What jokes do you know?

[Mickxr8]

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "S*it, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[Mickxr8]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A
slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'??

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my
appetite.'??


At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'


He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for
food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'would you
like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'??

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm
still not hungry 'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm BLOODY
starving!

[xt3valve]

A kiwi is rooting a sheep in a paddock when a bunch of asian tourists drive past and stop. One asian yells out to the kiwi "ARE YOU SHEARING THAT SHEEP" the kiwi replies "IM NOT SHEERING IT WITH NO BODY".

[T1 Terry]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response, except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "****** the Indians." "Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up: "General Custer, 1876 ."
At that point, a student at the back said, "I'm going to puke." The teacher glared around and asked, "Right! Now, who said that?"
Chadrasekhar said, "George Bush, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair, waving his hand, and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little s***. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Chandrasekhar frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson, to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004!"

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh s***, we're really screwed now!"
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "That's an English quotation, it was British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, on the 9th of May 2010. "


T1 Terry

[zdcol71]

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Coles and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my d!ck and a car hit me.
(Stupid @&*$#...why else would I buy dog food?? )

[Fled74]

A golfer is having a really bad day at his local golf course and hits his ball into a neighbouring field.
He finds the ball in a small patch of buttercups when he hears a voice say "Please don't hit my buttercups." The man looks around then shrugs his shoulders and prepares to hit his golf ball, when he hears the voice say again, "Please don't hit my buttercups".

He then declares "Whoever is saying this, show yourself!".
A woman appears from behind a tree and says "Thanks for not hitting my buttercups. You shall receive a week's worth of free butter for your good deed." The man interrupts and says "Hang on, where were you yesterday, when I hit my ball into the pussywillows?"

[Fled74]

I walked into a fish & chip shop and asked the owner, "Do you serve Filipinos here?" He replied, "Of course we do, what would you like?"

So I said, "I'll take two Filipinos, female, crumbed and deep fried."

* * *

What's white and brown and flops around on the beach? A Filipino fighting a seagull for a fish.


(Hey, I'm Filipino, and I have the uncanny ability to laugh at myself.)

[FGII-XR6]

The Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and medicare
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the
local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended
diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with
tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't
want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam,
you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total
mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
worth 50% of the mark." ............... After a pause, the instructor
added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the
exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[FGII-XR6]

Julia Gillard's first interview.....

TV: "Congratulations Prime Minister. Before we start, as we stand here on
Thursday afternoon, do you accept that tomorrow will be Friday?"

PM: "We have always supported the standard structure of the calendar and
acknowledge that the public expect a regular system that provides the
rhythm necessary for everyday planning and life structures. We feel very
strongly about this."

TV: "So you do agree that tomorrow is Friday?"

PM: "It isn't important whether it is Friday or Monday. What is important
is that unexpected changes don't interfere with the normal expectations of
the public - and this government has a solid record in supporting those
expectations."

TV: "But as today is Thursday, surely you can confirm that tomorrow is
Friday?"

PM: "Everything is relative and whether the next day is Wednesday or Sunday
is dependent on where you stand at the time. We have never challenged the
current system and have the full support of the unions on this. Most
intelligent people agree that changes are not required."

TV: "Well then, what day is tomorrow?"

PM: "Tomorrow is the next day in our plan to further develop our marvellous
country in many areas. We plan to continue providing better health care,
reduced debt, reduced unemployment, controlled immigration and to be a
world leader in controlling global warming."

TV: "Returning to the question, can you not confirm that Friday is
tomorrow?"

PM: "Friday is always around. It has been around many times before and will
be around again many more times. Which is why we need - as a responsible
government - to plan and organise for the future. Not just for tomorrow,
but for our children and their children.

TV: "Prime Minister, the viewers are waiting for your answer on what day
you think tomorrow is?"

PM: "We are dealing with bigger issues here. The Friday, Satarday, Sunday
thing is not important or relevant to the scheme of things. They need to
understand the critical issues and focus on the matters of concern, such
as the condition of our nation and how we can continue to develop it so
that all may reap the benefit."

