Marriage - Bliss or Prison?

Originally Posted by Yellow_Festiva

As I said before. You have NFI how the system works.

I said nothing about the sytem. You said the system destroys families, I pointed out that the family unit is already destroyed before it gets to family court. Women who are happy in their marriages do not decide to just throw it all down the gurgler.

You are still assuming that everyone should just do good for each other and it will all be alright.

People who are in happy relationships generally DO "just do good for each other"

There are women that carefully plan, set up and arrange the timing of their separation for maximum financial gain and to cause maximum damage to their children and ex partners in the guise of going what's best for the children.

I'm sure there are. There are also men who do the same thing, some go as far as abducting their kids and vanishing. Look at Rowan Baxter, he got shared custody.. 3 days on week and 4 the next... 165 days out of 365... and it wasn't enough for him. He lost the plot over it and decided rather than accepting that, he'd set fire to the car his wife and kids were in, killing them all. Clearly it had nothing to do with the kids, he just viewed custody as a competition and decided there had to be a winner and a loser and he wanted to "win."

They don't care for making it work

Have a read of the articles I linked above. If a woman is not interested in making it work, it's usually because they've been trying for years and have now checked out emotionally, it's often too late by then to make it work. Have a read of that Sudden Divorce Syndrome. Women tend to (internally) abandon a relationship long before they get up and leave. One of the things they say is that many men seem to think their relationship is going swimmingly because their wife has stopped complaining/nagging about something. Instead the silence is actually the wife giving up and no longer bothering, and is emotionally detaching herself from her hubby until she eventually ups and leaves.

There are a lot of resources online (from qualified psychologists) that talk about some of the motivating factors behind divorce. Having a read of them won't do any harm, and the psychologists even say that many men end up back in relationships that last longer the next time around as they're more aware of the factors that contributed to their first divorce.

And there are even more men that have no option but to stay with an abusive or manipulative partner because it means they can see their kids every day and not be removed from their lives and forced to pay child support for the privilege of not seeing them.

You are delusional if you think this doesn't happen.

I don't think I've said that it doesn't happen. You just seem to think that every divorce comes along with a vengeful woman who's hellbent on destruction, without acknowledging that they often have their own valid reasons for leaving. Some also end amicably.

My ex wife 'earnt' over $450k after our 5yr marriage. When I met her she had less than 1 pay check in her account, a car worth $1k and an apparently poor family that needed financial help.

Out of interest, what was it about her that was the deciding factor for you to date and ultimately marry her? What qualities did she have that you wanted, and that would contribute to building the foundation of a happy relationship that would last both of you into your old age?

[Yellow_Festiva]

I think I'll leave it at that Leesa. Not because either of us are right or wrong, but because its obviously a raw point for me and the back and forth banter isn't helping either of us.

[asagaai]

Originally Posted by leesa

What do you suggest that would fix the issues in the marriage instead?

https://divorcedmoms.com/sudden-divo...ed-by-divorce/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/b...-wife-syndrome

Interesting articles.

The aspect of the lady nagging (due to frustrations and feeling unappreciated/lack of attention) and the bloke pulling away feeling resentment and also feeling unappreciated and drifting into a separate life scenario resonates.

Life is tough- finances, work, stress, kids, post birth depression, menopause, mid life crisis, and being human throw in a few "cock ups" to boot.

Amazing that humans are able to stick it out in marriage in the percentages and length that some do.

Most important thing I feel is finding a partner who has some wisdom, empathy and a sense of humor. Because as sure as death and taxes all 3 will need to be drawn on to make the marriage survive

And even though marriage is hard work, it is rewarding and worth it- I feel sorry for those who live like a tortoise going into their shell and not prepared to take the risk of living with another human and decide to live perpetually in self isolation.

Originally Posted by PG2

EDIT: I am not posting this from a moderator perspective. I just think that everyone, whether male of female, will have different opinions on what can be the most stressful time of someone's life.

I'm not here to attack anyone personally, just to provide an opinion from the other side which sometimes isn't what people want to hear. I'm ok with that, people can reply as they see fit, as long as it doesn't get personal. Sometimes hearing things from the other side can be good, for both them and myself.

[GasoLane]

Originally Posted by leesa

I'm not here to attack anyone personally, just to provide an opinion from the other side which sometimes isn't what people want to hear. I'm ok with that, people can reply as they see fit, as long as it doesn't get personal. Sometimes hearing things from the other side can be good, for both them and myself.

Can I ask how long you've been married and how is it going for you?

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by asagaai

Interesting articles.

