What jokes do you know? - Page 7

Fantome · 27-06-2008, 11:51 AM

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

guitarman · 29-06-2008, 01:22 AM

(Policeman wakes up a drunk sleeping behind Dinmore train station)

(Policeman): "What's your name, mate?"

(Drunk, trying to be suave): "Bond's the name!............Vaga Bond!)

(Policeman): "Oh, trying to be smart with me, you @#$%%!"

(Drunk): "C'mon, mate, I don't mind bein' shaken, but not stirred, OK!"

**Burnout** · 29-06-2008, 07:48 AM

An American tourist in Dublin decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area... big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a member of the Garda, who says, "I'm afraid you can't do that here sir."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Garda, "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the Garda. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Garda "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "Irish Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Garda, "that is what we call the British Embassy."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Irish father O'Malley got up one fine spring morning and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went something like this ...

"What a grand mornin' it is! This is Sgt. Flaherty - how might I help ye?"

"This is Father O'Malley at St. Bridget's. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn. Would ye mind sending a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit, so he said "Well,
now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

CLEVER SAYINGS

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

2. A backward poet writes inverse.

3. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

4. Dijon vu, the same mustard as before.

5. Practice safe eating: always use safe condiments.

6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

7. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really just a form of floor play.

10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is too tired.

15. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

17. In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

18. She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but broke it off.

19. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

20. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

21. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

22. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

24. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

25. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

26. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

27. Every calendar's days are numbered.

28. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

29. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

30. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

31. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

32. Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

33. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

34. Bakers trade bread recipes on a kneed to know basis.

35. Santa' helpers are subordinate clauses.

36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

37. A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her, wondering what had happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

- - - - - - - - - - - -

FUNNY MOTOR INSURANCE CLAIMS

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew
this.

Little Johnny said, "Well ... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
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Luigi and Giuseppie decide that to become gainfully employed in their new country - they would become truckies. After some training they go to the MVR to sit their tests. Giuseppie is first up, and he and the examiner head out on the road.

Giuseppie is doing fine and the examiner starts to talk to him as he is put through his paces. After a while, they're driving down a steep hill and the examiner asks "Suppose you were coming down this hill and a car comes out from your left and almost at the same instant, one comes out from your right?"

"I'ma go aright. Alefta, aright, an I missem by thisa mucha" (he indicates a small distance with thumb and forefinger).

"Very good" said the examiner.

Luigi's turn comes around and the examiner starts the same routine. "Suppose you are coming down this hill, a car shoots out on you left and another on your right - and at that instant your brakes fail. What would you do?".

Without hesitation, Luigi says, "Ima gunna wake upa Giuseppie".

A bit taken back, the examiner asks "Why would you do that?".

"Because" explains Luigi, "He's never seen a en abig accident likea dis before!"

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found the other one in my truck."

Brave man jokes - Pretty funny

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: 'This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year'.

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 10seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

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Road Games · 29-06-2008, 09:25 AM

Married for a Night

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to
other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper
bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently
woke
the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be
willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that
we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your
own fuc%#n blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Road Games · 29-06-2008, 10:35 PM

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S.
Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MYSISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
_________________

Fev · 30-06-2008, 12:15 PM

bahahahahaha!!! gettin better and better! although im not gettin much work done! :P

pepsi.can · 30-06-2008, 12:20 PM

Q. What does a woman and a freezer have in common?
A. They both leak when they are fukt.

Q. Why was the woman crossing the road?
A. More the point, what was she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why don't women need wrist watches?
A. There's a clock on the oven.

Fev · 30-06-2008, 12:33 PM

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it." The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, Honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No Honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The wife gets really mad and is about to explode when the husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!"

*****************

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.

*****************

Little Tommy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed". Tommy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed" and little Tommy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then little Tommy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed" and little Tommy started to laugh.

His grandmother asked "what give's? every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?"

Little Tommy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead".

**Burnout** · 30-06-2008, 01:49 PM

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a bat-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturised printer, turns around to the shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"

"That's right. Take one of the sheep" says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select an animal and bundle it in his Cherokee.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not!" answers the young man.

"You're a consultant" says the shepherd.

"That's right" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here even though nobody called you, you want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution of, and you don't know anything about my business - because you took my dog."

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.
I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

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That's not right. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -> Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? - - - - - - - --> Hu Ya Hai Ding?

