What jokes do you know?

[MYVYSS]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

the post about AA was not a joke it was an ignorant ill informed dumb statement by someone who obviously has no idea what AA does and how many millions of people it helps. it is not funny to make fun of a caring compassionate organisation like this.
Yes I get offended when someone shows their ignorance by making fun of AA, they saved my life many years ago and I will defend the integrity of AA till I draw my last breath

You need to chill a little humour is intended to make you think....

Have a lay down, and possibly a drink and all will be alright.

[InfernoSR]

Originally Posted by RG

But it's ok to joke about the mentally slow women, like Julia Gillard?

Fixed for you

[LTDHO]

Yawn.

What happened to the jokes?

[Fled74]

My Facebook status:
"I'm sick of people sharing the endless minutiae of their daily lives on Facebook. Anyway, I'm off for a dump. I've got a tape measure and a scale, so I'll let you all know how it goes."

[RG]

Originally Posted by InfernoSR

Fixed for you

Now you've lowered yourself

Sorry people, poor in-joke.

[bungarra]

Originally Posted by Fled74

My Facebook status:
"I'm sick of people sharing the endless minutiae of their daily lives on Facebook. Anyway, I'm off for a dump. I've got a tape measure and a scale, so I'll let you all know how it goes."

PML, stealing this for my Facebook status!!!

[Mickxr8]

c`mon people ! this is a joke thread !. please dont take everything literally .
keep the jokes within the t+c`s and we shouldnt have a problem ?. if you dont like the joke move on to the next one ?. no need for slanging matches because p1
dousnt like p2`s joke !. i enjoy this thread and would hate to see it get canned
because of petty bickering

edit: oh snap a few posts since i started typing. oh well

[RG]

Originally Posted by bungarra

PML, stealing this for my Facebook status!!!

Same, that really is awesome.

[Mickxr8]

just to (hopefully ) put a smile on someones face.
yeah it`s old but works for me when i get down/dirty at some of the cr*p
that goes on ?. especially this thread of late

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAU...&feature=email

[FGII-XR6]

I was going to leave it at the last post untill i read this, if you read my post you would realise that I am an alcoholic in recovery. what sort of person would make a statement like "Have a lay down, and possibly a drink and all will be alright" to an alcoholic????? seriously is there something wrong with you or do you just not care what damage your comment can make

Originally Posted by MYVYSS

You need to chill a little humour is intended to make you think....

Have a lay down, and possibly a drink and all will be alright.

[RG]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

I was going to leave it at the last post untill i read this, if you read my post you would realise that I am an alcoholic in recovery. what sort of person would make a statement like "Have a lay down, and possibly a drink and all will be alright" to an alcoholic????? seriously is there something wrong with you or do you just not care what damage your comment can make

His comment can make no damage, you are the one now in control. If you don't let things get to you I dare say you'll find it a lot easier.

[DJL351]

Originally Posted by mickxr8

just to (hopefully ) put a smile on someones face.
yeah it`s old but works for me when i get down/dirty at some of the cr*p
that goes on ?. especially this thread of late

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAU...&feature=email

That was bad...... I'd rather be Rick'rolled.

[vztrt]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

I was going to leave it at the last post untill i read this, if you read my post you would realise that I am an alcoholic in recovery. what sort of person would make a statement like "Have a lay down, and possibly a drink and all will be alright" to an alcoholic????? seriously is there something wrong with you or do you just not care what damage your comment can make

He was being humourous. Strangly enough I do know him and I know he was having a laugh.

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by RG

To those that wish to continually harp on about a certain line of jokes being offensive, how about prior to being morally outrages you go back and have a look at some of the jokes you have posted yourselves.

It's a bit rich to be so highly offended when you yourselves have made jokes about groups/minorities.

Excellent point. A bit like Isaac Hayes quitting South Park because of the Scientology episode, yet being part of all the other episodes bagging other religions.

I pointed out an example of a certain poster here being criticised for a few jokes on a particular subject/theme and their response was to tell their critic to lighten up as it is a joke thread. Perhaps they should take their own advice.

[NC1183]

Originally Posted by RG

To those that wish to continually harp on about a certain line of jokes being offensive, how about prior to being morally outrages you go back and have a look at some of the jokes you have posted yourselves.

It's a bit rich to be so highly offended when you yourselves have made jokes about groups/minorities.

Here, here.


Now lets all have a big group hug and get on with the task at hand... telling each other funny jokes.

Like this one I got today:

"the police scanner just reported a drunk,, naked idiot wearing snow boots, singing i'm a believer, riding a lawn mower down the highway!! Where thehell you going??""

[SpoolMan]

Originally Posted by LTDHO

Yawn.

What happened to the jokes?

I am looking for the same thing, the thread has turned into the title ''a joke'' a saga.

I will come back in a couple of days if thread doesn't get back to the title, it may as well be closed..

[SirHenry]

Originally Posted by SpoolMan

I am looking for the same thing, the thread has turned into the title ''a joke'' a saga.

