What jokes do you know? - Page 59

FGII-XR6 · 05-02-2010, 11:16 AM

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the
patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he
could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across
his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written in large black letters was: Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

FGII-XR6 · 05-02-2010, 11:20 AM

How to choose a restaurant.

A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for
dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very
young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was better than
most places and the wine selection was extensive.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace
and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair
accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed
where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should
meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there
before.

FGII-XR6 · 05-02-2010, 11:30 AM

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels
for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few
miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when
they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that
Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed
better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,
Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having c*cktails and waiting
for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with
you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the
next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life
changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I
play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep,
and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better
say so now!"
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last
five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was
quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the
ball."

homegrown · 05-02-2010, 11:32 AM

that reminds me of a saying.

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then, we'll be new friends.

(the joke before

**Burnout** · 05-02-2010, 04:15 PM

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New
Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered
up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for
you. It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

RSgerry · 05-02-2010, 10:40 PM

Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of control.

They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought by men

RSgerry · 05-02-2010, 10:44 PM

I've decided to kill my wife and make it look like an accident.

Bought her a new Toyota.

pauljh74 · 05-02-2010, 11:16 PM

It has been scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/8 inches.

Apparently it doesn't matter if it's a Visa or Mastercard, as they are both just as effective.
********************************

Paddy runs into the bank wearing a mask and shout's "This is a screw up"

The cashier says "Don't you mean hold up"

" No" replies Paddy, "I've forgotten me gun"
********************************

As the coffin was slowly lowered down in to the grave at the funeral of the parking inspector a voice from inside screamed "I'M NOT DEAD, I'M NOT DEAD!!!!" to which the priest smugly answered " I am sorry son but the paperwork has already been done"
********************************

A starving asylum seeker is greeted in Australia by a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes" exclaims the genie.
"I'm hungry" he replies. A massive banquet appears in front of him.
"I want a huge house" he wishes next. An amazing house appears right in front of him.
"I want to be an Australian citizen" is his final wish.
Everything else suddenly vanishes.
"What happened?" he screams at the genie.
"You're now Australian and entitled to bugger all!"

deesun · 07-02-2010, 12:39 AM

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress....
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

**Burnout** · 07-02-2010, 05:30 PM

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the
patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

prydey · 07-02-2010, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burnout

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed
appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the
patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well soon.....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."
Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

au3xr6 beat you to that one. its even on this page - post #1741

**Burnout** · 07-02-2010, 08:37 PM

Ok, then. How about this one:

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So,
he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be
worth it. So he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens
to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a
good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a
chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the pig-pen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on
every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his
expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy
dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such an expensive, colourful animal ,
shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried
to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh ... they're getting
closer ..."

**Burnout** · 07-02-2010, 08:42 PM

Or there's this:

THE NEW AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM

Australians all let us rejoice
The weekend now is near
We've worked all bloody week for this
Dear God let's get a beer.

Our desks abound in paperwork
Our hands are stained with ink
In desperate stage, we'll fly the cage
Advance to Friday drinks!!
With joyful strains, destroy our brains
Advance to Friday drinks.

Beneath our radiant locals sign
We toil with glass in hand
To be the one to skull the most
Fall down, or lose your pants.

Tequila shots, we'll take the lot
That guy behind us stinks.
Beer goggles on, it's time to run
Go home from Friday drinks.

Through rumbo stains and vodka trains
I'm done with Friday drinks!!!

**Burnout** · 07-02-2010, 08:44 PM

Or this one even:

Two guys are sitting at a bar when one says to the other, " Did you know
lions have sex 10-15 times per night?"

The other guy said "Damn! I just joined Rotary."

**Burnout** · 07-02-2010, 08:51 PM

An' this 'un:

Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years
ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched
a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25
year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25
year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

That should keep you happy :P

deesun · 08-02-2010, 06:50 AM

Touche'

sarrge2001 · 09-02-2010, 06:49 PM

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bid him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

pottery beige · 09-02-2010, 07:28 PM

Drove past a fire at the circus.. It was INTENSE!!...........

**Burnout** · 09-02-2010, 08:22 PM

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real
daring guys wear earrings.

"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.

"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.

"Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.

"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Fled74 · 11-02-2010, 09:25 AM

Jesus returned from the dead and went to the house where His apostles were staying. He was surprised and angered to hear loud laughter and celebration inside.
He knocked on the door, and a very drunk Peter answered. Jesus demanded, "What is your explanation, Peter? I told you all to wait in silent prayer for me."

Peter laughed as he replied, " Sorry, Jesus, but you know what it's like when Judas gets his hands on some money."

Fled74 · 15-02-2010, 03:35 PM

An old man is sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.

"A roll of chicken wire," the boy yells back.

"What you gonna do with that?" the old man asks.

"Catch me some chickens," says the boy.

"You damned fool," says the old man. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he's dragging the chicken wire behind him with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise when he sees the boy walk by carrying something else.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.

"Roll of duck tape," the boy yells back.

"What you gonna do with that?" the old man asks.

"Catch me some ducks," says the boy.

"You damned fool," says the old man. "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he's trailing the unrolled duck tape behind him with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The same time next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.

"A pussy willow," the boy yells back.

"Hold on," says the old man, "I'll get my hat."

Fled74 · 16-02-2010, 12:21 PM

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "You're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEEZUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front!"

Mickxr8 · 16-02-2010, 11:15 PM

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a
traffic camera. He figured that his picture had
been taken for exceeding the limit, even though
he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be
sure, he went around the block and passed the
same spot, driving even more slowly, but again
the camera flashed. Now he began to think that
this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as
he passed the area again, but the traffic camera
again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the
same result. He did this a fifth time and was
now laughing when the camera flashed as he
rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the
mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid

Mickxr8 · 16-02-2010, 11:19 PM

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word

>
> Subject: History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word
>
>
> 10th - "Scattered ******************** showers, my ***!" - Noah, 4314 BC
>
> 9th - "How the ************** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
>
> 8th - "You want WHAT on the ******************** ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
>
> 7th - "Where did all those ******************** Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
>
> 6th - "It does so ******************** look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
>
> 5th - "Where the ************** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
> 4th - "Any ******************** idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
>
> 3rd - "What the ************** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
>
> 2nd - "I need this parade like I need a ******************** hole in the head!" -
> JFK, 1963
>
>
> And ... drum roll ....,,,,,..
>
> The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ....
>
> "Aw c'mon. Who the ************** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

Mickxr8 · 17-02-2010, 12:24 AM

Today's lesson

Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'

Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

AlanD · 18-02-2010, 10:53 PM

Might have been here before - but I'm not going to read thru 71 pages - apologies if it has.

Two TV antennas (antennae?) meet on a roof.

Proquintity rules, they fall in love and they decide to get married.

Wedding wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

Cheers

FGII-XR6 · 19-02-2010, 11:19 AM

Terrorist Arrest

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International
Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify
the man,
who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and
refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong
to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every
country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every
triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given
us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent
or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel
Prize for
Physics will follow.

FGII-XR6 · 19-02-2010, 11:24 AM

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the
Queen and said:

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is
referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are
not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing
quite nicely as a Country."

**DJR-351** · 20-02-2010, 04:40 PM

A man was riding his Harley along a California highway when suddenly the sky clouded over above his head and, in a booming voice the Lord said,

'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.

The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

After a short pause the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

**DJR-351** · 20-02-2010, 04:47 PM

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window..
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22.. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

A lady sent it to me. She was laughing, too.