What jokes do you know?

[Mickxr8]

oldies but goodies..
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it..'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'

AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

[Mickxr8]

probably a repost but.....
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.

Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. ' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being ****ed off.'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this, pass it on. If you didn't laugh, you need a better sense of humor.

[FGII-XR6]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey arent you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castros Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey arent you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castros Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then start s walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey arent you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castros Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

[FGII-XR6]

A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate.On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees.The next day they read the headlines in the local paper:Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.

[FGII-XR6]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?Its crowded & dirty and full of Italians. Youre crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?""Were taking Qantas," was the reply. "We got a great rate!""Qantas?" exclaimed the barber. "Thats a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and theyre always late.So, where are you staying in Rome?""Well be at the downtown International Marriott.""That dump! Thats the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and theyre overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?""Were going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.""Thats rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. Hell look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. Youre going to need it."A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome."It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Qantas brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.And the hotel-it was great! Theyd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now its the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!""Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didnt get to see the pope.""Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally me et some of the visitors, and if Id be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.""Really?" asked the Barber. "Whatd he say?"He said, "Whered you get the lousy haircut?

[FGII-XR6]

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."The second was a social worker. She said, "I dont know the answer but Im glad we had time to discuss this important question."The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"He got the job.

[csv8]

"The Shortest, Best Ever Australian Yarn".


Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.

One asked the other, "What are ya up to, mate?"

"Ahh, I'm gunna be takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

[Velociraptor82]

Statistics

[Fev]

[IMG]http://imagemacros.files.wordpress.c...pg?w=480&h=306[/IMG]

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[FGII-XR6]

Automobile Tool Definitions

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

[FGII-XR6]

Bill Gates Goes to Heaven

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows Vista. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???

"That was the demo version," replied St. Peter.

[FGII-XR6]

McDonnell Douglas Warranty Card

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr.[_] Mrs.[_] Ms.[_] Miss[_] Lt.[_] Gen.[_] Comrade[_] Classified[_]Other
2. First Name: .................................................. ...
   Initial: ........
   Last Name: .................................................. ....
   Password: ............................... (max 8 char)
   Code Name: .................................................. ....
   Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
3. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
   [_] F-14 Tomcat
   [_] F-15 Eagle
   [_] F-16 Falcon[_] F-117A Stealth
   [_] Classified
4. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /......
5. Serial Number:........................................... .....
6. Please check where this product was purchased:
   [_] Received as gift / aid package
   [_] Catalog showroom
   [_] Independent arms broker
   [_] Mail order[_] Discount store
   [_] Government surplus
   [_] Classified
7. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
   [_] Heard loud noise, looked up
   [_] Store display
   [_] Espionage[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
   [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
   [_] Was attacked by one
8. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
   [_] Style / appearance
   [_] Speed / maneuverability
   [_] Price / value
   [_] Comfort / convenience
   [_] Kickback / bribe[_] Recommended by salesperson
   [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
   [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
   [_] Backroom politics
   [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
9. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
   [_] North America
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Central / South America
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Aircraft carrier
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Europe
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Middle East (not Iraq)[_] Iraq
   [_] Africa
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Asia / Far East
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Misc. Third World countries
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Classified
   [_] Iraq
10. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
    [_] Color TV
    [_] VCR
    [_] ICBM
    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon
11. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply
    [_] Communist / Socialist
    [_] Terrorist
    [_] Crazed
    [_] Neutral[_] Democratic
    [_] Dictatorship
    [_] Corrupt
    [_] Primitive / Tribal
12. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
    [_] Deficit spending
    [_] Cash
    [_] Suitcases of cocaine
    [_] Oil revenues[_] Personal check
    [_] Credit card
    [_] Ransom money
    [_] Traveler's check
13. Your occupation:
    [_] Homemaker
    [_] Sales / marketing
    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
    [_] Tyrant[_] Middle management
    [_] Eccentric billionaire
    [_] Defense Minister / General
    [_] Retired
    [_] Student
14. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
    [_] Golf
    [_] Boating / sailing
    [_] Sabotage
    [_] Running / jogging
    [_] Propaganda / disinformation
    [_] Destabilization / overthrow
    [_] Default on loans
    [_] Gardening
    [_] Crafts
    [_] Black market / smuggling[_] Collectibles / collections
    [_] Watching sports on TV
    [_] Wines
    [_] Interrogation / torture
    [_] Household pets
    [_] Crushing rebellions
    [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [_] Fashion clothing
    [_] Border disputes
    [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

[FGII-XR6]

Women's English

What They Say What They Mean
Yes! No
No! Yes
Maybe! No
I'm sorry!. You'll be sorry.
We need! I want
It's your decision! The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want! You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk! I need to complain
Sure... go ahead! I don't want you to.
I'm not upset! Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly! You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight!Is "THAT" all you ever think about?
Be romantic! turn out the lightsI have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient! I want a new house.
I want new curtains! and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there! No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise! I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? ! I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? ! I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute! Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? ! Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate! Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? ! Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? ! Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling!Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

[jimbob02]

thats great ill tell that one to my wife lol

[russellw]

I've read the tool one before but it still cracks me up.

