as i now work in the Cleaning industry and have done for nearly 3 years.

My wifes on Medication and she's put on a stack of weight. I was and i am still worried about her weight and told her so many times and all i get back " i will do something about it" which hasnt happened.

She sees a Doctor in Sydney once a month but not a GP and this month cancelled her face to face appointment and instead had a tele conference with her.

Any how i hope you guys are doing good and looking after yourselves and its always nice to read your posts.

cheers

Sad to read that and I hope you are coping.

I have a family member who resists/rejects help, to the point where it's led me down my own path of problems. It gets to a point where, after trying literally everything over a number of years, that it's ultimately the persons choice. At the end of the day, it's up to them to except they have a problem and allow others to help. Until then, you are wasting your effort and mental capacity.

That will sound harsh, and it is, but so is continuing on your own without reaching out and attempting to overcome your problems................dragging others down with them.

Stay strong, I know how hard it is.

[FTE217]

Just take care of yourself people, this world is turning upsaide down more than ever.
I'm sorry mondeoguy, I have my wife going through a roller coaster the last 6/7yrs - I just keep looking at the bright side every single morning I wake up.
As mentioned, everyone needs to keep busy, be it business and pleasure to keep the mind healthy......
The old saying it could be worse for there is always people in far worse positions as we all know.
Today is another good day.

[Itsme]

Originally Posted by mondeomatureguy

Hi Guys,
I havent been on here for a while and thats because ive had problems with my wife of late.
I keep very active lots of walking, my work keeps me fit as i now work in the Cleaning industry and have done for nearly 3 years.

My wifes on Medication and she's put on a stack of weight. I was and i am still worried about her weight and told her so many times and all i get back " i will do something about it" which hasnt happened.

She sees a Doctor in Sydney once a month but not a GP and this month cancelled her face to face appointment and instead had a tele conference with her.

Any how i hope you guys are doing good and looking after yourselves and its always nice to read your posts.

cheers

I was in the same position as your wife wanting to exercise but not really trying. My wife got me to go for short walks with her, eventually building up to longer walks, now we both go for daily walks for about an hour which I must say has helped me immensely in reducing weight and keeping me fit.
I quite enjoy walking now to keep control of my health issues.

My point is try to ease her slowly into exercising and see how she goes, best of luck.

[BENT_8]

I used to walk between 5 and 10km per day every day and it worked wonders for both my waistline and mental health.
Then i got lazy and started skipping days and eventually weeks, haven't charged my fit bit in 12 months now i'd say, I can certainly see and feel the effects of not going.
Spoke to a specialist about it and he suggested finding a podcast subject I like and listening to keep me engaged.

Haven't tried it yet to be honest, after working 60+ hour weeks all I want to do when I get home is sleep which isnt great considering I sit on my **** all day at work but whilst my job isnt physically demanding it is mentally draining due to the concentration levels required.

[buggerlugs]

Originally Posted by BENT_8

I used to walk between 5 and 10km per day every day and it worked wonders for both my waistline and mental health.
Then i got lazy and started skipping days and eventually weeks, haven't charged my fit bit in 12 months now i'd say, I can certainly see and feel the effects of not going.
Spoke to a specialist about it and he suggested finding a podcast subject I like and listening to keep me engaged.

Haven't tried it yet to be honest, after working 60+ hour weeks all I want to do when I get home is sleep which isnt great considering I sit on my **** all day at work but whilst my job isnt physically demanding it is mentally draining due to the concentration levels required.

Get a dog. And walk it. Way better company than any human........

[FTE217]

I look at sleep more and more as time wasted, I seem to have power naps more than any full blooded sleep for quite a few years now.
TBH I hardly have more than 4hrs IF I do sleep well.
Say for eg I have had a late night, get to bed around 2/3am, I still get up like clock work 6/6.30am - a sleep in is like 7.30am
In the end I look at it as - your a long time dead (I'll be asleep for a loooong time), I just keep being productive my mind seems to not shut down for too long as you gather.
I love getting things done whilst the wife is asleep and daughter.
Been used to be up crack of dawn since I was a teen.

[FoxtrotGolfXray 5.0]

Originally Posted by mondeomatureguy

Hi Guys,
I havent been on here for a while and thats because ive had problems with my wife of late.
I keep very active lots of walking, my work keeps me fit as i now work in the Cleaning industry and have done for nearly 3 years.

My wifes on Medication and she's put on a stack of weight. I was and i am still worried about her weight and told her so many times and all i get back " i will do something about it" which hasnt happened.

She sees a Doctor in Sydney once a month but not a GP and this month cancelled her face to face appointment and instead had a tele conference with her.

