What jokes do you know? - Page 76

ltd · 08-10-2010, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mickxr8

oh dear !..

For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you read this. This by far is one of the funniest things I have ever read. ~ This is why I shave!! Hope to put a smile on your face: Hair Removal..

(I don't have a clue who wrote this, but WHAT A RIOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on..

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah... Right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. IT WORKS!

Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRRRIIIIIIPPPPPP!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out..must stay conscious.. must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???? Breathe, breathe.OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX????

Slyly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.. It's not!! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do next and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!! RIGHT!!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through the various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than having your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace..the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!!! It works!!!!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..THE HAIR IS STILL THERE..ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color!

ps i`m a bloke , just thought the fairer sex would get a giggle

Thank god you didn't write it, otherwise there'd be a call over the PA system;
"Dr Freud, please come to the reception desk"

Young Peter got arrested at the local Bunnings for assault on an African female. In his defense, he claims it wasn't his fault as his father had asked him to get a Black & Decker.

ltd · 08-10-2010, 04:17 PM

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.

While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."

I said, "I haven't got an erection!"

She replied, "No, but I have!"

pauljh74 · 08-10-2010, 04:25 PM

My wife came down to the lounge room today to sport her brand new wardrobe.

"How do I look?" She asked,
"You look fat in that" I replied honestly
"What? The Blouse? The Jeans? The Bra?"
"No none of those"
"What then?" She demanded, fuming.
"Sunlight"
***********************

Coming up next on the Commonwealth Games, the 100m Dash...

...to the toilets
***********************

How can you tell if your girlfriend's getting fat? When she fits into your wife's clothes
***********************

Paddy is working on a building site, he's happy going about his work, when all of a sudden, a brick falls from the scaffolding hitting Paddy down the side of his head, and ripping his ear clean off.
In a panic, Paddy runs to the foreman's office,

"Mr foreman Sir, I've had an accident, A brick fell from the scaffold and chopped my ear off,
What shall I do?"

The foreman calmly responds,

"Don't worry Paddy, I'll get all the lads to start looking for it, and once we've found it, we'll get you to the hospital"

"Right you are Sir" Paddy replies

after several minutes of searching, one of the labourers jumps up and shouts to Paddy, "here Paddy, I've found it, is this your ear?"
Paddy runs over, takes one look, and replies, "Arr no, mine had a pencil behind it"

Ptbl · 10-10-2010, 05:33 PM

My wife came down to the lounge room today to sport her brand new wardrobe.

"How do I look?" She asked,
"You look fat in that" I replied honestly
"What? The Blouse? The Jeans? The Bra?"
"No none of those"
"What then?" She demanded, fuming.
"Sunlight"
***********************

Coming up next on the Commonwealth Games, the 100m Dash...

...to the toilets

made me laugh XD

ltd · 11-10-2010, 08:23 AM

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

pauljh74 · 12-10-2010, 10:37 PM

While it is a funny prank/cartoon
Only worthwhile doing that to chicks - nothing to be proud of for a straight guy to say your genitals were fondled by another man.
Counting down the minutes before the mods find it and delete it

pauljh74 · 12-10-2010, 11:12 PM

At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?

I'm Batman.
************************

We should greet the Chilean Miners dressed up as the "Planet of the Apes".
************************

MC Hammer;
The genius who managed to outsmart catholic priests.
************************

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on Justin Bieber.
The librarian says "Sorry, it hasn't come out yet."
************************

In preparation for 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.
************************

I find it weird that many heavily involved Christians were once drug addicts.

"I used to take a lot of drugs until I found God."

Mate, you probably found a unicorn at the time too.
************************

Apple just created a new piece of software to detour Pirates from hacking the iPhone 4. They are calling it the iPatch

Fev · 12-10-2010, 11:59 PM

Love cyanide and happiness comics

Jason[98.EL] · 15-10-2010, 08:06 AM

CINDERELLA was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.'

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'..

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young Body returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry you neutered me.'

FGII-XR6 · 15-10-2010, 08:41 AM

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom
curtains before making love to your wife in future?'
'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick, 'The whole street was laughing when they saw you and
your missus making love yesterday.'
Paddy said, 'Stupid morons, the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home
yesterday.'