See me ASAP. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --> Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -> Dum Gai

Small Horse. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Tai NiPo Ni

Did you go to the beach? - - - - - - - - - - - > Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - - - - - - - - -> Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift. - - - - - - - - -> Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. - - - - - - - - - - - -> Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. - - - - - - - - -> Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - - - - - - - - - - - > No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?- - - - > Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. - - - - - - - - - - - > Yu So Dum

I got this for free. - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer. - - - - - - - - - -> Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. - - - > Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. - - - - - - - - - - - - - --> Lei Lou

He's cleaning his automobile. - - - - - - - - -> Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. - - - - - - - - - > Yu Stin Ki Pu

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The Phone Call

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

...... Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it,
Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

******Longer Pause******

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask a question and tapped the driver on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb scattering pedestrians in every direction,
and stopped just inches from a huge plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says .......

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Funny how simple it is for people to trash different ways of living and
believing, and then wonder why the world is going to hell.

Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread
like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding life's
choices, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through
cyberspace, but the public discussion of morality is suppressed in the
school and workplace.

Funny how when we go to forward messages like this we will not send it
to many on our address list because we're not sure what they believe,
or what they will think of us for sending it to them.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us
than what we think of ourselves.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house your car, boat, dog………..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in
the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearly tab le. The wife asks, "do you know her?" "Yes", sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since". "My God" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

10 Characteristics of the Company Car

* Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
* Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
* Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
* The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
* It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
* It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
* The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
* Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
* It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
* It is especially sand and waterproofed for barbeques and fishing
expeditions on remote beaches.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

mik · 30-06-2008, 11:11 PM

a horse goes into a bar, bar tender says why the long face.
sorry

:.

DENKO · 30-06-2008, 11:32 PM

i bought a racehorse today! i've decided to call him "My Face". i don't care if he doesn't win a race, or make me any money. I just want to hear thousands of those posh tarts at Flemington shouting " Come on My Face"

how many lebo's does it take to change a light bulb?

10, 1 changes it and the other 9 tell him his " fully sick"

uranium_death · 01-07-2008, 01:49 PM

What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

When they look next door, they both see rubble.

TOASTED · 01-07-2008, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burnedout

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a bat-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturised printer, turns around to the shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"

"That's right. Take one of the sheep" says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select an animal and bundle it in his Cherokee.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not!" answers the young man.

"You're a consultant" says the shepherd.

"That's right" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here even though nobody called you, you want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution of, and you don't know anything about my business - because you took my dog."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.
I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

That's not right. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -> Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive? - - - - - - - --> Hu Ya Hai Ding?

See me ASAP. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --> Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -> Dum Gai

Small Horse. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Tai NiPo Ni

Did you go to the beach? - - - - - - - - - - - > Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. - - - - - - - - -> Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift. - - - - - - - - -> Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. - - - - - - - - - - - -> Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. - - - - - - - - -> Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. - - - - - - - - - - - > No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?- - - - > Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. - - - - - - - - - - - > Yu So Dum

I got this for free. - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer. - - - - - - - - - -> Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. - - - > Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. - - - - - - - - - - - - - --> Lei Lou

He's cleaning his automobile. - - - - - - - - -> Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. - - - - - - - - - > Yu Stin Ki Pu

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The Phone Call

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

...... Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it,
Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

******Longer Pause******

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ... Is this 486-5731??"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask a question and tapped the driver on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb scattering pedestrians in every direction,
and stopped just inches from a huge plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says .......

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Funny how simple it is for people to trash different ways of living and
believing, and then wonder why the world is going to hell.

Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread
like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding life's
choices, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through
cyberspace, but the public discussion of morality is suppressed in the
school and workplace.

Funny how when we go to forward messages like this we will not send it
to many on our address list because we're not sure what they believe,
or what they will think of us for sending it to them.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us
than what we think of ourselves.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house your car, boat, dog………..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in
the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearly tab le. The wife asks, "do you know her?" "Yes", sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since". "My God" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

10 Characteristics of the Company Car

* Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
* Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
* Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
* The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
* It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
* It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
* The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
* Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
* It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
* It is especially sand and waterproofed for barbeques and fishing
expeditions on remote beaches.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

gees mate i hope your wife and your boss dont read these lol

**Burnout** · 01-07-2008, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by craigosmoddedEF

gees mate i hope your wife and your boss dont read these lol

Thanks for your obvious concern!

RSgerry · 01-07-2008, 11:27 PM

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!' and proceeds to
empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner.

'I think my missus caught a glimpse.'