Any how i hope you guys are doing good and looking after yourselves and its always nice to read your posts.

cheers

Just my two bob's worth MMG, and I may be reading between the lines too much here and have the wrong end of the stick, and if so, I apologise. Is it the medication that's adding to your wife's weight issue? It's often a side effect for many medications. If so, then telling her she has a weight problem may not be the solution. What you need to do is find out what motivates her. Clearly pointing out there's an issue is not the answer. Perhaps she is feeling down because of having to be on the medication. Perhaps she knows about the weight gain issue and is embarrassed to be seen out in public because of it. Finding out why she is reluctant to do anything about it is the key here. Once you know what the barriers are, you can then propose solutions that work around those and put her in to a position that she is comfortable with.

One approach you can use is to talk to her calmly (right place, right time) about the subject and ask her as to how she feels about it. Is she concerned about it? If she is, then you can ask her what support you can provide her that will help her. That gives her the option of telling you what she feels she needs, rather than having it told to her by someone she feels may not know how she is feeling. Be supportive through this process and don't judge her at all, as she may shut down completely if she feels you are. Explain to her that you are concerned about her well being (both physically and mentally) and that you just want to discuss it with her to see what you can do to help her. be compassionate and express that openly.

Another option you have is to speak to her doctor. Her doctor is not likely to disclose any of your wife's issues due to patient confidentiality, but you can discuss with her your concerns. The doctor can then ask the questions I've outlined above, and then can make some suggestions to your wife about to how to go about managing the issues. The doctor won't be able to tell you any of this tho, again due to confidentiality.

The mental health first aid course I did uses the pneumonic ALGEE to assist with mental health issues:

A pproach the person, assess and assist with any crisis
L isten and communicate non-judgementally
G ive support and information
E ncourage the person to get appropriate professional help
E ncourage other supports

This is the basis for the advice I've given and seems to be a good model for you to follow in your case.

It's not an easy process you are going through, mate, but I wish you and your wife the best. Remember, you're doing this because you care. Don't give up caring and make sure you express your level of care to your wife. She needs the support at the moment and if she feels like she's being forced into something she doesn't like or feel comfortable with, she'll resist. if your wife knows you care, then there's a good chance that you'll make it through this together.

I hope that some of this, at least, is of use. Good luck!

[FoxtrotGolfXray 5.0]

Originally Posted by buggerlugs

Get a dog. And walk it. Way better company than any human........

And you feel obligated to take the dog even on days when you would otherwise not feel like it. I pretty much walk or run 6.5km every day, rain, hail or shine, because I feel bad if the dog doesn't get her walk. She hates actually doing it when it's really hot or raining, but I can tell she misses it when we don't do it.

I know there's been days when I really didn't feel like going, but the dog gives me that look and off we go. When I get back, I thank my lucky stars the dog 'encouraged' me to go.

[mondeomatureguy]

Hi Guys,
thanks for your advice and ideas it really does help. To answer your question " yes the side affect to her medication in obesity. i have made a little head way the last few days.

Yesterday we went for a drive to Bungonia National Park and went for a small walk, no uphills just on the flat which is a great start.
I work a split shift during the week and when i get home at 8.15am we have breakfast togeather then i take the dog for a walk.

I have mentioned to my darling wife that we walk togeather, and walk a little bit more each day.
Any how she's thinking about that and hopefully we can go walking togeather soon.
thanks again guys

[FoxtrotGolfXray 5.0]

Great to hear MMG. Any step in the right direction is a good thing. try not to push too hard too soon. You don't want to put her off.

Just thinking about your situation again and it reminded me of a talk we had at work from a guy who started a foundation after he was bullied as a kid. He told the story about a homeless person and how they had lots of people tell them what they should do to turn their life around. Everyone approached from the perspective that they knew what was best for the person. None of that helped, as none of them could understand what it was like in that person's situation.

And then one day, a ray of hope was offered to the homeless person. Their knight in shining armour came along and offered hope. What was the difference? The knight simply started by asking the question "What is it like to be you?" This immediately presented the homeless person with the perspective that the knight wasn't interested in their own perspective, but wanted to understand how the homeless person felt. It showed that the important thing to the knight was the homeless person.

It's a great approach, and one I use today to help me navigate through some of those tricky personal issues. For me to help someone, the first thing I need to do is to empathise with them. Truly understand what they are going through and how they feel. Only then am I in a position to help.

[mondeomatureguy]

Hi Guy's
I was reading some of your posts. Myself i also used to get bullied a lot at High School because i was short under five foot then.
I am not only 5 foot 4 tall now but a lot stronger and bigger sideways. At School i was a skinny little kid and got the cane a few times defending my self.

I work at a High School and i understand what the smaller kids are going thru at School and recently had a chat with the bigger boys picking on this small kid.
I said to these big boys " hey you two Knuckleheads how you would you like too Boys bigger then you are, picking on you and making fun that you were short"?

They said to me "we wouldnt" and i replied " know you now how he feels".

and left it at that.

