What jokes do you know?

[Jason[98.EL]]

Originally Posted by xy500

hahaha that's even funnier than the joke!
way to be touchy about it, everybody don't make a joke about any group or organisation anymore! they might get offended!

have you ever thought that some people need the support from these places

grow a brain and think about it

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

I takes a truly sick and twisted mind to make fun of an organisation that helps millions of people worldwide (me included) to break the cycle of alcohol addiction. well done

You've figured me out.
The site I found it on - half the stuff I find funny I can't post here - so that joke is pretty tame

Originally Posted by au3xr6

just a joke lighten up I went through my last 2 posts and 2 dealt with ethnic groups I would hardly call that " uncomfortable with immigrants" i am uncomfortable with immature fools who over analyse humor and play the "racist card" for no valid reason if you come to a joke page you will find something that goes against your section of the community at some stage so as I said lighten up

Different subject but similar message applies - it is a joke page - we come here to post jokes in an attempt at humour, not specifically to offend. Lighten up

[grandpa_spec_F6]

I do believe I know the site you speak of pauljh74, and there is definately worse on there, but it doesn't mean the "tame" stuff still won't offend others.

Obviously it struck a nerve, we're all human, it happens. Bearing in mind that its a joke page though, someone is bound to be offended at some point, including myself a few times in the past.

lets try and keep it light and civil and move on

For the nerds on the forums, I found this earlier:

1. When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it’s across the room.
2. All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
3. Chuck Norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
4. Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
5. Chuck Norris can’t test for equality because he has no equal.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
7. Chuck Norris’s first program was kill -9.
8. Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
9. All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
10. MySpace actually isn’t your space, it’s Chuck’s (he just lets you use it).
11. Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.
12. Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
13. The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
14. Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
15. Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations…ever.
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him.
17. “It works on my machine” always holds true for Chuck Norris.
18. Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
19. Chuck Norris doesn’t do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
20. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
21. Chuck Norris’s beard can type 140 wpm.
22. Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
23. Chuck Norris doesn’t bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
24. Chuck Norris’s keyboard doesn’t have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
25. When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message “Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?”.

[RG]

Pffft. Chuck Norris is a pussy compared to Bear Grylls.

[grandpa_spec_F6]

I don't want to turn this into a chuck norris vs Bear Grylls..... oh I'm lying!

http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question...7083207AA0HWWj

[SpoolMan]

No more jokes with the words being written to dodge the swear filter...
eg: ##ck, c#n#, etc, etc..
There are other places on the net for posting this type of content..

[MNM96]

Originally Posted by SpoolMan

No more jokes with the words being written to dodge the swear filter...
eg: ##ck, c#n#, etc, etc..
There are other places on the net for posting this type of content..

What ab*ut if we use t##m in nor#*l word*, j*st for the lau%hs?

[LTDHO]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

I used to go to A.A meetings. We would meet up in the pub, get absolutely wasted and not tell each other our names.

Anonymous Alcoholics was great.
***************************

Funny thing is, the first thing you say at a Alcholics anonymous meeting is intorduce yourself..

[balthazarr]

Originally Posted by RG

Pffft. Chuck Norris is a pussy compared to Bear Grylls.

Bear Grylls?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UpSlpvb1is

[Fled74]

The only reason Bruce Lee beat Chuck Norris in "Way of the Dragon" is because Chuck hadn't grown his Beard of Invincibility yet.

[Iggypoppin']

Originally Posted by MNM96

What ab*ut if we use t##m in nor#*l word*, j*st for the lau%hs?

I've only had one beer and that was near on impossible to decipher. Don't ever do that again!

[FGII-XR6]

The anonymity is to the general public not to other members and when you say your name it is only first name or first name and initial fou example you will say I'm fred or I'm Fred S not I'm Fred Smith

Originally Posted by LTDHO

Funny thing is, the first thing you say at a Alcholics anonymous meeting is intorduce yourself..

[FGII-XR6]

Bruce Lee's last movie was about a transvestite martial arst club it was called "enter with drag on"

Originally Posted by Fled74

The only reason Bruce Lee beat Chuck Norris in "Way of the Dragon" is because Chuck hadn't grown his Beard of Invincibility yet.

