What jokes do you know?

[BuckTooth]

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl%$job

[BuckTooth]

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful

[BuckTooth]

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business

[BuckTooth]

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go..'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN

I hope no one is upset by the previous few jokes. They are only meant in good humour

[pauljh74]

BBC News: A cargo plane, carrying discontinued Japanese car parts, exploded over central England earlier today.

And now, the weather...

It's raining Datsun cogs.
*****************************

In school I took a Fonzie impersonation class.

I got straight Eyyyyyyys.
*****************************

A little girl asked her father, 'do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time"?
The father replied, 'No, some begin with - If elected I promise...
*****************************

Yesterday I went fishing.

The first fish I caught was a trout. As I reeled it in, it turned round to me and said, "you know, you have lovely eyes. They really match the bright blue water here in the lake". Feeling rather speechless after this strange confidence boost, I decided to do the nice thing, and return it to the lake.

The second fish I caught was a large mackerel. As I reeled it in, it turned round to me and said, "I'm a pretty big fish you know. You must be a very strong man to have caught me, have you been working out?" Again, feeling rather taken aback by this, I decided to return the strange, talking fish to the lake.

The third fish I caught was a pike. As I reeled it in, it turned round to me. "Bugger off you bastard!" it said. "And stop fishing for compliments!"
********************************

When I was a kid, Mum would send me to the shops with $1. I could get a Mars bar, bag of mixed lollies, a comic book, can of coke, big bag of chips, stick on tattoos & a gob stopper AND still come home with loads of change....
You can't do that these days........

Not since they installed CCTV.

[Jamie8791]

not sure if this has been posted or not, but here goes anyways.

theres an english bloke, arabic bloke and an aussie bloke sitting at a bar chatting.

the english bloke says "i've got 10 sons all i need is 1 more and i can have myself my own football (soccer) team"..

the aussie bloke follows by saying "yea same here mate i've got 10 sons as well i just need 1 more then i can have my own cricket team"..

the arabic bloke goes "i've got 17 wives, all i need is 1 more and i'll have an 18 hole golf course"

[Resurrection]

Three men at a bar were arguing about what type of engineer God is to have designed the human body.

The first man claimed "God is a mechanical engineer as only they could have designed the skeleton to be so strong and flexible"

The second man claimed "God is an electrical engineer as only they could have designed the brain and central nerve system to control the human body".

The third man claimed "God is a civil engneer".

"How is that possible?" asked his drinking buddies.

To which he responded "only a civil engineer would put a playground next to a toxic waste dump".

[Mickxr8]

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself.

2 Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

3 Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

4 For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

5 A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

6 If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

7 You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

8 Remember - Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them.

9 If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

[Mickxr8]

Subject: IGA





Yesterday I was at my local IGAs buying a large bag of Purina dog
food for my Daughters Springer Spaniel and was in the checkout queue
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's **** and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the IGA.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be
their laugh for the day.

[FGII-XR6]

One day the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$500 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much
better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas.'" The
golf pro didn't know what a "gotcha" was, but he went along with it. And
off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to
see the golf pro paying the duffer $500. "What happened?" asked one of the
members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought
the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my
crotch while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of
golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

[FGII-XR6]

How fast can you guess these words?

1. BOO_S
2. _ _NDOM
3. F_ _K
4. P_N_S
5. PU_S_
6. S_X


-
-
-
-
-
-

-
-
Answers:
1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. FORK
4. PANTS
5. PULSE
6. SIX

You got all 6 wrong....didn' t you?

[DJR-351]

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, staring at
herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for
her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking morosely at
herself in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there
was...

Four hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Barbie Happy
Meal with extra fries and a large chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, ice cream, a huge Coca Cola,
and all her favourite sweets from the Pic N' Mix counter

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed,
exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well
darling - what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, and trying really
hard, he is going get it SO wrong.

[Mickxr8]

You think English is easy???
Read to the end . . A new twist

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row...

13) They were too close to the door to close it..

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..
******************
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night...

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP ...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........it is time to shut UP !

Oh .. . . One more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U-P

[Mickxr8]

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
< /DIV>
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.



26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.


28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[terri tx]

A husband goes home to his wife with a big bunch of flowers. Wife says "I suppose Ill have to open my legs tonight?", husband says "what, we don't have any vases in the house?"

[terri tx]

What did the blind man say as he walkied past the fish market?
"Good morning ladies".

[Fled74]

Three men were captured by Amazons and told their willies would be removed in a way appropriate to their job.

The first man was a lumberjack, so his willy would be chopped off!

The second man was a butcher, so his willy would be sliced off!

The third man started laughing. His captors, puzzled by this, asked "why are you laughing?"

The man replied "I work in a lollipop factory!"

[T1 Terry]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had ***** all', he says, 'F-*-C-K A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny immediately says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got ***** all for breakfast'.

T1 Terry

[Jason[98.EL]]

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.
There were four men ...

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?



* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish
* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green.

[pauljh74]

I see that Chelsea Clinton's daddy bought her wedding dress

Its not the first time he's splashed out on a woman's dress !!!
**********************

When getting into a fight in a pub. Don't concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub's attention.
Then calmly walk to the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell
"At least I'm not a paedophile".
The seed planted into everyone's mind will do more long term damage than any punch could ever do.
**********************

RECIPE: HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
**************************

[FGII-XR6]

Got my son an *iPhone* for his birthday the other week.

Got my daughter an *iPod* for hers.

I was chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an *iPad* for
Father's day.

I got my wife an *iRon* for her birthday. It was around then the fight
started ...

[FGII-XR6]

My wife said that she's going to leave me. But before she does, she is
going to make sure that my bank balance is $0. That's nice of her, paying
off my overdraft.

[ltd]

Elton John went to a tattoo parlour in Surrey, where he asked the tattooist to put a rolls royce on his old fella. Surprised by who it was, the tattooist complied and got to work. When he finished, Elton inspected the job and was angry at what he saw.
"I asked for a rolls royce, you've put a toyota landcruiser on there!" The tattooist replies; "I thought it's a better fit, considering all the crap that it's going to go through"

[sarrge2001]

An Irish couple, just married, turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

The hotel receptionist asks: “Do you have reservations?”

Bride says: “I’m a bit worried about taking it up the ar$e”

[adelaidecrows02]

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and
a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'

[russellw]

Can we please just bear in mind that this area is a mixed gender area when posting jokes.

Cheers
Russ

[MNM96]

Originally Posted by russellw

Can we please just bear in mind that this area is a mixed gender area when posting jokes.

Cheers
Russ

not to mention children are not restricted!

[pauljh74]

I used to go to A.A meetings. We would meet up in the pub, get absolutely wasted and not tell each other our names.

Anonymous Alcoholics was great.
***************************

Tiger Woods was so bad yesterday at the Bridgestone invitational yesterday.

The last time Tiger hit that many trees was when he was trying to get his car out of the driveway.
***************************

My girlfriend just called me a c**t. I said, "I'm impressed babe, not many people can pronounce asterisks."

[FGII-XR6]

I takes a truly sick and twisted mind to make fun of an organisation that helps millions of people worldwide (me included) to break the cycle of alcohol addiction. well done

Originally Posted by pauljh74

I used to go to A.A meetings.

[xy500]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

I takes a truly sick and twisted mind to make fun of an organisation that helps millions of people worldwide (me included) to break the cycle of alcohol addiction. well done

hahaha that's even funnier than the joke!
way to be touchy about it, everybody don't make a joke about any group or organisation anymore! they might get offended!