What jokes do you know?

[Jason[98.EL]]

received this from a female friend of the family

Giving Up Wine






I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.


I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'


'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.


'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.


'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'


'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.


'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'


'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'


The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'


I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[pauljh74]

I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.

He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."

I said, "Hard work?"

He said, "No, you''re an ugly mug."
*****************************

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.
*****************************

What's the smallest part of a BMW?

The drivers knob.
*****************************

Why do most catholic priests have double chins?

It's the only way they can keep their frocks up while shagging choir boys.
*****************************

Just downloaded the best antispyware and virus checker ever.

Now there is no chance those bastard hackers are going get into my comBUY MORE VIAGRA NOW.

[Mickxr8]

oh dear !..

For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you read this. This by far is one of the funniest things I have ever read. ~ This is why I shave!! Hope to put a smile on your face: Hair Removal..

(I don't have a clue who wrote this, but WHAT A RIOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on..

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah... Right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. IT WORKS!

Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPP!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out..must stay conscious.. must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???? Breathe, breathe.OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX????

Slyly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.. It's not!! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do next and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!! RIGHT!!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through the various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than having your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace..the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!!! It works!!!!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..THE HAIR IS STILL THERE..ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color!

ps i`m a bloke , just thought the fairer sex would get a giggle

[Mickxr8]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!


Tis me, .................. I've

Quit Drinking!"

[FGII-XR6]

now we know who to blame

[FGII-XR6]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's
your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...

So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100.."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere
tractors.


The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it
one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, are you people still happy you voted for Julia Gillard

[zdcol71]

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

[pauljh74]

Collingwood jokes

Q. What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top but he'll choke anyway.
*******************

Q. If you see a Collingwood supporter on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle!
*******************

Q. What do Collingwood supporters and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being!
*******************

Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood supporters are buried up to the necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand!
*******************

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Collingwood supporter on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog!
*******************

Q. How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - One to change it, five to moan about it and make excuses and Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first place the light bulb would never had gone out!
*******************

Q. What's the difference between a female Collingwood supporter and a pit-bull?
A. The lipstick!
*******************

Q. Santa Clause, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Collingwood supporter, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when the simultaneously spot a $100 note. Who gets it?
A. The drunk of course because the other three are mythical creatures!
*******************

Q. What is the difference between a Collingwood supporter and a trampoline?
A. You would take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
*******************

Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society
*******************

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use for protection during sex?
A. A Bus Shelter
*******************

Q. What do you call a thirty year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny
*******************

Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant
*******************

Q. What do you call a female Collingwood fan in a tracksuit?
A. The bride
*******************

Q. What is the first question during a Collingwood supporter Quiz night?
A. What you looking at?!!!
*******************

Mick Malthouse was caught by a speed camera. "I'll do anything for 4 points," he said...
*******************

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Richmond fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why are you a Richmond fan?" My mum and dad were born and raised in Richmond, so my mum is a Richmond fan and my dad is a Richmond fan, and so I'm a Richmond fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Richmond fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."
*********************

Recently I bought a new car but I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The car salesman explained that the radio was voice-activated and demonstrated this brilliant feature.
"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.
The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On the Road Again".
Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.
I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.
Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome songs from the 60-80's.
It was fun and even my girl friend got into it too.
"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man" "Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stone's hits.
But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.
A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.
I immediately yelled in anger, "Bastards!"

Immediately up came the song " Good old Collingwood for ever ............"
**********************

Collingwood are bringing out a new bra! Plenty of support, soft and no CUP!!!
**********************

[Auturbo6]

Two Parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other, "I can smell fish"

[BuckTooth]

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car

[homegrown]

How many Irish men does it take to change a light globe?
3.
1 to hold the globe, 2 to spin him.

[Fled74]

How many members of U2 does it take to change a light globe?
Just Bono - he holds the globe and the whole world revolves around him.

[FGII-XR6]

Divorce vs murder

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy
some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture
and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had
a prescription.'

[FGII-XR6]

Fifty-one years ago

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army is still
looking for Herman after 51 years.

[FGII-XR6]

A heart-warming story.

My small grandson got lost at the mall, he approached a uniformed security
guard and said, I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels and
women with big breasts."

[Mickxr8]

1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday Service, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[TheInterceptor]

A man walks into a doctors surgery. The doctor takes one look and says "you've got a steering wheel poking out of your pants" and the man says "I know its driving me nuts!"

[TheInterceptor]

Two hunters are out in the bush when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his mobile phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

[mik]

"Morning S*x"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only

the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said

softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming

or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[pauljh74]

What they should really say on those cooking shows:

"Hello and welcome to 'Pointless Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life'. Today, we are making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, and in a kitchen that is bigger than your whole damn house."
***************************

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.
***************************

This year the Commonwealth Games are being held in India.

So far, the crowds have been extremely poor.
***************************

The new Roman Catholic version of Cluedo is so easy; the outcome is always the same.

Reverend Green did it in the study with the choirboy.
***************************

Perfect breakfast for a man.
Sitting down to read the paper, seeing your son on the sports page, your daughter in the tv section, your secretary on page 3 and your wife in the obituaries.
***************************

Got a new job at McDonalds the other day. It's hard work and the hours are long the pay isn't much better either, but I'm being paid for doing what i love most. - Spitting in peoples burgers.

[QLD-Bluey]

[QLD-Bluey]

There was this good looking, intelligent guy driving a Holden................... God I crack me up!!!!! hahahahaha

[ltd]

A pakistani girl went up to her mother and said; "Mum, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up". Her mother was perplexed by this; "What makes you think you'll grow up to be a lesbian Minjeeta?"

[Fled74]

Every dark cloud has a silver lining... except the mushroom-shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium and Strontium-90.

[FGII-XR6]

Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests'
complaints during the season.

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring
our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted
a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant
beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in
by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the
back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and
strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined
as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street
trader,

only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were
startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took
the

Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee
hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The
food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests
before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the
room that we booked."

[FGII-XR6]

Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3
year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for
sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit,
cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice,
"Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
there,
boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his
groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were
amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept
your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you
as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the little
ferals name is Kevin."

[FGII-XR6]

Job Applicants

A young man named Mike applied for an engineering position at a
Newfoundland firm based in St, Johns. A Mainlander applied for the same
job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to
take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both
men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Mike and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've
decided to give the Mainlander the job."

"And why would you be doing that?" asked Mike. "We both get 9 questions
correct. This bein' the rock and me being a Newfie, I should get the jab!"

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question
you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

"Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the Mainlander put down,
'I don't know.' You put down 'Needer do I.'"

[FGII-XR6]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all
walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says
the
Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine
, Iraq and Iran so that no infidel, Americans, Australians or Canadians can
come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's
virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

[ltd]

I fostered an illegal immigrant the other day; all 6 cans hit him directly on the head.

[Fled74]

Originally Posted by ltd

A pakistani girl went up to her mother and said; "Mum, I don't want to be a lesbian when I grow up". Her mother was perplexed by this; "What makes you think you'll grow up to be a lesbian Minjeeta?"

Classic!