What jokes do you know?

[FGII-XR6]

The best lawyer story ... bar none.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has
huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I
had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So ... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you.

[FGII-XR6]

PUNS FOR HIGHER IQs

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - The same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - Always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? - it's a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[T1 Terry]

Thought you might like to try this. Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.


Give this a try.



1 chicken

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing

1 cup uncooked popcorn

Salt/pepper to taste



Preheat oven to 200 degrees.

Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper..

Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's **** blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the table, it's done and ready to eat.



And you thought I couldn't cook

T1 Terry

[Mr Hardware]

reminds me of this

[russellw]

Can I add ANOTHER reminder that posting of images to get around the swear filter is abreach of the site T&C. This time I have delted the offending posts but in future they will attact warnings.

Russ

[Fled74]

(Clarkson voice) Some say he is simply an author struggling to get his book published. Others say he is ex-Formula 3 racing driver Ben Collins. All we know is... he's unemployed!

[pauljh74]

My mate was reading a magazine when he said to me, "I'd give my right arm to go to this Star Trek convention in America.".

I said "Yeah but then you'd have no sex life at all would you?".
**************************

What's 7 inches long with a purple head and women love it?

A 20 pound note.
**************************

Is the pint glass half empty or is it half full?

Well there is obviously something in it, so stop being such a contemplative fairy and get it down you.
**************************

A cute blonde girl said to me "wow, your jeans are nice!"
I replied "thank you, they're Levi's"
She then asked "why the hell are you wearing someone else's jeans?"

...It's a good thing she's cute.

[vztrt]

OK take two, shouldn't have any swear words in it.

[jono.chil]

what's the most common 4 letter word used in a house of ill repute?

[pauljh74]

Apparently, Alex Ferguson had an 80's themed party for his players.

Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Scholes in a Sierra and Rooney chose to come in an Escort.
***************************

Just seen that Wayne Rooney has spent £1200 on a hooker.
That's about 1% of his weekly wage.

Would hate to see what I'd get for 1% of my wages.
***************************

I've been trying to lose my belly for months now, but the crafty bugger is always one step ahead of me.
***************************

Tremors are still happening in Christchurch, New Zealand after the 7.1 earthquake.....sheep are said to still be nervous.
***************************

Magnitude 7.0 earthquake hits Pakistan - thousands dead

Magnitude 7.0 earthquake hits New Zealand - Two guys knocked around a bit & a Kiwi's beer fridge falls over breaking 36 bottles of Lion Red

Why the huge difference in consequences? They don't have beer in Pakistan
***************************

Those poor people in New Zealand, with their homes dilapidated, the lucky ones living in makeshift sheds, reduced to becoming primitive people an age behind the rest of the world. And to top it all off they had an earthquake this morning.

[rodderz]

I feel sorry for the McCanns.

Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
------------------------------------------------------

Just bought a copy of International Cricket 2010 for my Xbox, but the disc is broken.

I'm looking for a Paki now, I've heard they're good at fixing cricket games.

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by rodderz

I feel sorry for the McCanns.

Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
------------------------------------------------------

Just bought a copy of International Cricket 2010 for my Xbox, but the disc is broken.

I'm looking for a Paki now, I've heard they're good at fixing cricket games.

One of the tamer Maddie McCann jokes I've read - well its one of the few I've read that can be put on here. Good cricket joke though.

[Mickxr8]

geez. this thread nearly snuck off the 1st page

So this little boy is in the playground when some bullies come along, and they say to him:
"Hey, purple lemon, you suck!" And the boy doesn't know what a purple lemon is, so he asks. And the bullies say:
"Well, you'll just have to ask a teacher then, won't you?" And so he goes and asks a teacher what a purple lemon is.
"Go to the Headmaster!" She screeches. And he goes and asks the Head what a purple lemon is.
"I'm sorry, but this is big, we'll have to go to the police." The Head replies sadly, calling 999.
When the police arrive, the boy says:
"But I just want to know what a purple lemon is!"
And the police look at him, and take him back to their headquarters, where they call the army, and an army officer arrives. The boy, now in tears, asks;
"But what's a purple lemon?" The soldier looks to the policemen, shakes his head and takes the boy to go see a general.
"I only asked about purple lemons." The boy sobs.
The general frowns, and calls the Prime Minister, and gives the boy the telephone.
"S-sir, what's a purple lemon?" The boy asks once more.
The PM is silent for a long time, and then tells the boy that he's patching him through to the Queen. In the call to the Queen, the boy asks;
"But what's a purple lemon? I just wanna know!"
And the Queen tells him;
"You'll just have to find out when you're old enough." So the police release him, and the boy is walking home, and crosses the street when *WHAM* he's hit by a car.









