What jokes do you know?

[Charliewool]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No...Salty."

Mum fainted.

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Wow, thanks a lot.
Go to ANY American board,
you will see Australians treated with nothing but respect.

I got that joke from a predominantly British site.
If you look at the next joke below it, you'll see several nationalities copping it. So I make fun of any nationality.

If I made a joke about Poms being afraid of soap, they'd just retort by calling us convicts, how they won the Ashes and have a laugh. New Zealanders - we'd imply they get a bit too close to the sheep, and they'd claim we do the same.

[gtxb67]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Wow, thanks a lot.
Go to ANY American board,
you will see Australians treated with nothing but respect.

the americans are off limits, but i noticed the chinese weren't

[RSgerry]

just to keep in the spirit of things :-)

What do you call a field full of Americans?

A vacant lot.

[Fled74]

Here's a couple of Filipino jokes:

Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos.

[Director]

What do you do if a bird poops on your windscreen


Dont take her out again

[guitarman]

I've been drinking a lot of transmission fluid lately, and I don't think I can ever change!

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Wow, thanks a lot.
Go to ANY American board,
you will see Australians treated with nothing but respect.

Our sincerest apology,birdman, we do tend to laugh at ourselves and others a lot more.

You must remember that we are not Americans, but at least we have evolved enough to drive Fords.

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by gtxb67

the americans are off limits, but i noticed the chinese weren't

Yes, two wongs don't make it white!!.............................. unless you're in a Chinese laundry

[XWildGT]

Got arrested at Bunnings this morning for hitting a aboriginal sheila in the head

Asked Dad what he would like for a birthday present and he said grab a Black and Decker, so yeah I did now I am in the ********

[Jason[98.EL]]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, Miss?

I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it came from a shag at the beach!

[guitarman]

Originally Posted by gtxb67

the americans are off limits, but i noticed the chinese weren't

No, they're not:

That's not right. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -> Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? - - - - - - - --> Hu Ya Hai Ding?

See me ASAP. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --> Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -> Dum Gai

Small Horse. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Tai NiPo Ni

Did you go to the beach? - - - - - - - - - - - > Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - - - - - - - - -> Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift. - - - - - - - - -> Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. - - - - - - - - - - - -> Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. - - - - - - - - -> Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - - - - - - - - - - - > No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?- - - - > Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. - - - - - - - - - - - > Yu So Dum

I got this for free. - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer. - - - - - - - - - -> Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. - - - > Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. - - - - - - - - - - - - - --> Lei Lou

He's cleaning his automobile. - - - - - - - - -> Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. - - - - - - - - - > Yu Stin Ki Pu

(courtesy of Burnedout)

[pauljh74]

What does sperm and a Collingwood supporter have in common?
1 in 3 million chance of becoming human.
***********************

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep
***********************

[FGII-XR6]

Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, “White Wings, isn't it?”

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[FGII-XR6]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacementMexicans.
God Bless America

[FGII-XR6]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. Then, with his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[FGII-XR6]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going
to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had any health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the
bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who also is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Ok, send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Chopped]

Two suicide bombers walked into a bar..... Boom boom

[FGII-XR6]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively

"I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment ...
adjusted his glasses, and leaned over towards her and whispered


"Excuse me but is that one word or two?"..........

[vztrt]

Not so much a joke, but an article with stupid things tourists have asked tourist information.

http://www.theage.com.au/travel/ask-...0121-mnft.html

[Charliewool]

The Frog and Golf

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."



The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, hey?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

[Burnout]

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING


SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION


Feet cold and wet.

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


Feet warm and wet.

Improper bladder control.

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.


Drink unusually pale and tasteless.

Glass empty.

Get someone to buy you another drink.


Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

You have fallen over backward.

Have yourself lashed to bar.


Mouth contains cigarette butts.

You have fallen forward.

See above.


Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.


Floor blurred.

You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

Get someone to buy you another drink.


Floor moving.

You are being carried out.

Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


Room seems unusually dark.

Bar has closed.

Confirm home address with bartender.


Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.

Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

Cover mouth.


Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

You are dancing on the table.

Fall on somebody cushy-looking.


Drink is crystal-clear.

It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

Punch him.


Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

You have been in a fight.

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

You've wandered into the wrong party.

See if they have free alcohol.


Your singing sounds distorted.

The drink is too weak.

Have more alcohol until your voice improves.


Don't remember the words to the song.

Drink is just right.

Play air guitar.

[Mickxr8]

might be a rehash on an old joke but.> Subject: And the Crowd Went Wild.
>
>
> The Pope and Kevin Rudd are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd at
> the AFL Grand Final. The Pope leaned towards Mr. Rudd and said, "Do you know
> that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this
> crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those
> believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts and they'll
> forever speak of this Day and rejoice!" Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt
> that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me" So the Pope backhanded the
> bastard.
>
>

[Mickxr8]

might be a rehash on an old joke but.> Subject: And the Crowd Went Wild.
>
>
> The Pope and Kevin Rudd are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd at
> the AFL Grand Final. The Pope leaned towards Mr. Rudd and said, "Do you know
> that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this
> crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like those
> believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts and they'll
> forever speak of this Day and rejoice!" Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt
> that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me" So the Pope backhanded the
> bastard.
>
>

[FGII-XR6]

Don't let common sense get in the way of a good disaster!!!!
Good news: It was a normal day in Sharon Springs , KS when a Union Pacific
crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina .
The Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became
overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the
rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.
The Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the
train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.
The Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge
with creosote ties and trusses.
The crew tried to explain to higher-ups but were instructed not to move the
train!
They were instructed "The Rules" prohibit moving the train when a part is
defective!
RULES IS RULES!
(Don't let common sense get in the way of a good disaster!)

[FGII-XR6]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad... I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to
tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"

[XR8GRL]

[Burnout]

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality
rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole
nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours
of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jam, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 200 degrees Celsius! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the
following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV
spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

[SilentDave]

Originally Posted by Burnout

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality
rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole
nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours
of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence
of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jam, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 200 degrees Celsius! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the
following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV
spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we
might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Woohoo I am out of a job now where do i sign up for compensation and bread is actually baked at temperatures up to 230 degrees

[FGII-XR6]

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,'Maybe it's because the
Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
to speak German.

'You could haveheard a pin drop.

Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French
Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked
sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready. "The American
said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.

You could have heard a pin drop.