Cheers
Russ

[pauljh74]

I got a 69 off the wife last night........with this new decibel counter I've got to measure her snoring.
************************

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
****************************

Its a funny world we live in.
We had Empires run by Emperors, then we had Kingdoms run by Kings.

Now we have Countries...
****************************

I don't have a wife for the same reason as I don't have a pet.
I wouldn't have the money or patience to keep one... and have you seen how big they get?
****************************

Before I went to university, my Dad sat me down and said, "Son, you are going to be living away from home, in a student room, surrounded by lots of hot girls. So I got you something from the Chemist."

I said, "I could have got condoms myself, you didn't have to."

He said, "No, I got you anti-depressants."

[Resurrection]

I felt sorry for a hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised seven blokes, tripped over the microphone cable and yelled '#$@% me'. What happened next will haunt for me ever.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I shagged the $#@% off a deaf and dumb bird last night. I was so ashamed of myself this morning I superglued her fingers together so she couldn't tell anyone.

[Mickxr8]

maybe a repost..

New Shop Has Atmosphere

A new Woolworths Supermarket opened in Adelaide , South Australia . It has an automatic water mist-maker to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on you can hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and chops.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of a Carlton Draught.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

[pauljh74]

If it's your birthday soon (in November), then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.
*************************

My doctor has prescribed a natural therapy for my clogged pores, involving rubbing uncooked corn all over myself. He refers to it as "Hard pore cornography".
*************************

I went to a Christina Aguilera gig the other night, and while she was performing the song "Beautiful", I lobbed a massive hardbacked dictionary at her head - turns out words CAN bring her down.
*************************

Why didn't the blonde say anything during sex?

Her mother told her not to talk to strangers.
*************************

News just in - there's rumours (and a picture) going around about Canberra Raiders player Joel Monaghan and a dog. Apparently the dog has released a statement:
"I want to make it clear & on the public record. I have never had sexual relations with that man Mr Monaghan".

[FGII-XR6]

Amazing home remedies that work

1.. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE
THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE..

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING,
BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

[FGII-XR6]

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not
return your call,
You are one of the changes."

My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder
to find one.
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this,
you will lose ALL your friends!"

[FGII-XR6]

The advertising dollar

The CEO of Ingham's Chicken manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at
the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, he whispers,"Your
Eminence,we have an offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this
day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord.
It must not be changed." Well," says the Ingham's man, "we anticipated your
reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million
dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is
the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Ingham's guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer.

We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to
the Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please
consider it."

And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news." "The good
news is that the Church will come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Tip Top Account."

[Fled74]

A few more Demotivationals:






And my favourite:

[Resurrection]

Originally Posted by Fled74

A few more Demotivationals:






And my favourite:

Which part of "What jokes do you know?" did you not understand?

[T1 Terry]

Which part of "What jokes do you know?" did you not understand?

Must be a Sunday morning thing, I got a laugh out of them. I guess humour is a lot like beauty, not everyone interprets it the same way, but a few beers always helps

T1 Terry

[go_ford]

A qantas jet has just landed safely..haha, jks

[Glen 5150]

There are two Palestine women terrorists dress shopping. There trying on clothes and looking how great they look in the changeroom mirrors. One woman says to the other -"Do you think my bomb looks big in this"?

Former President Bill Cinton is interviewing women to become his next office intern to replace Monica Lewinsky. He starts off the conversation the same way each time. "I havn't come across your face before".

[Fled74]

Originally Posted by Resurrection

Which part of "What jokes do you know?" did you not understand?

Here you go...

Do you reckon the 'Saw' films were so named so that people would say:
"Did you see Saw?"
"Yeah I saw Saw."
"Did you see Saw 2?"
"I saw Saw 2 too"
"Did you see Saw 3?"
"No but I saw Saw 4"
"What did you see Saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for?"

[RSgerry]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Kevin Rudd...

Kevin Rudd Who?

That's politics

[Jason[98.EL]]

received this in an e-mail

These are pretty clever. Don't rush. Study each picture and try to determine what it represents before looking at the answer below the picture.

Put on your thinking caps.



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eggplant

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Doctor Pepper


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pool table

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Tap dancers

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Card Shark

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The King of Pop

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I Pod


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Gator-Aide


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Knight mare


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Hole Milk


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Light Beer