What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
__________________________________________________ ______________

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'.
Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the UK's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

[guitarman]

1st Ford Driver: "Hey, I just saw 'Never-Ending Story'! "
2nd Ford Driver: " Oh, what's it about?"
1st Ford Driver: "Something about 4490's V 4495's..."

[tempest]

i lol'd

[Burnout]

Did you know that Captain Hook died from jock itch.

[Russ]

A man drives to a service station to fill up with fuel. The guy at the pump next to him spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the guy, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The guy thinks about it for a minute then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man and he goes in pays for his fuel and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same service station. The same guy is there again putting in fuel as well and sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still there! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the man, "And we had a great time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

[Peuty]

Originally Posted by ebxr8240

I hate hard boiled eggs...Lol...

Bwahahahahaha

[guitarman]

Mick: "Paddy, how come you always get to meet nice women at the beach"

Paddy: "I've got a secret weapon, Mick; just go and buy the biggest spud you can, and put it in your swimming trunks, and just walk around the beach - it never fails!"

(Mick goes and buys the biggest potato he can and puts it down his swimming trunks; he then goes parading around the beach for about 1/2 hour, before returning disgruntledly to Paddy)

Mick: (red-faced): "This is rubbish, Paddy, I seem to be scaring them off, rather than attracting them!"

Paddy: "Michael, Michael, Michael, you're supposed to put the spud down the FRONT of your swimming trunks."

[TOASTED]

geez im going home to break our egg timer.

[Burnout]

Originally Posted by guitarman

...... unless, of course, you're burned out!

THE OPERATION

We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

----===#==#==#===---

SCARY STUFF

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.

A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaner."

----===#==#==#===---

BRAGGING

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

----===#==#==#===---

RACIST

A U. S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty. That evening, the captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p. m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p. m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."

----===#==#==#===---

How do you identify a bald eagle?

All of his feathers are combed to one side.

----===#==#==#===---

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

----===#==#==#===---

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humour. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises," I told the instructor.

She gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?"

"Twenty-six," I replied.

----===#==#==#===---

STEP ASIDE, LADY

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

----===#==#==#===---

DIAGNOSIS

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."

Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "So what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to break wind. I was wrong, can you direct me to the toilet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Not quite burnedout.

[DOC]

[Road Games]

theres a swedish backpacker with huge tits, an old Greek lady, an Aussie and a Kiwi(New Zealand fella)
sitting in a train carriage. They go through a tunnel and a huge *SLAP* is heard-As
they come out the other end the Aussie is rubbing his face.

the old lady thinks to herself 'he must of tried to grab that girls boobs so she slapped
him'
the backpacker thinks to herself ' he must of tried to touch up that old lady so she
slapped him'.
The Aussie is thinking to himself 'that kiwi must of grabbed that
chicks tits and she went to go slap him-missed and hit me'
and the Kiwi is thinking
'i cant wait for another tunnel so i can slap that f*cking Aussie again'

[Road Games]

say out loud for full effect!

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
****ed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast

[DJM83]

Daz they are awesome.

[rodderz]

Originally Posted by DOC

Thats expensive crap!

[Lightning Strike GT]

2 Irish brothers Pady and Mick were trying to immigrate to Australia and they both had to go through the last vetting process to be granted citizenship
Pady was first and the immigration official asked - what do you do for a job Pady O'brien what can you bring to Australia
A diesel fitter, the officer was impressed and stamped his immigration papers to stay in Australia as there is not many diesel fitters in Australia
Next was Mick and was asked the same question, I work on the same production line with Pady and I fit elastic into womans underwear.
The immigration official rejected Mick's application stating it was a futile job and was not needed in Australia and he then asked Mick if you work with Pady how come the 2 jobs are worlds apart
Mick said no there not I fit the elastic Pady looks at them and says
Yep these will fit her (diesel fitter)
You have to do it in an Irish accent to get it

--------------------------------------------------------------

Learn to speak Irish, say these 4 words out loud
WELL
OILED
BEEF
HOOKED

[Lightning Strike GT]

Murphys other 15 laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last....thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like ... well .... night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Lightning Strike GT]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? And why would you make me text people that I don't actually want to know about but seem to be unable to stay away from?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, Onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time.

3.Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3:30pm (pre - Thirsty Thursday happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

[pauljh74]

Pommy joke

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in The North Sea
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster!!!
******************
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F$%^ off, you won't bring it back."
********************
Why men's friends are better than women's.

