What jokes do you know?

[Fled74]

My friend got himself a Cougar. Unfortunately, its an old 80's model that costs a ******** fortune to take out and it's heading for a breakdown. It's not even a car.

[BENT_8]

So there were the three sisters, Jan, Ann and Fanny.
All three had very big feet, Jans a size 9, Ann a 10 and fanny a 13.

One night Jan and Ann went on a blind date.
During the evening the men mentioned their big feet to which the girls replied,
"You should see our Fanny's, they're bloody huge!"

[BENT_8]

I went to a group Hypnosis class last night.
during the evening the hypnotist worked his magic on a group of seven footballers.
Unfortunately he dropped his microphone on his toe and shouted "bugger me"


.....What happened next will haunt me for life

[BENT_8]

So, i was going through a couple of magazines at the local Dole office...

....I was having heaps of fun, 'til the rifle jammed.

[BENT_8]

On my way home last night i noticed an Adelaide Crows season ticket nailed to a tree.
I thought, stuff it, i'll have that, you can never have too many nails....

[wingTS]

For all the Crows fans..

Knock knock

Whos there

Owen

Owen who

Owen 6

Whats does CROWS stand for

Cant Remember Own Winning Song

and lastly

There is a help line number to call if you are feeling down about your team...


1800 WON NOTHING WON NOTHING WON NOTHING..

Sorry but I had to do it....

[BENT_8]

Steggles chicken is hiring at $38.55p/hr!

When i told them how experienced some of you guys are at handling cocks, well, they said you can start monday..

[pauljh74]

What do Aliens vs Predator have in common with the General Election?

Whoever wins, we lose.
******************************

Two tips on your birthday:
1) Forget the past, you can't change it.
2) Forget the present, I didn't get you one.
******************************

For the 50th time PornHub,
I do not want to meet single girls in my area.

I'm married.
******************************

I saw an article in a magazine titled, '10 ways to make your wife come'.

I didn't bother reading it though, I'm too busy searching for 1 way to make her go.
******************************

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
******************************

Christianity is like a library: In theory it's a good idea, but it's just full of weirdos and people being inappropriate in the children's section.
******************************

Think of a number.
Multiply it by 2.
Now add 10.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 5.
Divide this by the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes.





















Dark, isn't it?
****************************

[FGII-XR6]

retirement plan

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing
home available for you - what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are
allowed to shoot 2 MP's and 2 Ministers - not necessarily dead!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals
a day, a roof over your head, central heating, and all the health care you
need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees,
kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you
as often as they do now).
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told
you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes
anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

[FGII-XR6]

AN OLD FARMER TOOK CARE OF THINGS HIS WAY !

The PM’s plane crashed in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The police chief and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the prime minister

They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

Bill, the Police officer yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you seen this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the
tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the Mr Rudd the prime minister

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."

Mr Rudd "is dead?" the Police chief shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you can never believe a word that man says."

[irlewy86]

If Garth Tander is known as "GT".



Does theat make Leanne Tander a "GT-HO"

[JimNiki]

What's brown and steamy and comes out of cows?

the port philip island ferry

[TheInterceptor]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:


Bump...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him.


FASTER...


FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.


However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping.


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, the terrified man runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart
is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find
is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and,


Hope you're ready for this!!!!









The coffin stops.

[FGII-XR6]

Aliens Are Here.

Female aliens are invading the earth and kidnapping men who are well endowed ...

You're not in any danger, I just emailed you to say goodbye.

[pandas01]

Two hookers were walking down the street when I said to the other "I can smell a man coming." The other turns to her and says "Pardon me, I just burped!"

[sarrge2001]

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning and as always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing; "Vote for Kevin Rudd, vote for Kevin Rudd"

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,

"Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive".

[SLO-04L]

if you put big condoms on big cocks
and small condoms on small cocks
what do you put on soft cocks??

.... a crows gurnsey

[micky4433]

the boss had to fire somebody & had to narrow it down to the 2 newest recruits, debra & jack. it was near impossible to decide between the 2 as they were both good workers. instead of flipping a coin or he decided that the first 1 who used the water cooler next morning, he would fire.
debra came into the office with a hangover & went straight to the water cooler to take an asprin. the boss headed over & said " debra, ive never done this before but i eitherhave to lay you or jack off"
debra replies " could you jack off, i feel like ********"

[TheInterceptor]

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2010 update

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two sheep.
The one on the left looks very attractive.....