TV: "I'm sorry, we seem to have lost the point here again. Are you saying
that it isn't Friday tomorrow?"

PM: "The reality is that it is not important what day it is. What is
important is how we handle the situation - and my government is handling
it with solid policies evolved from the mandate the people gave us."

TV: "But we just want to know if you agree that it will be Friday
tomorrow?"

PM: "Let's remain focused here. It is the nation that is important and we
stand fast and rock steady in our dedication to the job in hand. In
closing,
let me say this one more time - we are fully committed to the task and have
commissioned a report that will enable us to develop the plans for the
future. Thank you."

TV: "Prime Minister?????????????..."

[FGII-XR6]

Will I Live to see 100? Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I had just turned
57.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 100?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink
beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, 'Not
much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I
said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you want to live to 100?

[FGII-XR6]

Internet Warning:

If you get an e-mail titled -

'Nude photo of Julia Gillard'

don't open it...


It contains a nude photo of Julia Gillard.

[Mickxr8]

Southern Piece


After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ***?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh *** for mah drink."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Divorce


A farmer walked into an attorney???s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, ???May I help you????

The farmer said, ???Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.???

The attorney said, ???Well do you have any grounds????

The farmer said, ???Yea, I got about 140 acres.??? The attorney said, ???No, you don???t understand, do you have a case????

The farmer said, ???No, I don???t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.???

The attorney said, ???No you don???t understand, I mean do you have a grudge????

The farmer said, ???Yea I got a grudge, that???s where I park my John Deere.???

The attorney said, ???No sir, I mean do you have a suit????

The farmer said, ???Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.???

The exasperated attorney said, ???Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything????

The farmer said, ???No sir, we both get up about 4:30.???

Finally, the attorney says, ???Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE????

And the farmer says, ???Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.???
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poetry Contest


The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ???Timbuktu.???

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin??? went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Accidents


National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S*it!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

[sarrge2001]

Footy Quotes from Dennis Cometti.....

'Scotty Cummings alone in the square, jumping up and down and waving his arms like they're playing My Sharona ...'

'Farmer may have an injury to his calf ... hmmm, a farmer with a calf problem ...'

'Spider had both his legs taken out from under him - leaving only the other six to balance on ...'

"Ball to Barker to Barlow - The Hawks are attacking alphabetically"

On Melbourne's Adam Yze: "A terrific player . . . terrible scrabble hand."

"Ling's running off the ground a little bit gingerly."

"Cousins, runs away from Carr ... not the first time we've seen that this season."

About Cameron Cloke who was timing his ruck work badly, something along the lines of: "He leaves his messages before the beep."

'Hay is bailed up on the boundary line . . .'

'Walker to Carr . . . that's a step up . . .'

'He's made a typo! - he wanted Bickley and he's got Buckley!'

"The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their luck, they'd probably miss."

After Darren Gaspar hits the post from 40 metres out: "Gaspar, the unfriendly post."

"Ashley McIntosh, like a good hair spray ... capable of a subtle hold."

"Ball in dispute, Lamb, now Yze the meat in the sandwich. Really Lamb should be in the sandwich."

On former Magpie, Crow and now Cat, Brenton Sanderson: "He goes much better as a mammal."

Dennis Cometti, several years ago, Fremantle v Port, Josh Carr wearing
9 for Port, crunches his brother Matthew, wearing 9 for Freo. "How's that, a two Carr collision, both with the same rego!"

Danial Metropolis playing for the Eagles was gang tackled by 3 opposition players. "Now there's a city under siege"

A few weeks ago Collingwood were 40+ points up against the Dogs. The camera focuses on David Smorgon, the Bulldogs president who is looking despondent. "Now there's a glum dog millionaire."

[prydey]

dennis cometti comes out with a lot of cheesy things but he does have a lot of good ones. very quick witted at times.


as for the julia gillard one earlier (tv interview), that doesn't sound like a joke to me. sounds like an actual interview!

[g4orce]

whats red that looks like a bucket?

a Red Bucket
HAHAHAAAH

[pauljh74]

It is often thought that many people see the shine of a white light, before their life ends.