The aspect of the lady nagging (due to frustrations and feeling unappreciated/lack of attention) and the bloke pulling away feeling resentment and also feeling unappreciated and drifting into a separate life scenario resonates.

Life is tough- finances, work, stress, kids, post birth depression, menopause, mid life crisis, and being human throw in a few "cock ups" to boot.

Amazing that humans are able to stick it out in marriage in the percentages and length that some do.

Most important thing I feel is finding a partner who has some wisdom, empathy and a sense of humor. Because as sure as death and taxes all 3 will need to be drawn on to make the marriage survive

And even though marriage is hard work, it is rewarding and worth it- I feel sorry for those who live like a tortoise going into their shell and not prepared to take the risk of living with another human and decide to live perpetually in self isolation.

It's interesting you mentioned Empathy. I find empathy (not to be confused with sympathy) is being slowly eroded away by entitlement and selfish pursuits. To be empathetic, one has to put themselves in the other persons shoes and try and imagine what that person is going through and help them through it despite your own feelings at the time. This is a fundamental aspect of marriage as far as Im concerned.

Too many are self absorbed with 'what about me-isms' and not thinking about the other person's interests. Blaming the other side for their poor behavior. It takes BOTH of the people in the marriage to work at this, not just one. Being empathetic sometimes involves having the ability to be humble too. You would be amazed with how many relationships could do with that.

Originally Posted by GasoLane

Can I ask how long you've been married and how is it going for you?

I'm not married, I don't believe in marriage personally.
I'm sure there are going to be plenty of people who feel that I shouldn't have anything to say in a thread about marriage if I'm not married and yeah perhaps that's fair, but I'd hazard a guess that I'd at least have a different perspective than most on this forum. Women aren't a mystery if you think outside the box a little bit and be open to communication, whether in a marriage or outside of one.

[ford71V8]

Originally Posted by leesa

...Women aren't a mystery if you think outside the box a little bit....

Love this line.


Just need to work out how far outside, and then how to navigate my way back to the box I can no longer see

[MercuryT]

Remembers guys if we worked harder at the relationship everything would have been absolutely fine.

[Franco Cozzo]

Hypothetical discussion here -

Your 'partner' isn't happy in the relationship and 'wants' aren't being met, maybe they've just got bored or things have taken a turn for the worse physically/mentally and they're not into it anymore.

They approach you and they've mentioned

A) Wants aren't being met
B) This has been happening for a while
C) If things don't improve they'll leave for greener pastures

They suggest opening up the relationship to involve others to sort out those 'wants' (use your imagination)

Would this end the relationship and you'll be willing to put the assets up in court or would you be open to compromise (applies to you also) for a chance of keeping decades of blood sweat and tears out of the hands of lawyers?

I've met plenty of interesting people Australia wide from all walks of life from very well off professionals and successful business owners to the 'Average Joe/Josaphine' and a common theme that comes up is that they love the mother/father of their children and their relationship but they're getting the wants serviced elsewhere by other means as it just faded/fell off.

If you're staunchly against said suggestions and it would end the relationship - is through societal/religious construct that would prevent you from heading down this path?

Don't go into detail, just an outline of your thoughts.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by Franco Cozzo

Hypothetical discussion here -

Your 'partner' isn't happy in the relationship and 'wants' aren't being met, maybe they've just got bored or things have taken a turn for the worse physically/mentally and they're not into it anymore.

They approach you and they've mentioned

A) Wants aren't being met
B) This has been happening for a while
C) If things don't improve they'll leave for greener pastures

They suggest opening up the relationship to involve others - ie could be involving sex workers or swingers parties, dating apps for casual hookups etc.

Would this end the relationship and you'll be willing to put the assets up in court or would you be open to compromise (applies to you also) for a chance of keeping decades of blood sweat and tears out of the hands of lawyers?

I've met plenty of interesting people Australia wide from all walks of life from very well off professionals and successful business owners to the 'Average Joe/Josaphine' and a common theme that comes up is that they love the mother/father of their children and their relationship but they're getting the wants serviced elsewhere by other means as it just faded/fell off.

If you're staunchly against said suggestions and it would end the relationship - is through societal/religious construct that would prevent you from heading down this path?

Don't go into detail, just an outline of your thoughts.

For me, I would question what I am doing wrong to not fulfill the 'role' in the relationship for them to look at it as a deal breaker.

That said, I am religious and very intent on keeping things monogamous. If said partner were to pursue someone outside of the confines of the marriage bond, its over as far as I'm concerned.

The non reciprocating partner would have to be abusive in the worst way to think otherwise.