[TheInterceptor]

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before
they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for
your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
they're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool LANE?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME **** why didn't
he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables.
What is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your *** ?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you
but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

[TheInterceptor]

Research has shown that men usually sleep on the right side of the bed. Even in our sleep we happen to be right.

[FGII-XR6]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The wife replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ,"
explained the woman. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's horse stumbled and he almost fell off. My husband looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and his horse stumbled again. Again my husband quietly said, "That's twice. " We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my husband quietly removed a revolver from his jacket and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at him, "What's wrong with you! Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that, are you crazy!?" he looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment..... we have lived happily ever after."

[FGII-XR6]

survey

[FGII-XR6]

Social injustice

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up:


You spend most of your Time in a 10X10 cell IN PRISON

You spend most of your Time in an 6X6 cubicle @ WORK

You get three meals a Day, fully paid for IN PRISON

You get a break for one meal and You have to pay for it @ WORK

For good behavior, You get time off IN PRISON

For good behavior, You get more work @ WORK

The guard locks and unlocks All the doors for you IN PRISON

You must carry a security card And open all the doors yourself @ WORK

You can watch TV And play games IN PRISON

You could get fired for watching TV and playing games @ WORK

You get your own toilet IN PRISON

You have to share the toilet with People who pee on the seat @ WORK

They allow your family And friends to visit IN PRISON

You aren't even supposed to speak To your family @ WORK

All expenses are paid by the Taxpayers with no Work required IN PRISON

You must pay all your expenses to go To work, and they deduct taxes from Your salary to pay for prisoners @ WORK

You spend most of your life behind Bars wanting to get out IN PRISON

You spend most of your time wanting To get out and go inside bars @ WORK

IN PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens

@ WORK They're called 'managers'

[pauljh74]

My mate and I stay at the special alzheimers retirement home. We try to play a joke on each other every once in a while. Yesterday I put a whoopee cushion on his favorite chair. The bloke sat on it and we all had a good laugh. Today? well today I'm going to try something different. I'm going to put a whoopee cushion under his favorite chair cant wait for the bloke to sit on it and tomorrow, the best of them yet am going to put a whoopee cushion under his favorite chair
*********************************

Megan Fox is not going to act in the upcoming sequel, "Transformers 3".

And whether she acted in 1 and 2, still remains to be seen.
*********************************

Why do women have fewer accidents on the road than men?

Because they spend half their time driving on the pavement
*********************************

What's the difference between Scientology and Christianity?

In Christianity you hear bullcrap for free.

[TheInterceptor]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the ******************* would you say?'

[TheInterceptor]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustratedly shouts, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[ltd]

Former transport minister David Campbell has been accused of going to gay sex bars. Nothing more than a media witch-hunt surely? I mean, he's a roads minister. It's obvious he was negotiating man-holes and tunnels.

[robbyg]

Two blokes having a beer at the local and one of them go to the boys room and returns and says to his mate, have just seen the strangest thing, a black fella beside me having a leak had a white ********, never seen that before he said to his mate, just as he said that the black fella walks out of the toilet, his mate turns around and says na thats not a black fella thats tommy, his a coalminer his been home for lunch.

[WOLF]

A couple of businessmen were traveling together when they approached the ticket counter that was occupied by a pretty young thing with HUGE breasts.
The older guy got his ticket and went on the plane and he was joined about 5 minutes later by his younger companion, who was red in the face and obviously extremely embarrassed.
The Older guy asked him what was wrong and the young guy told him "Well you remember the girl at the ticket counter with the large breasts?".... "Well I went up to her I meant to say .. I need a ticket to Pittsburg",,,, "But what I ended up saying was, "I need a Titty to Tittsburg"....

The older guy laughed and said "Hey we all have a slip of the tougue now and then, for instance this morning I was eating breakfast with my wife and I meant to say pass me some toast honey, instead I said "YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU F#%* ************!!!!!"