[LTDHO]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

The anonymity is to the general public not to other members and when you say your name it is only first name or first name and initial fou example you will say I'm fred or I'm Fred S not I'm Fred Smith

Did you forget about this being a joke thread?

[FGII-XR6]

no I honestly thought you didn't understand the concept so i explained it. But jokes about organisations that help other people in need are in poor taste. there is nothing funny about what leads people to AA

Originally Posted by LTDHO

Did you forget about this being a joke thread?

[FGII-XR6]

some food for thought with the election coming up
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors,
and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change
their underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The
Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy,
you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.
Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but
don't count on things smelling any better.

[SpoolMan]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but
don't count on things smelling any better.

Very much like this thread of late.....

[T1 Terry]

See if this helps
The Ant and the Grasshopper

This one is a little different.... Two Different Versions.... Two Different Morals

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


OLD VERSION

The ant
works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away..



Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.


Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
Channels 7, 9 and 10,the ABC and SBS show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with food.
Australia is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper
and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where
the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'
Cardinal George Pell then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

The prime Minister condemns the ant and blames John Howard, Robert Menzies, Capt
James Cook, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.
Bob Brown exclaims in an interview on Today Tonight
“the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper”, and calls for an immediate tax hike on
the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the govt parties of the day draft the Economic Equity
& Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs
and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government
and given to the grasshopper.



The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food
while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again!

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders
who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Why am I not laughing


T1 Terry

[Fled74]

Not sure if this is true, but if it is, she got so pwned.

In her US radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:


Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination . End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia.
It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.

[Velociraptor82]

Illinois Crazy Law
The English language is not to be spoken.


You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.

You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.


You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.


Chicago
It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.


In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.


Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.


Kites may not be flown within the city limits.


It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.


Spitting is forbidden


It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.


Champaign
One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.


Cicero
Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.


Crete
Cars may not be driven through the town.


Des Plaines
Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.


Eureka
A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.


Evanston
It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.


Bowling is forbidden.


It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.


Fairfield
It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.


Freeport
It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.


Galesburg
There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.


Homer
It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.


Joliet
Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.


Kenilworth
A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow. Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.


Kirkland
Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.


Moline
Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.


There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.


Morton Grove
You may not own a handgun


Normal
It is against the law to make faces at dogs.


Orland Prak
No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.


Ottawa
Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.


Park Ridge
Trucks may only park inside closed garages.


Peoria
Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.


Zion
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

[Mickxr8]

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his *** while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

[Mickxr8]

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know their supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!" He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost. "Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!" The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"

[bungarra]

Auslandau, why was my post deemed not appropriate?

[bungarra]

Sorry Auslandau, someone told me why, apparently a big Julia Gillard fan?

[Fled74]

Inappropriate for a family-friendly forum, but still damn funny.

[bungarra]

I went to KFC last night and low and behold, those pieces are able to be ordered!! Better not take kiddies to KFC

[RG]

To those that wish to continually harp on about a certain line of jokes being offensive, how about prior to being morally outrages you go back and have a look at some of the jokes you have posted yourselves.

It's a bit rich to be so highly offended when you yourselves have made jokes about groups/minorities.

[FGII-XR6]

the post about AA was not a joke it was an ignorant ill informed dumb statement by someone who obviously has no idea what AA does and how many millions of people it helps. it is not funny to make fun of a caring compassionate organisation like this.
Yes I get offended when someone shows their ignorance by making fun of AA, they saved my life many years ago and I will defend the integrity of AA till I draw my last breath

[Fev]

..... Get over it... Everyone...

[RG]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

the post about AA was not a joke it was an ignorant ill informed dumb statement by someone who obviously has no idea what AA does and how many millions of people it helps. it is not funny to make fun of a caring compassionate organisation like this.
Yes I get offended when someone shows their ignorance by making fun of AA, they saved my life many years ago and I will defend the integrity of AA till I draw my last breath

But it's ok to joke about the mentally slow, the Irish, women, the French, Julia Gillard etc?

If you are offended by this don't you think there would be others that would be offended by your jokes? Considering that there WILL be someone offended by them don't you think you should afford them the same consideration and not post anymore jokes here.

People getting their backs up in this thread will see its demise, that you can be sure of.