I will come back in a couple of days if thread doesn't get back to the title, it may as well be closed..

/agreed

It is a joke thread not a complaint page.

If someone has an issue maybe they should either send a polite PM or contact a moderator not create a ruckus and have the tread closed.

I am sure I am not the only one that enjoys reading this thread every now and again.

[mcnamg]

[mcnamg]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour d i c k h e a d who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.'

[pauljh74]

My boss just caught me with a pint in my hand before work.
He said "you're not allowed to drink alcohol before work"
I replied "I'm not you idiot its Fosters"
****************************

The biggest lie ever?

"I have read and agree to the terms of use"
****************************

Little Red Riding Hood didn't listen to her mother. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan wore no clothes and Snow White lived with 7 men, the slag...

These are the stories our parents raised us on, and they complain our generation's messed up.
****************************

Is man flu just an excuse for why there are so many tissues in the bin?
****************************

Just given my Nan a cream-pie.
And this proves that porn has damaged your mind forever you perverts.

[Charliewool]

Just saw the aerial view of the floods in Pakistan.....
Which reminds me, I must get coco pops on the way home.....

[Auslandau]

Keep things to the T & C's of this site ... Those that would rather just see how far they can push will soon know when things have gone too far.

[Mickxr8]

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Adolf Adolf who?
Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat's why I dawk dis way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What�s worse than finding half a worm in your apple?

Getting hit by a truck.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, �Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn�t even pay for your sandwich!�

�Hey, man, I�m a PANDA!� the panda shouts back. �Look it up!�

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: �Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.�
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock, knock

Who's there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

Nevermind, it's pointless
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, �intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[T1 Terry]

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. She asked the boy: "Michael, what is the matter with you these days ? Your attitude stinks."
Michael answered: " I'm too smart for first grade. My sister is in third grade, and I'm smarter than she is, so I should be in third grade too."
In a bid to resolve things, the teacher took Michael along to the principal's office and while Michael waited in the outer office, she explained the situation to the principal.
He told the teacher he would give Michael a test and if he failed to answer any of the questions correctly,he would have to return to first grade and behave himself.
Michael was then taken to the principal's office for the test.
"What is four times four?" asked the principal.
"Sixteen," answered Michael.
"What is eleven minus seven?" said the principal.
"Four," replied Michael.
And so it went on. Every third-grade question the principal asked, Michael answered. Eventually, the principal said to the teacher: "I think Michael can move up to third grade."

"Let me ask him a few questions," suggested the teacher.
"Very well ," agreed the principal.
"Okay, Michael," began the teacher. "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of ?"
"Legs," answered Michael.
The teacher continued: "What is in your pants that you have,but I do not have?"
The principal raised his eyebrows.
"Pockets," replied Michael.
Teacher, "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Michael "Pants."
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?"
Michael :"Bubblegum"
The principal wiped a few beads of perspiration from his brow.
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down,and a dog do on three legs?"
Michael: "Shake hands."
Teacher: "Now, I am going to ask you some Who Am I questions."
" A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first."
Michael: " A wedding ring."
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well,I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Michael:"Nose."
Teacher: " I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Michael: "Arrow."
The principal, by now was growing increasingly nervous.
Teacher: "And finally. What word starts with an F and ends with a K and means a lot of excitement?"
Michael: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a huge sigh of relief and told the teacher: "Put Michael in third grade. He's obviously very smart, I need a coffee and lie down, I got all your questions wrong.

T1 Terry

[Kryton]

2 fish are in a tank.
One fish says to the other:
"You steer - I'll man the guns".

2 fish are swimming when one hits a wall.
the other fish says:
"dam"


Now laugh - you know its funny.

[pauljh74]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
*****************************

Because of its success with Toy Story 3, Pixar decided to make a sequel to one of its most popular films.

Its called 'Try Finding Nemo Now' Directed by British Petroleum

[WILDTRAKPX2]

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all tencomes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something likethis;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy withthe arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going toreduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men
would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – thepaying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fairshare?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man andthesixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce eachman's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the
principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded towork out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first fourcontinued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began
to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollartoo. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back,when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't getanything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the ninesat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't haveenough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, ishow our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get themost benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just maynot show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere issomewhat friendlier.

[Hardtopxb]

I have a tie with a pic of a Wombat with the letters ERL underneath.. Depending on who asks..Earlwood Rugby League.. Or. Eats, Roots and Leaves.

[distortion]

Love that. so hard explaining that system to others!

Originally Posted by Shockwave XR8

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all tencomes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something likethis;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy withthe arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going toreduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men
would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – thepaying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fairshare?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man andthesixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce eachman's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the
principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded towork out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first fourcontinued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began
to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollartoo. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back,when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't getanything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the ninesat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't haveenough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, ishow our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get themost benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just maynot show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere issomewhat friendlier.

[DJM83]

How about we get some tasteful jokes eh? This is after all a family forum thanks.