A woman stays late in work and has a few drinks with her boss, they end up going back to his place and she doesn't go home till the next morning. when she arrives home she says to her husband, i stayed at a friends house, with this he called her 10 best mates who all said they don't know anything about where she stayed.

A man ends up in the same situation and his wife calls his 10 best mates, of which 8 claimed he had stayed with them that night, while the other 2 claimed he was still there asleep.
*********************
At an International beer convention, the heads of several breweries decided to go out and chat after the conferences, so they went to a pub. The head of Carling ordered a Black Label. The head of bass ordered a bass. The head of Guiness ordered a soda. The other two looked at him strangely. Finally, the head of Guiness said, "Well, if you tossers aren't drinking, neither am I."
**********************
Son, can you tell the difference between the British tanks and the Iraqi tanks?
No sir!
Then welcome to the United States Army.........
*********************
They're going to start playing porn at the fuel pumps....

This is so you can watch someone else being screwed at the same time as you.
*********************
Remember years ago when they were making Braveheart? Everyone was saying, "Oh, its ridiculous; Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy? That's not going to be very convincing!"

But take a look at him now: an alcoholic Racist!
*********************
What is all the fuss about Islamic head-scarfs in schools? Surely, if you are a devout enough Muslim to want your daughter to wear the head-scarf, you would be devout enough not to want to educate women?
********************
A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up.

After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers. "Excuse me, sir," he says, "are you Mohammed?"
"No," replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs."
"But this is wonderful news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it."

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard. "Excuse me, sir," he says, "are you Mohammed?"
"No," replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs."
"But this is amazing news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

"Excuse me, sir," he says "are you Mohammed?"
"No" replies the old man, "I am God."
"But this is absolutely amazing news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!"

"You look tired my son," said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?"
"Oh yes," replied the bomber, "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you."

The bomber sits down and God says, "you look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of tea?"
"Oh yes, please," replies the bomber, "I am most thirsty, thank you."

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts, "Oi, Mohammed, two teas over here, and make it snappy!!"
**************************
A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky
****************************
My wife got me to tie her to the bed last night. When I did, she said that I could do anything I wanted.

So I had a shave and went down to the pub.
***************************
A young British soldier lost his head during a fire fight and ran for cover some distance from the action.
He had not only lost his prized beret but had also lost his webbing and weapon.
He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a hand grip his shoulder and heard a calming American voice behind him say, "What the do you think you're doing here, soldier? Think of your regiment...get back there and do what your paid to do."
The young soldier got himself back under control and said, "Sorry, mate, you're right."
The voice behind him bellowed, "MATE? I am an American Officer!"
The young soldier replied, "Sorry, Sir, I didn't realise I'd run back that far."
***************************
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "we have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "we had great mathematicians."
The Italian says, "we had the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "we invented sex."
The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "that is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women."
**************************
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
*************************
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, then goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
*************************

[snappy]

i apoligise if this has been written but ill post it anyway.

There is a group of people on plane,midflight.
All of a sudden the plane goes bang crash . An then the pilot announses over the loud speaker . Ladies and gentleman im sorry to report but we are expierencing engine problems and need to prepare for an emergency landing . Please fasten your seatbelt .
the plane starts decending and a blond jumps up and yells i dont want to die like this i want to die feeling like a woman. Is anyone here willing to make me feel like a woman she says. but no one answers . she then rips her clothes off and says is anyone man enough to make me feel like a woman.

So one mans jumps up rips off his shirt and says well you can iron this.

[guitarman]

Dezz, thet's febulous!

[guitarman]

"The Scotchman who always lost his drink" by Wes McGuinness

[Abacus]

Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children.

The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and there are only three parachutes.

The doctor yells out, ” Save the children”

The lawyer yells out “STUFF THE CHILDREN!”

The priest yells out ” IS THERE TIME?”

[Fantome]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, It'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!

Margaret replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat.'

[XR6_661]

Originally Posted by BF XR8

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? And why would you make me text people that I don't actually want to know about but seem to be unable to stay away from?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, Onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time.

3.Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3:30pm (pre - Thirsty Thursday happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

Woah, I can't remember writing that letter!

haha

[Burnout]

Never hold your farts in.

They travel up your spine and into your brain, and that's where you get all those crap ideas from.

----======----

Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
A: Because in the animal kingdom, six inches just doesn't cut it.

----======----

A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked her what's wrong, the frog says, "I got something stuck on my a*se."