And the moral of the story is to look both ways when crossing the road.

[WILDTRAKPX2]

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of $20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a $100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw the m off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.

Your assignment: Discuss how many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work and he should give up, and sign on to the dole?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a truck load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors. The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licensing fee on his old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers and to send parliamentarians on a fact finding mission overseas.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths in 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح ل

[bungarra]

Originally Posted by Shockwave XR8

[size=3]1. 8. Teaching Maths in 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح ل

Sounds like the way my kids school is going now!!

[FGII-XR6]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[FGII-XR6]

God and ideal women...

While creating women, God promised men that intelligent and rational women would be found in all corners of the world.

And then he made the earth round.

[FGII-XR6]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a
woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are
all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints."

Wish I could think so quickly.

[FGII-XR6]

A tough old cowboy from south Texas counselled his grandson that if he
Wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun
Powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died, he left behind,
14 children,
30 grandchildren,
45 great-grand children,
25 great-great-grandchildren,
And a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

[TZENU]

Sports news just in …………… India have beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets in Mumbai next Thursday.

[pauljh74]

Well, if the Koran burning is cancelled, let's not waste an event: there are plenty of Twilight books around.
*****************************

I love bookmarks.

They're my favourites.
*****************************

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
*****************************

If the Korans get burnt, when they get to heaven, will they each get 72 copies of the Susan Boyle autobiography?
*****************************

My friend has recently been fired from his amazing job of working with the creators of Red Bull.

He was at a very important meeting in Austria with the owners and they were explaining that they will soon be looking at introducing a red bull drink, they have had the recipe locked underground away from the public for years, stupidly my mate thinking he was funny said,

"Wehay!, you Austrians like locking stuff underground don't you!"

[Mickxr8]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other
on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could
get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun
game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only
$5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer
quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from
the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up
a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he
could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no
avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets
the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the
senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three
legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and
goes back to sleep.

[Mickxr8]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day, when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing Mick", says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[FGII-XR6]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles
to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would
you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer
also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure, " and sinks
the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to
get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and
whispers,
"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging,
the golfer replies, "Okay". And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting
for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,
"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know
who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex
life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

[FGII-XR6]

A tragic story.......


On the way to their wedding a young couple were tragically killed in a car
accident. On arrival at the Pearly Gates, they timidly approached St.
Peter, told him their sad story, and asked if they could possibly get
married in heaven. St. Peter, looked perplexed, closed his Doomsday book,
and asked them to wait while he checked with God. Days, weeks, then months
passed as the sad couple waited and waited for St. Peter to come back with
an answer. While they waited they discussed deep philosophical questions
such as.... 'if they were in heaven for eternity, and were permitted to
marry, could they have a marriage contract, and was divorce allowed in
heaven?' Finally St. Peter returned, looking bedraggled..... “Yep...” He
intoned... “You can get married in Heaven......sign in here.” “Oh!” Just
a minute the young lady said haltingly..... “We're gonna be here for
eternity.....what if our marriage doesn't work out.....can we get a
divorce?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed down the Doomsday
book.
“What's wrong?” exclaimed the frightened couple. “Come on!!” yelled St.
Peter..... “It took me three months to find a Priest! Do you have any idea
how long it will take to find a lawyer!!??”

[FGII-XR6]

5-Minute Management Course


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbour ..

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'


So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

(3 ) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[FGII-XR6]

WISDOM FROM THE MILITARY

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.Once."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
------------ --------- --------- ---------
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
----------- --------- --------- ---------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up. The pilot dies."

[FGII-XR6]

The Pharmacist's Monday Morning


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.


Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
Failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and Hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was About three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me To open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time The darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
Me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[FGII-XR6]

IT'S JUST NOT MY DAY ! ! ! ! !


There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I
buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve;
then you, you idiot, show up and drink the whole thing ! "

" But enough about me, how's your day going ?

[pauljh74]

The Popemobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.
****************************

After meeting Susan Boyle and Michelle McManus yesterday, the Pope said he was not in the least bit surprised his priests in Scotland were shagging young boys...
****************************

Everyone keeps on giving the pope a hard time but i think they should go easy on him
i mean he's an 83 year old man who wears a skirt, gets bullied all the time and still believes that his imaginary friend is real.
****************************

The Pope gets shot on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital. On the way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse, "Am I in heaven?" The nurse says "No we're just taking a shortcut through the childrens' ward."