**Burnout** · 02-07-2008, 09:22 AM

Every night Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack,
bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he
finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again.
The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The
cockroach was standing there. The bug nearly beat the life out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "It's just a nasty bug that's going around"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court"
(Things people actually said in court, word for word)

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July the fifteenth.
Q: Yes, but which year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 199.
Q: And where is milepost 199?
A: Probably between milepost 198 and 200.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a cult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: Which disco is this?
--------------------------------------------------------------------

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to
small animals.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your determination and sense of humour will come to the fore.
Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a
sick sense of humour.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the cup is clean!"
Waiter exits, then returns:
Waiter: "Two teas. Now, who wanted the clean cup?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

The newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the big, burly husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. "Hell," he said, "I can't get into these."
"That's right," she said, "and that's the way it's going to be until
your attitude changes."

At a cocktail party, a man got totally plastered, went up to the host
and, in a slurred voice, asked, "Excuse me, but do lemons have feathers?"
"I beg your pardon?" replied the host.
The drunk asked again, "Do lemons have feathers?" as he struggles to hold his balance.
A rather bemused host responded, "No, I don't think so."
The drunk sheepishly said: ".... oopsie...!"
"What?" asked the host.
"I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax
and proceed to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asks the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight,' the boy replies.
The man continues, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
'Not exactly,' the boy says. 'But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

To really succeed in a business or organisation, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your co-workers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm new here. What's the actual title of my position?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organisations:

1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,

2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No.2 - going to meetings - as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single stupid decision unless you learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brain-
storming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!"
This went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced
anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that this was serious, and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda". At that point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born.
This never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a
funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always re-appear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie "Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:

1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Anzac
Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in kindergarten, with everyone getting to say something - the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.

When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on
whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it. My guess is that this is how they do it in Japan.

2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a senior manager (in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it, although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career).

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is that they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame So you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. A good approach here is to set fire to your tie.

Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the CEO of the organisation, or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have calls from the chief and the Pope."

You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this:

(picture of doodled rectangles)

If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this:

(Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss)

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him,

"Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

**Peuty** · 02-07-2008, 09:42 AM

Hahaha nice one Burnedout!

guitarman · 02-07-2008, 01:11 PM

Burned out?.....No, he's still on fire!

**Burnout** · 02-07-2008, 10:07 PM

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola
whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year
Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully
they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their
Senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all
respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and
finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic
world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either
Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney
and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world,
Catholic, Protestant and secular was surprised to learn that
Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio was beyond surprise,
he was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio
knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the
Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which
he candidly asked, "Why Timothy"?

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered
Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two,
but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the
Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks it into the woods on the side of the
fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little
guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man
says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says,
"I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun.

"And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you
mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter ethodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Benefits of growing older

1. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
2. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
3. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM.
4. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
5. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
6. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.
7. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
10. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
11. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

This Victorian dies and is sent to hell (as he deserves) and when the devil sees this bloke wearing his footy club scarf, he decides to make him pay.
So he puts the Victorian in a chamber filled with rocks and tells him to start breaking them. The devil puts the temperature up so high the rocks are almost melting and wanders off to go inflict hell on someone else.

A few days later he comes back and looks in the chamber. Here is the Victorian whistling as he works, happily smashing rocks with a hammer, and mopping his brow with the scarf. The devil is furious and storms in. "What do you think you are doing!" he yells at the Victorian. He replied "Ah, it reminds me of a hot summers day when the northerlies are blowing, and I am out fixing the road". The devil storms off and decided to get dirty, he stops the heat in the chamber, and turns on the water. It is thumping down rain, blowing
a gale and smells like a swamp. The devil is happy and wanders off.

A few days later he checks in again, and the Victorian is pushing his
wheelbarrow full of broken rocks through the mud and floods, but he is still whistling while he works, and wearing the scarf over his head to keep the rain out of his eyes. The devil storms in again and yells "What do you think you are doing!". The Victorian replied "Ah, this reminds me of August on the farm, the southerlies are blowing, the rain is beating down and I am clearing the fields ready for spring planting." The devil again is furious and storms out of the chamber. He decides to finish off the Victorian for good this time and turns the thermostat all the way down.

He comes by the chamber several weeks later and is stunned. The chamber is completely filled with ice, but here is the Victorian skipping around, dancing a jig and positively radiant. He has icicles hanging from his nose but he is still smiling. His lips are frozen but he is still trying to whistle, and he is now waving the scarf above his head. The devil marches in and says "What the hell is going on here ? Don't you realise it is 40 below?"
The Victorian responds gleefully "Yeah isn't it great. Hell's frozen over, so that means Collingwood has finally won the premiership!!!"

graphixboy · 03-07-2008, 09:07 AM

NSW State of Origin Side.... Now that's a gut ripper!