----======----

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A: A two-ton pick-up.

----======----

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had p*nises 24 inches long.

When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their p*nises and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his .

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No, it's turned black."
---------------------------------------------------------------------


A policeman pulls over a driver who has a VB label stuck to his forehead.

The policeman says "Have you been drinking?"

The driver replies "No, I've given up. I'm on the patches now."

----======----

TOOL DEFINITIONS

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, now the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until the hole is big enough for the rivet to fall out anyway, but they also work great for drilling mounting holes in mudguards, just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palms of your hands.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for putting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside that brake drum you are trying to repair.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars built before 1971 and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 12mm socket you've been searching for, and so rounding off that 12mm bolt.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open, and slice through the contents, of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; they do work particularly well on cartons containing leather seats and motorcycle jackets.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings you across the room ... in order to firmly press you up against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motor car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, firmly trapping the jack handle under the front mudguard so you can't raise it again.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG LENGTH OF 4x2: Used for levering a motorcar upward and off any hydraulic jack with its handle trapped in your bike.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from 4x2 lengths of wood.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has yet another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-dung off your boots.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder to remove than any known bolt.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up on the timing marks.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps and fuel lines you have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large cold chisel, that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your boot, after having determined that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

TROUBLE LIGHT: Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motor cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs. More often dark than light, the name is very accurate.

PHILLIPS HEAD SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin grease cans, and splash the grease on your shirt. They can also be used to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 Km away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Black and Decker Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone at the Triumph Motorcycle Company .. and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple all that metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove, in order to replace that 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut any hose one 1/2 inch too short.

----====####====----

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary, and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy, and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for Essendon, and I was just too embarrassed to say so."


----====####====----

[Quasi]

Originally Posted by guitarman

WHAT JOKES DO YOU KNOW?

Well, there's always the guy at the next desk.

[XR6-VCT-2000]

Some mighty funny jokes on here, good entertainment.

Here's another 2 old crude jokes for you all......

Q. What's the difference between a fridge and a woman ?
A. Your fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it ! .

Q. What do you call a black person flying a plane ?
A. 'The Pilot' you racist.


And an old Eddie Murphy joke......

A bear and a rabbit are side by side taking a crap in the woods, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Do you have problems with crap sticking to your furr ?", "No" replies the rabbit. So the bear picks up the rabbit and uses him to wipe his butt.

hehe.. just jokes !!!!!!

[guitarman]

Burnedout, that last post of yours was the funniest thing I've ever seen!.... those 'Tool Definitions' nearly killed me with laughter!
(I'm almost afraid to post now).................almost!

(Little girl to policeman): "Sir, sir, I've lost my daddy!"
(Policeman): "Don't worry, dear, what's he like?"
(Little girl): "Ah......Beer and Women!"


'I sat on a Land Mine' by Bluey Zarsoff

[rodderz]

A man has a rather nasty accident and in turn loses his ol fella. In a major miracle of surgery, the doctors cant re-attach the original member but use the trunk off a baby elephant.

The man is ordered to not use it for 6 weeks, after which he can use it to his hearts content. He sets up a romantic dinner with his wife on the occasion to start the night.

His wife is wearing an attractive dress, and he begins to feel his new member moving. He dismisses it at first, thinking it's just getting excited about later, but it gets worse. It starts voilently thrashing around in his pants, before splitting open his fly, going above the table, grabbing a dinner roll and disappearing back under the table.

The wife, amazed, says "Wow!! Can you do that again??"

"I dont think so" says the husband, with a look of horror on his face.

"I don't think I can fit another bread roll up me bum"

[Burnout]

PROFOUND THOUGHTS

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have any film.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember.... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything - where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.

I wish the buck stopped here - I could use a few.

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's "willy" is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.

One who pulls out my chair & opens my door,
massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
knows just what to say when I ask. "How big is my behind?

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to screw my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the -head you sent me instead.

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Mitchell, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Low and behold, this horse -- a very long shot--won the race. Mitchell was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and won! Mitch was elated.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch placed his bet - every cent he owned and watched the horse come in dead last.

Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 35 KPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? But I was doing the speed limit exactly - thirty five kilometres an hour." the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "35" was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just left highway 190."

# # # # #

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it
happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 5v meters in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work
feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:







"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

# # # # #





When Collingwood loses to the Kangaroos at Colonial Stadium by two
points, a billion people in China don't care....think about that."


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