I was lucky growing up because i had 3 older brothers and from time to time we would also fight, and i was used to the name calling which really didnt worry me that much.

Its ok with giving advice but if people haven't been in your situation or can't relate to what you are going thru then its not much use.
A perfect example is when i got divorced over 20 years ago. I got so much advice from people at then my work place, but when i asked many of them are you divorced the answer was NO.

I can relate to the Depression and Anxiety problem because my wife suffers from that. Ive been on that journey with my wife the ups n downs.
Its great for us guys and Ladys to chat with others on this site that are going thru the same thing.

If we all kept it bottled up and not chat about it, we would blow up. I felt so much better chatting with you about my wifes problem and i am working on it one step at a time.

thanks to everybody

[DFB FGXR6]

Despite a couple of little dips, I had been doing better over the last couple of months. "Had been" are the key words in that sentence.

It's amazing how a few words and sentences can undo a person, cut them to the bone and make them feel completely worthless. Call that person out and suddenly you have the attitude problem.

Here's a tip for everyone........... Don't bother trying, don't show enthusiasm, don't bother pleasing other people as you never will. Just stay in that dark hole and you won't get hurt, annoy anyone or make a mistake.

[Citroënbender]

I think Mitch was onto it the other week when he wrote about the world going crazy. It really grinds when you have to deal with nonsense, stupidity every day. People seem to have surrendered common sense, awareness and manners.

[mad2]

Originally Posted by DFB FGXR6

Despite a couple of little dips, I had been doing better over the last couple of months. "Had been" are the key words in that sentence.

It's amazing how a few words and sentences can undo a person, cut them to the bone and make them feel completely worthless. Call that person out and suddenly you have the attitude problem.

Here's a tip for everyone........... Don't bother trying, don't show enthusiasm, don't bother pleasing other people as you never will. Just stay in that dark hole and you won't get hurt, annoy anyone or make a mistake.

for you DFB.

[T3rminator]

Originally Posted by DFB FGXR6

Don't bother trying, don't show enthusiasm, don't bother pleasing other people as you never will.

I really recommend the book or audio book, The subtle art of not giving a f...

There is a whole chapter devoted to this.

[Interceptor]

Originally Posted by DFB FGXR6

It's amazing how a few words and sentences can undo a person, cut them to the bone and make them feel completely worthless. Call that person out and suddenly you have the attitude problem.

Here's a tip for everyone........... Don't bother trying, don't show enthusiasm, don't bother pleasing other people as you never will. Just stay in that dark hole and you won't get hurt, annoy anyone or make a mistake.

This time last year, I was debt free, but working in a job where driving one of 2 V8 powered falcons didnt exactly do a whole lot for my credibility in my job, so I put myself $25k in debt to buy something more suited to my occupation at the time.

Great idea, it wasnt something I *had* to do, but all of a sudden I had a reason to do it, so I figured why not.

In 6 weeks though..... oh boy....first my rent skyrocketed courtesy of rising interest rates, my landlord told me that I really needed to look at buying if I wanted to keep living where I am, and them my dad got transferred from the nursing home where he'd been staying in a dementia ward to the local hospital where it was found he was malnourished and dehydrated.
Naturally I went to see him, froze my butt off when I pulled up for a nap on the way to the coast to see him, spent the weekend at the hospital and drove home on the sunday night. Woke up the monday morning with one heck of a cold, called in sick, same again tuesday morning, but this time the boss says "hey bud...... sorry to do this to ya, but the owner has decided he's had enough of trying to get staff so he's closing the business and I'll email you your termination letter, your last day will be next tuesday"

Great.... back to work the next day, work the week out, drive back out to the coast for the weekend with dad, he's still not responsive, basically tube fed and on enhanced life support. Talked with the palliative care nurse (fwiw... if you think your job sucks, its nothing compared to convincing people to let their loved ones die, I discovered whole new levels of respect for some people that day) and gave the OK for them to do what they needed to do, after all, when all someone can do is stare blankly at the wall or the ceiling, unresponsive to sight or sound, theres no quality of life left. You wouldnt do it to a dog.

Drove home the sunday night to finish what I needed to do at work, last day at work on the tuesday, same old BS from the business owner about him not wanting to do it, didnt have the heart to tell him he's half the fkn problem..... Moped around the house, txt messaged dads partner, then get the call early saturday morning that dad had finally passed.

What really blew my mind in all of this, was peoples attitudes.
Dads partner had the hide to tell me "I am beginning to wonder if you made the right decision about turning everything off"
My mum literally ordered me over the phone to go and see him one last time, just to tell him that she forgives him for when he supposedly cheated on him back in the 80's, then does the asian mum thing when I said no, and started yelling at me about respect.....
The guy who owned the business I was working for KNEW about my plans, what I was doing and why I was going into debt solely to help me be better at my job, yet didnt say a single damn word about it when he knew damn well what was going on.