As far as Im concerned, looking for 'greener pastures' is a cop out to pursue a selfish motive of gratification.

My question to those who have this line of thinking is, have you actually tried to talk and work through the problems or looking for the easy way out?

[MercuryT]

Good question Franco.

Bit hard to answer when you holiday in Sydney in top quality accom for a week, and not a bad word is mentioned, then get a file for divorce and refused access to your child a week later as with someone else the entire time.

Maybe I should have worked harder and been "open to communication" to be given that opportunity to answer your question as has been suggested (apparently) despite the other party being incredibly sneaky and blatantly lying.

[zilo]

Originally Posted by leesa

I'm not married, I don't believe in marriage personally.
.

Lisa, for a lot of guys it's all about the sex, that's why they get married.
Nice regular sex with a good lookin' gal is the implied marriage contract.

The physical attraction is what we all initially start with..
The friendship/love stuff grows with time.

If the physical stuff stops too early then it all falls apart for most.

My solution is for blokes to always marry a much younger gal...it keeps the whole thing ticking long a lot longer.

If one isnt interested in sex with the same person then getting married is a waste of time.

Originally Posted by zilo

Lisa, for a lot of guys it's all about the sex, that's why they get married.
Nice regular sex with a good lookin' gal is the implied marriage contract.

The physical attraction is what we all initially start with..
The friendship/love stuff grows with time.

If the physical stuff stops too early then it all falls apart for most.

My solution is for blokes to always marry a much younger gal...it keeps the whole thing ticking long a lot longer.

If one isnt interested in sex with the same person then getting married is a waste of time.

For the woman in that scenario, what do you think she's getting out of that relationship?

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by zilo

Lisa, for a lot of guys it's all about the sex, that's why they get married.
Nice regular sex with a good lookin' gal is the implied marriage contract.

The physical attraction is what we all initially start with..
The friendship/love stuff grows with time.

If the physical stuff stops too early then it all falls apart for most.

My solution is for blokes to always marry a much younger gal...it keeps the whole thing ticking long a lot longer.

If one isnt interested in sex with the same person then getting married is a waste of time.

I view sex as a major component part of the relationship but not the most integral part. Afterall, it's helps us to procreate as a species does it not?

For me, having someone who satisfies the intellectual, emotional and spiritual side of the relationship is far more important as this part rarely dies off. The sex part comes naturally and is far more gratifying long term.

On the other hand, if you view the success of a relationship based on how good they are in bed, they you are bound to fail in the long run. You'll eventually get bored of each other then look for the next fling. Where's the commitment?

[zilo]

Originally Posted by leesa

For the woman in that scenario, what do you think she's getting out of that relationship?

easy...the sex as often as she wants.

[98TLS]

Originally Posted by zilo

Lisa, for a lot of guys it's all about the sex, that's why they get married.
Nice regular sex with a good lookin' gal is the implied marriage contract.

The physical attraction is what we all initially start with..
The friendship/love stuff grows with time.

If the physical stuff stops too early then it all falls apart for most.

My solution is for blokes to always marry a much younger gal...it keeps the whole thing ticking long a lot longer.

If one isnt interested in sex with the same person then getting married is a waste of time.

So whilst you tapped that out theres some young asian chick sitting on the couch thinking wtf did i end up here for?That aside i cant for the life of me think of anyone i know that got married for sex

[zilo]

Originally Posted by blueoval

I view sex as a major component part of the relationship but not the most integral part. Afterall, it's helps us to procreate as a species does it not?

nah...the gay gals have IVF now...problem solved
Of course you know we aren't an endangered species?
Procreation need is an anachronism.

Originally Posted by blueoval

For me, having someone who satisfies the intellectual, emotional and spiritual side of the relationship is far more important as this part rarely dies off. The sex part comes naturally and is far more gratifying long term.

We all have a story to tell mate....never heard that at the post V8 Supercars after party though...
(Prolly cause they would get tossed over the balcony...)

Originally Posted by blueoval

On the other hand, if you view the success of a relationship based on how good they are in bed, they you are bound to fail in the long run. You'll eventually get bored of each other then look for the next fling. Where's the commitment?

Eventually bored? is that being empathetic?

[zilo]

Originally Posted by 98TLS

So whilst you tapped that out theres some young asian chick sitting on the couch thinking wtf did i end up here for?That aside i cant for the life of me think of anyone i know that got married for sex

Mr and Mrs Trump....?

I know plenty of guys who have married filipino gals...gals who knew exactly what they were doing...especially after sealing the deal with a baby.

