What jokes do you know?

[Fled74]

Probably been posted already, but here goes:

Year 2 class comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand pit."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a lolly."
She does and gets a lolly.

The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.
Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand pit."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'pit' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a lolly."
Michael does, and gets a lolly.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a lolly."

[|||]

Bruce the kiwi is walking down a street in Auckland with 2 sheep under his arm. A stranger stops him & asks "are you shearing bro?".

"Nah they're both for me" replies Bruce.

[XR6_661]

So,

A black baby dies and goes to heaven...
God is there waiting and says to the baby, 'You've earnt your wings, little fellow.'
The baby looks up at God and says, 'God, does this mean I am going to be an angel?'
God looks down at the baby and says,

'HELL NAW, NIGGUH, YOU A BAT.'

[XR6_661]

Man Rules

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

[Arkturus]

Originally Posted by XR6_661

Man Rules

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".


22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

Absolute gold! thanks for the chuckle

[snappy]

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.


Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach ,
California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..

And now, the honorable mentions:


2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around,
submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a
look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.


3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his
vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.


4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed
to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby
bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could
get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened
the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]


7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The
cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was
made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.


8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately,
and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand
there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."


9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M.,
flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without
a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated,
walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]


10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained
for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police
spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.



In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost..

[Burnout]

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially
built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his
own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his
dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to
a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog
house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the
old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new
furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under
the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on
the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on
the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's
not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now
sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary
resident," even if it's true.

[FGII-XR6]

another darwin award

(12 April 2008, Florida) Traffic was moving slowly on southbound I-95. Shawn M. had recently left a Pompano Beach bar, and now he was stuck in traffic. As the saying goes, you don't buy beer--you just rent it, and Shawn couldn't wait another moment to relieve himself. "I need to take a leak," he told his friends.
Traffic was deadlocked, so the waterlogged man climbed out, put his hand on the divider, and jumped over the low concrete wall... only to fall 65 feet to his death. "He probably thought there was a road, but there wasn't," said a Fort Lauderdale police spokesman. The car was idling on an overpass above the railroad lines.

His mother shared her thoughts. "Shawn didn't do a whole lot for a living. He got along on his charm, just like his father."

Though his death was tragic, Shawn's downfall proves the old adage: Look before you leak!

[LTDHO]

Originally Posted by snappy

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us...

These would be from 2007 or 2008!

[mikestp]

I met some kiwi's the other day who thought the canning stock route was a yearly event.

[FGII-XR6]

Worlds Dumbest Illegal Immigrant
Running stop light = $100.00
DUI = $350.00
Not wearing a seat belt = $150.00
Putting you "AND" your girlfriends photo on your fake drivers
license=PRICELESS

[FGII-XR6]

REDNECK ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your
jewellery.

DATING
1. First date - always offer to put the fish bait on your date's hook.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested, "I've been wanting to go
out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
11:00 PM , others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of tongue is also considered out of place).
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and
a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded
and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't
always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.

[pauljh74]

Your Brain Is In Two Parts................

Left brain has nothing right in it and right brain has nothing left in it.
****************************

What do you get if you burn down a Woolworths?

Coles.
****************************

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
****************************

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"
****************************

The Power of Alcohol

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay ... Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "He should have quit while he was ahead!"
*************************

[snappy]

Originally Posted by LTDHO

These would be from 2007 or 2008!

Dont know mate , That's exactly how it came in the email i just copyied and pasted it. Sorry

[duaned]

This policeman was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial.



The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.



The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line.

[duaned]

Wife from hell


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket"

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seatbelt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, ma'am?"
I love this part....




Only when he's been drinking."

[XR6_661]

A 2009 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

[pauljh74]

500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away. Therefore, in the meantime, only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This probably explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook.

[FGII-XR6]

The Lemon picker

A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too
qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any
actual experience in picking lemons?"

The man replied: "Yes, I have. I've been divorced three times,
I bought a Pajero once and I voted for Kevin Rudd."

[FGII-XR6]

best movie of all time.

OMG...this really works. I love Forrest Gump..


BE SURE AND DO THE MATH BEFORE LOOKING AT THE LIST OF MOVIES.

Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out
what movie is your all time favourite. It really works and will predict
your all time favourite movie ! ! ! ...Don't ask me how ...just do the
math quiz then scroll down and see it it worked for you.
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy
the most. Don't ask me how.

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in
the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Gone With The Wind" - exactly right! ! ! So be honest, and do it
before you scroll down to see the list below. It's cool, easy and it
works.

Now look up your number in the list below...
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of driving a Holden
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Freak'n Amazing, isn't it ? ! ? ! ?

[FGII-XR6]

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.


To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
willing to die...


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE
FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

[Pedro]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan,Anna Bligh and Julia Gillard.

They're asking for a 310 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

[pauljh74]

Stuff cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out.

You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER!
**************************

[uranium_death]

Originally Posted by Pedro

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Wayne Swan,Anna Bligh and Julia Gillard.

They're asking for a 310 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

Should we start a collection here too? :

[Charliewool]

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,

'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[Charliewool]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the
Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
She went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking
slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane
and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbein," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults,
and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ***************** brick wall!"

[pauljh74]

I've got a little situation here, not sure exactly what the problem is.

I'm finding myself increasingly suspicious around my son. I fear he could be developing a drug problem, mainly due to his erratic behaviour of late and constantly feeling run down. He's getting involved in a bad crowd, the sort of scum I always warned him about growing up. A few of them are no strangers to prison and their illegal raves are common knowledge.

A few friends of mine have spotted him sat in parked cars around the rougher estates of town. When he eventually comes back home, he seems distant from everyone and always tense or on edge. I also fear he may be running up debts as he always has letters addressed from the bank that he's eager to keep private.

Last night I spied him huddled in the alley behind my local, passing something around with his friends, and I was about to text the wife so we could both confront him together. Unfortunately, when I got my phone out I realised I had no signal, despite being in close range to a mast. Is this a network problem, or should I contact the manufacturer?
**************************************

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders " and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,"How do you give shoulders? "

[FGII-XR6]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.
Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 hookers?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ratbags like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So 'you're here to service 'them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

[FGII-XR6]

A man wanted to join the Australian Federal Police force .

Sergeant doing the interview said: "Your qualifications all look good, but
there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be
accepted."Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he said: "Take this
pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six
Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," said the Sergeant, "when can you start?"

[Fev]

Jeez that one came out quick! lol