TLDR: I put myself in debt because of my job then got made redundant, had my living arrangements potentially pulled out from under me and lost my dad all in under 6 weeks.

So yeah..... I know the feeling about what people say, and not wanting to put effort in, especially when mediocrity, doing the bare minimum is what seems to get people rewarded, it seems to surprise people when you go above and beyond, but it doesnt get you anywhere.

Just for giggles, once upon a time I was hired into a job specifically because literally every workshop in town put my name forward, retail job, pay rate was several dollars an hour above award, I was 2nd highest paid on site. 4 years later I was given reason to question why I hadnt seen a single cent of a pay raise in 4 years and I was told "Your pay rate will increase when the award rate catches up with what you're getting paid now"

The manager had my resignation letter by the end of that week.

[FTE217]

Hey DFB, I hope your down mood isn't from where I'm thinking this came from ?
(I have noticed you haven't been around as much since)
If so mate, I know we pm'd please turn your cheek, its one arrogant tossers opinion, you got to accept some just don't appreciate a honest different POV.
Chin up mate, your a champion fella that persons loss but ours when your not around here as much.

[FTE217]

Interceptor, I'm very sorry of recent recent experience and losing Dad.
Condolense's hope your pain pass's by not that you ever lose it all when losing a treasured loved one.
What a time you've gone through, hope your ok, I got nothing to complain about compared to what you've just gone through.
Cheers to you.

[mad2]

Originally Posted by Interceptor

This time last year, I was debt free, but working in a job where driving one of 2 V8 powered falcons didnt exactly do a whole lot for my credibility in my job, so I put myself $25k in debt to buy something more suited to my occupation at the time.

Great idea, it wasnt something I *had* to do, but all of a sudden I had a reason to do it, so I figured why not.

In 6 weeks though..... oh boy....first my rent skyrocketed courtesy of rising interest rates, my landlord told me that I really needed to look at buying if I wanted to keep living where I am, and them my dad got transferred from the nursing home where he'd been staying in a dementia ward to the local hospital where it was found he was malnourished and dehydrated.
Naturally I went to see him, froze my butt off when I pulled up for a nap on the way to the coast to see him, spent the weekend at the hospital and drove home on the sunday night. Woke up the monday morning with one heck of a cold, called in sick, same again tuesday morning, but this time the boss says "hey bud...... sorry to do this to ya, but the owner has decided he's had enough of trying to get staff so he's closing the business and I'll email you your termination letter, your last day will be next tuesday"

Great.... back to work the next day, work the week out, drive back out to the coast for the weekend with dad, he's still not responsive, basically tube fed and on enhanced life support. Talked with the palliative care nurse (fwiw... if you think your job sucks, its nothing compared to convincing people to let their loved ones die, I discovered whole new levels of respect for some people that day) and gave the OK for them to do what they needed to do, after all, when all someone can do is stare blankly at the wall or the ceiling, unresponsive to sight or sound, theres no quality of life left. You wouldnt do it to a dog.

Drove home the sunday night to finish what I needed to do at work, last day at work on the tuesday, same old BS from the business owner about him not wanting to do it, didnt have the heart to tell him he's half the fkn problem..... Moped around the house, txt messaged dads partner, then get the call early saturday morning that dad had finally passed.

*What really blew my mind in all of this, was peoples attitudes.
Dads partner had the hide to tell me "I am beginning to wonder if you made the right decision about turning everything off"
My mum literally ordered me over the phone to go and see him one last time, just to tell him that she forgives him for when he supposedly cheated on him back in the 80's, then does the asian mum thing when I said no, and started yelling at me about respect.....*
The guy who owned the business I was working for KNEW about my plans, what I was doing and why I was going into debt solely to help me be better at my job, yet didnt say a single damn word about it when he knew damn well what was going on.

TLDR: I put myself in debt because of my job then got made redundant, had my living arrangements potentially pulled out from under me and lost my dad all in under 6 weeks.

So yeah..... I know the feeling about what people say, and not wanting to put effort in, especially when mediocrity, doing the bare minimum is what seems to get people rewarded, it seems to surprise people when you go above and beyond, but it doesnt get you anywhere.

Just for giggles, once upon a time I was hired into a job specifically because literally every workshop in town put my name forward, retail job, pay rate was several dollars an hour above award, I was 2nd highest paid on site. 4 years later I was given reason to question why I hadnt seen a single cent of a pay raise in 4 years and I was told "Your pay rate will increase when the award rate catches up with what you're getting paid now"

The manager had my resignation letter by the end of that week.

condolence's on ya Dads passing & yes there will always be someone not happy with the outcome. we [family] have already discussed what happens re my mum passing .. i will be in your position then calling the outcome. healing comes with time.