[buggerlugs]

So the question has to be asked, is Marriage important in this day and age ?

[prydey]

Originally Posted by blueoval

I view sex as a major component part of the relationship but not the most integral part. Afterall, it's helps us to procreate as a species does it not?

For me, having someone who satisfies the intellectual, emotional and spiritual side of the relationship is far more important as this part rarely dies off. The sex part comes naturally and is far more gratifying long term.

On the other hand, if you view the success of a relationship based on how good they are in bed, they you are bound to fail in the long run. You'll eventually get bored of each other then look for the next fling. Where's the commitment?

Well said mate. The 'physical' side is always changing with age both in looks and activities. If that's all a relationship is based on them I agree, it's set up for failure.
Personally I believe a spouse must have similar/same morals, beliefs and values.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by zilo

nah...the gay gals have IVF now...problem solved
Of course you know we aren't an endangered species?
Procreation need is an anachronism.

Very true. I guess I have that desire built into me. I can't answer for others.

Originally Posted by zilo

We all have a story to tell mate....never heard that at the post V8 Supercars after party though...
(Prolly cause they would get tossed over the balcony...)

perhaps, but I don't see it as an impossible dream. No relationship is perfect. If you can strive to find something realistic though, I dont think having those compatibilities is impossible. Perhaps rare?

Originally Posted by zilo

Eventually bored? is that being empathetic?

Well I guess that depends on the type of relationship you're pursuing.

[MercuryT]

Marrying based on sex is a very bad idea imo.

However I was still screwed over with basically no sex anyway, so now I'm thinking it might actually be the way to go! ha

[Franco Cozzo]

Originally Posted by buggerlugs

So the question has to be asked, is Marriage important in this day and age ?

I'm going to say no but I don't exactly have the best role models

To me its an old religious concept and with defacto rules partners are pretty much entitled to the same stuff as married couples anyway.

[blueoval]

Originally Posted by prydey

Well said mate. The 'physical' side is always changing with age both in looks and activities. If that's all a relationship is based on them I agree, it's set up for failure.
Personally I believe a spouse must have similar/same morals, beliefs and values.

As Ive grown older I have come to realize its what I can put in the relationship rather than what I can get out of it.

Again, something that isn't at the forefront of some relationships.

Originally Posted by zilo

easy...the sex as often as she wants.

Let's be honest, pretty much any woman could find a man willing to have sex within half an hour. Why would get she get married for it?
Have a bit of a deeper think... in the scenario that you described.. what is the woman getting out of that relationship?

Originally Posted by MercuryT

However I was still screwed over with basically no sex anyway, so now I'm thinking it might actually be the way to go to - at least have something positive to remember from the marriage when partner caught cheating etc! ha

Lack of sex in a relationship isn't a problem.
Lack of sex in a relationship is a symptom of a different problem.

Very generally speaking, most women lose interest in sex when there's a problem in the relationship (from her perspective). It could be something small like disagreements about housework, mental load, not spending enough time together, yadda yadda. Men seem to ignore those issues and still want sex but I can almost guarantee you that she's going to lose interest. She'll probably then start trying to communicate to get the issues sorted and the sex drive will return... or it won't... and we all know where that ends up.

[prydey]

Originally Posted by blueoval

As Ive grown older I have come to realize its what I can put in the relationship rather than what I can get out of it.

Again, something that isn't at the forefront of some relationships.

Again, I agree. It's why my cycling is mainly commuting now as the weekends are spent with the family.

[MercuryT]

Originally Posted by leesa

Lack of sex in a relationship isn't a problem.
Lack of sex in a relationship is a symptom of a different problem.

Very generally speaking, most women lose interest in sex when there's a problem in the relationship (from her perspective). It could be something small like disagreements about housework, mental load, not spending enough time together, yadda yadda. Men seem to ignore those issues and still want sex but I can almost guarantee you that she's going to lose interest. She'll probably then start trying to communicate to get the issues sorted and the sex drive will return... or it won't... and we all know where that ends up.

Thanks Oprah.

Originally Posted by MercuryT

Thanks Oprah.

It's true!

Think of a relationship with a chick as being like an engine.. it needs some tlc, you can't neglect it and expect it to make it to 200'000km, flooring it down the highway every night, and just one bad spark plug can be enough to cause it to run rough.

It's probably not going to be one major mishap that ultimately ruins it, it's more likely to be the not doing regular oil and filter changes so little bits of **** get in and gradually destroy the engine over time, from within. Little by little until one day it just doesn't run anymore.

regular maintenance... keep your chick well oiled... so to speak.. on both counts.. cough.