TOASTED · 03-07-2008, 10:36 AM

baahaaahaaa

TOASTED · 04-07-2008, 05:04 PM

this one is in another thread but i thought i might put it here anyway......
Steve Irwin was in heaven when Peter Brock shows up, Steve turns to god and says, "I asked for a croc, not a Brock!"

When i was living in adelaide, just after Shappelle Corby got busted i drove past the beauty therapist she owned, there was a sign hanging on the door sayin "back in 20"

V3RSAC3 · 04-07-2008, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by craigosmoddedEF

When i was living in adelaide, just after Shappelle Corby got busted i drove past the beauty therapist she owned, there was a sign hanging on the door sayin "back in 20"

LOL .. class

XR6_661 · 04-07-2008, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by craigosmoddedEF

When i was living in adelaide, just after Shappelle Corby got busted i drove past the beauty therapist she owned, there was a sign hanging on the door sayin "back in 20"

Is that the same as the new victa lawn mower? It's called the Shappelle and can hold 20 pounds of grass.

pauljh74 · 04-07-2008, 10:26 PM

Hearty congratulations to Venus Williams on beating Elena Dementieva to get to the final of Wimbledon.

I mean have you looked at Dementieva? She's gorgeous. How Venus managed to concentrate on her tennis with an erection is beyond me.
****************
The Williams Sisters have yet again reached the final of Wimbledon.

Given that the weather forecast for the final on Saturday is to be torrenial rain, so as not to disappoint the viewers and provide programme continuity, the BBC will be showing the film Gorillas in the mist during any rain delays.
******************
A wealthy man, a vegetarian, a Muslim woman and an American are walking down the road.

A reporter stops them and says, "excuse me, what is your opinion on the unaffordable price of meat?"

The wealthy man says, "what's 'unaffordable'?"

The vegetarian says, "what's 'meat'?"

The Muslim woman says, "what's 'an opinion'?"

and the American says, "what's 'excuse me?'"
********************
Shhhhhh!!.......
Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you....
...And you're gonna love it...........
........But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it........
....Then I'm gonna come back up again and screw you big time.....

Lots of love,
Petrol prices xx
*********************
Following the horrific murders of two French students in a South London flat, it transpires the first police officer on the scene had to rush to open the window to be sick. PC Hargreaves later said "the stench of garlic was overwhelming and I doubt they'd had a bath since they arrived here".
***********************
Police were very quick to determine that the two French students found dead in south-east London were in fact murdered and not killed just by the blaze.

Everyone knows the French can get out of any situation when someone shouts "FIRE!"
********************
Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven ?

Because if they all went, it would be hell.
*******************
I had a meal last night in the new Muslim Curry House that has opened near me

I wont be doing that again, I woke up this morning with the Shi'ite's
******************
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one."
**********************
A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, "hello I'm a reporter for the BBC and we know you're quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions." The man agrees and she asks, "so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?"

The man replies, "I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world."

The news reporter says, "Wow that's truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 70 years?"

The man replies, "I feel like I've been talking to a brick wall."
**********************
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
********************

olfella · 05-07-2008, 11:30 AM

I drove into the back of someone last night in town.

When the bloke in front got out he was a dwarf.

He came towards me and he said "I'm not happy".

I said "Which one are you then"?

guitarman · 05-07-2008, 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by olfella

I drove into the back of someone last night in town.

When the bloke in front got out he was a dwarf.

He came towards me and he said "I'm not happy".

I said "Which one are you then"?

A beauty, mate!

If he was driving a V8 Ford ute, it could've been Grumpy

guitarman · 05-07-2008, 01:51 PM

What's the difference between a Man and a Pig?

Pigs don't get drunk and act like Men

guitarman · 05-07-2008, 05:36 PM

Roger Waters is starting up a new band, with a giant helium-inflatable Dave Gilmour mascot flying overhead at the concerts.

Rumour has it that the band will be named after his other missing mascot - Pig Floyd

guitarman · 05-07-2008, 06:11 PM

Dave Gilmour is starting up a new band, with a giant helium-inflatable Roger Waters mascot flying overhead at the concerts.

Rumour has it that the band will be named after Rogers shredded pig - 'My Waters Broke'