What jokes do you know?

[Jason[98.EL]]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afganastan.'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

[sarrge2001]

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by
sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any
worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring
and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to
them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back
to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'........
.
.
.
.
.
.
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

[Fled74]

To all married men:
Why go to strip clubs? You can't touch her... she won't touch you... you can't touch yourself... and you have to give her all your money.
You're already there!

[Fled74]

A man walks into the doctors and says, "I think I have a problem downstairs, one of my testicles is bigger than the other!"

The doctor replies "that's perfectly normal, every man has one bigger than the other."

"No doc, this is seriously bigger than the other and Im scared to show you in case you laugh"

"I've been a doctor for 25 years, there is nothing i haven't heard of or seen, now drop your pants and let's have a look"

So the man drops his pants, takes hold of this huge weight between his legs and slams the testicle on the table with an almighty thud.

The doctor can't believe his luck at seeing such an amazing but unfortunate thing and starts laughing.

To which the man replies "If you're gonna be like that I'm not showing you the big one now!"

[Fled74]

Why don't single women fart?
Because they don't get A-holes until they're married.

[deesun]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Gold Coast Australia . Their domestic tranquility had long been the
talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America '.
We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and
took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone
too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife
looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded
a little further and her horse stumbled again.. Again my wife quietly
said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse
stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her
Purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
poor animal like that, are you $%#@! crazy?' She looked at ME, and
quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment on.... We have lived happily ever after.'

[pauljh74]

Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't care if she has one.
*****************************

Did you hear about the old Irish-Muslim joke?

No? Ahhh, Jihad to be there.
*****************************

The hot tip for the Oscars next year is a film about a Kiwi trying to find love in America.

It's called "Sheepless in Seattle"
*****************************

[Burnout]

A zebra dies and goes to heaven. On meeting St Peter at the gates, it asks
whether it is white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. St Peter
doesn't know, so he sends it to see God who is working round the corner in his
garden.

The zebra puts the same question to God. God replies "You are what you
are".

The zebra returns to St Peter, who asks how it got on. The zebra says
"God said 'you are what you are'. What does that mean?"

St Peter says "That means white with black stripes."

"How come?" says the zebra.

"Well", St Peter says, "if you were black with white stripes, God would have
said 'You is what you is!'.

[RSgerry]

An elderly Italian man went to his church and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with humiliating sexual favours every week she stayed there," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[burnz]

this is dame funny
http://glossynews.com/society/201001...orcycle-rally/

[bathurst77]

never forget the always funny
Sniff Petrol

[FGII-XR6]

Peter Garrett's New Band

[uranium_death]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought
it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings...

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she
gets undressed When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely
enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

I heard this one on The Footy Show back in 1996, except she was playing 'Poker', and they didn't want to get her 'Poker Card' wet

[uranium_death]

Originally Posted by Charliewool

How I learned to mind my own business


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.

All of the patients were shouting "13....13....13."


The fence was too high to see over,

but I saw a little gap in the planks,

so I looked through to see what was going on...


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!




Then they all started shouting "14....14....14."

I like this sort of thing...I think they might have used it for an old Cash Converters advertisement on television either earlier in the 2000s, or late 90s.

Similar to on Sesame Street when Ernie was walking down the street and the paperboy is yelling, 'Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Four people fooled.'

Ernie bites and buys a paper and starts reading it. He then states quizzingly, 'I don't see anything about four people being fooled.'

The paperboy then starts shouting, 'Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Five people fooled!'

[Springfield_Johny]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the

newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around

the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew

a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done

a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and

kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town

one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found

the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and

dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired."

P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either

[pauljh74]

I am absolutely useless at everything I ever do.

That's why I killed myself last night.
***********************************

I'm not a big fan of Formula 1.

If I wanted to drive round and round aimlessly for obscene amounts of money, I'd have become a Melbourne taxi driver
***********************************

Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.

After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there's a time and a place for sarcasm.
***********************************

People going to Mcdonalds for salad.

It's like going to a brothel for a hug.
***********************************

Tried a new drink last night ... Vodka & Listerine

Stops me being a foul mouthed bastard when i'm drunk ....
***********************************

[Mickxr8]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia 's third language

Kookaburra plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica ... No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a Australian drops to 115 kgs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 4532 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 as lethal weapons.

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines.

I Love This Country!
It's The Government That Scares Me!

[jvdesensi]

whats red and goes up and down




a tomato in an elevator

[birdman941]

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader her name would be Ella Vader.

[Nickxb]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a

pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w#nker

[Burnout]

http://www.users.on.net/~anna.sander...ls_english.wmv

OR

http://www.users.on.net/~anna.sander...ckskydiver.wmv

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by birdman941

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader her name would be Ella Vader.

If Claudia Schiffer was to marry 'Brains' from the Thunderbirds, would she be known as Claudia Schiffer-Brains ??

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by AndrewR_AUII

If Claudia Schiffer was to marry 'Brains' from the Thunderbirds, would she be known as Claudia Schiffer-Brains ??

Isn't she already?

[pauljh74]

I like to keep my mother in law at bay.

Guantanamo to be exact.
*******************************

Shine a torch through a glass of water. You can see light on the other side.

Conclusion? You don't need bloody wipers on your headlights, you tool.
*******************************

Paddy and Shamus were throwing rocks at the ground.

Paddy missed.
*******************************

I have worked out a faultless system to win every time deal or no deal is on.

Change channels.
*******************************

[FGII-XR6]

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Kevin Rudd fans.
Not really knowing what a Kevin Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.
Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Kevin Rudd fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Kevin Rudd fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Liberal.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a
Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
Little Johnny replied, 'A Kevin Rudd fan'

[FGII-XR6]

Forward this message to 8 other people ... and you will get ...
Stuff all!
That's right Stuff all.
You won't get good luck or a nice surprise, 5 grand or a holiday in Bali, just Stuff all ... it's true ... it works!

I sent it and I got ...Stuff all.
Don't break the chain! It's the only one of these things that actually works!
So send it and get Stuff all. It's brilliant!

[FGII-XR6]

BillyBob and Luther were talking one afternoon when BillyBob tells Luther,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna
do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about
where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant
again."

Luther asks BillyBob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

BillyBob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[Burnout]

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1886349

[GS608]

Kevin Rudd takes a flight from Brisbane to Canberra, he ends up seated next to a little girl reading a book. Not wanting to be stuck on a boring flight with nothing to do he leans over and asks, "Hi sorry, but do you know who i am?" The little girl replies yes and starts to read her book again, Kev interrupts "Sorry again but do you mind if we have a conversation"
the little girl again replies "Yes, what would you like to talk about?"
"Oh i don't know, school, politics, health" Replies Kev.

The little girls asks "Before we talk about any of those things do you mind if i ask you a question Mr Rudd?"
"Sure go a head"
"Ok well you know how Cows, horses and sheep all eat grass, well why is it that cows produce big flat excrement, horses large oval shaped excrement and sheep little pellets?"
Kevin, now realising he is talking to quite an intellectual little girl replies, "I wouldn't have the faintest idea"
The little girl then replies
"Then Mr Rudd, how in the world can you be qualified to talk about politics, education or health when you don't know **********"

[Burnout]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all
the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The choir leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly
laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at
the River."