FGII-XR6 · 15-10-2010, 09:00 AM

Don't ever park illegally in England ... EVER

FGII-XR6 · 15-10-2010, 09:02 AM

Subject: The Iraqi footballer

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie rules and
is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood

He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the
pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10
minutes left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a
sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media
are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day of AFL.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6
goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans,
the media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten,
and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were
having such great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to
Collingwood in the first place!'

FGII-XR6 · 15-10-2010, 09:35 AM

Maria had just got married

Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a
virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very
nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of
you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama,
Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran
downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

T1 Terry · 15-10-2010, 11:40 AM

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat black fellah is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to
use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says
"Zulu...Tango....Sierra"

T1 Terry

**DJR-351** · 16-10-2010, 01:34 PM

^^^^wonder how long this will be here^^^^

**russellw** · 16-10-2010, 08:54 PM

I don't want to have to remind the members here that this is a public area of the forum and jokes that breach the "family friendly" approach will be removed and warnings handed out.

Russ

Velociraptor82 · 21-10-2010, 03:52 PM

hahahaha

Fled74 · 21-10-2010, 09:30 PM

^^Gold!

FGII-XR6 · 22-10-2010, 01:47 PM

A blonde at her best?

BlueBear · 24-10-2010, 10:24 PM

FIVE SURGEONS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

BlueBear · 24-10-2010, 11:38 PM

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked
"What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

You're gonna love this.....

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

csv8 · 26-10-2010, 06:36 PM

I was at Hungry Jacks this morning, & two Muslim women, wearing the
brightest head to toe robes I've ever seen, came in.
Apparently, the burkas are better at Hungry Jacks.

rodderz · 26-10-2010, 07:14 PM

Imagine how much fun women in burkas have tagging each other on Facebook

rodderz · 26-10-2010, 09:54 PM

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from the vegetarian club.

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

sarrge2001 · 27-10-2010, 02:21 PM

Letter to a men's Helpline.......

Hey Mate, really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected, for some time now, that the missus has
been cheating on me .The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller
hangs up, going out with the girls a lot at night .....

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes
home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat, when she came home she got out of someone fella's car buttoning
her top, then she took her underwear out of her purse and slipped them on .....

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a
"hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it ??

csv8 · 28-10-2010, 03:40 PM

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding anniversary when the wife says
"Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession........
before we were married I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says.........

"My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, so it would be unfair of me to hold your past against you......in fact maybe you could show me a few of your old tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?"

She said "I don't think you understand,

my name was Brian and I played for The Wallabies ........

FGII-XR6 · 29-10-2010, 09:12 AM

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
17. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet? 19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
22. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
23. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
24. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
26. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
27. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
32. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
33. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
35. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
36. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

XR6_661 · 29-10-2010, 09:23 AM

Me thinks a few people read friday humour @ bluehaze =P

FGII-XR6 · 29-10-2010, 03:24 PM

of course , it just a shame the best ones there can't be posted here

Quote:

Originally Posted by XR6_661

Me thinks a few people read friday humour @ bluehaze =P

pauljh74 · 29-10-2010, 10:08 PM

There are plenty more fish in the sea, but with a rod like that you've got no chance.
**********************

Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent.

Now the alarm clock's broken and I'm wide awake, so I'm not sure who won.
**********************

I gave my mate a Paracetamol. He said, "What the hell is that for?"

I said, "To put in your pint."

"And why would I do that?" he replied.

I said, "Well, considering the fact you've been nursing it for over an hour, I just assumed it was ill."
**********************

saw a van that was covered in dirt & someone had written "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van". I wrote "she is...when you are at work!"
**********************

My wife's being treated for sex addiction.

I buy her all the shoes and handbags she wants.
**********************

Drivers: When you see those 'accident blackspot' signs you should speed up. You don't want to hang about in dangerous places.
**********************

Paddy found out his wife was having an affair, so he decided to kill her and himself..He puts the gun to his head, looks at wife and says "I don't know what you're laughing at, you're next"