What jokes do you know?

[Mickxr8]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness... Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your ********** was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."



The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new **********. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."



The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."



The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"



"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.




"We're getting granite benchtops."

[Mickxr8]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[TheInterceptor]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship
with Canadan authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995.
Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10.10.95.

CANADIANS
Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a
collision.

CANADIANS
Negitive. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees South
to
avoid collision.

AMERICANS
This is the Captain of a US naval ship. I say again divert YOUR
course.

CANADIANS
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN.
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE US ATLANTIC FLEET.
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH.
I SAY AGAIN. THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH.
OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.

CANADIANS
This is a lighthouse. YOUR CALL.

[burnz]

carl williams dad visits him in gaol last week and said son your getting a little chubby.

you know an exercise bike won't kill ya!!

[Fled74]

How many bears could Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

[290v]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...


I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
School class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
Money to the church, would that get me
Into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
The garden and kept everything tidy, would
That get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
Gave sweeties to all the children, and
Loved my husband, would that get me
Into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,


"Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid"


Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e....

[FGII-XR6]

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY IN COURT!

These are from a book entitled "Disorder in the American Courts," and are
verbatim quotes of things people actually said in court, as recorded and
now published by court reporters who had to stay calm and keep a straight
face while the exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

[FGII-XR6]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying &%^$!@! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue..'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'10 cents,' the barman replied.

'10 cents?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down
here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[FGII-XR6]

rules to live by

[itchy brother]

Word is out that they will be starting production of Underbelly 4 soon and it will be shot in Melbourne.
It will be called Underbellamy- Tale Of Two Books! :monkes:

[GS608]

What has 26 legs and can't climb a ladder?

The 2010 Melbourne Storm team

[itchy brother]

Originally Posted by XR-CHIEF

What has 26 legs and can't climb a ladder?

The 2010 Melbourne Storm team

I thought that they had 34 legs???

[Fled74]

A bogan's daughter was going to be married soon, so he told her "He'll be putting his most prized possession into where you pee."
To which she replied, "How's his Commodore gunna fit in the sink?"

[TheInterceptor]

Church was in full swing..... Pews were packed.. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply..

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

" Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[TheInterceptor]

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children






A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.





A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'




A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'






The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'








A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'







The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

[TheInterceptor]

How Fights Start.............

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you wanna..........?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

[NC_Lane]

A Curry Tasters Report

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was
visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to

be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple

of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

===============================================

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy **********!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out.

I hope they think this tastes like food.

===============================================

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking p1ss off a thistle.

===============================================

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting **********-faced from all the
beer.

===============================================

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. ********** is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

===============================================

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I f@rted and four people behind me needed hospital
treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ****es me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them
you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

===============================================

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb!

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and
dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping
from my ar$ehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with
a red hot poker and I've just ******** myself when I f@rted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to

stand behind me except that . Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I
thought.

I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone!

I think if I sit on the toilet now, my ar$ehole will go down for a drink of
water.

===============================================

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear
soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and
now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of
lava-like ********** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

===============================================

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Paul: --------------editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.

[FGII-XR6]

Dear Lord,

I know that I haven't talked to you that much, but this past year you have
taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farah
Fawcett, and my favorite musician, Michael Jackson,
I just wanted to let you know that my favorite prime minister is Kevin Rudd.

Amen

[FGII-XR6]

The Melbourne Storm's latest Premiership DVD release:

[aussie muscle]

[bathurst77]

Everytime i look at a phillips-head screwdriver, i wonder just what the heck this Phillip must have looked like!

[DJR-351]

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops

into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you

could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ......... I'm homesick.

[Mickxr8]

The Irish have a low stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously.
You are going to die anyway, so live life.





Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery...................... The study of paintings
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium..................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign......................What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section.....A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan...................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her
Colic.........................A sheep dog
Coma....................... A punctuation mark
Dilate.......................To live long
Enema......................Not a friend
Fester...................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula.......................A small lie
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain...............Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.............A Doctor's cane
Morbid......................A higher offer
Nitrates.....................Cheaper than day rates
Node.........................I knew it
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............A letter carrier
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................Nearly killed him
Secretion....................Hiding something
Seizure.......................Roman emperor
Tablet........................A small table
Terminal Illness..........Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................One plus one more
Urine.........................Opposite of you're out _

And I have left the best one to the end………………………………………..









Two women were sitting together, quietly.

[Velociraptor82]

1. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

2. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
3. Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
4. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris is the reason why Wally is hiding.
6. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
7. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
8. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
9. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
10. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

[pauljh74]

I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.
**********************************

Justin Bieber is in hospital, he fell off a ladder trying to reach puberty.
**********************************

Research has shown that men usually sleep on the right side of the bed. Even in our sleep we happen to be right.

[AndrewR_AUII]

Originally Posted by itchy brother

I thought that they had 34 legs???

Given that they are legless much of the time....

[InfernoSR]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

Research has shown that men usually sleep on the right side of the bed. Even in our sleep we happen to be right.

Thats my new facebook status!

[Iggypoppin']

Another good one for chuck Norris jokes: when chuck Norris jumps in water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck Norris

[Fled74]

It's the Stig on UK StreetView!
http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?sll=53...84480108548325

[FRDGAL]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

Dear Lord,

I know that I haven't talked to you that much, but this past year you have
taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farah
Fawcett, and my favorite musician, Michael Jackson,
I just wanted to let you know that my favorite prime minister is Kevin Rudd.

Amen

Ooh ouch! LOL.