This is true, I knew my life was over once I saw the glowing white light that shone through the doors of the wedding parlour.
***********************************

Viagra, sponsors of Germany.

For Players that can only achieve a Semi.
***********************************

My girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday & I said "Surprise me honey". So on my birthday I opened her birthday card and read: "To the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, thank you for being so understanding. All my love, Dave".
***********************************

Conversation between me and the other half.

Me: Where you been?
Her: To get a new key cut.
Me: How come?
Her: In case I lose the first one.
Me: Fair enough, where you gonna keep it?
Her: On my keys.

Idiot.

[Hardtopxb]

A gorgeous redhead front up at the doctors.
And states 'My body hurts everywhere I push it.!!
'Impossible!' Says the Doctor... 'Show me'.
The Redhead took her finger and prodded her shoulder,her elbow,and her knee. howling in pain each time.
Sighing the doc said ' You're not really a Redhead are you?.
'Well no' she said ' really a Blond!
'I thought so' said the Doctor ' your finger is broken'!!!


Trivia night.
Blond answers a question, if someone calls your name in a vacuum can you hear it?
She answers, Is it on..


Two blonds talking about one blonds Two dogs, Timex and Rolex.
'Funny name to call dogs' says one.
'Not at all ' says the other, 'they are watch dogs'.


If voting really changes things, it would be illegal.

[pauljh74]

Just bought an iPod Touch. It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls.

No, wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.
*******************************

iphone manufacturers were right to say, don't grip it too tight or you'll lose signal ...

I did as they said, dropped it and bought a decent bloody mobile off the insurance.
*******************************

I launched a paper aeroplane at my Religious Studies teacher. He asked if it was me and I denied all knowledge.

He said, "Don't lie to me, boy!"

I replied, "But you've been lying to us all afternoon, sir."
*******************************

Christianity - The religion based on the irony of a carpenter being nailed to a giant wooden cross.
*******************************

Today I went to confessional at my local church. I said to the priest: "forgive me father for I have sinned, it's been six months since my last confession."

He asked what I would like to confess so I told him: "I'm going to blackmail somebody father."
"Why?" He asked.
"Because they have committed a terrible act father."
"Why not go to the police?" Questioned the priest.
"Because I need the money father." I replied.
"What terrible act has this unfortunate soul committed?" He asked.

"I saw him touching a choir boy inappropriately, sound familiar father!?!?"
********************************

[Fled74]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You Sign!"
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit ****ed off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[FGII-XR6]

The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the
way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school
friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks
like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

[FGII-XR6]

one too many

[Mickxr8]

Aussie humour!





A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan.
Unfortunately, two million Pakistanis have died and many more are injured.
The country is in ruins.
The government doesn't know where to start with providing relief.

The rest of the world is in shock.


However.....


The USA is sending troops and dogs to search for survivors.


Saudi Arabia is sending oil.


Latin American countries are sending emergency supplies.


New Zealand is sending sheep and food parcels.


Other Asian countries are sending labour to assist in rebuilding.


Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.




Australia is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.


God Bless Australian Generosity!

[RSgerry]

An indian bloke goes to put his wifes death in the local paper, they tell him its $1 a word. He only has $4 so he says to put in, "Sanjit Patel is dead", they take pity on him and tell him he can have another 4 words free, he said thanks, put in "Sanjit Patel is dead, SHOP OPEN AS USUAL".

[pauljh74]

My wife asked me to pick up her mother from the airport and make her feel at home.
The next day when i get home my wife asks where i've been all this time. I replied "Your mums house is a fair drive"
******************************

If a woman is driving in a forest and no one is there, can we still hear her stalling it?

[Hardtopxb]

A quandary.
10 woman are in room together, not a word is bieng uttered.
How is this possible?.

They are either unconscious or dead.

[ltd]

A fella was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'

[ltd]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Fook off, doon't be daft" says Mick, " 'ave ya seen how many of their bloody owners go blind?"

[Fled74]

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little annoyed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[BuckTooth]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.

[BuckTooth]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!